Voice of the Child Report

momof2teenboys said:
Did either of you get a court order or have the consultant interview the other parent? Does it make a difference either way when you bring the VoC report back to court? Who chose the consultant?
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We have several investigation by CAS (at his complaints), OCL review (at his insistence),and final court order. OCL report specifically states, that no matter what the investigations have found my Ex is unlikely to believe the outcome.

He has lost audience with the courts (they won't review parenting issues anymore), CAS has said take the issues to court, Police have said take your issues else where (all to him). So now, the audience he has in an 11 year old boy.

The consultant was chosen by my legal counsel. But if he has input on that topic, I'm open to it. But the outcome is not what he wants, he's unlikely .... It's worth trying to give my kid a piece of mind.
 
WorkingMom2007 said:
We have several investigation by CAS (at his complaints), OCL review (at his insistence),and final court order. OCL report specifically states, that no matter what the investigations have found my Ex is unlikely to believe the outcome.

He has lost audience with the courts (they won't review parenting issues anymore), CAS has said take the issues to court, Police have said take your issues else where (all to him). So now, the audience he has in an 11 year old boy.

The consultant was chosen by my legal counsel. But if he has input on that topic, I'm open to it. But the outcome is not what he wants, he's unlikely .... It's worth trying to give my kid a piece of mind.
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So you wouldn't be using it in court - the intention is a way for your son to put everything in writing but through a consultant's report. Do you think his dad will "listen" to this? Sorry - just thinking through my own stbx response to court orders. He never follows them either. I don't think he would follow any recommendations from anyone even if they were court enforced. A VoC report would have just been a waste of my money and everyone's time.

Is your son in counselling? The law tends to deal with the physicality of where and when but seems to forget that everyone's emotions are involved in it all too. My two kids were in therapy a couple of years ago and the youngest has recently returned. In our circumstance, I looked at what it would cost but knew that what it might give DS would be invaluable for years to come. I can't changed stbx' attitude and reactions but therapy can help DS with coping and working through his own view of his relationships with both of his parents. Stbx is aware he's back in therapy will be invited to be a part of those sessions when the therapist and DS are ready to invite him in. Same goes with me I can assume. For now, it's just about DS.

I guess it also depends on how the other parent "works". Are they someone who would need to be convinced with facts/opinions and ongoing debate or do they look at what is only in black and white and handed to them through authority. Your own history with your ex will tell you how to proceed.
 
What exactly is it that your ex wants? Does he want more time with your child? To pay less support? I have had some success putting the hostage negotiator hat on and asking How things were going between him and the kids. Not well was his reply. I asked what he would like. He told me ( it was extremely unrealistic and a fantasy but I kept the hostage negotiator hat on).
I was very careful about the language ( non inflammatory) that I used and of my tone of voice. I listened patiently and then I replayed that what he wanted was ideal however we were not there yet. Perhaps we should focus on what has the greatest chance for success instead of what the custody assessors recommended. I also told him what I could do for him and asked him to hear me out. I went on to say the choice was his after he heard what I said to implement some or all of my suggestions or throw them out. I also appealed to the narcissistic side of his personality and told him this could be the opportunity for him to step into the role of hero for his children ( he really liked that part). I stroked his ego by telling him that the fact he was fighting in court about his kids was worth something.

It was really, really difficult for me to speak to him like this after everything he had done to the kids and I. I felt like throwing up the whole time. I had to put a lid on my anger and horror. I did this for the kids, not him...and it worked.
My lawyer was stunned . He said I had accomplished something he couldn’t have gotten and I achieved something no judge was willing to give me until trial. I won’t go into detail about what I got but it made our file do an about face.
 
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WorkingMom2007 said:
You just nailed WHY we're doing the VoC report. Thank you.
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This is not the purpose of a VOC report, nor is it why it was done. It was merely a side benefit. If this is your purpose, have your child's counselor involve Dad so he gets a better understanding rather than wasting taxpayer money with court and judge involvement etc.

Ridiculous.
 
Stillbreathing said:
To the OP. Your ex’s behaviour as you described it is more immature than intimidating. My STBX has diagnosed mental health issues, a castrophic brain injury and assaulted our children. My children have a very poor relationship with him due to HIS violent and remorseless behaviour. They want nothing to do with him and they are justified in their feelings . That being said, I can still get them to talk to him on the phone. I am not responsible for the depth or quality of the conversation once he’s on the phone. I hand the phone to my kid, and say, “it’s your father.” They usually just grunt or give one word answers. Not my problem. I got them on the phone. Then they hand the phone to their sibling... and under the right supervised circumstances where they feel safe I can convince them to see him too.

My children’s voices are loud and clear. They are afraid of and furious with their dad . Due to his total lack of insight and severe cognitive impairment he doesn’t remember what he’s done so he has no remorse. My STBX is truely dangerous through no fault of his own. However, he is still a human being and the father of our children. One of us has to be the adult and it can’t be him. If I, under my horrific circumstances can get the kids to at least grunt on the phone with their dad, I don’t see any reason why you can not.

I doubt very much my children will have much of a relationship if any with my STBX as they get older. That is not my problem. What my job as the only adult in the room is to ensure my children do not grow up with abandonment issues and they learn compassion, respect and how to conduct themselves with grace when being forced to interact with somebody who hurt them and whom they don’t like. This is a valuable life lesson as they will always encounter people in life whom they don’t like.

You need to think about what you want to teach your child.
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I realy enjoyed reading your post Stillbreathing, God bless you

Sent from my LGMS631 using Tapatalk
 
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