very confused

[scooter]

Hi all, I am newly seperated after 20 great years. My wife has found her midlife crisis and has had an affair
(which has ended) and left me. She is acting and looking younger and only cares about herself. I have 3 children 13,15 and 17, they are also upset with whats been going on in the past two months. If anyone knows what i can do please comment. i miss and love them dearly and dont' want to lose them THANKS

 

[Mess]

She left with the chldren? They are old enough to decide their own custody situation. You need to get them into a neutral territory asap and talk to them about what custody arrangement they would prefer.

They don't get all the say, there are practical matters of course, but it's nearly impossible to force an arrangement on teens if they don't want it.

In the meantime you need to get your ass into a lawyer's office asap, even if it is for just a half hour consultation and learn about your rights. Make sure it is a family law/divorce specialist, don't waste your time with a neighbourhood real estate/wills/ notary type office.

This is a time where you in a deep crisis and your life is upside down. But don't let your wife take control and take control of custody and the kids. You need to assert yourself. There is no reason the kids should not be with you instead of her, or in a 50/50 situation.

It's possible you two can work things out or not, no one but you and your wife can say. But you need to protect your custody of the children in the meantime.

 

[scooter]

they are happy where they are but blame her for everything that has happened> I try and tell them that it is not all her fault .They just want us to work it out like i do. She said that she is not filing for legal seperation but she wants to be single and on her own

 

[Mess]

Frankly, you are setting yourself up for disaster.

If she wants to be single, then you have to work out custody and support. Period. If not you are losing your children and setting yourself to be tens of thousands of dollars in arrears in a couple of years.

What ever she says now, she will change her mind when she dating someone new, moving in with them, etc etc.

If you just let this go, there's no point in posting here asking for advice. In a year or less you will be one of the one's complaining how your ex has destroyed your life, but you won't see how your passivity has let it happen.

 

[tugofwar]

I try and tell them that it is not all her fault .They just want us to work it out like i do.

You are probably in the 1st stages of divorce/seperation which is denial. The fact that you might be thinking this will blow over and you will work it out and be one big happy family as before. Don't hold your breathe and as Mess mentioned if you continue to let things go the way they are, you are setting yourself up for a uphill battle and setting a status quo for her.

book:Surviving your Divorce A Guide to Canadian Family Law

5 emotional stages of marriage breakdown
1.DENIAL AND ISOLATION
2.ANGER
3.BARGAINING
4.DEPRESSION
5.ACCEPTANCE