Venting away.

H

Helpless

New member
I was talking and venting with a friend of mine yesterday about some of the ongoing struggles I've encountered in the last six months. She doesn't have kids, never separated and evidently could not understand much of the situation.

I turn to you fine members now, as I am at a loss.

Some factors to consider, in August 2016, there was a motion to change our existing order. Prior to this, we agreed and hired a SW and custody assessor privately and who worked with us to determine the best interest of S7. She made multiple recommendations such as father's access reverting to every second weekend (Fri 4pm to Mon 9am) and an additional overnight (Mon 4pm-Tue 9am). Medical and educational decisions to be made by myself and in the case of any prolonged disagreement, final decisions revert to me. So basically having sole custody.

We were ordered to continue the use of OurFamilyWizard as a means of communication.

Child support was upped (100$) to 500$ plus section 7 expenses.
Costs were reserved in our prior case conference. (Ex did not file any financial declarations in court or income taxes for the year prior).

Other items such as ex cannabis use in his home, needs to seek counseling support in light of his emotional reactivity, anger issues, psychologist assessments, so on so forth...


Here's where it gets out of hand...

Communications
Ex, via text message became belligerent in his communications, unable to organize thoughts/phrases, often criticizing, blaming,threatening and this up to about two weeks ago. Ex has adamantly refused to continue using OFW as a communication platform but whenever certain matters required his attention, I needed to notify him by mobile text. The communication from him (and a few from his partner) became so toxic and borderline abusive that I informed him that I wanted to halt all communications via text other than in the event S7 is on route to hospital for emergency medical treatment. I added that I would continue using OFW.

Victory! No more crazy / zodiac style / anger fulled text messages. Welp, not really a victory. Ex hasn't logged into OFW in 3 months. He has no idea about hockey games, march break, out of school exchanges, school issues, health issues, optometrist and doctors appointments.

Some of you may see this as trivial but it's hard to co parent with an "absent" parent. I always take the high road and do my very best to keep any communication clear, to the point,concise and pleasant so why is he not backing off and follow my lead with regards to basic, purposeful communication about S7.
Arghhhhh!

CS and FRO
Ex has been in arrears for a few years (2013). Payments are never made on time, are never the right amount and no payment plans with FRO have been discussed for payments of arrears. I don't ask for section 7 expenses for fear that this will make him explode (as in the past). I assume all costs of medical, dental and extra curricular activities. I've been working with FRO but this has proven very ineffective. They've issued a writ of seizure (he owns nothing other than his equipment from the tattoo shop he owns/operates and his vehicle, a Navigator), garnishment of Gov issued contributions (he hasn't filed taxes and is self employed) and have issued a license suspension notice in Nov but he made a small payment within the prescribed time so the suspension was stayed. FRO informed me last week that they would reach out to him on Friday, no answer, VM was left but never returned. FRO informed me that they would bypass the license suspension notice as of Tuesday but would again place a call to him first. They did, he picked up and stated that he paid a small sum that morning.

Seriously?? He's 3000$ behind, no arrears were paid and he paid 250$ that morning. Interestingly enough, I received the Reserved Cost Submissions and Order from my lawyer that day. He's ordered to pay 14 000$.

Is it just me or is something crazy wrong here?
Have any of you ever been in the same situation? On both points or just one. How did you manage.
No matter the Court Order, I feel there's simply no way to "win" on those points.

I get it, he's bitter and angry, he lost custody and a lot of time with S7, through his own fault, but I deal with all that backlash too and try to offer S7 stability and a happy childhood, yes I agree, I won the lottery there!

Thank you, for the time and space to vent. Comments are appreciated.

Have a splendid day folks!
 
good vent.

your ex is most definitely a slime-ball.
Keep the pressure on FRO... call frequently... fax letters. when they take his drivers' licence he will pay attention.

What a loser... Has a tattoo place ....drives a Navigator but won't support his children.
 
Helpless said:
Communications
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To solve the communications platform, what you do is you copy and paste the exact text messages (that are actually relevant and deserve a reply) into OFW and respond via the platform. You don't respond via SMS. That way you are complying with the court order (or agreement) and are responding to the other parent. If they don't log in and read the messages - they are the ones at fault.

Generally, the other parent, if they are truly interested in being a parent, will go the platform and notice that this is what happens for every SMS and will simply use OFW instead.

Helpless said:
Ex hasn't logged into OFW in 3 months. He has no idea about hockey games, march break, out of school exchanges, school issues, health issues, optometrist and doctors appointments.
Click to expand...

Again, that is the other parent's perogative. You are doing exactly what you should be doing. Continue to keep everything up to date and communicate via the platform. Don't get sucked into the SMS wars nonsense.

Helpless said:
Some of you may see this as trivial but it's hard to co parent with an "absent" parent.
Click to expand...

To be frank your agreement has nothing to do with "co-parenting". You (a) have majority access and (b) sole custody of the children. You are sole custodial "parenting" by virtue of your sole custody order/agreement and you are "majority" parenting on the access time.

To think that a parent that gets the E-O-W order is going to "co-parent" is a pipe dream that you should drop. They are going to either (a) ignore you, (b) annoy you, (c) undermine you so they can "win" back the child or (d) abandon you and in turn the child.

It sounds like you are dealing with option (d) "Abandonment". By virtue of the order they are responsible for NOTHING with regards to the child. Every-other-weekend they see the child but, that isn't really enough to motivate most parents to "parent" or to "co-parent".

Helpless said:
I get it, he's bitter and angry, he lost custody and a lot of time with S7, through his own fault, but I deal with all that backlash too and try to offer S7 stability and a happy childhood...
Click to expand...

But, would you want to co-parent with someone like that. You can at any time come to a new agreement, void the previous order and enter into a full joint custodial situation with equal 50-50 access of the child. Maybe his anger would change if he was given the opportunity to be an equal (aka co) parent. Now, this is not what I am suggesting you do.

But, you need to consider what the root of the other parent's anger is. Is it the situation of being an E-O-W parent who has no say in the child's well beeing? That can really cause some parents, who otherwise would be excellent parents, to make some stupid decisions like you have outlined.

Anyone who takes option (d) "Absent Parent" in a hissy fit over what happened isn't going to ever be a "co-parent".

Good Luck!
Tayken
 
trinton said:
That is what happens when your children are viewed by you as a money prize to be won.
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Euuhhhh my S7's well being is worth more to me than anything in this Universe. I'm surprised you saw the word "lottery" and automatically associated it with money...

But thank you for your reply.
 
Thanks for the great words of wisdom Tayken, I really appreciate it! My motto's been "take the high road" as much as I can and I abide by my order. It just really blows my mind and it's good to have such forums to vent! Again, much thanks!
 
Tayken said:
To think that a parent that gets the E-O-W order is going to "co-parent" is a pipe dream that you should drop. They are going to either (a) ignore you, (b) annoy you, (c) undermine you so they can "win" back the child or (d) abandon you and in turn the child.
Click to expand...

Stats on the above please.
 
mcdreamy said:
Stats on the above please.
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CHILD CUSTODY - Selected Statistics on Canadian Families and Family Law: Second Edition


The regularity of visits also drops considerably over time. Fifty-seven percent of children whose parents had been separated for less than two years at the time of the survey visited their fathers regularly (every week or every two weeks). This percentage drops to thirty-one percent when the parents had been separated five or more years before the survey.
Click to expand...

f15.gif
 
Ya beat me to it. There are other sources but, this is the best CND one. There are a pile attached to the Austrailian stuff. They did a huge study... That is why things are different there.
 
mcdreamy said:
To think that a parent that gets the E-O-W order is going to "co-parent" is a pipe dream that you should drop. They are going to either (a) ignore you, (b) annoy you, (c) undermine you so they can "win" back the child or (d) abandon you and in turn the child.

Stats on the above please.
Click to expand...

To clarify I am only outlining the "negative" side of EOW parent. The positive side is a parent who improves the situation in a positive way to increase access and obtain custody. This is sort of covered in (c) but, they are doing it in the court-positive way to do it.

e.g. Going to parenting courses, joining the PTA, volunteering at everything the children participate in, arranging oodles of play dates, building a parental network, and generally being "super parent" even if they are not the "sole custody" and "majority access parent".

As genuine as they are being... It still falls into (c). Every EOW parent is either reducing access out of defeat or trying to increase it - positively or negatively it is still an attempt to increase access.
 
Tayken said:
e.g. Going to parenting courses, joining the PTA, volunteering at everything the children participate in, arranging oodles of play dates, building a parental network, and generally being "super parent" even if they are not the "sole custody" and "majority access parent".
Click to expand...


It feels great to be a "super parent" too!
 
Helpless said:
What a sad stat! I briefly skimmed through the articles and information but I still wonder why this happens, is it because the fathers are disinterested, the children won't visit, mothers not following through...It seems to go down for every category over time...It is also a 20 yr old study, things may have changed.
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No they haven't, When a parent gets the impression that they are nothing but a wallet then they lose interest.

Take a look at a car your friend gets, it's your friends not yours, you don't have any say in it, you don't have any interest in it.

I believe that the father was rail roaded by the private assessor. I would be extremely interested in who the social worker and private assessor was? Are you willing to give their names. So that others can avoid them?

I would suggest you do as tayken notes, but doesn't suggest.
How about doing a trial run for 2 months where you share the child 50/50 and see how things change.

Your access schedule is your typical access schedule of what I call a biased schedule. Friday at 4pm to mon at 9am, every other week. and mondays from 4pm to tuesday at 9am?
Question does the father have to make lunch for the child on the monday or do you drop it off at the school???? If the child is sick all weekend on his weekend does he drop the child off to you on monday morning at 9am or does he keep them home during the day? If the answer is he keeps them or wants to keep them, then he is a good parent, if you insist in him bringing the child back to you then you are part of the problem. A child needs to understand that both parents are able to look after them when they are sick, that they are capable of comforting him. If they don't as they grow older their friends become more important and access parents become inconveniences to their personal lives.
The fact that you are given custody or access from 9am monday to 4pm monday completely points to a fact that even though you don't see him you have control of him when he is in school and I believe it is wrong.
And it based solely on giving zero say to the access parent.

You want him to be more involved?
Do you really want him to be more involved? then give it to him.

I finish this with some homework for you.
Look up Edward Kruk (professor)
http://www.fira.ca/cms/documents/181/April7_Kruk.pdf
Read it from back to front, and understand it.

Then read his other papers.

Now I have vented.
 
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Helpless said:
What a sad stat! I briefly skimmed through the articles and information but I still wonder why this happens, is it because the fathers are disinterested, the children won't visit, mothers not following through...It seems to go down for every category over time...It is also a 20 yr old study, things may have changed.
Click to expand...

There are a few guys at work that were seperated, the kid or kids were moved away in one instance and the other two the kids were brainwashed that the father was bad and did everything they could to delay or inhibit visits, but went after all the money they could possibly get. All 3 of those instances right at the time the children were out of highschool they all went to live with their dad, I am thinking that when mom can not afford them anymore, or they start figuring out dad is not so bad after all the kids steer towards dads house. I think young children automatically side with mom, and dads have to keep working as they are usually the household money maker. I know these circumstances are not common, but it seems kids with seperated/divorced parents quite often renew or start a relationship with their fathers once they get a little older. I even see it with my step daughter who had her mother and grandmother alienate her from her father, my step daughter was sure the guy was everything they said he was, now she is in contact with her father as well as others on that side of the family, unfortunately she was moved away from him....the quick silent move where she was already settled into a new school and friends and mom had a job etc...sometimes fathers need a little time and patience, or put up a fight if the circumstances allow them too.
 
involveddad75 said:
No they haven't, When a parent gets the impression that they are nothing but a wallet then they lose interest.

Take a look at a car your friend gets, it's your friends not yours, you don't have any say in it, you don't have any interest in it.

I believe that the father was rail roaded by the private assessor. I would be extremely interested in who the social worker and private assessor was? Are you willing to give their names. So that others can avoid them?

The private assessor was actually great help considering all the issues. She worked with us for over two months. I found that her recommendations were on point considering S7's emotional and academic struggles.

I would suggest you do as tayken notes, but doesn't suggest.
How about doing a trial run for 2 months where you share the child 50/50 and see how things change.

The access changed six months ago, prior to this we were at 50/50 or Monday to Monday for a year. What ended up happening is S7's was diagnosed with ADHD and a possible learning disability, exhibiting behaviors in both home and school. These behaviors were at times very aggressive. Ex chose not to be implicated in any of the school meetings, plans, follow ups. He maintained that S7's struggles were non existent (even though the T.A. had all scratch marks to prove it, other kids were also asked to leave the class room and created multiple social impacts for S7.) We were both on the same page when it came to medication, we didn`t want S7 on it but the aggression worsen to a point where we were getting constant calls from the school and S7 . I offered multiple avenues, diet changes, natural supplements, therapy and tutoring,home schooling, private schooling, Ex snuffed it all. I implemented all of these, other than home or private schooling, in our home. But S7`s issues progressed. I chose (after 6 months of ongoing struggles) to get a script. Ex was angry but it noticeably reduced all of the above mentioned issues.

Your access schedule is your typical access schedule of what I call a biased schedule. Friday at 4pm to mon at 9am, every other week. and mondays from 4pm to tuesday at 9am?
Question does the father have to make lunch for the child on the monday or do you drop it off at the school????

Yes, he still makes his lunches.

If the child is sick all weekend on his weekend does he drop the child off to you on monday morning at 9am or does he keep them home during the day? If the answer is he keeps them or wants to keep them, then he is a good parent, if you insist in him bringing the child back to you then you are part of the problem.

This hasn`t happened yet but on PD days, he`s responsible for him until Tuesdays 9PM. I`ve had a clause added in our CO that states that should ex address his emotional reactivity, stress levels, drug use and negativity towards me, then we can move forward with a Friday to Friday access. There is also a clause for additional access during summer months.

A child needs to understand that both parents are able to look after them when they are sick, that they are capable of comforting him. If they don't as they grow older their friends become more important and access parents become inconveniences to their personal lives.
The fact that you are given custody or access from 9am monday to 4pm monday completely points to a fact that even though you don't see him you have control of him when he is in school and I believe it is wrong.
And it based solely on giving zero say to the access parent.

The conflict between him and I is not new, we`ve been separated for 6 years. Ex`s had multiple years to straighten himself out. There has also been times where police have escorted me to my car, work place (last time being at Court house) as ex becomes quite aggressive and distraught. As of now, it`s incessant SMS messages, at times criticizing,belittling me or my parenting. No you understand why he`s not in a position to make decisions or S7`s well being.

You want him to be more involved?
Do you really want him to be more involved? then give it to him.

He`s had multiple opportunities, and I won`t continue pushing on or giving him the benefit of doubt that he will choose that. Although his SMS from yesterday stated that he would be calling my cell to wish S7 goodnight, every night, that I better answer or else. Funny because as per CO, we split our March Break and exchange on Wednesday (he`s unaware of this as last night he proposed to keep S7 until Tuesday).

I finish this with some homework for you.
Look up Edward Kruk (professor)
http://www.fira.ca/cms/documents/181/April7_Kruk.pdf
Read it from back to front, and understand it.

I will certainly read it! Thank you for the resources, I really appreciate it and your take on this.

Then read his other papers.

Now I have vented.
Click to expand...

Great vent :D
 
Tayken said:
To solve the communications platform, what you do is you copy and paste the exact text messages (that are actually relevant and deserve a reply) into OFW and respond via the platform. You don't respond via SMS. That way you are complying with the court order (or agreement) and are responding to the other parent. If they don't log in and read the messages - they are the ones at fault.


Tayken
Click to expand...


The SMS communications continued up until last night, even after I copy pasted the same 'This is not an emergency, I have replied on OFW'.

He maintains that he will not use OFW. Is this grounds for restraining order or peace bond? I'm doing the best I can but when I reply with the above message, he gets angrier and belittling, this has been going on since I`ve posted my initial message.
 
arabian said:
A good parent pays child support in a timely manner. No exceptions IMO.
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Agreed, but there are no repercussions when they don`t or it takes an eternity for FRO to engage and by then, parents know that if they make a mediocre payment, they`re safe for another few months. Arrgghhh!:D
 
One reason it takes so long is that there are MANY deadbeats for these enforcement agencies to deal with.
 
arabian said:
One reason it takes so long is that there are MANY deadbeats for these enforcement agencies to deal with.
Click to expand...

Another sad reality...I'm happy I have steady income and can support myself and my family. But it blows my mind that I have to enforce a payment of arrears that's been outstanding since 2013-14... I have to apply pressure on a worker that has little to no resources and who works for a ministry that won't hire additional workers for case management. There are so many cases like mine, as per the Ombudsman Office... Puke!
 
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