Nothing to do with being a beta, this just sounds like someone who's gotten stuck in a rut (of being caught up in the drama of the ex and kids). Maybe a vacation (with cellphone off) will help him to refocus and reboot.
Ugh
- Thread starter rockscan
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Nothing to do with being a beta, this just sounds like someone who's gotten stuck in a rut (of being caught up in the drama of the ex and kids). Maybe a vacation (with cellphone off) will help him to refocus and reboot.
Well hello from the sunny Caribbean!!
To catch up, he got a call from his oldest that I saw as positive. They had a good chat and he told her she and her sister are welcome to join us in the future. From the sounds of it, her holidays will suck because their "traditions" means not accommodating her special diet. I was pretty pissed about that and my partner was shocked. She also told him she wished the four of them could have christmas together. He reminded her the difficulties with her mother prevent that.
We had a very rough first day--8 hour flight delay, screaming kids in front of us on the plane, line ups, delays on the highway to the resort. All I got was "never again!" But today was brilliant and a perfect day for him. He realized his life long dream today and is very very happy.
Stress makes you crazy but sometimes you make it through it.
And yes Im taking my allotted 15 mins on my phone to wish everyone a merry christmas. Even if you're going through hell, you're not alone. Xoxo
To catch up, he got a call from his oldest that I saw as positive. They had a good chat and he told her she and her sister are welcome to join us in the future. From the sounds of it, her holidays will suck because their "traditions" means not accommodating her special diet. I was pretty pissed about that and my partner was shocked. She also told him she wished the four of them could have christmas together. He reminded her the difficulties with her mother prevent that.
We had a very rough first day--8 hour flight delay, screaming kids in front of us on the plane, line ups, delays on the highway to the resort. All I got was "never again!" But today was brilliant and a perfect day for him. He realized his life long dream today and is very very happy.
Stress makes you crazy but sometimes you make it through it.
And yes Im taking my allotted 15 mins on my phone to wish everyone a merry christmas. Even if you're going through hell, you're not alone. Xoxo
arabian
New member
Is it just me or does her SO sound a tad self-centred? (I have visions of her jumping around catering to his every whim with the hope that he will have a nice time.)
So the SO tells the daughter the reason they can't have Christmas together (all 4 of them - presumably the 2 daughters, the x and himself) is because of "difficulties with her mother"???? I would think that a more appropriate response would be along the line of .... your mother and I are divorced.... we both love you very much.... I have another person I share my life with now......
Yeah Rockscan - Merry Christmas and a HAPPY NEW NEW NEW YEAR!
So the SO tells the daughter the reason they can't have Christmas together (all 4 of them - presumably the 2 daughters, the x and himself) is because of "difficulties with her mother"???? I would think that a more appropriate response would be along the line of .... your mother and I are divorced.... we both love you very much.... I have another person I share my life with now......
Yeah Rockscan - Merry Christmas and a HAPPY NEW NEW NEW YEAR!
Berner_Faith
New member
I do a lot for my husband but he also does a lot for me, that doesn't mean either of us are self centered.
I agree that his response to their daughters were not appropriate, he should not blame the mother, even if she is the reason, that isn't fair to do to the kids. If I remember correctly his kids are teens? So it can be assumed they know the reasons their parents and them can't spend xmas together.
Merry Christmas,MI hope you two enjoy your trip! Who knows maybe next time the kids would like to join you
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We're back! It was an awesome vacation and I got my partner that I fell in love with back. I told him yesterday I missed that guy and am glad hes back. He was so relaxed and happy it was nice to see.
We're both a little self centred and we tend to forget sometimes we have each other. The problem (if there is one) is that hes a restless go go go person and Im a relaxed let me sit here and read my book person. Several nights he woke at 3 am afraid he was missing something. He didnt like that I would say leave me alone Im sleeping. He does a lot for me, I just complain when he's being difficult.
As for the talk with his daughter, I didnt elaborate much. His kids (and his ex) have a hard time a) letting go of the bs with the separation and divorce and b) understanding that things dont always remain the same. Its great that you have traditions and you like doing things a certain way but things change, people grow up, families evolve. Things cant always be "the way they were". There was a couple we met who had gone away for the first time over the holidays to celebrate their wedding anniversary and her birthday. It was weird but they loved it they said. My partners ex and his kids cling to this idea that they have to do things the same way all the time. He told her things have changed and they all have to move on and accept that they arent the same people. I dont see a problem with him telling her they cant be together like that because of her mother because its true. They tried a family day weekend, her birthday and two school graduations and his ex caused problems she had to mitigate. Not to mention the issues she has caused outside of "family" events. His ex IS a problem and its not unfair for him to say it. What I liked was that she recognized that there WERE happy moments they had together father and daughter(s) to counter what their mother and grandmother have been telling them (and we know they have because another family member who sees it has told them to their face to stop as its unhealthy for the kids). He is being honest with them and thats ok as far as Im concerned.
I told him we need to make a deal that we wont let this crap impact us. He was worried about "the fall out" from his decision to go away and I told him too bad. They make their choices and he makes his. They arent allowed to keep punishing him and if they refuse to move on, thats their loss. He loves them, he makes efforts, he tries everything he can and he continues to leave the door open. If they want to be miserable and ignore him for something that happened five years ago, thats their decision but he has to stop punishing himself. He agreed and he agreed he liked the feeling of being relaxed. Any emails that come in are handled with one or two lines and stick to the legality of it. Any bs from the ex is met with this "this is not appropriate and I will not continue this discussion". No more arguing or trying to express his feelings. She doesn't care. She wants the fight to show what a bad guy is. So no more.
We're both a little self centred and we tend to forget sometimes we have each other. The problem (if there is one) is that hes a restless go go go person and Im a relaxed let me sit here and read my book person. Several nights he woke at 3 am afraid he was missing something. He didnt like that I would say leave me alone Im sleeping. He does a lot for me, I just complain when he's being difficult.
As for the talk with his daughter, I didnt elaborate much. His kids (and his ex) have a hard time a) letting go of the bs with the separation and divorce and b) understanding that things dont always remain the same. Its great that you have traditions and you like doing things a certain way but things change, people grow up, families evolve. Things cant always be "the way they were". There was a couple we met who had gone away for the first time over the holidays to celebrate their wedding anniversary and her birthday. It was weird but they loved it they said. My partners ex and his kids cling to this idea that they have to do things the same way all the time. He told her things have changed and they all have to move on and accept that they arent the same people. I dont see a problem with him telling her they cant be together like that because of her mother because its true. They tried a family day weekend, her birthday and two school graduations and his ex caused problems she had to mitigate. Not to mention the issues she has caused outside of "family" events. His ex IS a problem and its not unfair for him to say it. What I liked was that she recognized that there WERE happy moments they had together father and daughter(s) to counter what their mother and grandmother have been telling them (and we know they have because another family member who sees it has told them to their face to stop as its unhealthy for the kids). He is being honest with them and thats ok as far as Im concerned.
I told him we need to make a deal that we wont let this crap impact us. He was worried about "the fall out" from his decision to go away and I told him too bad. They make their choices and he makes his. They arent allowed to keep punishing him and if they refuse to move on, thats their loss. He loves them, he makes efforts, he tries everything he can and he continues to leave the door open. If they want to be miserable and ignore him for something that happened five years ago, thats their decision but he has to stop punishing himself. He agreed and he agreed he liked the feeling of being relaxed. Any emails that come in are handled with one or two lines and stick to the legality of it. Any bs from the ex is met with this "this is not appropriate and I will not continue this discussion". No more arguing or trying to express his feelings. She doesn't care. She wants the fight to show what a bad guy is. So no more.
The one thing that you can count on is that children are not stupid. As time marches on they will see when adults are out to make others look like the bad guy. Eventually time catches up with the BS and resentment will sway over towards them. I have seen it happen on my end of things.
Well, this week has opened up another pot of stuff that I think may have really opened my partners eyes.
He didnt tell me the whole story about the call from his daughter before we left. Her immediate demand was that he not propose to me assuming that was why were going away. He told her it was none of her business. She didnt like that and THAT was where the whole "I wish we could be a family again Christmas morning" came from. My partner assumed it was because they dont like me.
All week hes been upset about not hearing from them even after texting and emailing. She finally responded yesterday making a comment how he doesnt share aspects of his life so he cant demand it of her (all he did was ask how her holiday was).
When he told me all this last night I felt sad for him. I dont expect them to welcome me or accept me. Thats a given. I just dont get why they feel they can control his life or make him be unhappy. Their mother chooses to be alone and miserable. He moved forward.
He told me I was right and hes going to take a big step back now. Not that I want that, I just wanted him to see that things are different and he needs to approach it differently. We'll see what the next few months bring though.
He didnt tell me the whole story about the call from his daughter before we left. Her immediate demand was that he not propose to me assuming that was why were going away. He told her it was none of her business. She didnt like that and THAT was where the whole "I wish we could be a family again Christmas morning" came from. My partner assumed it was because they dont like me.
All week hes been upset about not hearing from them even after texting and emailing. She finally responded yesterday making a comment how he doesnt share aspects of his life so he cant demand it of her (all he did was ask how her holiday was).
When he told me all this last night I felt sad for him. I dont expect them to welcome me or accept me. Thats a given. I just dont get why they feel they can control his life or make him be unhappy. Their mother chooses to be alone and miserable. He moved forward.
He told me I was right and hes going to take a big step back now. Not that I want that, I just wanted him to see that things are different and he needs to approach it differently. We'll see what the next few months bring though.
A daughter doesn't get veto power over her father's remarriage. That's just way too enmeshed and icky. Dad has the right to marry his girlfriend or to move in with a herd of baboons and an all-girl orchestra if he wants, as long as he fulfills his responsibilities to his children (which don't include "being a family at Christmas"). The kid doesn't have to love the fact the her father is remarrying, but she doesn't get to have a vote on the decision. "None of your business" is the best response to this situation.