Tough Situation

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iceberg

iceberg

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My ex successfully pulled our child out od preschool this semester. Fine, we agreed for kindergarten.

When I work my parents watch my kid. Now my mother is going to Europe for May and June and my father will work from April to July from 6 am to 12 pm.

During my week I will put our child in daycare from 7:30 am 12:30 pm. My dad will pick her up and I drop her off. It is just for 2 months and I have the right to do it during my week. So that comes to only 50 hours a months. I would leave her with my ex's family if they didn't live 1 hour away so it doesn't work.

So when I told this to my ex all hell broke loose. It is not a big deal 5 hours a day in daycare every 2 weeks for 2 months that's total 4 weeks plus but she said no, you cant do it.

Sure I can according to my lawyer but this gives my ex boost for 'non-cooperation' BS. What to do?
 
My ex and I could not agree on child care the summer of 2010. I wrote her an email asking that we put our son in an new summer camp, with an outdoor adventure theme. She refused, stating that our son needed more structure. Ridiculous! After asking her for her input, she stated that she would make her own arrangements (I believe this was financially driven).

It ended up that I made plans for my son during my weeks and she made plans for him during her. My son ended up spending 2 weeks of the summer with her family and the other 6 weeks in separate summer camps. I chose a Y camp and she chose a local community centre.

One thing the OCL said was that this split on child care was not good for our son. She recommends that we work together to provide consistency in care.

In your situation, you say she is not in care with your ex, so this is not the case here. You are able to make child-care arrangements for the time your child is with you. That is not for her to interfere with. That said, I would ask her opinion before making your final decision.

If your ex refuses to provide an objective/reasonable opinion on child care arrangements, just make your decision and provide her with all relevant details.
 
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You do have to be careful here, not to cross the line toward non-cooperation. Even in our final order, final say on health and/or education still requires a consultation with the opposite parent.
 
Pharah said:
In your situation, you say she is not in care with your ex, so this is not the case here. You are able to make child-care arrangements for the time your child is with you. That is not for her to interfere with. That said, I would ask her opinion before making your final decision.

If your ex refuses to provide an objective/reasonable opinion on child care arrangements, just make your decision and provide her with all relevant details.
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Her opinion is the child should stay with her and her family for 2 months M-F. I don't think so. When we drew the agreement 3 years ago, my then lawyer said I have the right to put the child in any daycare during MY week and so does she. The only issue we might have is paying for it(the lawyer mentioned) but I don't ask her to pay anything.
 
Pharah said:
You do have to be careful here, not to cross the line toward non-cooperation. Even in our final order, final say on health and/or education still requires a consultation with the opposite parent.
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I fear nothing but the so called 'non-cooperation' issue. She called this morning said how are you and all nice, can I talk to my daughter? I said of course. My daughter came to me says 'daddy, mommy asked me to ask you if I can go to her place and gave me the phone. I said sure 1 extra day makes no difference. Then she said 'she should stay 2-3 days more with me every-time because I love her more than you and I'm the mom. Ask anybody and everyone would agree, even a judge would agree', she said.

Then I said forget it, come tomorrow at our normal exchange time.

HEALTH AND EDUCATION: Yes it is something very important and parents must comply. But daycare is not education. Its babysitting. Even preschool I believe is not important to agree on. I believe KG and up must be agreed on.
 
Explain to your daughter that you and her mum love her equally and for that reason you take care of her equally and that she spends time with you both equally. Tell her that there is a schedule (which you mark on a calendar she can see and mark off days) and that is what you will stick to.

Repeat this daily if necessary. No more, no less. Say essentially the same thing to your ex, no more no less.
 
Mess said:
Explain to your daughter that you and her mum love her equally and for that reason you take care of her equally and that she spends time with you both equally. Tell her that there is a schedule (which you mark on a calendar she can see and mark off days) and that is what you will stick to.

Repeat this daily if necessary. No more, no less. Say essentially the same thing to your ex, no more no less.
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Come on man she is the mom. She cares about her soooo much FOR THE LAST 6 MONTHS.

Mess, i get your point through all other posts you made in similar threads and you are 100% right. I should not allow any BS and manipulation from her and I should make it clear to her that she is not the boss.

But what if she takes me to court and says we cannot cooperate, I'm afraid she might get sole custody then.I can and I do cooperate but I cant let her boss around. Its like do what she says or she gets sole custody. BS
 
All you need to do is be reasonable. What I meant by bringing up our health and education decision making is that even in a case where one parent has final say, they still need to consult the other parent, to get their input. That does not meant they have to agree with them.

Under no circumstances will she or should she get more time with her then you. Your involvement with your daughter is as important as hers.

A disagreement does not mean there is no cooperation. You have an agreement, if she wants to change it, then she needs the court or your consent to do so. She is pushing you so that you will give her consent.

You have told her that you plan to put your daughter in care while she is with you, this is part of your current agreement. Provide her (in writing) with the information for the arrangements you are making and references, if she would like to investigate herself.

You have already stated that this is in your agreement. The person not co-operating here is your ex, not you.
 
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Pharah said:
A disagreement does not mean there is no cooperation.
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Excuse my English but what is the difference between disagreement and non-cooperation?


Pharah said:
You have told her that you plan to put your daughter in care while she is with you, this is part of your current agreement. Provide her (in writing) with the information for the arrangements you are making and references, if she would like to investigate herself.

You have already stated that this is in your agreement.
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Maybe you misunderstood me. There is no agreement about daycare options. My former lawyer told me I can put the child in daycare during my week if I wish to.

Pharah said:
The person not co-operating here is your ex, not you.
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Does the judge care who is not cooperating?
 
Refusing to cooperate is different then disagreements because non-cooperation could bring your child into direct conflict. By not cooperating, you would have to be causing disagreements and being unreasonable. For instance, when my ex tried to block me for taking a family vacation to Mexico, she not only told our son he was not allowed to go but convinced him that there where bad people in Mexico that would hurt him.

Also there has to have a good reason (based in fact) for disagreeing. My ex's reason for disagreeing with my vacation was that I may leave my son alone on the beach, unsupervised, while in the company of my parents, my new spouse and I. Not to mention that the hotel had a kids club!

Anyway, my point is that there is disagreement for the sack of disagreement and there is non-cooperation which requires a pattern of being unreasonable. The Judge does care if you are being unreasonable, this shows you don't have your child's best interests at heart.

Regardless of what I thought previously, it still doesn't change the fact that you are able to make care arrangements while you are at work for your child, regardless of what she agrees to or doesn't agree to. Her opinion is just that, you make the decision regarding care while your child is with you.
 
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I do not see how non cooperation would be an issue here iceberg, you are doing this for the betterment of your child. If any non cooperation was to come into play it would seem to be against your ex not you. You are providing a safe place for your daughter while you work, it's not like you just don't want her and have someone watching her while you get drunk....

So put her in daycare, before she is enrolled though write a letter to your ex stating your intent and why, sign it, photocopy it and save it. Cover your *ss and let your ex's true colours shine so they can bite her in the ass. No judge will screw you over for putting your child's needs first. You need to work to provide for her living conditions while she is with you, a few hours a day at day care won't hurt her and could be seen as a POSITIVE as it helps her with her social skills and development. Don't let your ex bully you !

:)
 
iceberg said:
Then she said 'she should stay 2-3 days more with me every-time because I love her more than you and I'm the mom. Ask anybody and everyone would agree, even a judge would agree', she said.
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I don't agree and I'm someone, so that's out.

Don't be engaged by that crap.

You have nothing to be afraid of.
 
mama2bee said:
I do not see how non cooperation would be an issue here iceberg, you are doing this for the betterment of your child. If any non cooperation was to come into play it would seem to be against your ex not you. You are providing a safe place for your daughter while you work, it's not like you just don't want her and have someone watching her while you get drunk....

So put her in daycare, before she is enrolled though write a letter to your ex stating your intent and why, sign it, photocopy it and save it. Cover your *ss and let your ex's true colours shine so they can bite her in the ass. No judge will screw you over for putting your child's needs first. You need to work to provide for her living conditions while she is with you, a few hours a day at day care won't hurt her and could be seen as a POSITIVE as it helps her with her social skills and development. Don't let your ex bully you !

:)
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Thanks a lot
 
iceberg said:
You are right man. Just because I fear conflict doesn't mean I shouldn't do what is in the best interest for the child.
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Our mom think that kid should not go to daycare just because there is nobody can take better care of kid like mommy do ...

My arguments that daycare is very important development part for kid does not make any sense for her ....
 
WorkingDAD said:
Our mom think that kid should not go to daycare just because there is nobody can take better care of kid like mommy do ...

My arguments that daycare is very important development part for kid does not make any sense for her ....
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Does school not make any sense to her either? With the new government guidelines all major daycares are preparing kids for junior/ senior kindergarten. Maybe not daycares run out of someones home but actual establishments yes.
 
Well, I did not even touch school topic yet ... somehow mom think that she will prepare kid better to school ...

Base on the fact that about month ago little one (2yo) remembered 4 letters from alphabet by playing school with his step-sister what make mom really angry that I very tough on kid and he is too young to learn letters etc she will do just "GREAT" Sent me article to read about kids without childhood )))))))))))
 
WorkingDAD said:
Our mom think that kid should not go to daycare just because there is nobody can take better care of kid like mommy do ...

My arguments that daycare is very important development part for kid does not make any sense for her ....
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There are 2 opinions of this, one support what you say and the other supports that children under 3 or 4 are better off with a parent or relative instead of daycare. In my own opinion I believe children of young age are better off at home if the parents are separated. Again depends of the child. Some enjoy day-cares and preschools while others never seem to adapt :)

WorkingDAD said:
Well, I did not even touch school topic yet ... somehow mom think that she will prepare kid better to school ...

Base on the fact that about month ago little one (2yo) remembered 4 letters from alphabet by playing school with his step-sister what make mom really angry that I very tough on kid and he is too young to learn letters etc she will do just "GREAT" Sent me article to read about kids without childhood )))))))))))
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Too young to learn letters? Man your ex is something. I taught my daughter the entire alphabet by age of 3 and counting AND recognizing the letters which took me a long time of course and you know what her mom said? She said she is the one who taught her everything. .
 
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