dadtotheend
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Not likely.
Time for change
- Thread starter Skipper3
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Not likely.
As mentioned previously, I opted for agreeing to 50/50. Children need to be loved by both parents. Enough have told me that women are better at raising them and organizing etc. but I think that is a crock. There have been some pretty awful moms I've met since divorced (my X's kids have the worst one yet....that I've met). There are some great examples of bad dads too.
BUT, I've also been told many times that kids are not stupid....to which I've also found both examples.
So I've seen and learned a lot in the past 5 years - wish I could do some of this marriage and child rearing over again.
What has proven the biggest truth to me - is my child really is NOT stupid. Her father has bought her everything, but seems to be missing out on everything she wants. To be loved and respected. She really wants to read, go to school and be a great person - to which she now realizes her father does not 'teach' her things.
So to the dads out there - be a 'parent' and parent your kids. They love guidelines, boundaries, limits, etc. They need to feel that you are behind them even when some things are tough.
My girl is sick at home right now and cried again last night about going to her dad's Friday night. "He just won't look after me mom".
How awful to hear that. I do give her instructions on how to look after herself, and if in doubt to phone me (if you've read before, that won't happen).
SO....in the end, 5 years later, is why we are where we are. SHE WANTS to be with the parent that will parent her. It was NOT my choice and until 6 months ago, total news to me as I just don't speak ill of her dad. She came to this on her own and is just sick of it. Time to make a decision for herself.
So there is hope. Keep up the happy face, positive attitude and 'best food forward'. Your kids do actually listen and learn.
Hope this helps someone out there.
BUT, I've also been told many times that kids are not stupid....to which I've also found both examples.
So I've seen and learned a lot in the past 5 years - wish I could do some of this marriage and child rearing over again.
What has proven the biggest truth to me - is my child really is NOT stupid. Her father has bought her everything, but seems to be missing out on everything she wants. To be loved and respected. She really wants to read, go to school and be a great person - to which she now realizes her father does not 'teach' her things.
So to the dads out there - be a 'parent' and parent your kids. They love guidelines, boundaries, limits, etc. They need to feel that you are behind them even when some things are tough.
My girl is sick at home right now and cried again last night about going to her dad's Friday night. "He just won't look after me mom".
How awful to hear that. I do give her instructions on how to look after herself, and if in doubt to phone me (if you've read before, that won't happen).
SO....in the end, 5 years later, is why we are where we are. SHE WANTS to be with the parent that will parent her. It was NOT my choice and until 6 months ago, total news to me as I just don't speak ill of her dad. She came to this on her own and is just sick of it. Time to make a decision for herself.
So there is hope. Keep up the happy face, positive attitude and 'best food forward'. Your kids do actually listen and learn.
Hope this helps someone out there.
billiechic
New member
In my case I don't call my daughter because that would mean having to speak with my ex. Every single time I call I end up talking to him and we argue, or he begs for a second chance. I've tried not to respond, but it isn't easy, so I just don't call. It sucks, but the OCL lawyer was supportive of it.
I would think that for others here it may be the same, or that maybe the other parent finds it disruptive. I can understand if that's the case. Even if a call is scheduled for say 6:30, that doesn't mean the regular schedule will be progressing on time. You never know when you may get held up in traffic, or the kids are eating dinner, at sports etc. I think it really is easier for the kids to call.
billiechic
New member
Skipper,
It sounds like your daughter is really mature and knows what she wants and for good reason. If she is really insistent then you could ask the Office of the Children's Lawyer (OCL) to assist her. I would wait until she's seen the psychologist though and find out if her desires to be with you more are supported by him/her.
Until then keep trying to engage the dad and be encouraging of both homes. I think your problem lies with the step-mom. If you can get dad to the table and leave her at home you may be able to work together on this. Just remember, it has to be just mom and dad, and no significant others.
It sounds like your daughter is really mature and knows what she wants and for good reason. If she is really insistent then you could ask the Office of the Children's Lawyer (OCL) to assist her. I would wait until she's seen the psychologist though and find out if her desires to be with you more are supported by him/her.
Until then keep trying to engage the dad and be encouraging of both homes. I think your problem lies with the step-mom. If you can get dad to the table and leave her at home you may be able to work together on this. Just remember, it has to be just mom and dad, and no significant others.
ConcernenedStepMom78
New member
billie I understand...I have a horrible ex BUT when I call he lets the kids answer this alleviates him answering and he knows I do not want to communicate via phone unless absolutely necessary, I even Skype and webcam with my boys, they have comps in their rooms so the e doesnt have to see...LOL....BUT webcams are nice this day and age for those that do live far away from their kids. I have had to monitor my kids many a time because my ex works won't hire a sitter and leaves our 13 year old to babysit his 10 and 5 year old brothers for up to 6 hours a day, needless to say the kids need an adult around if if via cam.
billiechic
New member
Glad you can do thast with your kids stepmom. Mine just turned 4 though, so I have a ways to go before we can try any of that.
I'm hoping to get a schedule change though after our OCL disclosure next week. If that doesn't work I'm going to put in a motion to do that. I think my daughter and I can both handle 4-5 days without contact, but a week is too long at her age. As it is I go visit her at daycare on Tuesdays when she is with her dad just to break the 7-day stretch!
I'm hoping to get a schedule change though after our OCL disclosure next week. If that doesn't work I'm going to put in a motion to do that. I think my daughter and I can both handle 4-5 days without contact, but a week is too long at her age. As it is I go visit her at daycare on Tuesdays when she is with her dad just to break the 7-day stretch!
Skipper,
It is very obvious that you love your child and would do anything for her. But... I find myself questioning if you are really thinking clearly about the situation.
You did not opt for this. Both parents agreed to this in the best interest of the child. You did not have a choice to opt for it. Your choice was whether to fight for a different arrangement. You chose not to. I think that is a good thing. The reason that I am pointing this out to you isn't just a word play game - it is because from the tone of your posts it seems like you believe that you know best for your child, you make or break the decisions and dad doesn't have the decision power. It would be just as easy for you to say that you and your child's father opted for 50-50 because you both knew that children need to be loved by both parents. Stating it the way that you did makes it a bit adversarial. You aren't working with the other parent for the child.
I understand your frustration. We have a very similar problem with my step-kids mom. But... when she comes to you and says that dad buys her a lot of things but doesn't love or respect her - you should be telling her that of course he loves and respects her. If she wants to read, go to school and be a great person, that is wonderful - you have done a fantastic job of teaching her what is important. However if she wants to be a great person part of that "greatness" is accepting other peoples limitations and differences. Part of that is to try to have a real, honest relationship with her father. She will (for the rest of her life) have to try to find common ground with her father and a way for them to get along. Obviously they will not agree on everything, and some stages of her life will be harder than others... but the time may come when your daughter tells you something that she doesn't like about you... that dad does really well. I don't think that you would like it if he took the same approach that you are taking.
Again, I feel that you are alienating the other parent. You were saying at the beginning of your email that you know that there is good and bad in both moms and dads - why single out all of the dads?
Then PARENT her - tell her that she is too young to make that decision and that it has to be up to the adults in her life to work out any problems. All she has to do is be a child and try to make the best family relationships that she can. Tell her that you understand that SHE WANTS to be with you... but that as an adult you know that one of the most important things in the world is the relationship between a child and a parent. If dad doesn't understand what she wants from him, it is really important for her to keep trying to tell him. Next time he takes her out to buy and expensive gift tell her to tell him - no thank you - instead can we go to the library? I want to show you one of my favourite things.... (or whatever non monetary thing she likes) I would doubt very much that he would say no. Then there would instantly be a bridge built between them - based on what she says she needs.
But it is not "time to make a decision for herself." She is not old enough to make a decision for herself. It may be time for the adults in her life to make a decision for her. That is up to you. She should in no way have to make an adult decision.
Yes, I absolutely agree... your kids do learn from you. Your child has learned to value reading and school and "bing a good person" from you and that is wonderful. Maybe it is time to teach her the tools for how to deal with stressful situations, how to problem solve, how to build relationships and deal with people that you don't understand. Help her build a relationship with her dad - Yes, I know that you have stated that he doesn't do the same for you - but your daughter will listen and learn from how you handle the situation. If she sees you being the "bigger" person she will love you all the more. If you help to rebuild the relationship with dad - you have given her the best gift of all.
Good Luck
It is very obvious that you love your child and would do anything for her. But... I find myself questioning if you are really thinking clearly about the situation.
You did not opt for this. Both parents agreed to this in the best interest of the child. You did not have a choice to opt for it. Your choice was whether to fight for a different arrangement. You chose not to. I think that is a good thing. The reason that I am pointing this out to you isn't just a word play game - it is because from the tone of your posts it seems like you believe that you know best for your child, you make or break the decisions and dad doesn't have the decision power. It would be just as easy for you to say that you and your child's father opted for 50-50 because you both knew that children need to be loved by both parents. Stating it the way that you did makes it a bit adversarial. You aren't working with the other parent for the child.
I understand your frustration. We have a very similar problem with my step-kids mom. But... when she comes to you and says that dad buys her a lot of things but doesn't love or respect her - you should be telling her that of course he loves and respects her. If she wants to read, go to school and be a great person, that is wonderful - you have done a fantastic job of teaching her what is important. However if she wants to be a great person part of that "greatness" is accepting other peoples limitations and differences. Part of that is to try to have a real, honest relationship with her father. She will (for the rest of her life) have to try to find common ground with her father and a way for them to get along. Obviously they will not agree on everything, and some stages of her life will be harder than others... but the time may come when your daughter tells you something that she doesn't like about you... that dad does really well. I don't think that you would like it if he took the same approach that you are taking.
Again, I feel that you are alienating the other parent. You were saying at the beginning of your email that you know that there is good and bad in both moms and dads - why single out all of the dads?
Then PARENT her - tell her that she is too young to make that decision and that it has to be up to the adults in her life to work out any problems. All she has to do is be a child and try to make the best family relationships that she can. Tell her that you understand that SHE WANTS to be with you... but that as an adult you know that one of the most important things in the world is the relationship between a child and a parent. If dad doesn't understand what she wants from him, it is really important for her to keep trying to tell him. Next time he takes her out to buy and expensive gift tell her to tell him - no thank you - instead can we go to the library? I want to show you one of my favourite things.... (or whatever non monetary thing she likes) I would doubt very much that he would say no. Then there would instantly be a bridge built between them - based on what she says she needs.
But it is not "time to make a decision for herself." She is not old enough to make a decision for herself. It may be time for the adults in her life to make a decision for her. That is up to you. She should in no way have to make an adult decision.
Yes, I absolutely agree... your kids do learn from you. Your child has learned to value reading and school and "bing a good person" from you and that is wonderful. Maybe it is time to teach her the tools for how to deal with stressful situations, how to problem solve, how to build relationships and deal with people that you don't understand. Help her build a relationship with her dad - Yes, I know that you have stated that he doesn't do the same for you - but your daughter will listen and learn from how you handle the situation. If she sees you being the "bigger" person she will love you all the more. If you help to rebuild the relationship with dad - you have given her the best gift of all.
Good Luck
dadtotheend
New member
Another awesome post by Lumpy. This person GETS IT!
billiechic
New member
I don't think so. I think this mother is making attempts and maybe is not able to express it so explicitly. I think Lumpy is reading between the lines a little bit. I seriously doubt this is a case of PA, maybe just a little more understanding is needed by this mom, and the dad too.
Lumpy, that was a little too judgemental. This mom is ASKING for advice and seems willing to listen. I don't think she's doing ANYTHING here to deserve criticism. Maybe her point of view is a little one-sided, but harsh words are not needed here, she's open to opinions!
dadtotheend
New member
Maybe you're right that lumpy may be reading too much into it. Or maybe not. Maybe skipper isn't the person that lumpy thinks she is. But she communicates in ways that I interpret to mean that she thinks she is a superior parent to dad and that maybe affecting her child's regard for dad.
Beyond all those maybe's, Lumpy's comments are very child centred. The examples are spot on.
Lumpy's comments are all about facilitating and promoting a relationship with the other parent, which is a huge, but underrated determinant of custody.
When a child's feelings and postive regard for the other parent are not only protected but nurtured that child stands a much better good chance of emerging from a separation emotionally healthy.
Beyond all those maybe's, Lumpy's comments are very child centred. The examples are spot on.
Lumpy's comments are all about facilitating and promoting a relationship with the other parent, which is a huge, but underrated determinant of custody.
When a child's feelings and postive regard for the other parent are not only protected but nurtured that child stands a much better good chance of emerging from a separation emotionally healthy.
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billiechic
New member
Agreed. But I think this is more the case of word usage rather than a superior attitude. When its a question of superiority, I generally get creepy crawling sensations reading those posts..none from this poster though!
In general Lumpy has excellent responses and is very helpful. I'm not contesting that at all!
In general Lumpy has excellent responses and is very helpful. I'm not contesting that at all!
I may be reading between the lines a little bit - but that is what I read. But I do say that from the start (I am questioning... it sounds like.... I worry that....)
I also doubt that this is a serious case of PA - but sometimes we all get so involved in our own situations that we don't realize the little things that we do that do, in fact, don't promote the child's relationship with the other parent. I don't think that there is anyone who doesn't do it once in a while (myself included) - even parents who stay together. What I am trying to say to this mother is to be VERY CAREFUL of the instances when she is doing this, due to her daughter's obvious problems with her father. She says her child is very mature and picks up on the behaviors that she has been teaching her. If so, I'm sure she doesn't want her to pick up that behavior.
This is my opinion. She doesn't have to take my advice. That is all it is. I can't make her do anything. I am not attacking her personally. In fact I have said some nice things about her parenting and positive opinions too. She asked about how to work the phone problem - I gave her advice - no criticism. She asked about the psychologist - I told her very postive advice. I have said that it is obvious that she loves her child, that she teaches her very important things.
Really the only "negative" things that I have said are to leave the daughter out of an adult decision and that I think that she could try harder to promote the other parent. The dad is willing to go to counseling to hear his daughter's problems with him. THAT should be the next step... so, as I said before, try to do that A.S.A.P.
I believe that most people who come to this forum are trying to be the best parent/step-parent that they can be. If something that I asked about sounded a little odd or one sided, I would hope that someone would tell me the other way of thinking about it. Sometimes its hard to see the other parent's side of things. Its good to get other opinions and perspectives. I may be completely wrong about how I am reading this mom's posts. If I am 'preaching to the choir' - excellent, in that case I hope I am reading it wrong! One less child stuck in the middle of a bad situation. Either way, I hope it works out for the child, mom and dad.
cheers!
I also doubt that this is a serious case of PA - but sometimes we all get so involved in our own situations that we don't realize the little things that we do that do, in fact, don't promote the child's relationship with the other parent. I don't think that there is anyone who doesn't do it once in a while (myself included) - even parents who stay together. What I am trying to say to this mother is to be VERY CAREFUL of the instances when she is doing this, due to her daughter's obvious problems with her father. She says her child is very mature and picks up on the behaviors that she has been teaching her. If so, I'm sure she doesn't want her to pick up that behavior.
This is my opinion. She doesn't have to take my advice. That is all it is. I can't make her do anything. I am not attacking her personally. In fact I have said some nice things about her parenting and positive opinions too. She asked about how to work the phone problem - I gave her advice - no criticism. She asked about the psychologist - I told her very postive advice. I have said that it is obvious that she loves her child, that she teaches her very important things.
Really the only "negative" things that I have said are to leave the daughter out of an adult decision and that I think that she could try harder to promote the other parent. The dad is willing to go to counseling to hear his daughter's problems with him. THAT should be the next step... so, as I said before, try to do that A.S.A.P.
I believe that most people who come to this forum are trying to be the best parent/step-parent that they can be. If something that I asked about sounded a little odd or one sided, I would hope that someone would tell me the other way of thinking about it. Sometimes its hard to see the other parent's side of things. Its good to get other opinions and perspectives. I may be completely wrong about how I am reading this mom's posts. If I am 'preaching to the choir' - excellent, in that case I hope I am reading it wrong! One less child stuck in the middle of a bad situation. Either way, I hope it works out for the child, mom and dad.
cheers!
billiechic
New member
No offense meant to you lumpy. I think it was just the PA part that worried me. Just don't want to see someone who is actually trying to make things better for her child run off the forum. Your advice and comments are good, I just don't agree with them 100% this time.
I think we are all on the same page here, just maybe not the same sentence.
I think we are all on the same page here, just maybe not the same sentence.
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