The kids best interests

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inseperationhell

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Need some advice on how to tread on the thin ice of seperation. Been sperated for 3 months (my decision). Have 3 kids together. He has been bitter and making life as difficult as possible. He has also been as unreasonable as possible. For example, I asked to go to mediation and when, he responded on his timeframe and terms which meant not now. All I want is to decide on some immediate issues regarding finances and the kids for the kids sake - i.e. living arrangements. Every few weeks, he demands to change the custody arrangements unilaterally on his terms in front of the children...just the tip of the iceberg. I have been berated for hiring a lawyer.
My two 7 year olds just informed me that Dad is no longer requiring them to use their booster seats when he has them. By law in Ontario, they must be in booster seats (they do not meet the age, height or weight requirements). I am worried about their safety when in the car with him. What is the best way to approach this situation? I feel like if I say anything (even to my lawyer), I will get the brunt of accusations etc once again, if I am silent, I know the kids are in danger if they are in an accident. I have also been told by the kids that Dad is going to let the little ones stay at home alone when they are 8. I believe that 2 eight year olds in a house alone (we live in the country, few neighbors) is not a good idea but can't find any laws or statutes in Ontario regarding what age a child can stay on their own.
If anyone has any hints on how to navigate an issue as this, would appreciate it.
 
Well, things have changed - instead of a two parents at the same time, they have one at a time. You are different people, different parents.

It helps to teach yourself that the relationship etc between the kids and their father is not overly your concern. It is not your place to judge him and intercede where you would do different, you've got to learn to recognize that that relationship is none of your business.

I am not talking extremes, or not communicating with him to be better together (including the concerns you mention here), but in the end - its not something that you can have ownership over - they are his kids to raise as he sees fit as much as they are yours.

Getting lawyers involved over booster seats is not a good idea - tell him directly, tell him in a manner that is the least offence to him (ie, tell him that it makes you worry, and that you can see that it is not something that he is concerned about, but you would appreciate that he considers your side and keeps using the seats until such and such a time. Also mention that you will strive to understand his needs/wants regarding things you do with the kids).

Moms and Dads are typically different - and having both of them raise you give you balance. Mom might say, 'don't climb too high in that tree', and Dad might say 'I'll bet you can make it to the top!!' - Neither is wrong, but balance needs to be found.

Also you are newly separated, just keep smiling and doing your best to be level with him, and over time he will probably calm down from the emotions of being left, and deal with you in a more open way.
 
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The Child & Family Services Act states that "No person having charge of a child less than 16 years of age shall leave the child without making provision for his or her supervision and care that is reasonable in the circumstances."

This is the generally accepted interpretation of that legislation:

Infant - 9 years
A child of this age should not be left unsupervised at any time of the day or night. A competent caregiver should be on the same premises as the children.

10 -12 years
Short periods of indirect supervision of 1-2 hours may be acceptable for this age range. These short periods of indirect supervision may be provided by an adult in the next house or apartment-- if the adult is aware of the parents' absence, and agrees to look in on the child during specified periods of time.

Please note that indirect supervision via telephone contact is generally unacceptable for this age range.

13 - 14 years
Longer periods of indirect supervision (2 - 5 hours) are acceptable for this age range. An adult/babysitter should be available by telephone to the children in case of an emergency, or if the child requires assistance.

15 -16 years
At this age, the child should be able to be left alone for a full day. The parent should be readily available by telephone to the child in case of an emergency.

These are guidelines only. Every child and situation is different, and should be assessed individually.

From Durham Children's Aid Society
 
Typically CAS takes a dim view of children < age 12 being left alone. At age 12 they can legally babysit smaller children given they can take the Red Cross? Babysitting course offered in most middle schools.

It's a safety concern...if you find out he's doing it, call CAS accordingly.
 
NBDad said:
Typically CAS takes a dim view of children < age 12 being left alone. At age 12 they can legally babysit smaller children given they can take the Red Cross? Babysitting course offered in most middle schools.

It's a safety concern...if you find out he's doing it, call CAS accordingly.
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Exactly. The Act deliberately avoids specific ages, as every situation is unique (there are plenty of 12-year-olds who still require supervision), but the guidelines I quoted above are from the CAS in Durham region and are pretty standard. Eight-year-olds being left alone is not safe, and the CAS won't look kindly on it.
 
canadamama said:
Exactly. The Act deliberately avoids specific ages, as every situation is unique (there are plenty of 12-year-olds who still require supervision), but the guidelines I quoted above are from the CAS in Durham region and are pretty standard. Eight-year-olds being left alone is not safe, and the CAS won't look kindly on it.
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How odd - I am currently going through a similar situation. My ex has been leaving our daughters (5 and 7) alone in the apartment.

After considering it for a long time I finally called CAS. Unfortunately, my ex and I are unable to communicate so it is impossible for me to mention this to him in any way that wouldn't result in complete fury from him.

In your situation I highly recommend you email him your concerns so you have a record and if things don't change, don't hesitate to contact CAS. They can educate him on what is appropriate. And ask exactly that - don' t be vindictive, just let them know that you are concerned and ask that they educate him.

The car seat issue is very serious. They are not just guidelines, they are law. He will receive a ticket if he gets pulled over and the children are not in car seats.

This is not an issue of 'daddy parents differently than mommy', this is completely a safety issue and you have a right to be concerned. Good luck. :)'

As a side note - be careful too - sometimes kids say things that aren't quite true. My daughter told my ex, for instance, that I was going to let her walk to school alone (when she was in kindergarten) and he flipped. It wasn't true - she was excited that there was a path to the nearby school and figured she was going to walk there. So maybe start your letter with, our son mentioned that...and I wanted to make sure that he misunderstood.....
 
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CSAngel said:
The car seat issue is very serious. They are not just guidelines, they are law. He will receive a ticket if he gets pulled over and the children are not in car seats.

This is not an issue of 'daddy parents differently than mommy', this is completely a safety issue and you have a right to be concerned. Good luck. :)'

.....
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I wonder if you realize that the law exempts children of any age from car seats in cabs, buses, school buses, etc?

It's not totally a black and white safety issue. The law was written for convenience by the legislators so that there was no discretion involved for parents and tickets would be issued without any possibility of challenge, and so that commercial drivers would not be affected.

Is a car seat important? Yes. Do I use car seats? Yes. Is it necessary in every single possible driving situation (ie driving a child to school in a 30k zone?) That isn't clear.
 
Mess said:
I wonder if you realize that the law exempts children of any age from car seats in cabs, buses, school buses, etc?

It's not totally a black and white safety issue. The law was written for convenience by the legislators so that there was no discretion involved for parents and tickets would be issued without any possibility of challenge, and so that commercial drivers would not be affected.

Is a car seat important? Yes. Do I use car seats? Yes. Is it necessary in every single possible driving situation (ie driving a child to school in a 30k zone?) That isn't clear.
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If the child rides in that car regularly, of course they should have a car seat. If the child is riding in a car that belongs to the parent, they should be in a car seat or a booster.

Why can't the car seat just go with the kid?
 
And if they were leaving for school and he couldn't find the seat and drove two blocks at a moderate speed, it is not the end of the world. But of course the child reports to the mother "Daddy doesn't make us use a car seat".

My 6 year old would repeatedly tell me before bed that Momma doesn't make him brush his teeth. I'm sure that happened once; I don't call the CAS over it.

Of course you are right, a child should have a seat, and I believe I stated that in my post if you want to reread it. However the fact is, it is legislation written for a one-size-fits-all application.
 
OK, but facetiousness aside, once one parent has established that the other parent is, in fact, leaving eight-year-olds alone (which, granted, has not yet happened yet, clearly the OP is trying to think ahead just in case), the first step is to address it directly with the other parent as diplomatically as possible, but if that is unsuccessful, then as a last resort, it would not be inappropriate to call the CAS.
To be honest, I think it is always preferable to avoid involving outside authorities if at all possible, as the kids then have to witness conflict that should remain behind-the-scenes and about which they should not need to concern themselves, but if all other avenues have been pursued, there are some issues that can't simply be dropped, simply because parent A doesn't want to call CAS on parent B. Hopefully it will not come to that in this case.
 
Safety issues should be treated seriously.

My comments on the Durham CAS guidelines: they are a little unrealisitc. Most 12 year olds I know are more than capable of staying home all day. The babysitting course is for children 11 years and older, not 12.

Each case is individual and should depend on the child's maturity level and ability to handle situations. Most 12 year old children could manage to take care of themselves quite well for a full day.

When the teachers were on strike a few years ago, the news addressed this issue frequently. Children 10 years of age are allowed to watch siblings for the day. Only one of my kids would have been able to do this at 10. There are no specific laws.

When my husbands ex let her new partner drive the kids around without seatbelts, let alone car seats, the CAS said it is a police issue and the police could not charge him without witnessing the situation. We did not return the kids after access as we felt their lives were in danger.

She filed an emergency motion to have them returned to her care. Kids were not allowed to be driven by this loser until she took vehicle to police station and showed that they had seatbelts installed and tether latches.

This has not proved well for her in court cases since then, as it has directly shown her poor parenting decisions. She actually put in writing: what's the big deal--it is only around the block. they don't need seatbelts for a short trip.
 
Thank you for the posts. That is what I was thinking - not a daddy vs mommy issue but rather a safety issue and I should be concerned, especially with the carseats. I am 100% sure that the kids are no longer in the car seats when with him - the booster seats were at the house the other weekend when he was out of town with them.
I am actually terrified to confront him on these issues in any manner, even through email. The seperation is recent (3 months), almost every time I have tried to touch base, even to ask simple things like "is there any essentials I need to pick up before coming home for my time with the kids" I get the brunt end of ranting and accusations. He is already accusing me of trying to keep the kids away from him and gain full custody (we are on a 50/50 schedule right now) and refusing to go to mediation because of it. He was in an accident after seperation during his time with the kids. I dropped everything and came home to take care of them during his hospitalization. When he was released, he demanded that he should get 10 days in a row with the kids because he should be in his own house to recover even though he could not take care of them on his own and would have his mother staying with him, doing the driving and basic care of the kids. During his hospitalization and recovery afterwards, I drove 150km round trip to bring the kids for visits, pulling them out of school and missing work. I ensured they spent time with him 7 out of the 10 days (the other 3 days, they did not see him because he did not want it that day) I asked that I had a day or two to think and talk to my lawyer before responding. He showed up at the house within an hour and told the kids that Mom was leaving for 10 days. I told him that the primary care of our kids should be done by a parent, not a grand-parent and I wanted to be with the kids until he could care for them and I would ensure that they saw him every day if he wanted. I ended up fighting through my lawyer because this went against the previously agreed to custody arrangement but did ultimately meet him half way to be nice.
I guess that although I have a true safety concern for my children, my worry with confronting him is that I will get berated with accusations again, told that I am harrassing him. If I call the CAS, same thing or worse from him.
How do I get out of this mess in one piece? If I don't say anything, am I liable if god forbid something happens and I knew? I also have evidence that he may be suicidal etc.... Anyone gone through this type of landmine before and made it out on the other side intact? I don't want to prevent him from having 50% of parenting with the kids but I do want to ensure that my kids are safe.
 
Massive wall of text crits for over 9000...you die....

LMAO

Just be reasonable. Get a lawyer if you haven't already and put forward a reasonable motion to settle.

At 3 months the wounds are still fresh and he's probably heard all kinds of horror stories about Dad's getting rocked in family court. As long as he's not a danger to them, and you are willing to work with him to come to a fair and reasonable settlement, he'll come around.
 
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