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cic said:
Also, when she smoked she became stoned and it is hard to be with someone when they are stoned and you are not. I really liked her personality when she was straight. She was herself. She reminded me that she was straight when she was pregnant . Which is a good point. However during those years we where having a hard time anyway.I almost feel that she traded this marriage for pot but that may be going to far. I quit drinking why couldn't she quit pot. I never even once asked her to quit and always thought that she would on her own. She has said that she has wanted to quit for a long time and it is ironic that she will be using this breakup to achieve it ( so she says) She has also started losing weight which she gained during our time together. I know she was eating because she was unhappy but I was too self centered to do anything about it, I didn't know what to do or was afraid to. She just needed some love and I was too stubborn and stupid not to give it to her. That is a sad thing to realize. Hindsight is 20/20
A man being under the financial thumb of a woman is really a no win situation. I felt I couldn't do or say anything because she had the control. Not a good recipe for a marriage.
I suggested that she try us for a year straight and if she still didn't feel it would work then so be it. At least we would know that it wasn't the pot. She says she doesn't think it would make a difference. Perhaps not.
Maybe I should be honest with myself and accept that we just were not meant to be together. It is so hard to accept that that may be the case. I do love her. It is a whirlwind of emotion.
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Smoking pot is only a problem when it truly interferes with one's ability to function overall. Most pot smokers that I know today are not the hapless stereotypes featured in Cheech & Chong movies of the 70s and 80s. They include professionals such as lawyers, accountants, pastors, etc. And as long as their pot use doesn't relegate them to being locked to the couch listening to Pink Floyd and staring at the ceiling for days on end it shouldn't be a problem. Ditto with drinking - it only becomes a problem if it truly interferes with functioning in life.
 
Well I know it takes a while to kick in but I sure wish it would. My wife is away this weekend and all I want to do is cry. I can't because I have the kids and I am trying to keep a front. It is so hard to think that it will get better.
 
Thinking about the future and still not having seen a lawyer I was wondering about some of the financial aspects of this nightmare. The uncertainty is very hard to live with. She has a pension. Am I entitled to any of it? What is the process? I will see a lawyer, present him the facts and then what? He figures out what I should ask for and the bargaining begins? If no agreement can be made then Court?
 
Thinking about the future and still not having seen a lawyer I was wondering about some of the financial aspects of this nightmare. The uncertainty is very hard to live with. She has a pension. Am I entitled to any of it? What is the process? I will see a lawyer, present him the facts and then what? He figures out what I should ask for and the bargaining begins? If no agreement can be made then Court?
 
I just found some notes sitting on a desk rather carelessly left for me to discover. It is obvious notes from her lawyer to her on things to do. Mortgage-both names
life ins beneficiary-alternate to _____(me)
Pensions-alternate to ___(me)
List accounts
List envelope of paintings /artwork appraised at conservative values
special requests-of belongs to family members
-raising children
She has a meeting with her lawyer Thurs afternoon.

I am in pain beyond belief.

I don't want this to happen.
 
cic said:
I just found some notes sitting on a desk rather carelessly left for me to discover. It is obvious notes from her lawyer to her on things to do. Mortgage-both names
life ins beneficiary-alternate to _____(me)
Pensions-alternate to ___(me)
List accounts
List envelope of paintings /artwork appraised at conservative values
special requests-of belongs to family members
-raising children
She has a meeting with her lawyer Thurs afternoon.

I am in pain beyond belief.

I don't want this to happen.
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it looks like she wanted you to find it. I know you do not want it to happen but she does. You cannot force her to stay with you so there is no sense in dragging it out. You will be on a crazy ride for a while but it does get better. Other people on the board have been through it and are here to support you and answer any questions then can. When you need a shoulder to cry on, we are here for you. Take it one day at a time and remember to pick your battles. Making everything a fight in order to prolong it doesn't do you, her or the kids any good.
 
It is more painful than anything.... but you need to push your hurt aside and focus on your kids and on your future!

Your STBX is already making her preparations to end the relationship. You need to come to terms with the fact that your marriage may be over and try to protect yourself.

Make your own copies of her pertinent documents, financial information and take an inventory of your valuables.

Write down your custody and access plans.

I know your are hurting, but getting ready now will save you a boatload of more pain later!
 
thank-you
I was thinking of calling some kind of crisis line because I think I'm having some kind of a nervous breakdown. Your words of support help. I feel very alone and cant tell anyone because nobody knows. I know we will have to sit down with the kids at some time and I am dreading that. I am finding it so hard to stay together. They will be up soon and I will have to put up a front.
 
I dont know what my custody and access plan is. I hadn't thought about it. I think my wife wants custody by the note where it says "special requests- Raising children"
So what will that mean? I am forced to move to some seedy apartment and get to see them every second Sunday? I need to see a lawyer asap and will try to see one before my wife sees hers on Thursday.

I took some solace in copying her income tax statements and various other documents. Is there any specific documents I should concentrate on? I know she has some stock but can not find anything anywhere about it. My only solace this wknd has been to copy this stuff. I guess part of me is starting to look out for myself. Should I copy visa bills to show where a lot of the money goes?
Does it always get nasty? I think it could get very mean spirited very easily and this is something I will try to avoid. I went through it twice as a child and I know that is one reason I am so sad. I didn't ever want to put my kids through it. I guess that is the lesson I learned as a child.
your words are very helpful-thank you
 
it is hard to say what she means by special requests. Any guess would be speculation and that is no good. Concentrate on any financial documents, like back accounts, loans, investments, I would copy the visa bills because you never know what may come in handy later. JUst copy everything and everything because this may be the only chance you get to do it.

Make a list of what you want in regards to property, custody of the kids etc so when you meet with your lawyer you have some idea of how you want to proceed.

It can get nasty that is why you pick your battles. Be willing to give and take.
 
It can be very helpful to find a support group - then you can see what others have been through, how they survived, plus get some informal (and free!) legal advice. At this point it sounds like you have not yet thought too much about custody/access issues .... you may be in for a very rude shock there. If you are in Toronto, there is a group that meets on Weds evenings. I'd STRONGLY suggest you go - these are good guys (moaners trying to avoid paying more child support when they make more $$ are not tolerated) - and many are very knowledgeable in the legal aspects. Self education is VERY important. These guys will want to help you. Interested?
 
I would go but live 3 hours away and wasn't planning on going to TO until next fall. Thanks for the tip though . It all really helps to know that there are people out there like everyone who has contributed to this thread.

i guess I have to face reality. My wife just got home and I asked her if she was sure and she said yes. This is very hard top accept but i guess I have to try.
I will try to learn as much as i can about this whole process so i wont be too shocked or hurt when the $#*% really hits the fan.
Thanks
 
cic said:
Thinking about the future and still not having seen a lawyer I was wondering about some of the financial aspects of this nightmare. The uncertainty is very hard to live with. She has a pension. Am I entitled to any of it? What is the process? I will see a lawyer, present him the facts and then what? He figures out what I should ask for and the bargaining begins? If no agreement can be made then Court?
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Yes, you get half of her pension, half of her RRSP's, half of her bank balances, half of her stock portfolio (basically half of ALL her assets) and of course half of the matrimonial home. You also get half of all her debts.

Have you been served with divorce papers?
 
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I just came back from a walk with her and had another emotional talk. I asked what she thought was going to happen and she said that she didn't know and that we should just take it slowly. Then I said what is going to happen,do we get mediators or lawyers or what? She said no we should just take our time and see if we can handle living together until the planned changes next fall with my daughter going to private school and me going to school as well in TO. She lied to me because from the note I found I know she has an appointment with a lawyer this Thursday. Strangely it was comforting and made me more wary than sad. I'm still sad but now I really know that I have to protect myself. I still don't know what I want to do but will be trying to figure it out over the next few days. Knowing that I will be financially ok is a small comfort. I think I have to prepare myself for changes that may happen sooner than later. I don't want to do anything that would take support away from the kids and I will try to keep them as protected from hurt as much as I can.
I read some of the other threads and can see that this is one of the most devastating events that can occur in ones life. Horrible as I feel I am comforted to know that I am not alone and that others have come through this and survived. The support from this forum so far has been so helpful and I thank you so much for it. Trial by fire.
 
If she is seeing a lawyer this Thursday she will most likely file for divorce and have them served on you sooner rather than later. What she is most likely referring to by "next Fall" is the divorce being finalized (it takes 1 year for any divorce to be finalized), and assets and debts divided.

You will need to gather your finances in the next week or two - your lawyer will need a retainer usually between $3.500 to $5,000 to handle your case. If you don't have the funds sell whatever you have to come up with a retainer. Don't drag your feet on that one - a lawyer will help see you through this.
 
I may be niave but I think she wants me to stay arouind for this school term for the kids sake. It would make her life very difficult if I wasnt around to help out. Then again I could be wrong. It seems to me though that as soon as lawyers are brought in all hell breaks lose and off come the gloves. Is that typically the case? She has said that we would see if we can manage but she could be buying time. I just don't know. It is now a matter of trust and I suppose I should be cautious. If she files for divorce does that mean I have to do anything right away? Knowing that she wants one, is the serving of the paper just a formality? I hired( in a panic) the "family law centre" for 429. and was given the names of two lawyers where I live and will have a free consultation with each of them and then decide which one to hire. Does that sound good? The woman scared the hell out of me and said I should copy everything before my wife removes them from the house. It just seemed so agrressive! Is it going to come to that? So far she has been firm but compassionate. Am I stupid to trust her a least a bit??
 
cic said:
I may be niave but I think she wants me to stay arouind for this school term for the kids sake. It would make her life very difficult if I wasnt around to help out. Then again I could be wrong. It seems to me though that as soon as lawyers are brought in all hell breaks lose and off come the gloves. Is that typically the case? She has said that we would see if we can manage but she could be buying time. I just don't know. It is now a matter of trust and I suppose I should be cautious. If she files for divorce does that mean I have to do anything right away? Knowing that she wants one, is the serving of the paper just a formality? I hired( in a panic) the "family law centre" for 429. and was given the names of two lawyers where I live and will have a free consultation with each of them and then decide which one to hire. Does that sound good? The woman scared the hell out of me and said I should copy everything before my wife removes them from the house. It just seemed so agrressive! Is it going to come to that? So far she has been firm but compassionate. Am I stupid to trust her a least a bit??
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well lawyers like to drag things out because that means more money in their pockets. Maybe she honestly wants to go slowly as not to disrupt the kids too much. It is a good idea not to jump at the first lawyer you see. You have to feel comfortable and make sure that you "fit" with the lawyer you choose. Only your wife knows if she is actually wanting to take things slow or make sure you do not have a chance to get your ducks in a row for the divorce.

Whatever you do DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING until you have a chance to really think about it. So many times people sign something relying on something the other party said verbally only to have the person deny it later. Any agreements etc should be made in writing, not verbal.
 
It is so hard to keep a front of normalcy when so much hell is swirling inside. I cant imagine it getting any easier living this way. Everything is business as usual. I am living in a nightmare. Has anyone else done this? Lived like everything is ok for the sake of the kids? I don't think it's healthy. I want to quit my part time jobs and obligations and crawl under a rock. Seeing people in public is horrible becuase you have to act normal. I am seeing my therapist tomorrow and wish I could tak to him every hour! Even writing this has helped! I know when I have had a chance to talk to a lawyer it will be the start of a disgusting journey but I guess t has to start so it can finish. All the uncertainty is brutal.
 
Well today was just slightly better. Sorry for posting all the emotional stuff on the "financial section" I guess this is my book.
I will be having a telephone consultation with a lawyer tomorrow and kind of dread it. I just asked my wife "whats the hurry"? maybe we should wait until after I go away to school in 9 months and the kids to boarding school. Funny to say that after re-reading my last post, eh? It would be alot cheaper for my wife and would take away the strain of divorce from everyone. I know I am in denial but the thought seemed like a good one at the time.

Financial question- if I get half her pension does that mean I take half of what is in it now or half of what is paid out at retirement? If she wanted to keep her pension intact could she just pay me what the half would be if she could come up with that amount by taking out a loan?
 
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