So...what will happen if

Status
Not open for further replies.
May_May

May_May

New member
Background if u don't know...

Married 15 years. Have been out of the marital house for almost 1.5 years. I made a huge mistake by moving out, as my ex husband had said he would buy me out of the house and I trusted him. Still not a dime to show. It is our house -we bought it together, both our names are on it. Mortgage still in both our names. We share our children 50/50...

He will not split any of the assets in the house (will not let me have anything). My lawyer is incredibly slow due to workload, and I'm getting incredibly frustrated. When I wanted my clothes, she sent a note to his lawyer asking permission for me to go into the house with a witness/police. I find this ridiculous as it's my house...as a result I still haven't picked these up as I do not want to impose on any of my family/friends to be in this situation, and can't imagine the embarassment for our children if there are police at the door while I remove my goods. I have lots of pre-marital assets in the house (art, furniture, etc...). I will be taking him to court as he feels "I deserve nothing, and he's not going to give me anything"...Even though I've earned more than him the entire duration of our marriage, and supported him while he was unemployed.

What happens if I go into the house with my key, and just take these now without communication going to confirm date/time and without a witness ? He won't agree to anything ! I wanted a $40 plastic table from the garage for an Easter get together and he wouldn't give it to me (regardless of 2 other real dining tables in the house)... There is no more respect to be lost for this man...I just want to know if I could end up with charges or in jail. I've been playing by the 'book' so to speak, and it's not getting me anywhere...

Thanks...
 
the guy is being an ass not letting you have your personal effects. If you do go to the house, take a witness so you have proof of what you took.

Are you sure he hasnt changed the locks??
 
Unfortunately, I think you have to send him a courtesy notice that you will be going into the house to remove your personal effects, because he resides in the house and you don't. But you don't need to ask his permission to take anything unless the items are joint property. If you don't want the kids to see, do it during school hours, but it is a good idea to have an impeccable witness (ie, police) with you, to assist with the appearance of trustworthiness. Have a friend record you as you pack your things, and narrate why each item is not joint property as you go. Then you also have a record of what you took that can be referred to if he argues later.

I'd go one step further and say you could probably even take non-emotionally invested joint items, like one of the two dining tables, and just record a value for them to be used later in the equalization. But that could promote conflict.

Do it soon, too. The longer you wait, the more likely it will be that he's sold your stuff on kijiji.

If you can't get through to ask your lawyer, ask the police if they would lay charges in such a situation.
 
Key locks haven't been changed...he has been told he cannot lock me out by his lawyer, and I told him I could break a window to get in if I wanted, as technically it's still my house.
Rioe-I agree completely about splitting duplicate items...not to mention my own items. But he has said he will give me nothing ... his quote " You deserve nothing...".
What I want to know/ask around and see if anyone knows/has experience with what will happen if I go in (with or without a witness), take my stuff during school hours so the kids won't be there (and also when they are with me for during that week so they won't have to listen to dad freak out), without going through lawyers for his approval ?
 
My lawyer has told me I can't....but not sure if that's just because she gets paid more when I have to go through her for communication.
 
Oh May_May, you must have wanted out so bad to just leave like that. Who would think that someone once trusted could be so "the extreme opposite?"

Seems like what you want is so simple, yet he's making it so difficult. I don't know what twisted pleasure some people derive out of being so unkind.

True what Rioe said re: changed locks and kijiji sale. I can't imagine that you don't have every right to gain access into the home, and to retrieve personal belongings. I know that time flies when we're having fun (j/k) - but why has this much time passed??
 
I do know that our men and women in blue will/do oversee these matters if one of the party has charges against him/her - but I'm inclined to doubt they would get in the middle of supervising this undertaking in the absence of previous charges betwn the parties.

MM; do you know any cops that you could ask off the record, what their policy is, on this? Or anyone who knows a cop that can ask for you?
 
Police are trained in "keeping the peace" and I would not hesitate to ask for their assistance. Have the police call him and arrange a time for you to go and get your personal belongings. If you have a decent lawyer there should be an order in place that forbids either parties from disposing of marital property. If you don't have that order then get one asap. Of course you should have a witness and document everything carefully. Don't let the police blow you off because it is a civil matter. You pay taxes and your name is on the title of the house. Police know your ex would have to get order for exclusive use of home, etc.

Good luck.... you're right to be intimidated as it wouldn't be hard for your ex to set you up for some bogus charges.
 
access to home

access to home

Sorry you had to leave under those circumstances. I believe you must have a police escort otherwise you are trespassing even though your name is on the mortgage. Unfortunately, he has posession and if you go in without his knowledge, there could be trouble. Just my thoughts
 
My bf's ex moved out of the house for months then sent him notice that she was moving back in. He couldn't stop her - it was her house too. Turned out she was only back for a short time, thankfull,y so he moved out while she was there. They went through and split belongings but she removed items while he was not there (big screen tv, etc). His lawyer told him he couldn't really do much about it. Possession is 9/10 of the law and it would cost more to get it back then they were worth.

I'd send him a letter and tell him you'll be by to pick up your stuff. Give him a date and time. Call the police and let them know you need an escort. Send the kids to a friend's place then go get your stuff!!!! Don't let him bully you any longer.

Bet of luck.
 
Hi May-May,
Edit - I should have told you that my visit - I took what I wanted to take - I had to go Saturday to get the wraps I need to take care of my legs - I couldn't take it anymore - but I took many items that would make my life a bit easier, happier - but I am in a motel..... no room for the world!! I am just trying to live. - End edit

I just went thru this last Saturday. My kids had been doing it for me bit by bit as things came up but the Ex I believe began her pressure games - so I told them it is ok. how did it go?

Yes I do have a court order, rules here is you get basics, personal hygene, very personal items that are unquestionably yours is not on the list sadly. Your clothes are. Here is the key - it is up to the police officer, they have huge discression on what goes, what doesn't. You can ask for a female constable if this makes you more comfortable. They usually use the police on duty where your house is located.

You can't just go in the house and remove items - you will go to jail for theft. You will make sure he is home, you will say nothing, you will go to the police station and bring all the paperwork you have and they will give you the escort. You are low on the priority so you will wait until they can have a free constable and you will be told to go to the house and you will wait in your car untill the officer arrives. You will have a chance to explain your plight to this officer and it will be best if you have a list of everything you want to give to the officer, another for your ex and a third for you to use. The officer will give you a heads up of what will fly and what will not.

They are not about you bringing in a 26 foot truck and "loading it" but if you did have a few friends to help this will be greatly to your advantage (you cam be the boss lady and they will be your little workers - this will allow you to remove as much as you can in as short of time as possible. So you are at the police station, they will agree there to send you a car (if they decline your request - you are within your rights to speak with the staff sargent working at that time - this person is the top cop at the station). They will place the call for you to your ex and it will not be a request - they will be informing him that you will be on your way and a police officer will attend.

From your list - most important first, most "valuable" second and you go to work, you go to work as fast as you can and get the stuff onto the driveway at least - keep on going for as long as the officer will take. (here policy is 10 min I do not move fast for some reason ;-) but the officer said to me that - sorry for me they sent two because of the issues between us...... I was in the house for 40 min, I was in the basement, she watched me the whole time, I put the boxes on the floor and said, "If you wish you can look at what ever is there". She declined and the two officers picked up my boxes and put them in my car for me.

You can go to the police station ahead of time and confirm what they will do for you but you will not know which officer will come so you will never be sure until right then, at the house, what that particular officer will allow - you need to just be ready for it all and (the more helpers you have the better since you will be in a race for time. Also I would not worry if your children are there regardless of their ages, they are smart and have figured out tons already - they will actually think this is good for mommy too. Your ex will be an angel with the police there - this is why you must have the police and you need to emphasize this when you make your request at the beginning (Be frank and truthful about your situation, threats, whatever makes you afraid...... this is the main reason for the police to attend.

Your only other alternative is to show up one day and move back into your own house as you do have the right to live there too.

Your lawyer - my lawyer, right from the get go said to me, "you are out, she is in - she has possession of it all - my 13.1 reflects this. What we negotiate is in the future but today it is all hers. My lawyers advice - my hours will cost you much more than what your stuff is worth if it gets to be a battle. You can spend $500 for your lawyer to draft a letter for your ex to laugh at it and tear it up. You have very little in the way of rights or bargaining power - especially bargaining power..... you do not have any!

So in a way you have the choice to move in (maybe invite a body guard to stay with you???) Once you are in you begin to have rights again with your belongings. Or you do the best you can with a police escort, get as much as you can as quick as you can (as long as the officer will allow you). What may help you is my last piece which I do not think I posted last week - after the ex closed the door the two officers said a few things, made a few observations, and they really felt for my cause and I didn't even fill them in except for the why - which for me was she chased and cornered me, removing my chance to get out and when I refused to fall for it she went nuts. What they said to me actually ment something because they figured things out real quick and they were definately NOT on her side in all of this.....

Sorry - long post - hope you can get the courage and just do it - do the best you can. You will feel better once it is all done.
 
Last edited:
Reasonable sound advice - particularly the point the lawyer made about cost of fighting over stuff. I agree - make good use of the police department especially if you have paperwork.

Good luck
 
Hi May-May - I totally understand your frustration, waited years for my belongings. The major irritant was stuff I was sentimentally attached to, the rest was part of 13.1 and had a value attached. In the end, it was all worth it to see the Judge cream the ex and ex's lawyer for holding my stuff hostage. I had put a long list of items in my brief for the Judge to see. After the telling off by the J., ex told me to come and pick up my personal belongings. I gave up on "material stuff" (tables etc), just agreed to the pitiful money value ex gave them, in order to move things along. And I already had set up house after all that time (thank you craigslist and kijiji). When you look at the money spent on lawyers to get to that point, it was simply ridiculous. Not to mention the time spent compiling the list.
In conclusion, May-May, DO NOT go in to get your stuff, patience patience. I understand your reluctance to go in with the police, I wouldn't either. It's all about his control over you, let it roll off your skin. I know money is tight, freedom does have a price... but it does get better! Hang in there, remember it's a legal game you are playing.
 
When my ex and I seperated, she wouldn't even let me have clothes for the kid from the home. Had to buy all new stuff.

Why are people so mean?
 
wretchedotis said:
When my ex and I seperated, she wouldn't even let me have clothes for the kid from the home. Had to buy all new stuff.

Why are people so mean?
Click to expand...
they take emotions off the deep end regarding anger, hurt, revenge and stuff like that. They are so focused on the emotions that they cannot see how their actions are affecting other people, even their kids. All that matters to them is what they feel.
 
CSAngel said:
I'd send him a letter and tell him you'll be by to pick up your stuff. Give him a date and time. Call the police and let them know you need an escort. Send the kids to a friend's place then go get your stuff!!!! Don't let him bully you any longer.
Click to expand...

I did this. I sent him a letter telling him what I wanted, told him it would be easier if he just got it ready for me if he didn't want me rooting around the house for stuff. If he sells anything, he owes you money for it. I believe it's something like 60% of the purchase cost of an item. He CAN NOT do what he is doing. Especially since the house is yours as well. My ex didn't want police involved so he just got it all ready for me.
You can't let him bully you. Take the reigns back and be pushy. Plan your attack, get police on standby, let him know what is about to happen and do it!

This post is making me relive my experience and I'm getting angry for you. What a total dick he is!!
 
"Withholding Behavior" is typically all about Power and Control. Either feeling too entitled to it - or just the opposite, feeling a total lack of it thereby resulting in the bizarre behavior pattern.

My ex took a truck-load of things from the home. Then lied to everyone (and on all court docs) that he left "with nothing." Go figure. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top