Shared custody to Sole custody

[Femme]

Currently my ex has filed to take me to court for "sole custody" and "shared custody" as his back up.

The status quo for the last 8 months has been our daughter living with me, and him having access every other weekend and one evening on the off weekend.

I have been warned that if I were to agree to "shared custody" with my ex, that there is a very good chance, he would just use it to take me back to court to attain "sole custody"

Does anyone know how often this happens, if judges actually do give over sole custody in situations like this?

 

[Mess]

You need a material change in circumstance to reopen. A change could be moving closer or changing jobs so there is more time available with the child. It has to be related to the original decision.

If so, your ex could reopen no matter what you do now. If not, he can't. The fact that there is a change that allows custody to be reopened does not mean it likely to succeed, that is a separate argument.

The decision made if reopened would be whatever is in the best interest of the child, based on his arguments and your arguments.

If a child is thriving in the existing circumstance, it is unlikely to be changed. He would have to point some problem, and explain how things would be better.

No situation is perfect, so there are always problems to point out. Judges aren't idiots, custody won't change over trivial circumstance.

Children are generally happier feeling they have two parents who care about them, and when they can care back. Most children would say they would prefer to spend time equally with both parents, if there is no abuse or fighting or personality disorders involved.

If you went with shared custody, that would be the status quo, and if the children are happy, it would be nearly impossible to change.

 

[karmaseeker]

I have been warned that if I were to agree to "shared custody" with my ex, that there is a very good chance, he would just use it to take me back to court to attain "sole custody"

Warned by whom?

If you can settle on a shared custody arrangement that would be in the best interest of the children. You are equally parents with equal right for access and equal responsibility.

IMHO

 

[iceberg]

In the other post you said you do not wanna give shared custody to your ex because according to you he works 4 jobs from like nearly 20 hours per day. Now you say you are scared he will gain sole custody.

Which is it?

 

[Femme]

Warned by whom?

If you can settle on a shared custody arrangement that would be in the best interest of the children. You are equally parents with equal right for access and equal responsibility.

IMHO

I was warned by my lawer that my ex's ulterior motive in all of this could be to get sole--the more time he gets/the more he can use it against me. (Unfortunately that is his character)

This is why I want a new lawyer--My lawyer didn't give me this warning, until after I had told her I would discuss shared custody/she had already talked to his lawyer, saying it was open for discussion, then my lawyer phones me back and gives me that warning--why wouldn't she have warned me of that from the beginning?

However, it is just a discussion, and hopefully it will get us talking...but it sounds like it may just be the lawyers discussing it.

That's another problem--My ex won't talk to me, everything has to be done by e-mail, and all my e-mails go to his lawyer. They refuse to do mediation. It's preventing us from actually compromising on extra access/a schedule that could work for everyone.

 

[Femme]

In the other post you said you do not wanna give shared custody to your ex because according to you he works 4 jobs from like nearly 20 hours per day. Now you say you are scared he will gain sole custody.

Which is it?

There are many issues involved iceberg. One issue would make things too simple, you should know that! Almost everyone has more than one issue involved.

Issues involved in my situation are obviously my ex's long work hours (I don't want our daughter to be cared for by someone else for over 12 hour time periods, when she is supposed to be "in his care")

I can't trust his intentions(Will he use "shared" to his advantage to try and get "sole") That is his ultimate goal, that's what he's going for in court "sole" and "shared" as back up.
When we were having our marriage problems, and I told him I wanted out of the marriage. He threatened me immediately "If you leave, I will get sole custody, put her in daycare, and you will get supervised visits"
I tried to talk to him about shared custody at that point, he kept refusing.

A couple days later, he gave me an eviction notice he had made up himself. He told me I had to leave and leave our daughter with him.

A couple days after that, him and his parents made an appointment with a lawyer. He told me that I was to go to that appointment, let him dictate whatever he wanted and agree to it.

That's when I left with our daughter. That's why him and his parents are so furious--they thought they were in total control/could bully me in to something.

There was a lot of control and isolation towards our daughter and I by him. Our daughter is an only child. She is behind developmentally, I believe a large part of it had to do with his isolation--He wouldn't allow her to interact with other children/ I asked to put her in daycare a couple days a week to get that child interaction, he refused. He refused to do any family/children oritented activities with us. If he was home--he spent the entire time on his computer. He told me that I needed to call his cell phone, while he was at work and ask his permission to go out during the day with our daughter. Crazyness!

Our daughter was almost 3 when I left with her. She said 9 words at that time. Now she has a wide vocabulary and is speaking in sentences! (I referred her for speech therapy a year ago, she had been on the wait list all this time, she finally begins soon--although she may not need it now, as she has progressed so well on our own--because we're not isolated by him anymore!!! She attends daycare for 5 hour periods while I work, we do all kinds of activities together/that he wouldn't allow us to)

Children's aid showed up at my door one day. He had called them and made all kinds of lies up. The children's aid worker closed the case on her first visit with me---It was easy to see he had lied.

So our daughter's speech as caught up, but she's still not potty trained at 3 and a half years old. I get her to the point of going on the toilet, then she has her 4 day weekend visit with him, she comes home wearing a diaper and refuses to go on the toilet. I ask her "did you use the toilet at dad's?" She says "No, Dad just changes bum"

And he's insisting on having her start jr. kindergarten this September. I want her potty trained before starting school.

I've e-mailed him my concerns with this, asking him to stop putting her in diapers, keep the potty training routine up. I get no response from him regarding it.

With those issues...I don't know if "shared" custody, is in our daughter's best interest!

 

[Rioe]

So our daughter's speech as caught up, but she's still not potty trained at 3 and a half years old. I get her to the point of going on the toilet, then she has her 4 day weekend visit with him, she comes home wearing a diaper and refuses to go on the toilet. I ask her "did you use the toilet at dad's?" She says "No, Dad just changes bum"

And he's insisting on having her start jr. kindergarten this September. I want her potty trained before starting school.

I've e-mailed him my concerns with this, asking him to stop putting her in diapers, keep the potty training routine up. I get no response from him regarding it.

In response to this, a school is not going to let her attend JK if she's not fully toilet trained. And without consistency at both parents' houses for training, it's going to be much harder for her to master. Maybe there's a way you can tactfully point out to him that he can't have it both ways.