question of financial obligations

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getmethehellout

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I am married to a man who has not worked for 6 or 7 years and who has contributed very little if anything to the household expenses. Because of this I have become responsible for family debts of $50,000 and during the past 4-5 years incurred about another $5000 trying to juggle the mess. I am the only one with a full time job, earning about $100K but under the circumstances have nothing to show for it. 5-6 years ago this man had health issues, but is totally capable of contributing 'something' financially. But he does not feel threatened at all. Guess he is after my pension and support, if and when I leave.

Q. will I have to actually support this deadbeat of a person if I file for divorce? or will a judge have some mercy and look at who has contributed what to the marriage over the years, then look at the debts to be paid, and call this man responsible for something?

what direction might this take? Can anyone offer me some advice?
 
What was he earning before he stopped? What kind of assets are you looking at?

First, cut all extras out. (cable, long distance, etc). Buy the groceries and buy only things YOU like and he doesn't. Freeze any joint lines of credit, credit cards, etc.

How long were you married for?
 
I can't imagine how you are making 100k and can't live as a two person family without racking up more and more debt every year.

If your husband is racking up the debt, you should have cut him off years ago. If you didn't, you have some responsibility for your lifestyle.

Do you have any assets, marital home etc? The amount of debt built up will be deducted from any accumulation of assets during the marriage. You will then split the remainder, if any.

If you allowed the debt to accumulate in your name, you are responsible for it. If it is in his name, he is responsible. But the amount of debt will be included in the net financial property calculations.

There are many many many families where the woman didn't work and husband supported her. My mum and dad for example. You are one of the low percentage where the genders were reversed. The law isn't written for you, it is written for everyone.
 
Im sorry, I do apologize for calling my significant other a deadbeat. But what do you call him then? I am a very kind person generally speaking. He made in the range of $60K/yr. for a few yrs only. for many of the near 30 years, I have been the workhorse. He was always injured or ill, lol, yeah.

Seems you've answered my question somewhat. Should have left a long time ago.

And people, BTW making $100K - takehome is less than 50%, when you utilities run in the average of 12000/yr, food in the range of $4000/yr, cars, and just day to day expenses. what can I say. I have bought very little for myself over this period of time.

No assets left at all.

signing off, not living high off the hog, live in Toronto,very expensive here, I guess. (not much different than any other place in Ont, to my knowledge)

I welcome any other commentary on the matter.
 
I live in Toronto and I'm supporting 2 kids on a fraction of that. You should be able to manage your money and lifestyle better and afford to pay down your debts and pay any support you owe. If you can't, it isn't a problem with the law, it's a problem with your lifestyle.
 
getmethehellout said:
And people, BTW making $100K - takehome is less than 50%, when you utilities run in the average of 12000/yr, food in the range of $4000/yr, cars, and just day to day expenses. what can I say.
Click to expand...

How on earth are you spending $12,000 on utilities!?! (mine are $2,500 for small detached house in Toronto for gas-electricity-water/waste). Maybe I could push it to $3,500 if I wasn't so stingy.
 
I prepare 1,000 personal tax returns per year and I also live in Toronto.

I can tell you with certainty that gas, hydro and water bills in this city average out to $4,000/year depending on how energy conscious you are.

I also spend $4,000 a year for my home phone, cell phone, home internet and television.

So I am at $8,000 for my utlities and that includes some extras on my TV service (HD channels, MLB package) as well as cell phone that is used primarily for business purposes.

I agree with the OP's. Yours is a lifestyle question.

Many many people support a family on much smaller incomes than yours. I saw a few of them in my office yesterday and trust me, given the number of tax returns that I see, I know what's going on out there.

You are experiencing what most of us experience. We live to and sometimes a little beyond our means. It's like the old saying, "Nature fills a vacuum". It's just that your vacuum is bigger than most folks.

You probably have two cars, nice furniture, a big house, eat well, maybe in restaurants, have your kids in gymnastics or some other costly activity, whatever. There are people out there that take public transit, don't eat in restaurants, put their kids in city run sports activities and rent an apartment.

A little friendly advice is in order here. Most people don't make as much as you do. Some of those people may not be sympathetic to your situation.

It seems like your major gripe is that he isn't as motivated as you would like him to be and hasn't contributed to the financial well being of your family. That's fine, you're allowed to have an opinion on that. Rightly or wrongly, that has grown to resentment or you wouldn't have called him a deadbeat. What should you have called him then? Something more respectful than a deadbeat, even if that is what he is.

You are almost certainly going to be on the hook for SS, and it will likely be for a long time, maybe life. He is definitely going to participate in your pension as part of division of family property. Your intution is correct that you should have left the marriage a long time ago if this is only about money. Is this just about money? I bet there is much more to it than that. By staying in the marriage you gave your implied consent to an arrangement that is going to cost you big time to get out of.

You seem to have a good sense of how this is going to play out. If you haven't already, you should prepare your financial statement and do all the math to figure out what your equalization payment to him will be as well get some good counsel on your SS obligation.

Go see a lawyer for a free consultation. The first thing the lawyer will give you is the Form 13 to be filled out. Better still fill it out to the best of your ability before seeing the lawyer and bring it in with you.
 
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DadtotheEnd
Thanks for your candidness. You just may be right about being taken now for everything, only the pension, and yes, I am paying off the family debt because I feel obligated to to so, not like my partner, who feels that he is not responsible for anything.
Anyway, yes, about the utilities, BTW I have grown children living with us, who too have gone through their own trials in the past few years, hydro is $400, Water $100, Phone $100, Gas $200, Cable $130 (cutback). So beg to differ....and also , not a big house at all. House Ins. $100. Sorry, but had to defend on this.....Rent is $1400.

Like I've said, thanks for your advice. I do appreciate it.

In answer to your Q. - it is just about $$ and my sad realization after many years, that I've been taken. You say I consented to it all. Life and time goes by and when you're not a fighter and optimist...you hope for betterment and change. It did not happen. My eyes have been opened is all. Time to face the fact, I guess.

- going to see a lawyer and probably get the same drill, lol.

thanks again
 
He will end up participating in the debt you acquired via a reduced equalization payment. Even if you pay it off, it will still affect your settlement.

Again, you need to wrap your head around division of family property, the definition of net family property and the equalization payment. Expect to spend many hours researching this concept and many hours pulling together your financial statement.
 
I totally understand what you are saying... it doesn't matter how much income a family has, a person with that kind of selfish personality can blow it all without you even knowing.

Decide on a separation date and print out 2 copies of statements for EVERYTHING you have... credit cards, mortgage, RRSPs, car loan, bank/savings accounts.... everything! Print out ads from kijiji for similar vehicles for an estimate of their value around that date. This will make it much easier to divide everything in half. Close (or at least lock) any account that he can spend from or drain. That's not to say take it all and leave him penniless, but don't let him rack up a bunch of new debt when he finds out it's over.

I was married to one of these for far too long, and have recovered quite nicely. She's still a wild spender with creditors calling and crazy debts and I've paid all of mine off. Yes, it's set you back and you'll never fully recover to the point you might have been had you not had to support this fine person, but you will always be the person you are, and he will always be the person he is. Ya can't go back and change it so best to make the best of the situation as it is now. There is hope!
 
Thanks Deputy Dad.
For your words of encouragement. Inspiration and hope.

I am looking forward to a day when I am only responsible for myself. And myself alone.
 
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