Purchase of Snow Suits in Equal parenting

B

Brampton33

New member
Its that time of year again....winter and cold!

I am sure this has been posted ad nauseum however will start a new post as I cannot seem to find the info buried on the site.

I have my 2 kids 50/50 and pay offset CS. Kids are still fairly young. Every year it is a battle with my ex about who buys the winter suits, boots, tuques, mitts and what-have-you. This is stuff that we cannot (or should not) need duplicates, such as snowsuits and boots.

Needless to say it always falls on my shoulders as I cave and just go out and buy the stuff as in the end its about the kids being properly dressed for the weather. It is getting pretty tiresome this game with my ex. My lawyer says to simply hang onto the receipts if ever needed. My ex is the type to cry that she is the "primary parent" yet I am the one who takes them to all appointments, clothe them, sign up for extra curricular, you-name-it.

What is even more tiresome is that often stuff ends up at my ex's place only to never been seen again. I don't know how many times I had to buy replacement stuff (ie: mitts, umbrellas, neckwarmers) because my ex does not send kids back to school with the stuff, or claims to have lost them. It adds up money-wise when you buy things 3-4 times per season. And to be honest, its almost like my ex is doing it on purpose to be difficult.

Any advice?
 
this seems like something is a big time pain in the ass and i am sure there is a tonne of other petty childlike behaviour that you have to put up with

unfortunately, if you do not have a parenting coordinator already in place, there is no way to deal with this matter outside of court

i will coordinate my final agreement so all that petty shit is ironed out.

at the end of the day, your kids will realize their mom is petty and dad was the one that did all of this with us

if it veers off into moms behavior being bat shit crazy enough to affect the kids...well then it is different
 
I would work with your children to find and return the items.
50% of the costs for boots, neckwarmers, umbrellas and mitts is not much. Annoying, but not a large cost.
 
Thanks for the insight.

Arguing over who pays this stuff is not the type of thing that is worthy of a court application.

Yes, definitely make sure to include all that stuff into your agreement. At the time of my proceedings, the level of cooperation was high from my ex. It was even agreeable and amicable. I never thought this type of garbage would arise.
I now realize that was all because we were in the midst of litigation that she was on her best behaviour. Now that we are done with court, her true colours re-surfaced. Since we have 50/50, her behaviour has gotten even worse. Her behaviour is akin to child not getting their way and sulking, or a child being forced to share.

Its amazing because this is the person who "claimed" to love our children so much during the litigation. Now it is like she is more interested in being a pain to me, rather than focussing on the kids.
 
StillPaying said:
I would work with your children to find and return the items.
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We know where they are. They are being hoarded at my ex's. I send kids to school properly dressed for incliment weather. Rainboots and umbrellas on rainy days, and mitts/neckwarmers etc on cold days. Then my ex picks them up after school. On the next transition day she omits sending kids to school with said items, regardless if I might need them to send kids to school. Communications to ex to return items (as I will need them) go unanswered. So to ensure kids are properly dressed, I end up going to store and buying new items. This happens a few times per season.

StillPaying said:
50% of the costs for boots, neckwarmers, umbrellas and mitts is not much. Annoying, but not a large cost.
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Its 100% of costs. Since moving to 50/50 parenting, my ex has completely disengaged in shopping for any of the stuff that kids only need 1 of such as winter suits, boots, etc... Leaves it all on my shoulders to purchase. I keep all receipts, if ever needed.
 
Brampton33 said:
We know where they are. .... So to ensure kids are properly dressed, I end up going to store and buying new items.
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Your best bet is to work with your children. Teach them to leave items at school. Call them in the morning to remind them to bring their umbrella and leave it at school. Forgot - remind them again.

Its 100% of costs.
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Technically these items have already been paid for through offset support. Therefore, we split them 50/50 as opposed to by incomes. You're responsible for 50%, so whether your "child" loses them or not, your increased cost is 50%. Annoying, but not sending you to the poor house.
 
"I got to take you out shopping for winter clothes last year so this year it is mommies turn to shop with you and buy the right winter gear. If she doesn't get you those things I am not going to let you be cold. Tell me and you and I will buy you some winter gear. Does that sound OK?"

Tell your ex that your child will be asking about the winter clothes because you figure they want to do the shopping and ask her if that is a problem.

When she fails...well years from now the kid will remember who take care of them.
 
My husband was eow and his ex still asked for petty shit like dance tickets, school photos, $12 supplies for activities etc. Then the kids would make him take them shopping on his time where he spent hundreds on clothing for them. When they went to school she then nitpicked sharing costs of household goods, first class travel and take out.

Unfortunately when you deal with a petty person you have to either say no and put on your kevlar or grin and bear it. There is no medium, compromise or magic.
 
i do have a friend and they have in their agreement that back to school and appropriate seasonal gear alternates between years

but then her dingus ex will only buy one pair of school shoes in september and keep him going in same pair even if the kid grows..so its not perfect but it's something
 
I fall in the same category as OP. It is frustrating as heck, but kids are of the age where they recognize who is looking out for them and ensuring they are properly equipped for the seasons/weather.

I just hang onto receipts if ever needed. If ever my ex tries to pull back on parenting time and call herself the "primary" parent, I will be able to shut that down.
 
Just to add another perspective here. Gloves, hats, scarves, boots go missing with small children the same as socks disappear in the dryer never to be seen again. This is regardless if the child comes from a home where both parents live together, are separated or MIA. Your ex may be keeping these things behind, maybe not. If your ex were not in the picture many of these items would likely still go missing. What I learned to do over the years was to buy several pairs of the same colour gloves/mitts and throw them in my winter bin. That way if my child lost one glove I’d have spares. I also bought several pairs of gloves, mitts, hats on sale at the end of every season and that way stocked up for the following year. Boots also go on sale and I would buy a pair or two a year in advance.

Boots do go missing at school as well. One year I got a call from the school that my child’s brand new winter boots( worn for the first time that day) had gone missing during a daytime rendition of the Christmas concert( I was going to attend the evening one). Turns out one of the other parents had mistakenly taken my child’s boots. The teachers had to carry my child back to the school after the concert as it was in a different building and there was a foot of snow.

Moral of the story is that winter hats, gloves, scarves, boots and even snow pants do tend to go missing all the time.
 
One year my ex went ahead and purchased all the winter gear and spent close to $1800 on brand name stuff for 2 kids under 10.



Of course she asked for my % for those items.



After that every year I get the winter gear now. Kids and I do the shopping in early fall and it's all done. This year for both kids everything came to about $300 and that includes snow suits, boots etc.
 
I would just go bargain hunting. Try to find some used winter jackets and get the snow pants from Walmart. I find Winners has cheaper mittens then, say MEC or Children's place etc. At least if they lose the stuff at school, it's cheap! When my kids were young I bought multiple pairs of cheap mittens that were the same colour. Usually by the end of each winter they had only one pair left of all the ones I bought. (got better as they got older...)
 
Just curious, what happens if your ex agrees to pay 1/2 the cost, and you go out and purchase the items. Then when you tell them their share, they say "ok" but never pay you back? How do you recover the money they agreed to pay you?
 
Diverged said:
I would just go bargain hunting. Try to find some used winter jackets and get the snow pants from Walmart. I find Winners has cheaper mittens then, say MEC or Children's place etc. At least if they lose the stuff at school, it's cheap! When my kids were young I bought multiple pairs of cheap mittens that were the same colour. Usually by the end of each winter they had only one pair left of all the ones I bought. (got better as they got older...)
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For me I find costco or consignment stores the best for kids stuff.
 
Brampton33 said:
Just curious, what happens if your ex agrees to pay 1/2 the cost, and you go out and purchase the items. Then when you tell them their share, they say "ok" but never pay you back? How do you recover the money they agreed to pay you?
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If you can swing it financially- you let. it. go....my separation agreement says dad is supposed to pay s.7 for the non-prescription eczema creams D5 uses. It is recommended by her pediatric dermatologist as it's the only thing that seems to keep her skin in good condition. This wasn't me being petty during our negotiations. Her cream costs approx. $35/bottle and she goes through 2-3 bottles a month, and even more in the winter. It adds up. I purchase the creams separately and send ex the receipts on a quarterly basis. He's never once reimbursed me for it. He will reimburse me for her other medical and extracurricular stuff. He's told me it's cause he thinks the stuff he uses on his skin is as good. He's wrong- I go with what her dermatologist recommends- and what actually works on her skin. I've tried his cream.

Anyhow. I digress.


I had to let it go. It's the thing that you just learn to live with...again- if you can. I recognize that all the winter gear really does add up. D5 uses Joe Fresh snowpants and gloves. I buy winter boots on consignment if I can- for extra pairs. If not- the Geox outlets have really great kids boots at a discount.
 
What’s that phrase me love here?

Not the hill to die on.

Seriously. If you are going to be forced to buy them just suck it up and do it. Your kids are warm. One winter my sister had to buy three pairs of snow pants as her kid insisted on crawling and sliding through the gravel lot. She then resorted to sewing patches on the damn things. Kid wailed and my sister told her either quit playing like an animal or suck it up.
 
iona6656 said:
If you can swing it financially- you let. it. go....Anyhow. I digress. I had to let it go.
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Thanks Iona for your example. I appreciate how frustrating it is. I will carry on and simply keep the receipts if ever needed to make a point.

It goes to show how much of a pos our exes can be. Her court briefs were laced with how much she loves our kids and how in her view it was critical she had them to herself and render me a visitor-dad, etc. Yet when it comes time to forking over money for winter clothes or extracurriculars for the kids she claimed to love so much, she is nowhere to be found.

She delays the purchase of essential things to the point where I cave and just buy them myself. Or worse, at times she agrees to collaborate on purchasing things or extracurriculars jointly, and suggests I pay and she'll reimburse me her share. Yet never does. A true show of class.
 
Brampton33 said:
It goes to show how much of a pos our exes can be. Her court briefs were laced with how much she loves our kids and how in her view it was critical she had them to herself and render me a visitor-dad, etc.
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I met my husband a year after his divorce was finalized and he had been through two years of the nickel and diming while paying full table. His ex felt that the kids should be in every activity imaginable and after the things listed in their agreement expired, she would just replace them. He started to get really anxious and frustrated which is how I found this forum. She wanted to split $15 dance tickets or have him pay $10 for pictures of his kids or my personal fave—his share of designer glasses frames which were $400 more than basic ones (he ended up paying twice since she called in a panic saying glasses were now $800 which he paid up front for and when she sent the bill we realized he had already paid AND the frames were $400 alone). He started pushing back and then she would respond that he didn’t care about them and had the kids say shit to him. It escalated to the kids not telling him about things they were registered in because he didn’t pay which made visits awkward as they had nothing to talk about due to their attitude. His one kid stopped speaking to him because he didn’t support her interests. Then it became “you’re so cruel to mom making her pay for everything”. This forum taught me that most kids of divorce dont get to do the amount of shit his ex had them doing and that my husband was not responsible for shit outside his support. (That’s a whole other story). He even spoke to his therapist about it because it was SO frustrating how his ex would ask him and then make the kids deal with him or have the kids ask him so he was forced to say no to them.

Some ex’s really are pieces of shit and it all goes back to their intent to destroy the other parent!
 
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