Well this has probably come at the most unwanted time but my daughter is either in a new phase or something else is happening. Since last week when I go to pick her up she cries and doens't want to come with me. The two times she was fine once she got in the car and everything was normal afterwards. But now her mother doesn't want to let me take her as she says she doesn't want to go with me. She's also accusing me of doing something or something happening that would give my daughter the change of heart all of a sudden. My daughter (17months) use to run to the door screaming daddy when I arrived now she either looks at me and shows me a toy she's playing with or will run to her mom and throw a fit. It's a very hard situation to deal with inside and her mother doesn't help by accusing me of harming or letting someone harm my little girl and doesn't think it's a phase, and then making the situation worse by not allowing me to take my daughter for my time with her.
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Phase or concern?
- Thread starter CatvsLion
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Definitely a phase
Definitely a phase
It's definitely a phase. Even at 10 and 12 my children occassionally pull fits when going from one home to the other. When they're with me they don't want to visit Dad but when it's time to come home from Dad's they want to stay. Kids in general just don't like change.
Definitely a phase
It's definitely a phase. Even at 10 and 12 my children occassionally pull fits when going from one home to the other. When they're with me they don't want to visit Dad but when it's time to come home from Dad's they want to stay. Kids in general just don't like change.
logicalvelocity
Moderator
Most likely a phase.
The other parent has a obligation to support the relationship between you and your child. The other parent is not an expert in child development and is wrong to say that your child doesn't want to go with you. The other parent is wrong by not allowing the child to see you.
Here's an example:
Is the parent going to keep the child out of school if the child is stressed from the school experience. What your x is doing is actually going to cause insecurity in the child.
From a current book that I am reading called "Divorce Poison" by Dr. Richard A. Warshak
It speaks about Separation Anxiety
"Prepare young children for transitions to the other parent with only a little advance notice, using a relaxed and matter-of-fact tone, much as you would announce a pending trip to the store. Use the same tone to let them know when they will return. Young children are very sensitive to a parent's moods. If a parent conveys anxiety about an upcoming separation, either by tone of voice or by too many reassurances, the child will absorb the parent's anxiety and have more difficulty with the separation. If the children's distress at the time of the exchange worries you, ask the other parent to call fifteen minutes later (or use a third party if direct communication between parents is a problem)( to let you know whether they have calmed down."
Make the exchange as quickly as possible and don't dwell on the event.
The other parent has a obligation to support the relationship between you and your child. The other parent is not an expert in child development and is wrong to say that your child doesn't want to go with you. The other parent is wrong by not allowing the child to see you.
Here's an example:
Is the parent going to keep the child out of school if the child is stressed from the school experience. What your x is doing is actually going to cause insecurity in the child.
From a current book that I am reading called "Divorce Poison" by Dr. Richard A. Warshak
It speaks about Separation Anxiety
"Prepare young children for transitions to the other parent with only a little advance notice, using a relaxed and matter-of-fact tone, much as you would announce a pending trip to the store. Use the same tone to let them know when they will return. Young children are very sensitive to a parent's moods. If a parent conveys anxiety about an upcoming separation, either by tone of voice or by too many reassurances, the child will absorb the parent's anxiety and have more difficulty with the separation. If the children's distress at the time of the exchange worries you, ask the other parent to call fifteen minutes later (or use a third party if direct communication between parents is a problem)( to let you know whether they have calmed down."
Make the exchange as quickly as possible and don't dwell on the event.
I hope it is only a phase. Unfortunately it concerns me it is something much worse. I am afraid your ex might be poisoning you in the mind of your child. At such a young age such a job would be highly effective and may cause trauma and damage for years to come.
Was your divorcer amicable? I suspect not? Does you ex hold a high level of bitterness towards you?
This is really sad to see things like this, when parents use their children as tools to exact pain and revenge on each other. It really is criminal.
Was your divorcer amicable? I suspect not? Does you ex hold a high level of bitterness towards you?
This is really sad to see things like this, when parents use their children as tools to exact pain and revenge on each other. It really is criminal.
lammie said:Does you ex hold a high level of bitterness towards you?
She does hold a high level of bitterness towards me and I too think it's terrible - the transition period between her mother and I are almost always a quick thing where here mother gets mad or yells or makes some sort of comment and then takes our daughter in a hurry. Where everyone else has a nice goodbye and kisses hugs and bye bye etc. Just not with Daddy when Mommy is there.
I took two days off to be with my daughter since this started happening last week and yesterday my daughter came with me without a fuss at all and the last few times she's been very happy to see me like usual. I keep telling her mother its' probably becuase she had 5 days off in a row and spent the full days with her, plus the fact that I just moved so obviously it has something to do with seperation anxiety. Her mother thinks it's much more and something must have obviously happened to her to get her so upset.
I'm not sure what she could be doing to 'poison' our daughter but I do know she bad mouths me when she's around and the fact of our transistions haven't always been that pleasent... I did mention my concern of the transistion and she has made an effort to let me say goodbye but it still isn't that good.
Hopefully this will continue to pass and not get worse...
The bad mouthing can do it to start. Also coaxing the child to report things she did when with you that might be construed as wrong or bad.
Just be very careful and don't play the game. You need not even speak about your ex around your child unless your child brings it up. And never badmouth or say anything mean or hurtful about your ex to your child. Do not get trapped into putting the child in the middle. Even while young children are perceptive, and if she has a good experience with you that does not make her feel in the middle it will go a long ways.
Hopefully, as you say, it will pass. Again, just focus on your child when you have time with her, and don't even involve her in any of the issues between you and the ex. Make your time special and meaningful.
It sounds like you have been doing that, but I just want to emphasis that is still the right path, even if you get frustrated at your ex and feel like setting your child straight.
Just be very careful and don't play the game. You need not even speak about your ex around your child unless your child brings it up. And never badmouth or say anything mean or hurtful about your ex to your child. Do not get trapped into putting the child in the middle. Even while young children are perceptive, and if she has a good experience with you that does not make her feel in the middle it will go a long ways.
Hopefully, as you say, it will pass. Again, just focus on your child when you have time with her, and don't even involve her in any of the issues between you and the ex. Make your time special and meaningful.
It sounds like you have been doing that, but I just want to emphasis that is still the right path, even if you get frustrated at your ex and feel like setting your child straight.
logicalvelocity
Moderator
Just an opinion
There should be no adult discussions in front of the child and if emotionals are on the rampage from communicating, why not use a communication log book for communication between yourself and your ex.
Limit the communication to hello and goodbye etc when at exchange times or use a third party. Children can sense a parent's emotion, even young children have this gift.
Most infant children no longer have separation anxiety after 24 months of age and it is well known that children bond with both parent's at roughly the same time 6 to 7 months of age.
There should be no adult discussions in front of the child and if emotionals are on the rampage from communicating, why not use a communication log book for communication between yourself and your ex.
Limit the communication to hello and goodbye etc when at exchange times or use a third party. Children can sense a parent's emotion, even young children have this gift.
Most infant children no longer have separation anxiety after 24 months of age and it is well known that children bond with both parent's at roughly the same time 6 to 7 months of age.
My daughter is still only just under 18months old. It's just really frustrating as I don't know what the main cause for this is either. It could have to do with a number of things but her mother is focusing only on my recent move and stating that something else must have happened for her to do a 180 in her attitude towards me and not thrilled about leaving with me now. So she wants to make my time with my daughter less until she gets use to the change which I think is making the problem worse not better.
Do you have a court order or separation agreement in place that states when you have access?
Sounds like your ex is making this difficult for your child. Third party pick up drop offs may be the route to go. i.e. Picking her up at daycare Friday evening then dropping her back at daycare Monday morning.
Good Luck, this must be so frustrating for you.
Sounds like your ex is making this difficult for your child. Third party pick up drop offs may be the route to go. i.e. Picking her up at daycare Friday evening then dropping her back at daycare Monday morning.
Good Luck, this must be so frustrating for you.
Grace said:Sounds like your ex is making this difficult for your child. Third party pick up drop offs may be the route to go. i.e. Picking her up at daycare Friday evening then dropping her back at daycare Monday morning.
That sounds like a wonderful idea.
imarketing0
New member
I would say it is possible it is a phase. But I would be more concerned that perhaps the mother is behind the "change in heart." She may be trying to control the situation because she does not want you to see your daughter.
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