Opinion on an issue

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Gord Shell

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My daughter’s mother has left the city for a week and a half. She never mentioned this to me and has left my daughter with her husband for the week and a half. What is your opinion or the "rules" on this situation? Should my daughter be with me or her step dad? There is no custody arrangement. I have my daughter every other weekend and I am always asking her mother for extra time and she refuses it.

Thanks
 
Her routine would have stayed the same, I kept my daughter the week they were on their honeymoon and she was perfectly fine with me for that week. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
 
The step dad has no legal standing as anything other than a babysitter. My separation agreement has a clause that is pretty common, when babysitting is needed each parent gets right of first refusal.

That said, if the mother's relationship with the step dad is stable, then she probably wants to stablize the relationship between him and the daughter. I would have said you should have priority, but it's a tough call, no one can really force this.

You should have a custody agreement in place, at this point you are possibly best off to see a Parenting Co-ordinator or a mediator with a family law specialty. If you are generally happy with the situation you don't want to make waves, but you want your rights and access protected, especially in situations like this. It would be better if your ex hears from a third party that it would be better to give you the option of caring for your child, rather than you demanding it.
 
Mess said:
My separation agreement has a clause that is pretty common, when babysitting is needed each parent gets right of first refusal.
Click to expand...

You should approach your ex and discuss this with her. If you both otherwise get along, you may be able to negotiate something that gets you a piece of this kind of time.
 
Dadtotheend: Unfortunately, that was not my post it was Mess's post. I do not have any form of agreement with my daughter’s mother. We tried lawyers and mediation but she wouldn’t follow the unsigned agreement in the trial phase so we never signed the agreement. We have spent tons of money a got nowhere. I have to "fight" for extra time, even an extra hour on my birthday. This incident really doesn’t surprise me. I just wish there was something I could do. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
 
Gord Shell, you've received some good advice.

In most situations, parents have a Right of First Refusal in their agreement or court order. But, this isn't the case in all situations - like ours. In our case, my stepson's mother made it very clear that she will rely on her own resources to provide care for the child when she cannot do so herself on her custody time. (Yet she tried to insist that should the child's dad not be able to take care of him during his custody time, he would have to forfeit his access.) It was finally agreed that if either parent is unable to care for the child during their custody/access time, they will rely on their own resources (step-parents, family, friends, babysitters) to care for the child during that time. This makes the most sense given the 2hr distance between the child's 2 homes, and the fact that each parent has either a spouse or close family to help whenever needed. Naturally, we still attempt to swap weekends or vacations if possible.

I strongly suggest you get something in writing to protect your access rights. And if possible, include a Right to First Refusal in your agreement.

Good luck!
 
Yes it is very good advice that I received.This right to first refusal seems like a good idea in theory but I do not want to rock the boat. I just want more time with my daughter without wasting thousands of dollars on lawyers who get us nowhere (5 yrs, 3 different lawyers, 1 mediator). This is money we could have saved for her education and her mother and I both wasted it on lawyers and mediation sessions that left us with nothing to show.

I don't understand how a mother (or father) can keep a child from the other parent. I don’t understand why parents do this to children; it ultimately affects the children in these cases. They are the ones left hurt and confused.

I have tried talking with my ex, telling her that our daughter needs to spend more time with me, but it is like she wants me to have no part in my daughter’s life. She is happy with every other weekend. My daughter is to the point that she won’t do anything unless she has her mother’s permission. My daughter even thinks it is ok to only see me every other weekend, she thinks we spend enough time together as it stands.<O:p</O:p<O:p</O:p
 
Gord - if you have an unsigned, but mediated agreement already, I suggest you take it to court and try to get it ordered in place. If she has already agreed to it in draft, she will have a hard time justifying to a judge why she will not sign and respect it.

Whatever you do, I would get it done sooner, rather than later. The longer things go on as they are, the less likely a judge will be, to upset the routine by making changes. I would insist on a right of first refusal clause (it is very standard). My husband's clause stipulates it only applies for "overnight" occassions, but that would still have helped you in this instance.

Good luck.
 
I was wondering how I can nicely approach my ex to see if his parents would watch our child on days that we are stuck for babysitting. I would hope they would say yes to see and spend more time with their grandchild but dont want to make an issue as I know they will see it. I can hear them now "oh ya we are good enough when she needs someone" but that's not the case. But also things do come up and hope that we can have an agreement he/them watch her instead of me calling in sick or running around trying to find other help.
 
tugofwar - if your relationship with them is reasonably civil, I suggest simply sending a note/email(?). Let them know that you can make arrangements to get these things covered on your own, but thought they would appreciate the opportunity to have extra time with the kids when the occassion arises. The worst they can do is say no. If they do, don't waste your time arguing with them. But make sure that if they agree, you make an effort to offer them flexibility when they ask you for something. It goes a long way.

Hope that helps.:)
 
first right of refusal

first right of refusal

The key to gaining what you want from your exwife is to identify the reason why she is resisting you. It is doubtful that it is wise to spend any money "forcing" her to comply, which only reinforces her determination to move on in her life without you, daughter or not. Does she hate you for some reason? (adultery, drawn out court battles at high costs, demanding or controlling behaviour?) Be honest with yourself, and remove the threat she sees in your increased exposure to your daughter. Is she afraid you will seek more custody, in order to lower your child support payments?
There is always a reason for people to behave the way they do, so my advice is to use a little psychology, instead of lawyers who will only be happy to suck more money out of the two of you. and push you ever further from your daughter.
Good luck.
 
I just find it sad that in most cases, it is about the $$$$ and not about the child. Just from the posts and replies I have been reading. Everyone trying to make up hours to achieve 40%.
How would your child feel if he/she thinks that they were a financial burden to you? And all the fighting and access or denial was about reaching the % so you wont have to pay the set amount.
 
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