Now he wants to take ONE of our children

[Where is the Light]

My ex had decided a long time ago, that children changed his life. He wanted his old life back and he checked out.

Now the children are older. 13 and 10.

He is upset about having to pay child support and he now wants to take the 10 year old, who might just want to go with him half time (as he can be bought with all the things he is promising him). Plus, he can and will leave him alone and go on about his life. He wouldn't have wanted this when the child was 5 or 6. This is about saving himself child support.

I tell you, with everything I have done as a single mom, I think I will just die if he decides to go live with his dad half time, because of what his dad can offer (material wise).

So, apart from my heartache, would that also cut child support off to me? If he had one child and I the other, would he no longer have to pay me anything?

I have waayyyyyyy less money then him.

Thanks.

 

[Pursuinghappiness]

I tell you, with everything I have done as a single mom, I think I will just die if he decides to go live with his dad half time, because of what his dad can offer (material wise).

He's 10 so he can't decide on his own. His thoughts/opinions will be considered in a custody review but if the older child is with you, its unlikely that they'll split the children up into two households.

...who might just want to go with him half time...
...Plus, he can and will leave him alone and go on about his life....

What is the current custody arrangement?

How can you assume to know what he'll do should he have increased access to the children?

 

[HappyMomma]

My ex had decided a long time ago, that children changed his life. He wanted his old life back and he checked out.

Now the children are older. 13 and 10.

He is upset about having to pay child support and he now wants to take the 10 year old, who might just want to go with him half time (as he can be bought with all the things he is promising him). Plus, he can and will leave him alone and go on about his life. He wouldn't have wanted this when the child was 5 or 6. This is about saving himself child support.

I tell you, with everything I have done as a single mom, I think I will just die if he decides to go live with his dad half time, because of what his dad can offer (material wise).

So, apart from my heartache, would that also cut child support off to me? If he had one child and I the other, would he no longer have to pay me anything?

I have waayyyyyyy less money then him.

Thanks.

You are not going to like the responses you get here.

Your son deserves to have his father in his life regardless of what you 'believe' your ex's intentions are. Doesn't matter if you are correct or not.

If your 10 year old lives with your ex half time then you would get offset for the 10 year old and full guideline support for the older child. You might be able to make a case, if you drag it to court, that your ex pay more than offset using sections 9c and 9b of the guidelines. I do not recommend you do this. Litigation is emotionally and financially draining and your children need 100% of your support. Make them the priority.

You say he just wants to reduce his CS obligation but it sounds like you just want to keep taking his money.

Support your son's decision no matter what it is. Do not make him feel bad for wanting to spend time with a father who has been absent. He may very well go there and decide he doesn't really like it - especially if your ex is as 'checked out' as you claim. Regardless, you need to think about what you child needs right now and it sounds like right now he needs his dad.

I think you're going to get a whole lot of 'suck it up buttercup' responses on this one.

Good luck to you.

 

[Mess]

Your ex would post here that you are upset at losing a few hundred dollars and want to refuse to let the child have equal time with him.

I'm not saying one side is right or wrong, but you are the one framing this as a financial issue.

If you don't care about money, then agree to the access. If you are all about money, then fight him for the money.

 

[DowntroddenDad]

My ex had decided a long time ago, that children changed his life. He wanted his old life back and he checked out.

Now the children are older. 13 and 10.

He is upset about having to pay child support and he now wants to take the 10 year old, who might just want to go with him half time (as he can be bought with all the things he is promising him). Plus, he can and will leave him alone and go on about his life. He wouldn't have wanted this when the child was 5 or 6. This is about saving himself child support.

I tell you, with everything I have done as a single mom, I think I will just die if he decides to go live with his dad half time, because of what his dad can offer (material wise).

So, apart from my heartache, would that also cut child support off to me? If he had one child and I the other, would he no longer have to pay me anything?

I have waayyyyyyy less money then him.

Thanks.

Take the emotion out, stick to the issues, that is what you will need to do in court if you want to take it that far.

Your kids deserve to have two parents. He has a right to be in your son's life.

50-50 or 60-40 would mean that you would be using the offset method, where the person with the larger income would be the net payor, but in share proportionate to income. So you would still get some support for a child with you 50% of the time. You may want to negotiate a ramp up to 50-50 just to ensure everyone is comfortable.

My ex kicked my son out as soon as he was no longer eligible for child support. He lives with me, but he is free to visit his mom as often as he wants, and I encourage him to do so.

 

[Pursuinghappiness]

If he had one child and I the other, would he no longer have to pay me anything?

I got confused by this.

Is the OP saying the guy just wants 50/50 custody/access or does he want full custody/access of one kid while she keeps the other?

 

[HammerDad]

I got confused by this.

Is the OP saying the guy just wants 50/50 custody/access or does he want full custody/access of one kid while she keeps the other?

I got the impression that it was 1 kid 50/50 and the other kid would remain with her full time....but I've been known to be wrong.

 

[Where is the Light]

"Sounds like I am just wishing to take his money". This is what you wrote to my response.

I think this is the first time, I have been ticked off at a response. I get you are intitled to your opinion, but it is the only thing he has offered for years. Not his time, not his love, and yes, I need the additional money from him to keep my children in a small tiny home. HE LIVES IN A HUGE HUGE HUGE GLAMOROUS HOUSE, not that I care about this, and he is able to lie about his income because he lives with his cheatting g/f. They both work for her brother who owns the billionaire business. Hiding the money he is able to do, ripping off from his children, THE REAL CHILD SUPPORT THEY HAVE BEEN DUE, now, that sickens me.

 

[Pursuinghappiness]

I got the impression that it was 1 kid 50/50 and the other kid would remain with her full time....but I've been known to be wrong.

Sorry, re-reading the post you're probably right.

I tell you, with everything I have done as a single mom, I think I will just die if he decides to go live with his dad half time, because of what his dad can offer (material wise).

Generally, children want to be with both parents for a lot of reasons, not just material ones.

Also, people often change after divorce...especially with regard to parenting. Kids spending more time with their dad if he wants to be with them is a good thing.

If he makes more money than you, you'll still be getting support...just offset rather than full table.

 

[Where is the Light]

Sorry, I was ticked when I responded earlier, so I didn't elaborate on what the ex-HOLE is hoping for. The older child, has multiple challenges, so he doesn't wish to take him anymore than what he asked for to begin with. Boys every other weekend. And the lovely father that he is, lives 1 minute from us. Yes, he kicked me/children out from our own home, yet ''claimed'' he wanted the children to remain living there as this is where their friends were. Everything is a game about winning with him. EVERYTHING.

So, he now proposed to our younger son, that he might consider moving in with him on a 50/50 basis. He said, "'all your friends are here" and "I can buy you lots of things". Isn't this nice.

I stayed home, ran to countless Dr's, spent years volunteering at my children school. I have been trying to get a job for 2 years. I asked ex if I found an evening job, could he help out with the boys and I would pick them up before their bed time. He responded ''nope''. You get paid child support. So, please, do not get me going about this big jerk!

My youngest son, can be bought with material items. He most recently was told, he would get him an ATV, I think it is called.

Ex wouldn't even come to parent teacher night. Seriously, you don't want to get me going on this one. He is all about the money and hurting me. My kids have been my life and he knows it.

 

[OrleansLawyer]

If he had one child and I the other, would he no longer have to pay me anything?

If one child with Payor and one child with recipient, each pay offsetting amounts for one child.

If one child is half time with each party, the other child is with recipient, this is a hybrid situation. Child support for two children, offset against child support for one.

As an aside, you have a ten year old child; they should not be driving the bus.

 

[Pursuinghappiness]

HE LIVES IN A HUGE HUGE HUGE GLAMOROUS HOUSE, not that I care about this,

Sounds like you do care...but immaterial.

The older child, has multiple challenges, so he doesn't wish to take him anymore than what he asked for to begin with.

That's unfortunate.

So, he now proposed to our younger son, that he might consider moving in with him on a 50/50 basis. He said, "'all your friends are here" and "I can buy you lots of things". Isn't this nice.

I don't think there's anything wrong with your ex having 50/50 custody...although its very sad that he isn't asking for time with both children. However, your 10 year old isn't old enough to make the final decision on where he spends his time unless you agree to it. Otherwise, you could head to court and a potential evaluation.

I stayed home, ran to countless Dr's, spent years volunteering at my children school.

Its not unusual for one parent to do more of the household/parenting tasks while the other works. I actually worked full-time and took care of the household and most of the parenting and I'm fine with my ex having 50% access since the divorce. Nothing to do with him, personally I don't like the way he parents. However, my opinion is only valid in my own house and overall having time with both parents is the healthiest choice for children...period.

I asked ex if I found an evening job, could he help out with the boys and I would pick them up before their bed time. He responded ''nope''. You get paid child support. So, please, do not get me going about this big jerk!

So you get a job, hire a babysitter and, if necessary, file a motion for S7 expenses for babysitting costs. I don't beg my ex to pay for my kid's braces or piano lessons...I have a court order stating he will.

Ex wouldn't even come to parent teacher night. Seriously, you don't want to get me going on this one. He is all about the money and hurting me. My kids have been my life and he knows it.

I'm not sure why you think having 50/50 custody is about hurting you...or even about money. He'll still have to pay offset child support. And since you won't have the child 50% of the time, your expenses with regard to that child will go down slightly (fixed costs won't change obviously). Its great that you're a good mom...but you should want a dad in their life too..its what's best for them. Maybe he just wants to spend more time with his kids.

The only thing that would bother me about the whole thing is that I'd be asking him to consider having more time with both children...not just one.

One thing that you need to do is let the past go. And let his private matters go. What he did in marriage is irrelevant now. What he does in his private life now is irrelevant. What is relevant is the fact that you're both parents of your children.

 

[arabian]

You heard about your ex's plans from your 10 yr old son?????

You you have to quit reacting to this stuff and figure out a way to get your son to quit participating in this dialogue.


Perhaps other posters, who are raising 10 yr old children, can give you some tips on how to keep parent issues between parents and not draw children into.

I see it as simply your ex (or the g/f) getting your kid whooped up about concept of living with them.

Be calm. Be cool. Be level-headed.

 

[arabian]

As an aside, I'd give serious consideration to moving. What good does it do to be living 1 minute from your ex? No wonder you keep getting drawn into their drama.

Change is good. Just don't move too far away!

 

[Rioe]

Some thoughts in random order.

Your ex taking on one of the two kids, 50-50, will not drop his CS payment to you by all that much if your incomes are as different as you claim they are. If his motivation is solely financial, he's going about it wrong.

Even if your ex is doing it for the wrong reasons, your son having more time with his father will be good for him. Your son may not be thinking of the material benefits he's been promised. He may be thinking "my dad is finally interested in me!"

It's going to really really suck for your other child to not receive the same offer. I would try to convince your ex that the kids should stay together, that he can't just pick and choose one over the other. Otherwise, you may find that your other child is extremely disappointed and feeling rejected, and you should be prepared to help with that.

Counteroffer with a proposal that the custody be switched to 50-50 for BOTH children for a trial period (say, till the end of the school term). If it works out well (ie, the kids' marks don't drop and they seem to enjoy it), it can be continued and you can make a motion on consent to change the access and, accordingly, the CS. His reaction will tell you a lot about his true intentions. This is also your opportunity to suggest the type of 50-50 schedule you would prefer.

You may harbour anger at how you've been treated, and you may question his motives, but the end result is a father taking more interest in his children, and the children will benefit from that.

Your children are nearing an age where they will just drop in at whoever's house they feel like, since you live so close. You may want to start preparing yourself emotionally for that.

 

[BitHunter]

I'm buying d10 everything she wants and I can afford. I hope that doesn't make me a bad father.

If he takes the kid he will spend way more on him than he saves on CS, so financially it is not a good idea. And if the only reason to take the kids would be financial, he would take both.

So no, he just likes the kid, and he likes one kid more than the other, likely because the two kids have very different personalities.

If you need that money to keep that small place you and your kids live, talk to your ex and ask him to pay the full CS amount. Even if he prefers one kid, he wouldn't want to send the other to live under the bridge if what you wrote is true and that CS is peanuts in his budget. I would happily pay my ex full CS if she gave me 50/50 access.

 

[Where is the Light]

My children are very different children. The older, with multiple challenges, well, his dad often will not give him his meds when in his care. This causes alot of behaviour for him that he can't control. He has harmed (my older son), his sibling on so many occassions, when in his fathers care. Dunking his head under lake water and holding his head there. Bruises from children fighting that would not happen in the same way if my elder child was medicated. I thank God, that the idiot atleast steps in. However, my younger child resents his sibling for what he is doing to him. This is not right!

I have so many issues with this man ex). He has our younger child, despising his older sibling, because of his idiotic behaviour. Our older child must have sent two dozens messages to me on my ipod the ohter day, begging me to not have to go with his father. His father offers no ''emotional support'' and often seems angry with them, unless he is calmed by his social drinking.

When we were in court. I offered a Tuesday overnight to him. Remember, he and his g/f live one minute away. He said no, I paid you child support. I offered his children to him until 9 pm. on his weekends with them. He x'd it out and placed 6 p.m. drop off. This was less than a year ago.

In looking for an evening job, I looked for someone who would make sure homework was done, showers had, my one son could get to his evening team sports. This person did not come to surface and my childrens dad, with his all but one minute drive away and his g/f for support, REFUSED TO HELP OUT. He won't help with homework, won't help with projects. I honestly, truly believe in my heart, my children would benefit nothing from this jerk. My 10 year old who told me about his daddy asking him if he wanted to move in with him, etc, said, ''don't tell your mother." He had been drinking. Daddy has plenty of money now, but he doesn't spend anything substantial on them. Yes, they get a xmas present and b.day present, but that is it. But, oh the promises he makes to my younger child and my younger child says, '' but daddy has rich friends now." I don't want my child to become this crazy material person, his dad has.

My head is spinning right now.

 

[wretchedotis]

I'm buying d10 everything she wants and I can afford. I hope that doesn't make me a bad father.

It might actually. At least in my opinion.

You buy her anything and everything she wants? How's that sense of self-entitlement going to help her when she's an adult?

 

[wretchedotis]

My ex had decided a long time ago, that children changed his life. He wanted his old life back and he checked out.

Now the children are older. 13 and 10.

He is upset about having to pay child support and he now wants to take the 10 year old, who might just want to go with him half time (as he can be bought with all the things he is promising him). Plus, he can and will leave him alone and go on about his life. He wouldn't have wanted this when the child was 5 or 6. This is about saving himself child support.

I tell you, with everything I have done as a single mom, I think I will just die if he decides to go live with his dad half time, because of what his dad can offer (material wise).

So, apart from my heartache, would that also cut child support off to me? If he had one child and I the other, would he no longer have to pay me anything?

I have waayyyyyyy less money then him.

Thanks.

You would not stand to lose that much money out of a 50/50 access arrangement for one of two children.

But I will further comment.

Your time and effort and suffering do not entitle you to anything more than (hopefully) having raised a good natured, well-mannered, and generally 'nice' kid.

That's it. That's what it was all for! That's the best you can hope for.

All the rest of it is just life, and how well you cope with change.

Ten year old has only eight more years with either parent. What would you do then, if kid moved out with his new romantic partner? Feel ripped off?

Ok, I guess you would be out of a stipend provided to you from the kids' father.

I can tell you are being genuine, and think you have best interests at heart. And in many ways you probably do. But all I could do while reading your post was shake my head.

It sounds very much like you use volunteering, etc as argument as to why you shouldn't be forced to live off less money.

Pulling no punches - I simply suggest you get a job.

 

[annapurna66]

If your son wants to spend half time with his Dad...let him go....on a trial basis. A 10 year old is not mature enough to make a permanent decision with no way out if it doesn't work. Give it a 3 month trial...get a professional social worker or impartial therapist involved to meet with your son and monitor how things are going. And know this to be true...you will survive. If your son wants to go and you prevent him..he may resent you. Don't jeopardize your relationship with him because of your ex. Good luck...some harsh words on this forum..take a deep breath, love your son and treat yourself well. You may find that time away from you allows your son to appreciate you even more.

Ps check out Contino vs Contino as some light reading.