Newbie Question

[sidelineref]

Hi folks. I've finally worked up the courage to come aboard and ask for this groups advice. This has been vexing me for the last few weeks - what is the appropriate age for a child to be shown the legal documentation and paperwork as it pertains to their child support?

 

[Mess]

Generally speaking I would say never. There are exceptions to every rule, but you would need to describe the reasons why you think there should be an exception.

Children should not be involved with the legal fights and financial arrangements of divorce. At age 6, 10, 14, they certainly shouldn't be put in the middle where they would feel that conflict between the parents is or was their fault. There is nothing to gain by bringing them into this.

During the mid-teens I would say that if a couple has been separated/divorced for years and the situation has settled out it might be less of an issue, but I would still say there would have to be a compelling reason why.

Now often parents can have serious budget restrictions and teens want clothes and cars and trips and nights out. Parents certainly need to sit down and go over some basic financials with their kids, but I don't see any reason why anyone would need to bring the legal documents spelling out support payments into it unless it was to complain about the other parent somehow.

If the child were sitting at a table with both parents, the parents were by that time amicable, and there was a positive intent to explain the full financial process of the family budget so the child could learn from this to plan their own life and there was no intent to blame one side or the other, then I could see some reason for it, if the child was genuinely interested. But looking back at me and my friends when we were 15 or 16, I have a hard time imagining it.

Even at later ages, when the children are in university, left home, etc, what is the motive? To finally satisfy the child's curiosity? Or to raise bitterness against one parent? I can't think of a good reason to want to. That reason may exist and I would be happy to read other comments and experiences but I don't see it myself.

 

[dadtotheend]

Welcome to the board.

Agree with Mess above. Kids don't need that stressor at all.

If a child is curious about those matters, you can explain in an age appropriate manner that money issues are adult issues and that it's not a child's job to worry about them. You can reassure them that money will take care of itself and that a child's job includes learning, playing, growing etc. but not money matters.

I believe that the income disparity b/w the two of us has been tabled at the ex's home for the children's ears. As such, my kids ask me about it and I respond with the above.

 

[wretchedotis]

I think that's an adult topic best left to the adults. If your children are adults, I suppose they fit into that category. However, I agree with Mess in that there is no real reason to burden your children with that sort of knowledge.

 

[sidelineref]

Thanks for the replies. They confirm my sentiments exactly but fear the damage has already been done. On a few separate occasions, the child has confronted the NCP using the phrase “according to this agreement, you have to pay ........ ” - once over the telephone in the midst of a conversation between the parents, and twice more while showing the NCP copies of the document that the child’s CP had made available to the child for just such an occasion. We’re talking about a barely just turned 13 year old. When asked why in the world the CP would ever allow the child to see the agreement - let alone carry a copy - the reply was simply “The child asked to see it...” I fear the CP has now put a severe strain on the relationship between the child and NCP.
Dadtotheend – “You can reassure them that money will take care of itself and that a child's job includes earning, playing, growing etc. but not money matters.“ - This was exactly how the NCP phrased their response to the child when confronted.
We’ll just have to see how it plays out. BTW, as you may tell by the careful wording, I am asking as a concerned family member and not as the parent involved. It has just been eating me up to see this happen and, knowing the NCP is always going to take the high road, only want to give them reassurances that they are doing the best they can for the best of reasons – the love, respect and well being of the child.
Thanks,
Sidelineref

 

[Mess]

You're being discreet in your wording. If you are the new partner of the NCP, I would say to just stay supportive of your partner but pretty much out of it. The child won't appreciate a step-parent sticking their nose in when they are already alienated and aggressive.

If you are an aunt/uncle or close family friend or similar, and the child has a relationship with you independant of the parents, then you have a place to speak gently about the matter.

In any case good luck, this sounds like an ugly situation.

 

[dadtotheend]

You sound very well intentioned.

If I get quoted specific financial stuff that small ears don't need to hear and is attributed to the ex, I am extremely careful (probably to a fault) to support her but also to just re-assert the stategy above.

If you get the blame game because of pointed comments, my response is "I'm sorry ex feels about that but..."

 

[sidelineref]

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I am not the NCP's new partner just a concerned family member. I just can't fathom how someone can drag their child into a situation that the child has no place being - especially when the CP has always smugly claimed that everything they do is in the best interest of the child. I don't understand how the CP can still harbour this much resentment, bitterness, anger and hatred many years after CP walked out on the NCP - CP was involved in extramarital relationship with a close family associate.This was not the first attempt. Counseling was offered but refused. CP has engaged in one sided silent war for control of child while giving everyone else the impression that all is right with the world and their relationship with the NCP. Because the NCP has always taken the high road, no one knows of the vindictive nature of the CP and how they have treated the NCP and NCP's family. It would have been easy for the NCP to pass the true behaviour of the CP along to the associates family and friends but feared that would only affect the child.

Thanks for allowing the ref on the sidelines a chance to bend your ears.