Newbie-- im a sponge--

Pursuinghappiness said:
What process was used to determine custody the first time? Did you guys mediate, did you have a custody assessement and/or trial or did you just reach an agreement before a trial?

We were very civil throughout the breakup and agreed to not go through court. I was in love with her and was helping out as much as I could-- turns out that the agreement was made ( not under any duress ) and I had soul custody at the time because the apartment that she moved into was infested in FLEAS, therefore-- I was not allowing our son to spend the night. Until the apartment was professionally cleaned, and provided proof to me. BUT -- this is where her father stepped in and convinced your to serve me papers asking for soul custody. But the judge didn't grant that because of the written agreement.


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Pursuinghappiness said:
lol...What connection does this have to her supposed mental illness? Being gay, lesbian, transgendered, etc is not a mental disorder. That was actually pretty offensive and bigoted.



the child in question has ADHD, ADD Depression-- they are the reason that has pushed her choice to be wanting to become a man.
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"Yes her mother is a Hoarder. And her sisters daughter is a now cross gender man/woman.:

Hoarding is a mental illness as well as the child in question... I was asked if mental illness was genetic .. SO-- yes is the answer-- in her family
 
Mittzu said:
Pursuinghappiness said:
lol...What connection does this have to her supposed mental illness? Being gay, lesbian, transgendered, etc is not a mental disorder. That was actually pretty offensive and bigoted.



the child in question has ADHD, ADD Depression-- they are the reason that has pushed her choice to be wanting to become a man.
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Thanks for clarifying. I've never heard of ADHD and Depression being associated with causing someone to want to switch genders.

Are you actually hearing this from a medical professional or just voicing your own opinions?

Usually, those undergoing gender transition develop depression due to the stress of the change, and the reactions of people that clearly don't understand what they're going through.

I still struggling to understand the transgendered persons connection to your son, and how they are contributing to the problems.
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Straittohell said:
Mittzu said:
I still struggling to understand the transgendered persons connection to your son, and how they are contributing to the problems.
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It has nothing to do with our son and what hes going through-- ZERO. I was asked if mental illness ran in the family-- SO, I used the two main people directly related to my ex, that she spends time with our son.

The issues that the child was going through stemmed from the illnesses but YES- their was a lot of things happening around her at the time of her change-

Please--- can we get back to the main post-- I have direct proof that my ex has multiple illness, ( ADHD, Depression, OCD and Dyslexia ) and the patterns in behaviour are escalating into why I am here. I need help -advice on what can I do ..
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Mittzu said:
Straittohell said:
It has nothing to do with our son and what hes going through-- ZERO. I was asked if mental illness ran in the family-- SO, I used the two main people directly related to my ex, that she spends time with our son.

The issues that the child was going through stemmed from the illnesses but YES- their was a lot of things happening around her at the time of her change-

Please--- can we get back to the main post-- I have direct proof that my ex has multiple illness, ( ADHD, Depression, OCD and Dyslexia ) and the patterns in behaviour are escalating into why I am here. I need help -advice on what can I do ..
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I have a friend whose ex has a documented history of mental illness. It is not easy for it to be proven, documented, and referenced due to privacy concerns. You will need to talk to a proper lawyer to find out how this information would be best utilized by the court to determine a material change.
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After re-reading the thread -- I am thinking I might just take the high road and find her more help and work with her more instead of wasting more energy, time, money and emotion. Maybe I just need to breath, step back and understand that she is struggling, and help her instead of making this worst.
I will find a local mediator and set up a time for the 3 of us to sit down. Work on a written co-parent plan that will help our son. Plus-- I will try and help her with her life, and try and put myself in her shoes ( like I have done so many times) and help.

I am very thankful for all the advice and you have proved to me that this is an amazing site-- THANK YOU
 
Mittzu said:
After re-reading the thread -- I am thinking I might just take the high road and find her more help and work with her more instead of wasting more energy, time, money and emotion. Maybe I just need to breath, step back and understand that she is struggling, and help her instead of making this worst.
I will find a local mediator and set up a time for the 3 of us to sit down. Work on a written co-parent plan that will help our son. Plus-- I will try and help her with her life, and try and put myself in her shoes ( like I have done so many times) and help.

I am very thankful for all the advice and you have proved to me that this is an amazing site-- THANK YOU
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You're most welcome. I have a lot of empathy for you. My ex and I do well for the most part, but I have days where I struggle a bit with how she acts as well. I just remind myself that I love my kids more than I dislike my ex.
 
Um, ADHD and dyslexia (like being transgendered) aren't mental illnesses either.

Two thoughts:

1. It sounds like this kid could really benefit from competent counselling. He's got highly conflicted parents with an unstable relationship and he's acting out in violent ways. Having a neutral third party whom he can talk to and express his feelings to without those feelings being drawn into parental conflict could be really important. If he's acting out at school, the school may be able to make a referral.
2. The OP needs to document his ex's behavior, not her possible diagnoses, to determine if any change of custody or residence is warranted. So far, I'm not hearing anything that sounds like she is an unfit parent. Clearly the parents are very angry with each other. I suggest that before the OP consult a lawyer, he should talk to a clinical social worker or psychologist to get some education on mental illness and parenting. A lawyer could easily say "you're right, she's crazy, I can get you sole custody", and blow through a whole lot of money.
 
Mittzu said:
Maybe I just need to breath, step back and understand that she is struggling, and help her instead of making this worst.
I will find a local mediator and set up a time for the 3 of us to sit down. Work on a written co-parent plan that will help our son. Plus-- I will try and help her with her life, and try and put myself in her shoes ( like I have done so many times) and help.

I am very thankful for all the advice and you have proved to me that this is an amazing site-- THANK YOU
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^^ Great idea!
 
stripes said:
Um, ADHD and dyslexia (like being transgendered) aren't mental illnesses either.

Two thoughts:

1. It sounds like this kid could really benefit from competent counselling. . Having a neutral third party whom he can talk to and express his feelings to without those feelings being drawn into parental conflict could be really important. If he's acting out at school, the school may be able to make a referral.



Where else besides the school can I get referrals or recommendations
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I think you are going to be disappointed. You can't help her..... she doesn't want your help (except maybe financial) or can't accept it. You keep saying you make agreements with her and she breaks them. What difference will it be this time?

Focus on helping your kids.

Any accusations of mental illness or problems need to be self-admitted or come from a specialist. 9/10 guys think their ex-wives are crazy.
 
Links17 said:
I think you are going to be disappointed. You can't help her..... she doesn't want your help (except maybe financial) or can't accept it. You keep saying you make agreements with her and she breaks them. What difference will it be this time?

Focus on helping your kids.

Any accusations of mental illness or problems need to be self-admitted or come from a specialist. 9/10 guys think their ex-wives are crazy.
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Yes.. they would be self admitted. Plus-- I was there for every doctors appointment-- There is no denying it and she knows she couldn't fight it. They are real, and it is affecting her everyday life and its getting worst.

I think the difference this time would be in writing. Plus the fact of a third party ( mediator ) and couldn't I throw in a statement that says-- if her illnesses are affecting our sons life then I should have custody of our son until she is feeling better or at least can handle what life is throwing at her??????
 
Mittzu said:
Yes.. they would be self admitted. Plus-- I was there for every doctors appointment-- There is no denying it and she knows she couldn't fight it. They are real, and it is affecting her everyday life and its getting worst.

I think the difference this time would be in writing. Plus the fact of a third party ( mediator ) and couldn't I throw in a statement that says-- if her illnesses are affecting our sons life then I should have custody of our son until she is feeling better or at least can handle what life is throwing at her??????
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That is a difficult one for sure.

My ex had seen psychiatrists but never with me, so she kept any diagnosis to herself.

It is a double edged sword, if she is diagnosed formally, then she can claim to be disabled and unable to work. But then she could qualify for ODSP, and get access to doctors. But as I know with my son, it is difficult to get to a full diagnosis.

To get ODSP, you need a doctors statement that describes the diagnosis and the prognosis. Sounds like that is what you should be going for.

In your separation agreement, perhaps some wording along the lines of "in case of hospitalization, custody will revert to ..., "
 
DowntroddenDad said:
That is a difficult one for sure.

My ex had seen psychiatrists but never with me, so she kept any diagnosis to herself.

It is a double edged sword, if she is diagnosed formally, then she can claim to be disabled and unable to work. But then she could qualify for ODSP, and get access to doctors. But as I know with my son, it is difficult to get to a full diagnosis.

To get ODSP, you need a doctors statement that describes the diagnosis and the prognosis. Sounds like that is what you should be going for.

In your separation agreement, perhaps some wording along the lines of "in case of hospitalization, custody will revert to ..., "
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What benefit would that be for me right now?? meaning/asking-- about the diagnosis/prognosis???
 
The point is, neither one of us can say exactly why the OP mentioned this, I would just rather wait for him to explain it, rather than drawing conclusions that he is a bigot.
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I didn't say he was a bigot. However, I did clearly state twice that to mention being transgendered in reference to a question about a family history of mental illness was a bigoted thing to say. Maybe if you were transgendered you'd get it. Although, I certainly don't need to be to understand that someone saying this in this context is completely inappropriate.

Anyway, moving on since it isn't pertinent and never was in context to what he's asking...

After re-reading the thread -- I am thinking I might just take the high road and find her more help and work with her more instead of wasting more energy, time, money and emotion. Maybe I just need to breath, step back and understand that she is struggling, and help her instead of making this worst.
I will find a local mediator and set up a time for the 3 of us to sit down. Work on a written co-parent plan that will help our son. Plus-- I will try and help her with her life, and try and put myself in her shoes ( like I have done so many times) and help.
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I actually don't quite agree with this.

I'm not sure per your earlier statement about you guys reaching an agreement (with court involvement) if you had mentioned this mental illness to the court but, although its nice that you want to help her, it really isn't about her or about you, for that matter. Its about your son.

This might be the way to go...certainly if she's agreeable, its a great first step...but in your earlier posts, I got the impression that she has something seriously wrong with her and is degenerating over time in a way that having severe affects on your son's behavior and coping skills.

So if she's not getting the professional help she needs and is getting worse, I'd be seeking legal advice on how to proceed. At some point, you may have to bring a motion before the court due to her continuing decline in parental fitness due to her illness. Maybe that's not now...maybe it is. At the end of the day, if your kid is starting to show serious problems like this, you may need to take some action before the court. You might need to ask for permission to take him to a therapist.

Its time to start compiling documentation. Missed access, erratic behavior, issues with your son's acting out, etc. If this escalates, its unfortunate but you may need to take some immediate legal action. I can tell you that if my child was exhibiting the behavior that you've stated, I'd be as worried as you are and I'd be checking out my legal options.

In the immediate though, trying to reduce the conflict however you can is a wonderful idea. Conflict between the two of you will definitely contribute to the problem.
 
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