Newbie-- im a sponge--

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AikidoWins

New member
Hi everyone and thank you for allowing me to join such an amazing forum. I was introduced to this site from a friend. I wanted to introduce myself, and give you a quick background on the issues I have been facing and hoping to get help , advice—options. HELP
After reading the post by Straittohell –some thoughts for newbies and the veterans – I have shortened my post and took away many details. You can ask questions—I will answer.
I have been separated with my baby’s mother for 3.5-4 years now and we have a 50/50 arrangement. We had a written agreement but she took me to court after that was signed. We have a Friday to Friday arrangement. My ex has many mental illnesses, and I know this because I was the one to get her help- taking her to and from the doctor and paying for treatment/counselling. Over the years there has been small issues that would have our son come home to me and it would take a few days for him to settle. The ex and I tried working things out recently building our family again—but I think her intentions were no true. A few years ago- the ex called CAS and made claims I was beating my son- turned out to be false and case was dropped. More recently she tried to do the same—Called CAS and claimed I was abusing him—AGAIN – the case was dropped as I only used discipline.
So- I know my ex is mentally and emotionally abusing our son- She has called CAS twice that was a false claim or they felt our son was in zero harm.. What can I do. I feel the 50/50 thing isn’t working and should I go for soul custody—I need help here – options—what do I do
 
unless you have absolute proof of the mental and emotional abuse you don't stand a chance. You said you used "discipline" obviously she disagreed with it and was within her right to call CAS.

You really don't have a case for sole. People are allowed to call CAS. What other abuse do you think she is doing? If its only calling CAS twice then that isn't enough. Your son taking a few days to settle at your place could be normal or is it just recent?
 
within our court order, the other partent may call tuesdays and thursdays at 6-7pm. On these calls his mother places him on speaker phone and tells him what to say to me-- just a yesterday-- our son was crying and telling me he misses me and loves me and in the background I hear " you dont have to tell him that now hang up" and he said I love you and hung up.
the " discipline" was from our son stabbing a child in the back of his head with a metal object.. clearly our son is lashing out ..
the first time "discipline" was from stealing a ipod from school.
The settling part is not recent and has always happened-- but the behaviors of the mother are escalating and I have recorded a pattern and Im just worried that the pattern will only get worst.
 
So you and your ex broke up, got back together recently, then broke up again. She has called CAS twice because of your "disciplining" your son, CAS closed the file. Now you want sole custody because you think she is "emotionally abusing" your son. Nothing you have presented here rises to the level of abuse, certainly nothing you've presented here suggests that your ex should not have custody. To me, this sounds like you are both being vindictive and using the child against each other.

You and your ex both need to focus more on parenting your child and less on your conflicts with each other. If you can't communicate well, seek help from a mediator or counsellor, but don't waste CAS and the courts' time with this.
 
Mittzu said:
within our court order, the other partent may call tuesdays and thursdays at 6-7pm. On these calls his mother places him on speaker phone and tells him what to say to me-- just a yesterday-- our son was crying and telling me he misses me and loves me and in the background I hear " you dont have to tell him that now hang up" and he said I love you and hung up.
the " discipline" was from our son stabbing a child in the back of his head with a metal object.. clearly our son is lashing out ..
the first time "discipline" was from stealing a ipod from school.
The settling part is not recent and has always happened-- but the behaviors of the mother are escalating and I have recorded a pattern and Im just worried that the pattern will only get worst.
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oh geesh not good. Okay the settling part is normal. He just needs time to adjust from one household to the other so that's not something that you can use. Of course he will say he loves you and misses you, your his father.

I cannot see from what you have posted why there is a good reason for you to get sole custody. I know you probably don't want to post to much and that is normal, but from the facts given so far I cannot see you getting it.

The listening to the calls isn't good but until he gets older, not sure what you can do about it. Unless the court order says the calls are made in private you maybe out of luck. I would send an email to mom and say you do not agree with her listening in on speaker phone to your conversations. That way if she sends one back saying she will listen if she wants or whatever, that's evidence.

Stealing is one thing, stabbing another child in the back of the head is a different ballgame. What happened with that? Were the police called? Was CAS called by the other kids parents to report that there is some sort of issue with your son? I really hope your son realizes now what he did was terrible. Have you suggested that maybe your son needs some sort of counselling or outside help? Is his mothers mental illness something that is genetic? Could he be having symptoms of that?

I know you want what is best for your son, but you just need more then what you have posted.
 
One thing I will suggest is that if you guys have 50/50, stop with the phone calls while on the other parent's time. My ex and I very rarely call the kids while they are at the other parents house, because we find that it takes the focus away from their time there.

Just a personal choice for us, but it limits friction.
 
stripes said:
So you and your ex broke up, got back together recently, then broke up again. She has called CAS twice because of your "disciplining" your son, CAS closed the file. Now you want sole custody because you think she is "emotionally abusing" your son. Nothing you have presented here rises to the level of abuse, certainly nothing you've presented here suggests that your ex should not have custody. To me, this sounds like you are both being vindictive and using the child against each other.

You and your ex both need to focus more on parenting your child and less on your conflicts with each other. If you can't communicate well, seek help from a mediator or counsellor, but don't waste CAS and the courts' time with this.
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I am not seeking soul custody based on the " emotional " abuse. I am basing this on the fact that her mental illness is getting out of control and I am seeing a pattern that is escalating. I have known his mother for 15 years, and I see her struggling and having a hard time raising our son. We ( mom and dad ) have sat down many times to go over a plan to co-parent, but due to her illness I see her not following our plan. She is running to CAS because she is trying to hurt me- ( she blames me for everything) and I know this because she yells at me--- " its your fault". The only one getting hurt here is our son. The emotional and mental abuse is getting really bad. I see it- and I have many witnesses watching our poor son getting hurt. What can I focus on?- How can I get her to see whats she is doing?
 
Stealing is one thing, stabbing another child in the back of the head is a different ballgame. What happened with that? Were the police called? Was CAS called by the other kids parents to report that there is some sort of issue with your son? I really hope your son realizes now what he did was terrible. Have you suggested that maybe your son needs some sort of counselling or outside help? Is his mothers mental illness something that is genetic? Could he be having symptoms of that?

Yes her mother is a Hoarder. And her sisters daughter is a now cross gender man/woman. To my understanding yes the cops were called and he was talked to about how serious this was. As per the CAS -- I never got any information about that because I didn't have custody of our son after the fact-- it was his mothers weeks--
 
The listening to the calls isn't good but until he gets older, not sure what you can do about it. Unless the court order says the calls are made in private you maybe out of luck. I would send an email to mom and say you do not agree with her listening in on speaker phone to your conversations. That way if she sends one back saying she will listen if she wants or whatever, that's evidence.

I will do this today. Thank you

One thing I will suggest is that if you guys have 50/50, stop with the phone calls while on the other parent's time. My ex and I very rarely call the kids while they are at the other parents house, because we find that it takes the focus away from their time there.

I will suggest this in the e-mail as well, or should I send two?
 
Straittohell said:
One thing I will suggest is that if you guys have 50/50, stop with the phone calls while on the other parent's time. My ex and I very rarely call the kids while they are at the other parents house, because we find that it takes the focus away from their time there.

Just a personal choice for us, but it limits friction.
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In addition I'd like to add that the phonecalls show a complete lack of respect for the other parent's parenting time. You had your turn and now allow her to have her time with the kiddo.

In my own personal experience I have never interfered nor undermined my ex. If I have a valid concern I will approach on my own time. When boundaries are respected then conflicts usually decrease same.

I'm surprised CAS wasn't contacted as protocol when your child acted in a violent manner. Your kid is lashing out but you cannot blame this on your ex's mental illness. You mentioned she is being treated so she is getting help.

If you bring this to court it will be a waste of time and money for you all. Contact CAS for some referrals for child therapy. Your kid needs help ......
 
wantmyfreedom said:
In addition I'd like to add that the phonecalls show a complete lack of respect for the other parent's parenting time. You had your turn and now allow her to have her time with the kiddo.

In my own personal experience I have never interfered nor undermined my ex. If I have a valid concern I will approach on my own time. When boundaries are respected then conflicts usually decrease same.

I'm surprised CAS wasn't contacted as protocol when your child acted in a violent manner. Your kid is lashing out but you cannot blame this on your ex's mental illness. You mentioned she is being treated so she is getting help.

If you bring this to court it will be a waste of time and money for you all. Contact CAS for some referrals for child therapy. Your kid needs help ......
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I think it's important to clarify that not ALL phone calls show a complete lack of respect.

Mandatory, regular phone calls that are required definitely intrude on space.

However, my ex and I don't PREVENT our kids from initiating phone calls if they want to share something exciting about their day. So much of these situations can be managed by common sense. One of my daughter's teeth fell out the other day while she was at my ex's house. She called me using my ex's phone. We chatted about it a bit, and then I didn't see or talk to her until about 3 days later when she arrived at my house as scheduled.

In my opinion, requiring the kid to call one parent while in the custody of the other creates tension between the parents, and also makes the child anxious.
When the structure is removed, and the kids know that they can call either parent when they need it, they get to feel like it isn't an obligation.

The same concept goes for extracurricular events in public. If my ex is taking my kids to hockey or soccer on her week, I do indeed show up to watch, I respect the boundaries and recognize that she is calling all of the shots, because it is her week. We'll sometimes sit near each other. Other times, she'll situate herself at the other end of the area for one reason or another. Either way, our kids are free to interact with either parent, but they clearly understand that they are there with a 'lead' parent for that given week. For example, we were at my son's hockey last week during my ex's time, and my daughter was there watching the proceedings as well. She came up to me and asked me if I could buy her a snack. I told her she had to ask her mom because it was her mom that best knew what she had eaten that day, and it a snack was permitted.

One might look at me tying phone calls to extracurriculars and question the connection, but I'm going to suggest that they are VERY similar examples of some key principles that effective co-parenting entails:

1) Mutual respect
2) Boundaries
3) Flexibility
4) Putting the kids first

You have noted that your ex has some mental health challenges. That might very well be true. Everyone that knows my ex and I suspect that she has been clinically depressed for 10 years, but she refuses to do anything about it. As a result, I've had to carefully consider my interactions with her, and try to avoid conflict points, and subtly remove opportunities for stress. Let me tell you, attempting to reduce your ex's custody is NOT going to make things better. If she is struggling as a parent to follow the plan, ask yourself what you can do to help her. It is a delicate balance for sure. My girlfriend gets frustrated with me at times because she feels that I give my ex a 'pass', but I'm not helping my ex for her benefit, I'm helping her for my kid's benefit.
 
Your kid is lashing out but you cannot blame this on your ex's mental illness. You mentioned she is being treated so she is getting help.

I thought she was getting help-- but turns out, her words not mine-- " I stopped helping myself, I couldn't afford it any longer."



In addition I'd like to add that the phone calls show a complete lack of respect for the other parent's parenting time. You had your turn and now allow her to have her time with the kiddo.

In my own personal experience I have never interfered nor undermined my ex

I have never placed any phone call on speaker -- in fact when his mother calls, I either ask him to go to his room, or if its nice outside I go putter around the yard. This has been a concern of mine for a long time that she places me on speaker.

I'm surprised CAS wasn't contacted as protocol when your child acted in a violent manner. Your kid is lashing out but you cannot blame this on your ex's mental illness. You mentioned she is being treated so she is getting help.

As I said-- I am unsure if CAS got involved-- This happened on the Friday, and our son went back to his mothers, so, since this happened-- I have not seen my son in 3 weeks, and spoke to him once on the phone...with his mother listening and telling him what to say. That is emotional abuse. There is many many more examples of this abuse. About 4 weeks ago-- our son came home to me and around dinner, he started crying.. What is going on is his mother is showing him texts for our past ( when we were in court ) telling my son that I am a monster-- nasty father. That I don't love him. I have proof of this.
 
May I add-- Our son knows he can call his mother ANYTIME when I have him. and he has --- but-- our son has said to me that he wants to call me-- but mother doesn't allow him to use her phone... but he can use it for games.....

Let me tell you, attempting to reduce your ex's custody is NOT going to make things better. If she is struggling as a parent to follow the plan, ask yourself what you can do to help her

What more can I do? Every time I do help her, she just throws a wrench in our lives and causes drama. And this time-- the drama resulted in me not seeing our son for 3 weeks and only hearing his voice once.
 
Mittzu said:
May I add-- Our son knows he can call his mother ANYTIME when I have him. and he has --- but-- our son has said to me that he wants to call me-- but mother doesn't allow him to use her phone... but he can use it for games.....

Let me tell you, attempting to reduce your ex's custody is NOT going to make things better. If she is struggling as a parent to follow the plan, ask yourself what you can do to help her

What more can I do? Every time I do help her, she just throws a wrench in our lives and causes drama. And this time-- the drama resulted in me not seeing our son for 3 weeks and only hearing his voice once.
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Please properly quote what we are saying. You're copying and pasting our text into your own posts with nothing that separates your own words from ours. It forces people to re-read the posts before.

Have you taken her to court over the access denials?
 
I will stop copy n paste... so I just press the quote ( gray button ) ???


And no -- I have not taken her to court. This is the first time of denial
 
have been separated with my baby’s mother for 3.5-4 years now and we have a 50/50 arrangement. We had a written agreement but she took me to court after that was signed.
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What process was used to determine custody the first time? Did you guys mediate, did you have a custody assessement and/or trial or did you just reach an agreement before a trial?

Also, during the initial custody battle, did you bring up this mental illness and was it reviewed?

And her sisters daughter is a now cross gender man/woman.
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lol...What connection does this have to her supposed mental illness? Being gay, lesbian, transgendered, etc is not a mental disorder. That was actually pretty offensive and bigoted.

Is his mothers mental illness something that is genetic? Could he be having symptoms of that?
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Or maybe he's acting out because he's got two divorced parents who can't come to a reasonable custody arrangement and are trashing each other and at each other's throats.

I'm very curious if she was evaluated during the first custody agreement for parental fitness due to this supposed mental disorder. I'm curious as to why it was overlooked or whether it was reviewed at all.
 
Mittzu said:
I will stop copy n paste... so I just press the quote ( gray button ) ???


And no -- I have not taken her to court. This is the first time of denial
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Yes, the Quote button is best. If you don't want to quote the entire message, press the Quote button, but you will see that you can delete whatever you want within the Quote brackets that look like this: [ ]

If she does this again, and you have documented emails showing her protest of the matter, you need to take the matter to court.
 
Pursuinghappiness said:


What process was used to determine custody the first time? Did you guys mediate, did you have a custody assessement and/or trial or did you just reach an agreement before a trial?

Also, during the initial custody battle, did you bring up this mental illness and was it reviewed?



lol...What connection does this have to her supposed mental illness? Being gay, lesbian, transgendered, etc is not a mental disorder. That was actually pretty offensive and bigoted.



Or maybe he's acting out because he's got two divorced parents who can't come to a reasonable custody arrangement and are trashing each other and at each other's throats.

I'm very curious if she was evaluated during the first custody agreement for parental fitness due to this supposed mental disorder. I'm curious as to why it was overlooked or whether it was reviewed at all.
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You might be reading too much into what the OP is saying about the transgendered. As far as you know, the OP is simply pointing out that there is a lot of change and confusion in the little guy's life, and the new reality of someone close experiencing a gender identity clarification might add to the child's stress.

I think you were a bit quick to jump on the 'why' he might have mentioned it, and it wasn't fair to presume it was coming form a bigoted place.
 
You might be reading too much into what the OP is saying about the transgendered. As far as you know, the OP is simply pointing out that there is a lot of change and confusion in the little guy's life, and the new reality of someone close experiencing a gender identity clarification might add to the child's stress.

I think you were a bit quick to jump on the 'why' he might have mentioned it, and it wasn't fair to presume it was coming form a bigoted place.
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Uh...actually I read exactly what he said. Another poster asked if there was a history of mental illness in the family and he responded with that.

If you're suggesting that this kid is whacking people in the back of the head and stealing IPODs because his ex's niece is transgendered, I'm sorry but that's a load of crap.

I have many gay friends that are raising extremely brilliant well-behaved kids...one of those parents is transgendered and I find what this poster said bigoted and offensive. Being transgendered is not a mental illness and has nothing to do with a family history of mental illness ....period. Its irrelevant, has no connection to the subject matter and should have never been mentioned in this context period.

If you want relevance, however, look up the child behavioral statistics on kids with bickering, flaming divorced parents who regularly bash each other in front of the kid. That would be relevant to this discussion.
 
Pursuinghappiness said:
Uh...actually I read exactly what he said. Another poster asked if there was a history of mental illness in the family and he responded with that.

If you're suggesting that this kid is whacking people in the back of the head and stealing IPODs because his ex's niece is transgendered, I'm sorry but that's a load of crap.

I have many gay friends that are raising extremely brilliant well-behaved kids...one of those parents is transgendered and I find what this poster said bigoted and offensive. Being transgendered is not a mental illness and has nothing to do with a family history of mental illness ....period. Its irrelevant, has no connection to the subject matter and should have never been mentioned in this context period.

If you want relevance, however, look up the child behavioral statistics on kids with bickering, flaming divorced parents who regularly bash each other in front of the kid. That would be relevant to this discussion.
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I have no doubt that the primary cause of the child's distress is the high conflict relationship between mom and dad.

I just won't understand how these two sentences:

"Yes her mother is a Hoarder. And her sisters daughter is a now cross gender man/woman.:

Automatically make the guy a bigot for mentioning it. I would have loved it if he explained the relevance of mentioning these things, but he didn't, and you inferred that he was raising it in judgement, while I inferred that he was simply stating that the kid has a lot of change going on in his life.

The point is, neither one of us can say exactly why the OP mentioned this, I would just rather wait for him to explain it, rather than drawing conclusions that he is a bigot.
 
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