Janus:
1. I know my posts get long BUT I have had duty counsels say the same thing, lawyers say the same thing, family justice counselors say the same thing, an arbitrator say the same thing, members of the Hear the CHild society in BC say the same thing... The legal and social norm is a for children of a stay at home parent primarily resides with that parent.
2. If financially left alone, I could have stayed paying my bills. That is I made enough money to pay my bills. I didn't have extra. My mortgage was my biggest bill. A bill I couldn't get out of because my house was upside down - by too much for me to cover : $75,000 such that I wasn't approved for a loan to downsize. So in this very real scenario - suddenly placing a family maintenance payment that was more than my mortgage on me BANKRUPTED me. The Bankruptcy Trustee said it, but I know a head of time because my father was a retired accountant who prepared my financial statement to the court. Had I not been burdened with payment I would not be bankrupt today. BUT the point is, has other stay at home parents on this form ever been burdened with such a payment. And I didn't get off paying support - instead I am bankrupt since 2013 and am ionly scheduled to be release this year. THAT"S how severe an impact it had. You are only supposed to be bankrupt for 9 or 21 months. Its impacted my ability to keep a lawyer.
The way we budgeted in our home while together was I paid all the bills and her salary was all the extras: hockey tournaments, taking the kids to movies, going out for dinner once a month, we rarely vacationed and it was mostly just visiting family, we had to take a ferry to go anywhere and her salary paid for things like the ferry rides, all the optional stuff etc... My budget paid the bills - so on my own I could pay the bills. To even qualify for the mortgage which was the max we could get, we had to borrow money from a brother-in-law, so alone I wouldn't have been able to qualify - that's how we financed 3 years prior to separation - it couldn't be undone. Get it: yes support payments bankrupted me. I know its technically not supposed to happen, in reality it did happen. Judge was even told by my lawyer, if you make him pay anything, he's immediately in a bankrupt position - judge did it anyways. My parents kept me afloat for a year paying the support payments they knew I couldn't afford (my father was an accountant) and after a year, with the situation not resolved about where the children primarily reside, I was bankrupt. Later a judge would complain that my parents didn't continue paying - I'm not joking.
3. I was bankrupt. At that point on work imposed leave. With 60% of my income because of it. I could not afford to rent a home and office. I had to move in with my parents, in another city because that is the worst case scenario I am describing - its not just losing a house. Its despite being an at home parent being financially bullied out of my children's lives. There weren't options in the isolated town we were in and my lawyer was heavy into real estate so I had expert advice on the situation.
4. I'm bankrupt. AS you said you can't get out of paying ordered support. She is employed. THis scenario created a situation where three kids were with her all the time. It increased the already high amount being paid. On top of that, a court did increase above the table amounts. I go back on leave again because of stress - but it was employer ordered, not my choice. But again the backdrop is that I am stay at home parent, she's putting kids in daycare and eventually making the oldest a caregiver when he turned 12 - against his will
5. All advice given from the Hear the Child Society of BC is that 12 year olds are listened too. AS well as lawyers, etc... The BC Legal Society instructed me to appeal stating it should be overturn. But guess what? I couldn't afford an appeal at this point.
6. Stay at home vs Work at home. Work at home implies that my work would interfere with parenting or care of the home. It didn't. Why because my scenario was, and my employer even wrote the court, to explain I made my own hours around the kids schedules, even if they suddenly got sick half way through a school day...my kids never saw me work. So what's confusing? A mother providing home daycare claims she's a stay at home mom; but the reality is that job keeps them from their kids at times - its even an obligation if another child not her own is in crisis - I didn't have that at all. I didn't have to balance anything - simply work when kids in school - had holidays off, including summers - no daycare ever. What's confusing is holding it against me for being valuable.
6. It was 50-50 but that caused financial havoc such that everything was lost and I couldn't afford to stay in the same town. At the same time, it was emotionally devastating to my children who were upset with the situation having at first going to daycare, then being left home alone - WHILE knowing their father is home and wanting to be with him - but being forbidden. Why forbidden? BEcause of the kids were with me, mom wouldn't get paid. And during this time, my kids would relay to my how I was trashed by their mother, they were forbidden from talking to me, talking about me, from ringing my doorbell, etc...that was the 50-50 period. Then I relocated for financial reasons imposed on me, kids would call allot the first month, mom took phone from them, mom took the internet router with her whereever she went so they couldn't contact my, mom then arranged for me to have a weekly call only to insist it be monitored which my kids hated, Monitors would then lie about the phone calls unknowing that I taped everything and I presented the court the recordings proving the false affidavits and the judge ignored it and let it continue. Sure, there is allot more to my story, plenty more. BUt before I get all into it I'm trying to find at least another stay at home parent who has been through the basics: had 50-50 imposed on them, had to pay their ex who would put kids in daycare, then leave them home alone, etc... I can go on and on about the alienation but how much do I until I find someone who started out the same as me, which is the YSB advice for me to find. You're a senior member: how many stay at home moms or fathers on here have been through this? I haven't seen my daughter in 5 years and my sons haven't seen her in 4 - i struggle, my sons struggle with. One son even has PTSD from his time with his mother - that's how serious the situation is.
What am I going to do about this ongoing situation? How am I going to deal with my sons impacted by this same alienation? Well I follow all professional advice: the advice was to find someone, if they exist, on this form that has been through similar. I suggested to the folks at YSB that I won't find such help but they told me to try anyways.
I know I'm being me focused when I list what's gone on and continues to go on - I'm not the most articulate but the point is I have two sons struggling. Struggling with a mother who keeps their sister from them. They think they will never see their sister again. They know how their mother is and know she is being turned against them. Its not all about me. I'm struggling with failing my kids.
