new here and need advise

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tugofwar

tugofwar

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Hello, I will start by saying I left my ex with our baby when she was 5 months old and now she's almost 15 months. I left because my ex was not happy, didn't want to have a baby so i left to get the support we both needed. I went to a lawyer to get a seperation agreement made up and asked for sole custody because he did not seem interested in having anything to do with our child. His parents forced him to call me to make arrangements to see her every 2-3 weeks. So far he has given me about $200 for her and nothing else. He agreed to me having sole custody before. He wanted to settle the monies in the house without lawyers and was going to sell, then decided to keep it. He really thought I would settle for a dollar amt he thought was fair and will not get a house appraisal. On top of that, he finally went to see a lawyer and now wants shared custody. I don't think this is in our daughters best interest. I really feel he doesn't want to pay cs and day care costs. His parents are going to be the ones watching her, not him. He couldn't even get her a birthday present. So sad. HELP!
 
well without knowing the whole story joint custody is in the childs best interest. A child needs both parents and maybe know he is finally waking up to that fact. Is there a court order for CS? If there isn't then get into court and get one.
You say that his parents are going to be the ones watching her which is not a bad thing. You also say that you feel he doesn't want to pay for day care. Well to me his parents watching her are better then the daycare you want for her.

Some guys just need a kick in the arse to step up to the plate and be a father, especially if the child was not planned.
 
I know this is scary, to have the father of your child not be involved, and then all of a sudden want to. Maybe he has changed, maybe he does want to be her dad. If you can talk with him maybe it is time to find out for yourself. People make mistakes and it is not too late for him to be a good dad.

Without knowing the reasons why you are against shared custody I can't really give you any more advice than that.
 
Can you two communicate directly with each other? Have you successfully in the past? Have you given your ex the opportunity to be involved in decision making(however small) regarding your child and he has not bothered or refused?

If you have "defacto" sole custody already which means for all intents a purposes, you have been forced to make all day to day decisions alone it is likely to continue and be ordered by a judge, and your ex has likely been advised of this by a lawyer.

Perhaps, depending on your situation(I have no idea what it is) you can reassure him that you have your child's best interests at heart.

Sole custody with liberal visitation by the other parent sounds like a reasonable solution. Perhaps your ex has been discussing reducing his child support obligation and has learned that custody is shared 50/50 he will owe significantly less. I don't know your situation.

Most people on here have acrimonious situations so that is why I am even suggesting sole custody might be appropriate. Joint custody is only recommended where parents can communicate well in the best interests of the child.

Being in the legal system for years has taught me that the earlier you can hammer out an agreement, the better it is for you and your child. Don't allow it to continue with the lawyers. Be straight with the lawyer that you will need to have quick settlement and you won't litigate in court.
 
Sole custody with liberal visitation by the other parent sounds like a reasonable solution. Perhaps your ex has been discussing reducing his child support obligation and has learned that custody is shared 50/50 he will owe significantly less. I don't know your situation.

We can communicate about regular everyday things but have not been able to discuss any parenting about our daughter. She was somewhat planned, but when she arrived and while I was pregnant got no support from him. He went as far as to not want her because she was a girl. I am looking out for the best interest of our daughter and being with me is the best. I would never want him not to see her or be involved in his life. I went as far as driving her down for him and his parents to see her for the first few months. He shows no interest in her. Doesn't even know who's watching her right now as far as babysitting. He doesn't email or ask how she's doing. Can go weeks without seeing her. I never stopped him from seeing her. He does have mental issues ( not that Im using that against him) but I think he can't show feelings or affection towards her.
As far as babysitting, she's been introduced to other children her age and I have noticed a big difference in her attitude and happiness. She's learning how to share etc and Im extremely happy with the difference I see in her already. She needs to interact with other children and not old people all the time.
 
He also mentions he doesn't want her to be "spoiled" or treated like a "princess". He has no idea how I have been raising her, last time I wanted to discuss this he blew up. I don't think he wants shared custody for the right reasons. She is our responsiblity not his parents or anyone else. Im am not going for sole custody just for the financial aspect. His parents are alot older.
 
I have not involved him in any decisions involving her up to now because I know he trusts that Im doing the right thing otherwise Im sure he would have said differently and like I said showed no interest. A few times she had a fever and never followed up to see how she was doing afterwards. Maybe in time he might want to be more of a good father but I don't see that happening right now and don't want to take the chance that one day he will wake up. He can see her as much as he wants, I will not stop that but I am happy with her current babysitting arrangements. He didn't show an interest in her until he talked to a lawyer. I know he's in a financial pinch but so am I as I have debt too that I would like to get rid of. I have been seeking professional help with all the emotional stuff I have been experiencing and have been able to think outside the box. That's how far I am willing to go for my daughter, I want to be the best possible parent to her and provide her with all ( emotional, physical and developemental) things she needs to be an independant, self confident, happy person.
 
tugofwar said:
I want to be the best possible parent to her and provide her with all ( emotional, physical and developemental) things she needs to be an independant, self confident, happy person.
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The research shows that

i)reduction in conflict b/w the parents is imperative for the child
ii)there should be lots of contact with both parents

If these two things alone can happen, children have a very good chance of transitioning out of a nuclear home and growing up happy and healthy.

So one of the "things she needs..." is her Dad. Too bad so sad Dad is not being Dad.
 
I know she will love him unconditionally and I don't want to stop either one of them from forming a bond but up to this point, one has not yet formed. He is more a stranger to her and it's not up to me or his parents to have to force him to form one with her. I can't decide that shared parenting is the way to go at this point because I don't want to say maybe things will change if they don't. If in time we can set aside our differences and we work on parenting our child how we want and not what everyone else thinks, then there might be a chance of it but Im not taking that chance that maybe things will change right now. I have my daughters best interests at heart. No where have I said or written I don't want them to have a relationship. Just by the past and still to this day I don't feel he is putting her first on his priority list. I have been providing and caring for her on my own up to this point and I know that I can continue on giving her what she needs to have a healthy upbringing.
 
I think based on his interaction so far you have a case against shared custody. Not that I think that is in her best interests though. Perhaps you can ask for a schedule that increases his time with her as she gets older, both in the total amount of time, as well as the length of visits.

Has he been taking her for overnights? If he has, then I think offering him every other weekend and a visit one weeknight every week is a good start. You can write it up so that if this works well until she is say 2 years old, then he can have her for an additional night, maybe Friday night as well as Saturday and Sunday (if he can drop her off to daycare). Or you could write in that she does not have to go to daycare on one day of the week, that she spends that day with her grandparents and that night with her dad.

As she gets older you can move towards a shared custody arrangement, with the stipulation that he actually participate in her care and be a responsible dad by picking her up for visitations etc. That way, you both have time to adjust to the new situation, and he has to show responsibility to "earn" his time with her.

I really think being reasonable with a plan like this will show you are thinking about your childs best interests and acknowledging the importance of the realtionship of father and daughter. You are not denying him his time, but challenging him to show that he really wants it. I don't think the court would automatically award shared custody based on his past of scant involvement (and no CS) so this is a plan that would be acceptible in court as well.

Good luck!
 
Well my ex contacted me tonight at 7pm wanting to see his daughter tomorrow. I really wish he gave me more advanced notice as we have plans set for tomorrow. I am affraid of emailing him back and saying we have plans just for him to turn around and say that I am denying him to see his daughter. This is not right. He can go weeks without seeing her then can send me an email a few hours in advance. Call me crazy but I don't think it's fair. I don't want to deny him but this is getting out of hand. Help. What do I do? I don't want to set a schedule unless he wants to.
 
tugofwar said:
Well my ex contacted me tonight at 7pm wanting to see his daughter tomorrow. I really wish he gave me more advanced notice as we have plans set for tomorrow. I am affraid of emailing him back and saying we have plans just for him to turn around and say that I am denying him to see his daughter. This is not right. He can go weeks without seeing her then can send me an email a few hours in advance. Call me crazy but I don't think it's fair. I don't want to deny him but this is getting out of hand. Help. What do I do? I don't want to set a schedule unless he wants to.
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I would change your plans this one time and let him see her. Put him on notice though in writing that from now on you want, say, 24hrs notice. That way it makes you look like the reasonable person and if it goes to court it is more proof for you that you are really trying to make sure your daughter and her father have visits.
 
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