New baby on the way. Can I end Spousal Support

[mcdreamy]

YOU needed a year after separation to get to a healthy place in your head. The OP found companionship much sooner - Good on him!

Clearly your focus wasn't 100% on the child - you were having mommy and bf sleepover play dates lol. All that to say, its easy to present words strung together that create an image of what you want to portray. I however don't personally believe there is a right or wrong time to commence or explore a new relationship. I do actually find it rather bizarre to have a relationship with someone and "hide" it from a child/your children. Nor would I ever engage in a relationship where I couldn't be open and forthcoming with my children or his.

Most therapists/studies on divorce and successful second marriages don't agree with you, and recommend at minimum a year post divorce for healing. I would suspect the children need some time to adjust and adapt as well.

And, no doubt, I am likely more selective than you when it comes to whom I would introduce my toddler too. I err on the side of caution.

An interesting discussion/thread that we should open in the Support forum for those recently separated or just starting the separation process and joining the forum - how soon is too soon? Tips on how to handle, etc.

 

[Serene]

Most therapists/studies on divorce and successful second marriages don't agree with you, and recommend at minimum a year post divorce for healing. I would suspect the children need some time to adjust and adapt as well.

Don't agree with me on what? I never provided my opinion on when it is appropriate or inappropriate to commence a new relationship.

And, no doubt, I am likely more selective than you when it comes to whom I would introduce my toddler too. I err on the side of caution.

Actually, you did introduce your child to someone, you just didn't offer or reveal that the person was your lover... you presented the person as a friend.

As an FYI, I didn't start a relationship with anyone and conceal it. So when you infer how selective I am, please know that I am quite selective as I don't commence relationships I have to conceal.

An interesting discussion/thread that we should open in the Support forum for those recently separated or just starting the separation process and joining the forum - how soon is too soon? Tips on how to handle, etc.

Sounds like a good idea.

 

[blinkandimgone]

Anew again...how much are you paying in SS?

 

[DowntroddenDad]

Most therapists/studies on divorce and successful second marriages don't agree with you, and recommend at minimum a year post divorce for healing. I would suspect the children need some time to adjust and adapt as well.

And, no doubt, I am likely more selective than you when it comes to whom I would introduce my toddler too. I err on the side of caution.

An interesting discussion/thread that we should open in the Support forum for those recently separated or just starting the separation process and joining the forum - how soon is too soon? Tips on how to handle, etc.

I think that what is appropriate in terms of introducing your children depends on several factors, how long it has been since separation, how old and mature the children are, how well they have adjusted etc.

I would suggest that being cautious and deliberate is a good thing. My kids did not meet everyone I dated, or even know that I was dating. I chose to keep that to myself, until there was an established relationship that I knew would last. Yes, it hasn't always worked out. My kids did get attached to a woman who I was with for 10 months, and when it ended I think we were all a little dissapointed. But my kids are older, and one is dating herself, so it is much different than toddlers.

My current GF has been very slow and cautious. I didn't meet her kids (much younger than mine)for many months, then when I did it was as a friend. For many months, when I spent overnights there, it was on the couch. The older child was a little confused by this, but the younger child wasn't ready, but this was a way to make a gradual transition. It wasn't until she was ready to declare us a couple to her friends and extended family that she had the discussion, and by that time the kids and I had bonded. That was at least a six month process.

There are many variables. With my kids, only the oldest lives with me, and their mother has moved on, so it is a different situation than my GF, where the kids are younger, live 80% with their mother, witnessed abuse during the marriage etc.

I too would be very very careful with toddlers.

 

[Straittohell]

I'm just still bowled over by how ridiculous some people have been on this thread. This guy asked a pretty simple question that actually had a pretty simple answer.

"New baby on the way. Can I end Spousal Support?"

The answer was:

"No, your new baby has nothing to do with your old obligations, good luck."

Instead, people had to pile on and make assumptions about how soon this guy got involved with his girlfriend after separation (which was apparently years after), and lecture him on how he shouldn't have gotten his girlfriend pregnant in the first place. The lectures were almost hilarious in that they assumed he was an idiot for getting her pregnant by accident, or an idiot for doing it deliberately. Like I said earlier, sometimes things happen. This poor fellow was just trying to figure out what his options are, possibly while coping with the concept of starting over as a parent, and a bunch of people flat-out just shit on him.

Seriously, guys, we can do better.

 

[Serene]

I'm just still bowled over by how ridiculous some people have been on this thread. This guy asked a pretty simple question that actually had a pretty simple answer.

"New baby on the way. Can I end Spousal Support?"

The answer was:

"No, your new baby has nothing to do with your old obligations, good luck."

Instead, people had to pile on and make assumptions about how soon this guy got involved with his girlfriend after separation (which was apparently years after), and lecture him on how he shouldn't have gotten his girlfriend pregnant in the first place. The lectures were almost hilarious in that they assumed he was an idiot for getting her pregnant by accident, or an idiot for doing it deliberately. Like I said earlier, sometimes things happen. This poor fellow was just trying to figure out what his options are, possibly while coping with the concept of starting over as a parent, and a bunch of people flat-out just shit on him.

Seriously, guys, we can do better.

I agree with straittohell! Where is the "like" button?

 

[rockscan]

New baby on the way. Can I end Spousal Support

My father left my mother for another woman which clouded the situation but I was happy there wasnt anymore fighting. What happened after was more my mothers issue than his. We wanted her to meet someone and have a life. When I met my fathers last partner I was struck by how caring and considerate he was. At 35, it was still weird but I got over it.

My partner had been split (separation/divorce) for almost three years when we met. His teen daughters had met a woman who was a little inappropriate with them about liking their dad which made them uncomfortable but at least the idea of him dating was discussed. The older one was disappointed I wasnt his coworker they had met and adored at the same party as inappropriate lady. He told them five months in to our relationship because he wanted them to meet me. They live five hours away and dont spend much time with him. They also havent been able to get to know me because of moms interference with "your father cares more about her" "hes only here because of her" "im not comfortable with her around my kids" etc. now that we live together, Im sure there will be more push back. Their mother will never end up with another person so they will never understand their fathers need to move on. We still get the "well mom isnt with with anyone, why do you need a gf?" Understanding the adult reasons why the relationship failed is at the heart of the situation. Theyre just starting to understand that sometimes some people shouldnt be together. How do you explain that to a child?

As someone who had a parent with a new partner and now the partner of a divorced man, its not easy no matter what you do. But if you keep the lines of communication open and dont try to influence kids' feelings either way, its a good start.

And as an added comment, my two nieces didnt handle my brother (their uncle) breaking up with his gf that they adored. You cant explain to kids how adult relationships break down. They just knew she was uncles gf and then a few years later she was gone. Kids cant comprehend that gf cheated and broke uncles heart. My sister just talked them through it and they eventually got over it.

Just like you can find a lawyer to tell you what you want to hear, you can find a psychologist to tell you the same. No two kids are the same and you cant say just because your situation was one way, they all should be that way. What works for one doesnt necessarily work for all.

 

[FirstTimer]

I'm on the wrong site....I use the captain save a ho term all time,please direct me to right site I need to be on.....

From some of the more male-focused sites I participate with, I don't believe the term is "Prince Charming". The men refer to these other men as "Captain-Save-A-Ho". Just one other term that will not be big or welcome here on ODF.

 

[Pursuinghappiness]

Seriously man?
It is one of those "WTF how's the f*ck did this happen" type of pregnancies where precautions were taken, but oops, "surprise!"...

lol...I thoroughly appreciate that stuff happens.

I'm just saying that from a court perspective, your existing children CS and SS obligations will come first. So its unfortunate timing.

c8, you owe no one here an explanation - I think babies are rather cool little things and I would have had a houseful.

I agree but they're also pricey. Its gets worse if you consider that when you're divorced, you don't have a choice about ultimately paying for around 1/3 of university costs too. With the price of tuition going up and up these days, imagining putting 4 kids through school is tough to fathom.

 

[Pursuinghappiness]

Instead, people had to pile on and make assumptions about how soon this guy got involved with his girlfriend after separation (which was apparently years after), and lecture him on how he shouldn't have gotten his girlfriend pregnant in the first place. The lectures were almost hilarious in that they assumed he was an idiot for getting her pregnant by accident, or an idiot for doing it deliberately. Like I said earlier, sometimes things happen. This poor fellow was just trying to figure out what his options are, possibly while coping with the concept of starting over as a parent, and a bunch of people flat-out just shit on him.

Seriously, guys, we can do better.

This is a public forum. Its not unusual for people to ask questions and/or give opinions and its often interesting and useful discussion.

Frankly, his original question WAS answered. His original question was also expanded upon....pretty standard stuff in a discussion forum.

Ultimately I doubt this OP gives a rat's ass about anyone else's opinions and people are entitled to have them. Its not disrespectful or surprising that posters brought up the unfortunate timing of this couple's incoming 4th child when they're both in in the middle of ex-spouse litigation with regard to support.

 

[LovingFather32]

I'm just still bowled over by how ridiculous some people have been on this thread. This guy asked a pretty simple question that actually had a pretty simple answer.

"New baby on the way. Can I end Spousal Support?"

The answer was:

"No, your new baby has nothing to do with your old obligations, good luck."

Instead, people had to pile on and make assumptions about how soon this guy got involved with his girlfriend after separation (which was apparently years after), and lecture him on how he shouldn't have gotten his girlfriend pregnant in the first place. The lectures were almost hilarious in that they assumed he was an idiot for getting her pregnant by accident, or an idiot for doing it deliberately. Like I said earlier, sometimes things happen. This poor fellow was just trying to figure out what his options are, possibly while coping with the concept of starting over as a parent, and a bunch of people flat-out just shit on him.

Seriously, guys, we can do better.

I'm with Serene. A "like button" is needed.

 

[Rioe]

I'm with Serene. A "like button" is needed.

You can click on the little medal icon to the top right to increase (or decrease) the poster's reputation if you see a post you like (or dislike). It sends a notification and optional message to their User CP. It's the next best thing. It shows up as the green (or red) squares in our info at the top of every post.

 

[odinn]

You can click on the little medal icon to the top right to increase (or decrease) the poster's reputation if you see a post you like (or dislike). It sends a notification and optional message to their User CP. It's the next best thing. It shows up as the green (or red) squares in our info at the top of every post.

Yes, and for the record you can't increase your reputation by clicking on the medal icon for your own posts...lol

 

[LovingFather32]

I didn't even notice that medal. Neat addition. Thanks.