Need help before/if it gets to a divorce

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Hurtin08

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Hi,

New to the forums here and haven't had too much time to look around. I hope you can help though. If I'm in the wrong forum please let me know.

I have a very strong suspicion that my wife is having an affair. This has all come to light in the last few days and even more so today! I don't want to get into details just yet but hope to provide enough detail to get some information from this group.

My absolute most important consideration here is to protect my relationship with my children. I can't lose them. My second most important thing here is to keep my marriage so that will be where I put my efforts first. I am more than willing to talk this out rationally even though my head is swimming beyond belief right now.

Having said that, given that I am terrified of the idea of losing my children, I want to protect myself in advance as best as possible so that if we end up going as far as a divorce I can keep my kids.

My problem is that I have found out information relating to her (likley) infidelity when she let me borrow her work laptop. Already being suspicious because of her behaviour of late, and a very brief phone conversation I overheard, I couldn't help to open up her email and peek at her sent items. I copied the content of dozens of emails between her and a coworker and emailed them to myself using my own web mail account (she doesn't know).

My question/concern: if it came down to lawyers and divorce, can I use this information that I obtained from these emails as a strong basis and argument in the eyes of the law to keep my kids? I know that's a loaded question but I'm grasping. I want to confront her about this before they meet again (I believe another meeting is to take place on Aug. 17) but need to know if I should hold off to get a safer, complete, more 'compelling' argument with information I obtain through other means (although I don't know what those are). I would hate to confront her, have it go very badly, end up going to divorce, and then find out that I can't use this information because of how I obtained it.

Any QUICK advice would be so much appreciated.
Very Hurt in 08
 
I'm pretty sure this kind of information can technically be presented, but might look just as badly on you as it does her, if her lawyer spins it right. You have another advantage right now though - you know she's cheating but she doesn't know you know. Instead of relying on stolen emails, try to get some other kind of confirmation (photos, public internet postings, etc.) which might be more acceptable. Proving infidelity can be tricky, but it can help you in the divorce if it goes that way.

Either way, I would not confront her about this until you've had a chance to speak with a lawyer and get advice. My ex cheated and I confronted her on it, but didn't get legal advice until far too late. Had I done so from the beginning, I would be in a MUCH better position right now. My #1 advice? Do not leave the home/children under any circumstance. Wait her out as long as you need to, but make sure she's the one who leaves.

I understand you want to try and make things work, but you don't know for sure she'll be interested in doing so. You may confront her and she uses that as an oppotunity to end things. You need to be prepared for the worst. Personally, my experience has been that cheaters seldom reform - you might want to consider moving on.
 
I don't think your wife's (alleged) infidelity will be relevant. If by keeping your kids you mean you want full custody, that may be difficult. I think you would have to be able to prove that she would not be a suitable parent. I doubt that just the fact that she has a romance with a third party would qualify.

If you are envisioning a more or less 50/50 shared regime, I believe that as long as you can present yourself as a good parent, the onus would be on your wife to prove otherwise.

In any case, I strongly echo the comment from About_time...do NOT leave the house and be sure you continue to be fully involved in your children's lives.
 
Thanks very much for your reply. I do have an opportunity (I think) to get much more significant proof of this. Probably pictures/video. Something to keep just in case I do need it one day. I just hate, hate, hate that I'm even thinking this way.

You're right, I don't know for sure that she'll be interested in making it work, and so I don't think I will confront her about this. Obviously she's doing this because she's not getting something from me. Time for some intense self-discovery. I hope you're wrong about cheaters seldom reforming :(

And I very much appreciate the advice on not leaving the home and kids. That's my biggest worry and I'm not going anywhere!
 
Hi Wondering50,

I am an excellent parent, far more committed than she. She knows that and has told me that. And she's also told me that she plans on being by my side for the rest of our lives. This makes it all the more puzzling why she would risk this.

I guess I am envisioning a 50/50 split, but with me being primary care giver. I wouldn't go for Full Custody as she's a wonderful mom and I wouldn't take that from my kids.

Proving I'm a better parent may be a bit challenging as it comes down to my word against hers, largely. I do spend more time with the kids, coach them, do the day care/school run every day, organize play dates, come home on time all the time, go to all school functions, etc. But not sure how to prove/substantiate that. Any thoughts on how? Or do I need to?

Still trying to build a solid case I hope I'll never use.
Hurtin08
 
1) "Obviously she's doing this because she's not getting something from me." - y'know this quote really brought back memories. This is precisely what I thought the first time I caught my ex cheating on me. What did I do wrong? What aren't I giving her? My advice to you is to scrap thoughts like that and put the blame where it belongs - at your wife's feet. It's a lesson I took far too long to learn.

Every marriage has problems. Everyone has something they feel they might be missing or something which might be lacking in their partner. That's perfectly normal. If she were coming to you and saying "Hey, things aren't going well because of X, Y and Z and we need to work on this" then I'd say great - that's a perfect starting point. But she didn't. She decided to cheat. No reason she could possibly offer would excuse this behaviour. None. She's not doing this because you are lacking - she's doing this because she's a selfish coward.

You seem like a decent guy and you seem committed to your marriage and your children. If she doesn't share that commitment, then it's HER that's lacking. Hold your head up high and lawyer up.

2) When it comes to matters of child custody, they don't look at who is the better parent. It seems ridiculous, but it's true. They are looking mostly at maintaining the status quo. So if you are the one who gets them ready for school and makes their meals and tucks them in at night, then you have a better shot at custody. If it's her, she has the better shot. Joint custody or split custody are options which are more likely to arise from negotiation with your wife than through the courts. I wouldn't rule out seeking sole custody if she isn't agreeable to some sort of split though.
 
Hi A_T,

Thanks again and I appreciate your views. Good to have all viewpoints.

1) At the risk of getting away from legal advice/issues and into therapeutic couselling (which I also could use right now), it's hard to capture 12 years of marriage (and 18 years together) in a posting. I do have many ideas of what I've done wrong.

The last 3 years since our youngest' birth have been strenuous, but through many talks and such, have been getting much better lately. Then this. Because we started our relationship so young we spent the first 15 years of our relationship very, very intertwined. We've been working on providing each other with more freedom to lead our own lives, advance our careers, build friendships. And her career building has led to a very close relationship with her superior, which they're taking to an intimate level. She just does not seem like the cheating type, so I'm extremely confused. I can't help but think if she were getting fulfilled at home she wouldn't go elsewhere. I'm probably naive, but that's where my head is at the moment; I don't know if I've done all I can do to fulfill her.

2) If it's status quo they look at then that is extremely encouraging, I've got the upper hand there. But still hoping I don't have to play it.
 
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