My 9 yr old son wants to come to my place instead of his Mom's.

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standing on the sidelines said:
yes the end post he made was more reasonable, but that was after it was pointed out to him that he has to follow the court order and how a 9 year old has really no choice in the matter, its up to the adults to sort it out. He wasnt really listening to that at the start.
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My take on it was both sides were not listening, to a degree. What I was trying to tell him, is yes it is frustrating the way some people talk to people on this site, but if you look really hard, sometimes there is some valid advice. It is just to bad the advice couldn't just come, in a different way. Just seems like we could all avoid the hostile side, I think a lot of us get enough of that in our personal life.
 
For those of you with the recent 'positive' comments - THANKS.

For everyone that provided valuable information about the legal side - Thanks.

For everyone - I guess things would have gone the right direction from the start, if I could have provided more information. But had I done that, there is a chance his Mom would find the post. In fact, I made some changes to make that very difficult.

For the 'dribs and drabs' sprinkled through this post, that helped me make a plan - THANKS FOR LISTENING AND HELPING ME PLAN.

See - what I am after is a plan to spin her bad parenting and parental alienation against me, to my advantage. So, when he says his Mother is never home, and I am - that's to my advantage, regardless if he is stuck in his room making an apology card etc. or sitting through another tough talk from me about getting on the right bus. When he comes home saying how much his Mom hates me, and does not hear or feel the same from me about her (I don't) then that's to my advantage. When he sees me handling situations without YELLING and SCREAMING at him like she does - that's to my advantage.

NOW - when he comes home nights he is to be at her house, my INITIAL plan is as outlined above. It follows the court's expectations, it creates a paper trail to back me up, and it will also document that she is never home until after dinner - because that's when she'll arrange to pick him up at the exchange point, or use as an explanation why he needs to be taken to her Mom's in a Taxi.

If she was a good parent, I would have no problem disciplining him as much as needed by 'grounding' him etc. But, she is a pathetic parent. Every decision is about her, and not her son. She is a Mom because her family and friends expect that of her. I know this as fact, because I have a hand-written note she had posted in her office cubicle when this all started that laid out her 'new life'. It point blank stated she would have our son every other weekend, so she could be a 'party girl' at the dance clubs the rest of the time. A co-worker of hers that was appalled at that, got me a copy.

So - for those of you that think I should yell and scream at him to get in the car so I can take him to a home where she rarely is, and there is no love, because that's how it has to be - sorry. I don't want to teach him that, and I don't want that for him. I do want to teach him that life is not fair - but I also want to teach him that we can change our situation sometimes.

If there was some scenario where she could convince her family she had no choice but to accept visitation every other weekend, deep inside, she would be HAPPIER about that, as long as she could maintain the 'poor me' image. I am hoping that if our son starts coming to my house - that will be one small step in that direction.
 
You don't get to judge her as a parent, just like she doesn't get to judge you. If you posted more of your life, trust me, I could find many things that you do that I would judge harshly, as a fellow parent.

And you seem to be taking advice from a poster who would have moved a 9 year old across the country, away from a parent, without understanding the long term ramifications or caring about the inevitable dissolution of a parental relationship.

None of the posts so far have contained vitriole, or been harsh.. they have been honest and frank.

If I were your ex, the moment I heard of this nonsense from you, I'd call the school and instruct bus access to only the child's primary residence - mine. That would shut down any of this kid's right of entitlement to choose where he went.

I get where you are coming from - but I've been the parent who has always DENIED my kid... when she texts me and asks if we can fake her death so she never has to go to my ex' house again, I say NO. You have two parents, and you will be parented by two parents.

As Tayken has already posted, if you can't parent, and if you choose to make this move, I suspect a judge will be making the decision for you - and it won't be to your benefit.
 
mcdreamy said:
None of the posts so far have contained vitriole, or been harsh.. they have been honest and frank.
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Man you need to get your head out of your ass becasue I just read through this whole thread and I am shocked. :eek:

Its full of vitriole!

Bigdad you are right, the whole family law system is severely broken, lawyers lie, they say all kinds of thing to make you think you have a case. They lie to judges and they are believed. I had one Judge say ' a severence package is income and you have to pay support on that income' then in a settlement conference the same judge says 'what justifies you to get all that extra support' Then you are left standing there with your sausage in your hand and jaw dropped not know what to say.

How the hell can you move forward with something like that?
 
Technodaddy said:
Man you need to get your head out of your ass becasue I just read through this whole thread and I am shocked. :eek:

Its full of vitriole!
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I have a skinny ass.. unfortunately hereditary. I'd love to have a plump, round ass, but it is not to be. And yes, I am very jealous of plump asses. But fitting a head up my skinny ass would be most likely impossible.

Please, quote the vitriole that I seemed to have missed.
 
mcdreamy said:
You don't get to judge her as a parent, just like she doesn't get to judge you. If you posted more of your life, trust me, I could find many things that you do that I would judge harshly, as a fellow parent.

And you seem to be taking advice from a poster who would have moved a 9 year old across the country, away from a parent, without understanding the long term ramifications or caring about the inevitable dissolution of a parental relationship.

None of the posts so far have contained vitriole, or been harsh.. they have been honest and frank.

If I were your ex, the moment I heard of this nonsense from you, I'd call the school and instruct bus access to only the child's primary residence - mine. That would shut down any of this kid's right of entitlement to choose where he went.

I get where you are coming from - but I've been the parent who has always DENIED my kid... when she texts me and asks if we can fake her death so she never has to go to my ex' house again, I say NO. You have two parents, and you will be parented by two parents.

As Tayken has already posted, if you can't parent, and if you choose to make this move, I suspect a judge will be making the decision for you - and it won't be to your benefit.
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IF you are referring to me, I will kindly ask you not to ASSume what my understanding is on, anything.
 
I have this huge cork that came out of this skinny little neck, I'm trying to figure out how to get it back in..
 
I'm late to the party, so I'm not drunk yet, and I'd like to stay on topic.

Feelings aside, and reasons for him wanting to be at your house instead of his mother's aside as well, there are safety issues here.

Tell him that you understand his issues, but that they are expecting him at the other house and you are not expecting him to come to yours. So if he gets on the wrong bus, they will worry about him. And you may not even be home! What if you had an errand to run or a doctor's appointment, and weren't home when he got off the bus because you weren't expecting him?

What you are talking about is not just manipulating the courts to side with you when the time comes to give him some say in the matter, it sounds a bit like manipulating your son as well. Part of your job as a parent is to support the other parent (and family) in your child's eyes as well.
 
Rioe said:
I'm late to the party, so I'm not drunk yet, and I'd like to stay on topic.

Feelings aside, and reasons for him wanting to be at your house instead of his mother's aside as well, there are safety issues here..
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Spoil sport. It's Friday night for goodness sakes, I'm stuck doing some after hours for a friend, let's let off some steam...
 
Mess said:
Spoil sport. It's Friday night for goodness sakes, I'm stuck doing some after hours for a friend, let's let off some steam...
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Okay, okay, I was dancing at a Halloween block party for the kids earlier. I'm all outta steam!
 
so seriously, folks, if a nine year old said they wanted to run away and join the circus would you just go with it? What they want has to be addressed, but that can mean saying "no." What is the right thing to do here? Take advantage of a situation to screw your ex out of custody?

Have a heart to heart with your child, explain that they have two parents, two homes, and that is the reality.
 
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