Letting children know about child support

D

dontworrybehappy

New member
Wondering if there is consensus or anecdotes on whether children should know that child support is being paid. My ex is currently receiving a significant amount, and is asking for a significant amount more. She has used the money, in part, to take the kids on vacations (3 per year). My 9 year old son has asked me "Why does mom take me on vacations (skiing, disney etc.) and you don't". I want to explain to him that "His mother uses the money I give her to take them on vacations, and this is her choice, but a)it does not leave enough money for me to take them on vacations, and b)too many vacations spoils children".

With well over 5000 per month for 3 children, there leaves no opportunity for travel with their father. Should I let them know their trips with their mother are paid for by my funds?
 
That is completely inappropriate under any circumstances.

If you absolutely must answer the question, and I do understand that sometimes we have to answer our children's questions, simply state that you don't have as much money available as his mum, and leave it at that.

If you are concerned with scoring points, rest assured that in a few years he will figure it out for himself, and you will look better in his eyes for having kept him out of it as child.
 
Ask yourself is there any possible way that this info will help your kids develop into healthy productive individuals? I can't see it.
 
a)it does not leave enough money for me to take them on vacations
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CS is paid on a table amount based on your income. If you're suggesting that you're paying an unfair amount based on your income then you're free to go to court and have it adjusted appropriately. You should have money left over, based on your budgeting techniques to spend on what you prioritize as important to you. Your ex's priorities on how she decides what's important to her and spends her money is her business.

b)too many vacations spoils children".
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According to whom? You? Maybe she values travelling over other types of gifts. Maybe she wants to expose the kids to a lot of different locations and budgets her money to be able to do this. You're divorced and no longer have control over what she does or what she spends her money on.

If you think badmouthing your ex to your kids is going to help you or make you look better in their eyes...you're completely wrong. Keep your kids out of your divorce issues and disengage. You no longer have control over your ex's life.
 
@ DWBH....

My approach is not to kick you while you are down, there is always more to a story than anyone will know, so what will be the point of ripping into you? That being said.....

Don't talk about child support with your kids. Just don't do it.

You and your ex appear to have been able, in spite of your problems, to establish a working co-parenting arrangement (?) That means that no matter how you feel about each other and no matter how much you and/or she have moved on, you are still partners with regard to raising your kids.

Additionally, the absolute best thing you can do for your kids right now is work things out with your ex so that you are communicating effectively with each other about money/custody/guilt-trips. That way neither one of you will be tempted to talk through the kids, which your post indicates is where you're headed.

Furthermore, parents use the kids to reach the other parent all the time, and it's just a bad idea all around. Not only does it make the kids feel insecure at home, which is supposed to be the safe place, right? but it also teaches them how to play people, how to manipulate. They already know how you feel about their mom and the situation. They don't need financial details. What they need is for you and your ex to respect them enough to deal with your adult problems without involving them.

Later, when your kid(s) are in high school and they understand more about finances and the decisions behind divorce, they will understand where all their stuff came from and be grateful to you (well, truly grateful might come even later).
Be the bigger person in this situation. If your ex is taking credit for now, let her. It will all come out in the wash later in life. Your 9 yr old doesn't need to hear about all the finances, and I think you will come off looking petty. Suffer now for a big win of gratitude and understanding later and don't get the kids involved.

Finally DWBH, ask yourself this: (a) Will giving the children this piece of information make them better, more generous or responsible people in the end? Or (b) Are you angry about the way your ex-wife manages her money and her business and you want to tell the kids so they'll know this about their mom. If it's (a) then yes if it's (b) then no. From your post, I don't see a lot of (a) but I do see (b).
 
It is a bad idea to discuss finances with children, whether it be about child support or just your regular budgets. Kids don't need that type of stress. But I can't help but wonder, if you pay $5000 a month in CS for 3 children, your income has to be over $300K... even paying $60,000 a year in CS leaves you over $250K in income. If you can't afford even a simple vacation with your children, I think you need to look at your own finances and budget and decide where you can cut back. But telling your children that you have to pay Mom so you can't afford things, is not the way to go.
 
For 3 children and a gross annual income of $295,000.00, the monthly child support payment will be $5,019.00.

All I can say is Ouch....now does that include Section 7 stuff? Post secondary hasn't even been thrown into the equation yet.
 
Very interesting post. Agree with Berner_Faith and did the calculation. I came up with an income of above 315,000. My estimate is that you take home a net income above $10k. Maybe 12k or 13k net? So you are 'left' with 7k or 8k net a month, assuming you don't pay SS. I don't want to make assumptions on your overall financial situation, however, there should be enough money left to rent a cottage or go skiing for a week.
My other point is that I would be happy if my ex was taking kids on nice vacations, even if I perceived these vacations to be paid with my money. At least 'your' money goes to the kids.
 
my grain of salt

my grain of salt

So... to come back to the original question... should the kids know that one parent is paying child support? I say it depends on if the parent is the payor or the payee.


I am on the receiving end of child support with a specific agreement of who buys what. So when my kids asked me : "How come dad never buys us clothes?" I thought it would be wise to let them know, without unecessary details, that in fact, mom makes the purchases, but both mom and dad share the costs in the end.

That seemed to reassure them that dad was in fact, caring about what they put on in the morning, and even if mom takes care of most purchases, dad is actually helping to pay for them.

Voilà. There is my grain of salt.
 
I'm a net payor (offset) in a 50/50 situation. D8 asked me a while ago if I gave money to her father (father's new wife is also a recipient and apparently they were talking about how much the two of them get from me and from the wife's ex). I said yes, I gave her dad money every month because we made an agreement that I would do this and the money is to help buy things that she uses at her dad's. She asked how why I had to give him money and how much, and I said that was grownup business and not for kids.

In retrospect, I was probably too legalistic and should have provided a more child-centred answer - I should have said something like "your dad and I both love you and so we are happy to share the costs of providing things for you".

Kids are remarkably savvy about these things. D8 knows I recently got a promotion at work, and asked if that meant I would give more money to her dad (answer: that's grownup business and your dad and I will work it out). She also asked me why her dad wouldn't buy her new pants with the money he gets from me (answer: maybe your dad hasn't realized your pants are too short - have you asked him about it?).

So in short, I think it's legitimate to acknowledge that you're paying CS, as the kids will suss it out anyway, especially if it's an active topic of discussion at the other house. But I don't think it's appropriate to talk about amounts and details and so forth. They don't need to be burdened with that stuff.
 
I also think it's appropriate to talk to children about money, at least at a level they can understand. How else are they supposed to learn about budgeting, and priorities, and develop an understanding about the value of hard work to get what you want, etc? If we keep money, both earning and spending of it, a secret, then they don't learn how it works and get into credit trouble later on in life.

I would say something like "your mother and I are still a team as your parents, and we pool some of our money to support your needs. She likes to use it to take you guys on trips, and I like to have a big house and yard for us to play in." Or whatever suits your situation.

However, I do agree that if your income is such that you pay $5000 in CS a month, then you can certainly rearrange your budget to fit some vacations in, if you would like to make it a priority. Otherwise, you should simply explain to your children that vacations are not your financial priority. Making sure they have good food, nice clothes and fun toys, no matter which house they are at, is your priority.
 
Going purely by what the OP stated in his first post, that the ex wants more money, I would postulate that this is merely a manipulative tactic on her part.

I'd recognize it for what it is and not play the game.
 
Priorities .... That's what it boils down to

I know that when my ex and I were together supporting 3 kids are income was say "X"

We've been separated/divorced for 11 yrs and both have remarried .. His family income is the same as when he & I were together. Mine is $10,000 more per yr (due to the CS) I receive. His household consists of him & wife. Mine is me, husband and 3 teenage boys. Easy to see where the x'tra $10,000 goes.

We travel to the Caribbean probably once a year as a family and once a year just hubby & I. Plus hubby and I take at least 2 long weekend trips locally. Ex has never taken the kids anywhere other than a long weekend camping trip locally.

Ex is not even a EOW dad as now the kids are older it's most likely he drops by after work on a weeknight for 15 min and additionally sees them for 1-2 hrs a month ... HIS choice AND theirs.

He CONSTANTLY bitches to them that "I" take all his $ .. I've never stated anything other than ... "Your dad and I brought you into this world and we are both responsible in supporting you" ...

Ex can't fathom how we can vacation or how I have a cleaning lady and quite frankly it's none of his damn business ... Just as how he spends his money and plays the whoa is me card any of my concern anymore.

The one thing that I feel posters here seem to forget is that "some" parents are quite fine with NOT playing an active role in their kids lives. For everyone on here who is fighting tooth & nail for a minimum of 50/50 there is a greater amount out there who just truly don't give a shit and the kids are just collateral damage. Kids' figure it out in due time who is there for them and who isn't.
 
My X gave our S15 a line of crap like you're contemplating.

My S15 told me what his father said about CS and how unfair it is to him (X). Ha! I asked S15 if what he was told makes sense to him.

He shook his head, said no, and said that his father should be responsible for paying for him too, not just me (his mother). He understands that his dad makes a little more money than I do, and that the new wife makes roughly the same as I. Pretty easy math for a 15 year old.

The look on his face said that he thought his dad was full of shit. If that's what you want your child to think of you when he is old enough to figure it out, then go for it.

Oh - and when your child asks you why you don't take him on vacations, you could try telling the truth, which seems it may be that you mismanage your own money and can't afford to like his mother can. My apologies if this is not the case for you.
 
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Interesting perspectives. I just don't think it's good to put kids in the middle of this.

I've seen many children from non-divorced families play their parents off against each other. It stands to reason that this could also occur with divorced families.

I think it's a matter of the mother making her point through the kids. The father can now decided whether or not he wants to engage in the contest. I like DunnMom's simple response that both parents are responsible to raise the children.
 
I missed something in your original post. So she gets the CS amount, and she's trying to get more? And the kids know she's trying to get more? Just tell them that there is a government approved system for CS, and you pay what they say to.
 
Rioe said:
I missed something in your original post. So she gets the CS amount, and she's trying to get more? And the kids know she's trying to get more? Just tell them that there is a government approved system for CS, and you pay what they say to.
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Technically, he didn't say that - he does not clarify whether he actually pays table or offset table amount. Maybe he isn't paying the amount he should based on his income...? He just says he pays "well over 5,000 for 3 kids" -

Something is wrong here - either he makes well over 200K and should be able to afford his own trips, or he is including SS as well as CS, in which case, he may very well be broke.

To the OP and the initial question: I think children should know that BOTH parents support them financially when they are old enough to understand - 9 is old enough in my opinion. But to say something like "your trips with your mother are funded by me," or "too many vacations spoil a child" -ridiculous. I hope the OP reads back what he wrote and realizes how inappropriate either of those things would be to say to a child.
 
If you look at the OP's post of Nov 30 he mentions 'high access costs' ie travel/hotels.

While it is mere speculation on my part, perhaps the OP works in oilfield (UAE or northern pipeline). Big bucks... big taxes and big travel expenses.
 
arabian said:
If you look at the OP's post of Nov 30 he mentions 'high access costs' ie travel/hotels.

While it is mere speculation on my part, perhaps the OP works in oilfield (UAE or northern pipeline). Big bucks... big taxes and big travel expenses.
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All fine and dandy and you could be bang on Arabian but that also equals BIG CHOICES ....

IE ... Stay the steady and earn $50,000/yr (& pay CS according to your income) OR choose to party like a ROCKSTAR and go to where the big $$$ is (& the big living expenses) and sacrifice time with your child and then cry foul.

Off course it's all speculation :)
 
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