Just venting

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You are responsible for your own behavior. You cannot change her. You know she is high conflict, you know she likes to cause fights and you willingly engage in that conflict! It takes two to tango and it take two to fight... She can't fight with herself. Stop responding to nonsense. If you must respond, do so in a polite manner. A simple 'I am sorry I will make sure those clothes get returned to you.' Is a far better response than 'does it matter?'.

You are just as much to blame for responding as she is for creating. I am sure your child would much rather you two spend more energy helping her than engaging each other.
 
Iceberg: hang in there man. She's obviously baiting you.

My mother used to tell me that the best way to deal with miserable people is to be extra, extra nice to them; they won't know how to react. I've taken this advice and it works like a charm. When people go out of their way to be really belligerent to me I turn on the charm. Totally fucks em up!

Next time be sure your daughter has face paint on (a kitty cat or something cute like that)!
 
iceberg said:
She is preparing for court and will use these sms. She is 100% certain she can get full custody
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I am at a loss to understand your logic.

Are you genuinely concerned that custody hinges on what clothes are worn between the houses? And therefore are attempting to defend yourself against allegations of 'clothing theft'? Seriously ?????

Seriously???

Custody hinges on having communicication that is GOOD ENOUGH (not good, not perfect) to ensure parents are acting in kids' best interests. And the most important things at stake in your situation are
1) medical care
2) your kid being secure that she has the love of both parents (which directly affects her stress levels and hence her mental/physical strength to handle chemo)

All this spat about clothing is a problem between you and mom ... the kid probably couldn't care less about it.
 
Next time you get a message to respond to, how about you post here for advice on how to respond? Likely you'll get some responses within 24h, which is a very reasonable wait time for her to get a response. For non-emergency issues - like clothing - even 1 week is fine.
 
iceberg said:
After the hospital staff have made my ex and i communicate over childs health issues only, my ex started bombarding me with sms but still child related. The hospital SW and main nurse are trying to make an agreement for our communication rules.
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Admirable.

iceberg said:
So after her chemo, i took our little girl to her mom today. Just as soon as I left a text message came:

Why u never wear her the cloth i bought her, and shouse etc

Me: What is the difference if she wears wut u or i bought as long as she is properly dressed

Then she said all the good clothes she buys i keep (honestly it is the opposite)

She said:I usually return her how she come and also i dress her always nice when she come to u but and it disapears??

Is this sms even contradicting?

Ill tell hosp. Staff email only and health related communication or i will file a motion to have the court put the comm. Rules.

she harrases me again
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Let's rewrite your response:

iceberg said:
Why u never wear her the cloth i bought her, and shouse etc
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You do not replay. This message is just her being bitchy and it has nothing to do with your child's health issues. Ignore this type of message. Maybe observe that she's got issues with the child's clothing, and try harder to send her back in clothes from the other house. But you don't need to get drawn into an argument.
 
dinkyface said:
I am at a loss to understand your logic.

Are you genuinely concerned that custody hinges on what clothes are worn between the houses? And therefore are attempting to defend yourself against allegations of 'clothing theft'? Seriously ?????

Seriously???

Custody hinges on having communicication that is GOOD ENOUGH (not good, not perfect) to ensure parents are acting in kids' best interests. And the most important things at stake in your situation are
1) medical care
2) your kid being secure that she has the love of both parents (which directly affects her stress levels and hence her mental/physical strength to handle chemo)

All this spat about clothing is a problem between you and mom ... the kid probably couldn't care less about it.
Click to expand...

Oh I am dead serious. She is saving receipts of everything she buys her to show in the court how she makes the child thrive. That is a fact, her sister did the same thing. She will also say she bought trucks of clothes FOR SCHOOL (which she should but didnt) and there is nothing I can do about it. How can I prove that she didn't contribute nothing towards child's education in 2 years? Or maybe I am wrong? Maybe she doesn't need to?? Either way I don't care nor do I need her help.

This morning around 8 a text message woke me up. Her again. Why didn't you clip childs nails she scratched herself? (Honestly I forgot, I was busy last four days spending hours in hospital with the child). I ignored and went back to sleep. 3 more followed. "you feed her junk food and you know she must eat healthy food". (Then she called me asked me about medications but didnt mention what she wrote in sms)

Arabian: Your advice is so true. With such behavior you can turn your worst enemy into your best friend. But not my ex. In the first 2 years we were very good friends. we got along fine. But I always was extra nice to her.When she crossed the line, you know, too much is too much. I can be super nice to her again now. But it will last only until a problem/dispute arise and she forgets all the kindness.
 
My response to her would be:

I realize you still having a difficult time accepting the fact that we are no longer together and is likely the true reason for your emails. I am very concerned about you. Maybe we should discuss getting you into counselling. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help you in that regard.
 
I was trying to figure out why high conflict "works" for her. The only conclusion I could come up with is that she is without a doubt certain she will get full custody (which she badly wants) because she is a female and because I have anxiety and few other things like she makes lots of $$
 
Iceberg go on CanLII (Alberta) and have a look at past child custody agreements over 2012. You will see what the Alberta judges think about the pettiness of parents who try to engage one another in inconsequential arguments. I had a look at some decisions this morning and I can see that judges are quite critical of parents who can't get along and when one parent tries to make the other parent look bad. Parenting plans seem to be important in custody decision. Judges are very critical of parents who do not get counselling when told to by the court. These are the important issues, certainly not the things your ex is trying to engage you in right now. Furthermore, if you can document and prove that the family is hostile and making your access to your daughter difficult, that will go alot further than anything else. Judges do not look kindly on people who contribute or try to set up any sort of parent alienation.

She is certainly trying to push your buttons. I think one of the other posters on this site had good advice: before you send your next email, post her email on here and then get some advice on how to react (if at all).

You are reactive rather than proactive. Not a good way to be.
 
My response would have been something along the line of:

Thankyou for informing me of your feelings about how our child is clothed i.e. it is important to you that our child wears only clothes that you provide, and that it upsets you if she wears clothes that I provide. In order to reduce conflict and help us stay focused on supporting our child through her chemotherapy, I will ensure she is wearing your clothing when she returns to you.

Regards,
Superdad.

And then PRAY that she brings this in front of a judge.

My take on your dynamics is that she is not 'conniving' to push buttons, but instead is acting on pure selfish emotion, impulse, insecurity, control-mongering, mother-bear instinct, etc. without a shred of intelligent self-monitoring.

And the father suffers the same problem - though to a lesser degree.

These people need a coach bigtime.
 
arabian said:
My response to her would be:

I realize you still having a difficult time accepting the fact that we are no longer together and is likely the true reason for your emails. I am very concerned about you. Maybe we should discuss getting you into counselling. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help you in that regard.
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that wouldnt be a good idea. as far as we know she is happy to be rid of him. They both need counselling.
 
dinkyface said:
My response would have been something along the line of:

Thankyou for informing me of your feelings about how our child is clothed i.e. it is important to you that our child wears only clothes that you provide, and that it upsets you if she wears clothes that I provide. In order to reduce conflict and help us stay focused on supporting our child through her chemotherapy, I will ensure she is wearing your clothing when she returns to you.

Regards,
Superdad.

And then PRAY that she brings this in front of a judge.

My take on your dynamics is that she is not 'conniving' to push buttons, but instead is acting on pure selfish emotion, impulse, insecurity, control-mongering, mother-bear instinct, etc. without a shred of intelligent self-monitoring.

And the father suffers the same problem - though to a lesser degree.

These people need a coach bigtime.
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better response, doesnt escalate the conflict.
 
much better response... rational, calm.

You might add:

Our daughter's best interests will be served if we strive to co-parent in a harmonious manner.
 
Hey Ice...I had the exact same situation with dad. Even if he sent the clothes in old clothes, and I sent them back with new clothes he would be upset. I didn't get it-don't care what clothes go back and forth...but he did and would rant irregardless of the quality/newness...
So this is what we do now and it seems to be working...
I now send the kids in my clothes to dads house, and he puts them in the exact same clothes to come back home to my house. This way it's the clothes from here/our house...and not 'his' clothes from their house. It seems to be working and no more rants.
Try that ! Good luck.
I started going with a 24 hour rule (same as we have in hockey or lacrosse if we are upset and want to talk to a coach or manager)...wait 24 hours before responding. It really does help me...
 
May-May that's great advice (24 hr rule). Maybe the ex would agree to it as well? Might be worth suggesting once they get to some sort of divorce coach or counselor.
 
iceberg said:
I was trying to figure out why high conflict "works" for her. The only conclusion I could come up with is that she is without a doubt certain she will get full custody (which she badly wants) because she is a female and because I have anxiety and few other things like she makes lots of $$
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It works for her because you allow yourself to be engaged in her conflict. The more conflict there is the more it will effect custody. If she can prove that the two of you cannot communicate then the chances of having shared custody diminish.

Instead, you need to be able to show that despite the numerous texts/emails etc attempting to start conflict, YOU did not respond and made every attempt to ensure positive communication.

She's baiting you and you're playing the game. It has ZERO to do with gender and EVERYTHING to do with how YOU are handling your side of things.

Let her act batshit crazy. Sit back and watch. But DO NOT respond or get drawn in. It's very simple.
 
dinkyface said:
My response would have been something along the line of:

Thankyou for informing me of your feelings about how our child is clothed i.e. it is important to you that our child wears only clothes that you provide, and that it upsets you if she wears clothes that I provide. In order to reduce conflict and help us stay focused on supporting our child through her chemotherapy, I will ensure she is wearing your clothing when she returns to you.

Regards,
Superdad.
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That is how I should have replied to show I am cooperative but her text shocked me mainly because there are hardly any clothes in my house that she purchased :)

Im guessing that is what you meant when you mentioned OPPORTUNITY in your other post by showing my attempts to communicate
 
May_May said:
Hey Ice...I had the exact same situation with dad. Even if he sent the clothes in old clothes, and I sent them back with new clothes he would be upset. I didn't get it-don't care what clothes go back and forth...but he did and would rant irregardless of the quality/newness...
So this is what we do now and it seems to be working...
I now send the kids in my clothes to dads house, and he puts them in the exact same clothes to come back home to my house. This way it's the clothes from here/our house...and not 'his' clothes from their house. It seems to be working and no more rants.
Try that ! Good luck.
I started going with a 24 hour rule (same as we have in hockey or lacrosse if we are upset and want to talk to a coach or manager)...wait 24 hours before responding. It really does help me...
Click to expand...

Didnt that feel odd adn made no sense?
 
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