Just found out need advice

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Confused and lost

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Good day folks.

I came across this website through doing some research and this seems to be a knowledgeable forum.

So this situation is a little more complex than 2 adults in a relationship deciding to throw away the pill and getting pregnant and then splitting up.

A girl has a 1 night stand and gets pregnant. When she finds out this man is not informed, but another one is (her boyfriend) and is assumed to be the father. A paternity test is done after the birth and he is then found to be not the father. He leaves and isnt very nice about the whole situation.

The girl takes a little time to heal and then tracks down a man she believes is the childs father and asks him to take a paternity test. He has not seen her in a year and has never been notified he may be the dad even though the child is almost 4 months.This guy is pretty nice and understanding and agrees to allow the girl and child the right to know and have some peace of mind.

This guy doesnt trust this girl, and I dont blame him. They live at opposite ends of the country, (Canada is BIG) and have plans for their respective futures. it would be near impossible to raise the kid together, and the father may wish to give the mother full custody voluntarily, given that he was not a part in any of the decisions to have and keep this child other than being the sucker that knocked her up that one night.

Not the best way to start a family. I feel bad for the little kid caught in the middle. Im not about to rearrange everything in my life to be a part of this..


Im looking to find some legal advice soon. The pat test hasnt been scheduled yet but I have a deep feeling im going to be found as the biological dad once its done.

Any thoughts on this issue would be great help!
 
If you are the father you will be responsible for support, there is no way around it. So brace yourself. Of course it may not have been you, but it seems she is narrowing it down.

Since she is on the other side of the country you won't have your life altered much at the moment other than paying child support. Child support is a legal and moral obligation, just accept it and move on.

The child has a right to know you and know you care, at least a little. Whatever you may feel now about the child, about being a father or about the mother, years from now you will look back and want to know you did the right thing, and you will appreciate that your child knows you and knows the situation and knows you cared and were interested.

So stay in touch, plan visits yearly, send birthday and christmas cards, stay on good terms with mom and in a few years plan some of your vacation time around the child. You can be absent, but don't be a mystery. Part of the development of a human is self-esteem from knowledge that they were loved and were important to their family. You are family.

Speak to your own parents and try to integrate them into all this.
 
For once I have nothing to add...Mess said it very plainly and very eloquently. Best advice you could get. Above all else, stay on good terms w/ Mom if you are the Daddy. Nasty court battle suck the big hairy one. Pay your support on time and in full, and send xmas/birthday gifts.

Sounds like she isn't asking you to be a full time daddy/provider, and if you are cool with that, then by all means play it that way.
 
Confused and lost said:
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Not the best way to start a family. I feel bad for the little kid caught in the middle. Im not about to rearrange everything in my life to be a part of this..
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Too late for the Daddy! You are a father, an equal parent to the child. You need to live up to your moral obligations to your child. It's not just about you anymore.

Good luck to all of you.
 
Up to 60%+ or more of your net income will gone every month for the next 20+ years. Co- creating and bringing a child into life is a very big deal. Your life as you know it is now over if you are indeed the father and new choices will be in frot of you to navigate. You should find the paternity test out ASAP.
I hope you become an important force in this child's life. The latest outcome research on child development show a sharp decline in realized potential to children that have no father/male guidance and influence( healthy fathers).
 
Sigmeund Freud once said;

"I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father's protection".

In my opinion, this includes more than just CS obligations.
 
staysingle said:
Up to 60%+ or more of your net income will gone every month for the next 20+ years.
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Not sure where you get the 60% number from, because unless I misread the guideline figures, most are about 10% of grosse income for c/s for 1 child or about 1/6th of net. So closer to 16%.
 
Thats what the guidelines say, I said " up to 60%+ or more of your income.....". You still need to factor section 7 expenses and possible imputation of income in the future.
There is an army of fathers, HammerDad, that make 80-120 k paying C/S for a couple of children, living in their car!. I would like them to answer your 16% statement ! The "guidelines don't mean shit to many judges. Glad to hear your only paying 16%.
 
Once again, Mess, you have said all that needs to be said - and you said it well.

My hat is off to you, Sir.

Cheers!

Gary
 
Nothing could be better than the advice you have recieved from Mess, it makes absolute sense, and will only benefit "your" child in the future.
 
Well Guys thanks for the words of advice and experience!

Ive been thinking hard about this and one big problem I have with the mess is I do not want to be a half way dad. It would kill me and be the outcome Im least comfortable living with. I grew up with a single mom, whos awesome, and know its not easy. She never went after my dad for CS and he was nice to contribute when he could. My dad and I have a stained relationship..

There is an alternative to this that I hadnt really considered but has gained a lot of traction with me and completely boosted my self esteem..

Theres an Ace up my sleeve and that would be to go and get full custody of the child. I can make a very solid case for this as Im quite stable and could provide an excellent life for any kid. I have 2 careers, some property and an amazing family behind me.

The girl is still in school, Studying at the UBC in kelowna.. Pretty hard to manage that while raising a little girl on your own wouldnt you say?
 
Confused and lost,
"To go and get full custody..." is NOT an ace up your sleeve pal. Your not going to get custody. If you think you can you are delusional.
1) get the paternity test done and find out if you are a father or not.
2) Do you have any "experience raising children on your own? if not don't pass judgment on this soon to be mother's ability to parent. In all likelihood she will do a great job as a mother
3) with "two careers" on the go where are you finding the time to "daddy?
 
For sure, until a paternity test is done, all I can do is speculate..

Im not trying to pass judgement of the moms ability to raise a child, but I would (speculating) question her ability to raise the funds required to provide all on her own if (speculating) she feels she needs my help.

As for my 2 careers.. I have 1 full time job, and family members just looking for someone to take care of during the day. Im versatile in the work force though, and despite the recent slowdown and future economic uncertainty, I have and will remain able to get by quite well.

I would like to know why you dont think I do have a shot at raising a child if it turns out to be mine. I understand mothers get all law on their side, but (still speculating) this could be something she could agree to as well.

Calling me delusional for believing Im a responsible caring adult that actually wants to do the right thing in the end is kind of hurtful. Youve never met me and Im really pretty awesome to sum it up :)
 
Why are you (speculating) about the soon to be mother's abilities? That's you not me doing that. Has either one of you has raised children yet? Mom seems to be working hard at obtaining a degree to support herself and a growing family. Is that a liability to her?
Lastly, your views revealed tell tale hypocrisy with you "and family members just looking for someone to take care of during the day"..... is this your idea of parenting? ....dumping junior off at relatives during the day ???

You say you want to do the right thing....taking a child away from a loving parent is always the wrong thing. You claim how can mom take care of baby if she is at school all day and then you say if baby was with you "relatives" will take of baby during the day. That's hypocritical of you!. I really don't think you are thinking clearly about any of this.
Tell me when do you think you will get "full custody" soon as baby is borne...one years old?...two year old?
Good luck to you
 
Ok staysingle, Ill try to give you some more info im not speculating on..

In my original post I mentioned the situation im facing is a girl just came to me and said she does not know who the father of her 4 month old infant is. She has a strong inclination its me, but there is another potential party involved and that guy is in Australia. It seems mom slept around. And I am trying to do the right thing by at least taking the first step and completely agreeing to a pat test. I wonder what went on for the past year and for it to end with the supposed dad that took a pat test after the child was born and revealed it was the wrong guy.

What I do know of the mom is she goes to school in kelowna and lives in a house with other students. Her mom has been supportive and lives in Calgary and her dad has been very unsupportive and lives in ontario.

I dont believe its very hypocritical to bring up that my family is supportive of me and whatever outcome happens. Family does come together at times like these and you find out just how much support you have.

What would be a more ideal situation for a child during the day? Dump them in daycare with strangers? Single parent families seem to be more common these days. Calling me delusional and a hypocrite isnt really constructive criticism or very helpful advice. In the end I came on here hoping to find out some advice from other adults facing difficult times, and what my rights and responsibilities are.
 
Another bit of info im not speculating on is this news has come and felt like a train derailment to both me and for sure the mom. Who in their right mind would want to be in this situation and what good person would not want the best possible outcome for everyone involved
 
Give yourself a few days to get over the shock a bit more, would be my first advice. You are still processing the news and how it might change your life. Once it settles a bit better, once you start moving beyond any hard feelings about how she may have deceived you over the last year, then you will be in a better spot to decide what to do.

Step one, get the paternity test done. Step two, prepare yourself for the possibility of a lengthy child support commitment. If the child is yours, that's your obligation, even if it turns out you never see her.

Step three, think of what is best for the child, should it turn out you are the father. Poor thing is going to be in a hard place all her life just because of the circumstances of her conception, which is not her fault in the least. The best thing for a child is to grow up knowing both parents love her and to have contact with both of them. If you spurn the mother and just send a CS cheque every month, your daughter will wonder why you never cared to do more, and if you hate her. If you fight for full custody and rip her from her mother, she'll grow up with a resentment for that, no matter how many more opportunities you think you can provide for her, or how much better you think it would be for her mother not to be saddled with this baby.

If you don't want to be a halfway dad, move to BC, and work on shared custody arrangements. If that's unworkable, figure out something with the mother where you can both raise the little girl despite being at different ends of the country. Maybe you have her during school terms and the mother has her during summer when she's off school, and you adapt as the mother graduates and your daughter grows up. The mother is not your enemy, not someone you are trying to fight. You barely know her, and she's certainly in a bad spot right now, what with her boyfriend dumping her after finding out she lied to him about being the dad. She probably panicked when she found out she was pregnant, made some mistakes to deal with it then, and now she's just as desperately trying to find a way to cope with her current situation. Can't you discuss this with her and find a way to collaborate?

Good luck!
 
Thanks Roie

I really do need to talk to the mom. She is currently visiting with her dad who still thinks the other guy is the father and just left them. I have been asked to kinda law low in the mean time.

My emotions are brewing and Im trying to collect as much input and guidance as possible. My mom has been epic and really awesome. Ive been coming to her with problems for years, it seemed like this was no surprise to her lol.

Its a well made point, and I dont enjoy the idea of tearing a child away from their mom. Im sure once the shock settles in and I realize this is how it is ill find a way to accept reality that life just isnt fair sometimes.


I would like to add that this girl and I may find a way to reach an agreement. She doesnt seem unreasonable.. but its difficult to trust right now. I feel like my attitude and ideas have changed a few times in a very short period of time. I guess time is all thats needed and the right path will be shown eventually.
 
It seems mom slept around
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LOL...so did you. You had a one night stand with someone you don't know and didn't protect either one of you. Obviously she has the burden of walking around pregnant and now with a newborn so she just can't hide it as well as you can.

I think you need to consider that its highly unlikely that a woman who has bonded with a small baby is going to hand them over to their bio-father in another province. Particularly since she barely knows you. I've given birth a couple times and I can tell you that it tends to lead to the woman being a little clingy...lol.

That being said, you may be a father and should consider helping in whatever way you can and exercising your rights to have access to your child. Its unfortunate that you aren't closer because its harder to have a child for the summer, for instance, when its a very small child. That being said, I'm sure there's lots of options for you to work something out and maybe avoid having to go to extreme legal means to do it. Since she's in school, maybe there is a chance that she could move closer to you and register/attend school where you are so that you can both see the child? It would be nice for her too since perhaps your family could help with child care while she's taking classes and studying?

Best of luck..and next time, wrap that thing up.
 
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