It's over with

[Gary M]

***sorry, but it's a pet peeve of mine, right up there with 'your', and 'you're'.

That is unfortunate, because you are mistaken: To insinuate is (among other meanings, such as to sneakily introduce oneself) to suggest or hint, and finds its roots in the latin for "to instill."

I'm with you on "your" and "you're" though, as well as "its" and "it's" along with "there", "their", and "they're." Of course, there is also "peaked", "peeked", and "piqued."

I didn't post this for any other reason than my desire to be a Mr Smarty Pants at the moment

Cheers!

Gary

 

[ambushed]

I completely agree with Gary. My stbx husband is very difficult to deal with in so many aspects, but I have never (and would never) go for anything other than joint custody (as all parents should unless a reason otherwise has been proven). Our children need to see both parents (in my opinion they should be able to see their mother, as much as the father). I rented a house 2 blocks away so our children can go back and forth easily between our houses (not just on swap days)...This is how all marital breakdowns should start (equal !)...

Congratulations to you...What an accomplishment ! Grab a drink and celebrate...

Joint custody has nothing to do with access. You can have joint custody and one parent may only see the child(ren) once a month for a few hours.

Sole and joint custody are about who has the right to decision making. The amount of time spent with each parent can vary and is decided by both parents. Shared custody is the only type of custody where the amount of time the child(ren) must spend with each parent is dictated by the law - min 40% with each.

My issue is with shared custody as it forces the child(ren) to go back and forth between the parents almost equally. It is assumed that this is best for the child(ren) but, IMHO and based on my experience and that of many other divorced parents I know, it is not necessarily the best scenario. We, as adults, decide what is best for our children based on our ideal vision of life but forget what it's like to be a child, especially a teenager (who more often than not could not care less to do things with their parents). IMHO, great relationships with our kids are built on good communication not the amount of time we spend with them.

IMHO, when the parents do not have an amicable relationship, joint custody with primary residence at one home at least 70% of the time, is better for the child(ren). I have no opinion as to if the child(ren) should reside with the mom or the dad, that entirely depends on the situation. IMHO, I also feel that siblings should never be separated until they are teenagers and decide this is what they want. IMHO, the child(ren) need stability and need to feel at home in one place.

From the session our divorce support group held with the teenage children who were in a shared custody situation, all said that it affected their lives negatively. The examples they gave were that they couldn't feel part of their group of friends because they were constantly going back and forth on alternate weekends which interfered with activities or just hanging out. They said that the house rules were so different in each household that they were confused as to what was right or wrong. They felt the tension between their parents on a daily basis and they felt they had to act one way with one parent and another way the other.

This session was an eye opener for me. My daughter had always told me she was happy with the way things were but she has since told me she felt the same as I just detailed but that she had been afraid to hurt my feelings by asking to move to her dad's. I was going through some really difficult times with my health issues and finding a job that would allow me to be financially stable with an employer who would understand my limitations. My ex was aware of this and rather than discussing options with me, he told my daughter she had the right to decide who she wanted to live with. He also told her that mom would not allow her to leave so she should be prepared for a battle. He literally sent her home to me to announce she was leaving the next day. She should never have been put in this situation. This was an adult conversation her dad and I should have had beforehand.

I did feel betrayed that she "chose" him over me but I now know that she wasn't choosing anything more than stability in one home. She had been feeling guilty about leaving me the way she did until we went on vacation a few weeks ago and we finally discussed the situation. She now knows that I am not angry and that it is always better to address issues and be honest about feelings rather than simply walking away and hoping issues will go away (my ex's way of always handling conflict). I am angry with the ex for the way this was handled.

Had I known how shared custody would affect our daughter, I would never had agreed to it. Her dad now lives closer to her high school and she wanted to be close to her friends. She feels less torn because she only has one set of rules (I don't agree with many of them but unless they affect her safety, I stay out of it). It is extremely difficult for me not to have her in my daily life and I only see her every couple of weeks, with phone calls in between. At first I insisted we see each other more often because I felt she needed her mom to be part of her life on a regular basis but that only caused resentment because she, again, felt that it interfered with her life. As soon as I realized I was being selfish and saw her point of view, our relationship changed drastically. IMHO, I feel that we lose touch with the reality of what a teenager needs - space.

I know my posts are always long-winded, but that's me. If you don't like it, don't read.

ambushed
"The opinions expressed herein are solely my own and do not represent the views and opinions of the other members of this forum and are not meant to imply that everyone should hold the same opinions"

 

[iceberg]

Congratulations dadforlife

Going through custody battle for 2 1/2 years without a lawyer must have been tough.

I hope you stay with us here and share some of your knowledge with mothers and fathers who come here for help.

 

[baldclub]

Yaaay Brother!!!

Hey dadforlife, congrats and maybe I will join you next week? : )

Well, I think my story will be also be drawn out longer, but there might be some respite in my situation in court after the lying my ex did to the police recently.

 

[dadforlife]

Thank you

Thank you

Thank you all.

It is exaclty posts like these previouse ones that were invaluble to me. The difference in opinions, attitudes, genuine pain, anger, despaire, successes, failiures and right down to trying to empathise with those who feel the best course of action is revenge, selfishness and personal gratification.

That is in part what helped me trace my course of action. I took it all in perspective and analyse it to the best of my knowledge and applied it to my situation to see what the best possible outcome would be.

If self representing is your last option don,t be intimidated, at lease try not to be, i was at first but it had to be done. The more I got involved in the process the more I got to understand it. And the more I understood it, the more confident I became. Doesn't mean I agreed with it. It does however take up a lot (most) of your time but, if you realy want it.........

I have a very good idea of some of the challenges ahead.

I take it one step at a time.

First, convince the court that i am not the monster that she made me out to be, stand up to the CAS when trying to be convinced that i should give up if I realy love my children, face a court system that is still not getting it or just refuse to get it and bang my head against a wall to prove to them that im a good parent and that i have the right to parent, not just once in a while and that my children have the right to have a father in their lives more than just once in a while.

I have to admit that most Judges were very good and understanding but it would only take one Judge to fall for her emotional game to set everything back to the dark ages.

Next, Try and manage the communication problems that may and will arise in the same maner that I have used to get to were i am now.

It is her behavior towards the situation that will determine her relationship with her children. My behavier so far has won me a good and wide open communication style and trusting relationship with my children. She still stands to lose more if she choses that path.

I also asked the judge for a follow up in 6 months to see how thing are. Just to keep everyone on the strait and narrow. Judge was more than please to put that in the agreement.

I would be kidding myself if I thought I would be were I'm at today if it were not for family, friends and even well wishing suport from posters on this forum.

Ya, I did have a few brews, right after i cam back from fishing with the kids

LIKE YOU SAID 2 1/2 years to get to here, were it should have been..... 2 1/2 years ago.

I've been coming to this site for nealy 2 years almost on a daily basis now, mostly to read what posters are going thru, how they deal with the information the get and if it can apply to me. If my experience can help someone who is in it for the right reasons i.m happy to help if I can

Cheers

 

[dadforlife]

Persuinghappiness,

I have a family friend, female, who is going thru a very similar situation so I agree you, it does happen the moms also. But the facts are there for everyone to see. More often than none, just being a dad means you start at a disadvantage. and that is very frustrating and hurtfull.