Is ex introducing affair partner. Custody issue?

S

Stephenl

New member
Background:
My ex and I are still before the courts with a 50-50 access arrangement in place for six months. Both of us are seeking sole custody.
After discovering her affair, we tried for six months to salvage things but failed. She has now introduced our children on several occasions to the person she had the affair with.
Will a judge consider this if we can't agree on custody?
 
I was told by a previous lawyer that the courts will wish that a parent be with the current partner for 6 months before introductions. I don't believe that they will care too much how the parties met.

My current wife was married before. Her husband cheated on her while she was pregnant and they broke up. When they were working out the access schedule he was only getting supervised do to other issues and the court allowed him to bring the woman that he cheated with for the visits. At this point they were only separated for 5 months. He only ended up going to one visit and brought her along.

As they have now been introduced its hard to change that. However if they split it may be possible to have a clause that no parent introduces children to partner for so many months however it will be a hard clause to enforce in my opinion.
 
Stephenl said:
Background:
My ex and I are still before the courts with a 50-50 access arrangement in place for six months. Both of us are seeking sole custody.
After discovering her affair, we tried for six months to salvage things but failed. She has now introduced our children on several occasions to the person she had the affair with.
Will a judge consider this if we can't agree on custody?
Click to expand...

No. A judge will consider the parent's fitness as a parent, not their overall character, in making custody decisions, and custody should not be used to "punish" a parent for their conduct as a spouse. Introducing the kids to the person she had the affair with is tacky, but it's not abusive or neglectful, which is what would affect a judge's decision.
 
Thank you.
"A judge will consider the parent's fitness as a parent, not their overall character, in making custody decisions, and custody should not be used to "punish" a parent for their conduct as a spouse."

My rational for asking was not to redress my feelings, but rather because I believe it is one more example of poor judgement when it comes to parenting.

She set the tone by seeking sole custody, and I have responded in the same way.
 
Do you honestly and truly feel, and have a case built to prove, that sole custody is in the best interests of the children as opposed to simple retaliation for her asking?

If you are asking solely based on spite, you will both come across as unreasonable and judges do not look favourably on this. You would be wise to come up with a suitable and detailed plan that is based on joint custody and shared parenting that is in the best interests of the children and let her look unreasonable should she wish to pursue sole custody. This shows that you understand and acknowledge her role and involvement with the children is important to them and that you are willing to work with her cooperatively to facilitate a relationship with both of you.

If you can't do that, you are headed toward a lengthy and expensive trial where neither of you will be happy with the outcome, as you are putting all of the decisions in the court's hands as opposed to being reasonable and working together towards a common goal: raising your children.
 
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Stephenl said:
Thank you.
"A judge will consider the parent's fitness as a parent, not their overall character, in making custody decisions, and custody should not be used to "punish" a parent for their conduct as a spouse."

My rational for asking was not to redress my feelings, but rather because I believe it is one more example of poor judgement when it comes to parenting.

She set the tone by seeking sole custody, and I have responded in the same way.
Click to expand...

That's a race to the bottom, not a winning strategy. A judge will respond favourably to a parent who appears reasonable and willing to co-parent, even if they they detest the spouse. You are much more likely to arrive at a good solution if you seek joint custody rather than sole.

Introducing kids to a new partner isn't obviously poor judgment - you may disagree with it, but it's nowhere near the level of parental misbehavior that would justify sole custody to you. And your ex is entitled to her personal life, including introducing new boyfriends/girlfriends to her kids when she thinks it's appropriate (even if you don't). I suggest you forget about the affair partner and move on.
 
Introducing kids to new people is an important thing as it teaches them important social skills. If you ex tells your child that "hey, here is your new dad, and he is banging me because your dad didn't do it properly" is poor parenting and a kind of parental alienation.
On the other hand if your ex-wife just introduces the guy to the kid, they are having quality activities together and your child enjoys the time and develop friendship with the new partner, it is completely fine and likely the court would be happy to see that your ex has a stable life and capable of building healthy relationships.
 
When I attended the MIP sessions a couple weeks ago (ontario courts). They made it clear that morality wasn't a matter for the courts.

My understanding with relationships is that they should only be introduced once there is stability. Otherwise the child is confused by the revolving door of sig others.
 
blinkandimgone said:
Do you honestly and truly feel, and have a case built to prove, that sole custody is in the best interests of the children as opposed to simple retaliation for her asking.

I would be willing to agree on joint custody, but fear that she will be rewarded for intransigence or will have less incentive to compromise if I don't seek sole custody also.

I have attempted to avoid going through the courts from the outset, but have had little choice because of how my ex. has proceeded. I do have reasons for sole custody as I'm sure she does also. Again, I'm willing to compromise in the best interest of everyone, but dread losing influence in important decisions.
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Men getting sole custody except in newsworthy cases or some logistical impossibility has a snowball's chance in hell.
 
Links17 said:
Men getting sole custody except in newsworthy cases or some logistical impossibility has a snowball's chance in hell.
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If we are truly talking about the best interest's of the child (and not the financials) sole custody is a bad idea unless there are very serious reasons to deny 50/50 parenting.

More and more fathers are being granted sole custody, it's rare I'll admit, but it used to be not at all - so judgements are slowly improving.

Let's not forget that there are parents out there (male/female) who for whatever reasons, do not want the responsibility of raising their own kids.

In this case the OP already has 6 months of status quo at 50/50, and as far as I can see there is no reason for a judge to want to change that.
 
Thanks. I should clarify.
I don't believe 50-50 access to be in jeopardy, but I am concerned about legal decision making (sole custody v. joint custody).
There is no reason to believe we wouldn't agree on medical and religious decisions, however, those related to which school the children willl attend could potentially arise one day.
 
Stephenl said:
Thanks. I should clarify.
I don't believe 50-50 access to be in jeopardy, but I am concerned about legal decision making (sole custody v. joint custody).
There is no reason to believe we wouldn't agree on medical and religious decisions, however, those related to which school the children willl attend could potentially arise one day.
Click to expand...

With joint custody, your ex wouldn't be able to determine which school the kids will attend - you and she would have to come to some sort of agreement.

Do you really believe that your ex is incapable of providing informed input into decisions concerning schooling? Even parents who are incarcerated or hospitalized have had joint custody, because they are capable of understanding the importance of decisions affecting the kids and of taking part in these decisions.

Seeking sole custody because you think you might disagree with your ex somewhere down the line about schooling is not going to fly. Neither is seeking sole custody because your ex introduced the kids to her boyfriend. If you proceed in this way, you will look stubborn and petty to a judge. This strategy could backfire - if a judge is faced with two parents each of whom insists on sole custody and neither of whom will compromise, the judge is just as likely to award sole custody to your ex as to you.

If however you come in seeking joint custody with a clear parenting plan, you are showing that you are a reasonable and co-operative parent, and a judge is not likely to take custody away from you, unless there's some really pressing reason why you shouldn't have custody.

The way the wind is blowing, most contested custody cases end up as joint, unless one parent is really, objectively, demonstrably incapable of parenting. Much better to prepare for this outcome than to prepare for an outcome which you aren't likely to get.
 
Stephenl said:
Thanks. I should clarify.
I don't believe 50-50 access to be in jeopardy, but I am concerned about legal decision making (sole custody v. joint custody).
There is no reason to believe we wouldn't agree on medical and religious decisions, however, those related to which school the children willl attend could potentially arise one day.
Click to expand...

With joint custody, your ex wouldn't be able to determine which school the kids will attend - you and she would have to come to some sort of agreement.

Do you really believe that your ex is incapable of providing informed input into decisions concerning schooling? Even parents who are incarcerated or hospitalized have had joint custody, because they are capable of understanding the importance of decisions affecting the kids and of taking part in these decisions.

Seeking sole custody because you think you might disagree with your ex somewhere down the line about schooling is not going to fly. Neither is seeking sole custody because your ex introduced the kids to her boyfriend. If you proceed in this way, you will look stubborn and petty to a judge. This strategy could backfire - if a judge is faced with two parents each of whom insists on sole custody and neither of whom will compromise, the judge is just as likely to award sole custody to your ex as to you.

If however you come in seeking joint custody with a clear parenting plan, you are showing that you are a reasonable and co-operative parent, and a judge is not likely to take custody away from you, unless there's some really pressing reason why you shouldn't have custody.

The way the wind is blowing, most custody arrangements end up being joint, unless one parent is really, objectively, demonstrably incapable of parenting. Much better to prepare for this outcome than to prepare for an outcome which you aren't likely to get.

ETA: It also doesn't really make sense to say that you're fine with 50/50 access, but you want to make all the decisions yourself. If your ex is a good enough parent to have the kids half time, why is she not good enough to take part in decision-making?
 
My ex introduces a new man every 6 month to my kid and I never complain but she makes the kid kiss her man and takes him to his house which i dont like.
 
Unless younare concerned with a possible mobility move on the part of your ex what is sole going to,give you vs joint? My daughter has joint custody and recently her ex asked about making a decision on schools. Conversation was simple

Dad "we should talk about which school S3 will go to in the fall"
Mom " sure. So he is catholic and there are 2 catholic schools in the catchment area". One is French and one is English. What do,you,think we should do?"
Dad " hmm well i guess we send him to,the English Catholic School as he is English Speaking"
Mom " okay, do we need to put this,in writing"
Dad " I will send you an email to that effect"

Education Decision Making Done

My point is there are not a lot of big important decisions to make in most childrens lives so why not have 2 inputs of opinion?

Joint custody is only joint decision making on certain elements. By the time there are important decisions regarding school your child will be calling the shots not either of you.

Concentrate on the important stuff.
 
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