Is claiming domestic violence in a divorce 'worth' it?

Is the house owned or rented.

I am wondering if there is a little bit of mutual conflict here between parties? I know when I was in an abusive relationship the last thing I would ever dream of doing was he was getting angry was call him an idiot. .
 
The house is owned, by me. I owned it prior to him, and I anticipate it would be the only contentious issue. There would be no support as we make almost the same money. I want him to, ideally, pay him a lump sum to walk away, and leave what he came in with, because he didn't contribute to the home in the 4 years he lived in it (except for maybe $2000 in a couple small payments to help me with bills, when he could afford it). In return I won't take half of the big WSIB payment he's going to be getting from the year he was off work, or half of his $50K in tools, etc etc. Just walk away. I want to try to persuade him to do that, anyways.

There's no mutual conflict. Like I said before, I'm not a fearful little mouse when he's angry. If he's in my face yelling at me and says something stupid, I'll call him on it, like when I called him an idiot. I don't have to sit there and take his shit.
 
goosie77 said:
There's no mutual conflict. Like I said before, I'm not a fearful little mouse when he's angry. If he's in my face yelling at me and says something stupid, I'll call him on it, like when I called him an idiot. I don't have to sit there and take his shit.
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Concerning statement to say the least. This kind of conflict and problem resolution won't make things better. In fact, if you contribute to the conflict any allegation you make against the other party there will be equal evidence from that party to deal with if the matter were to go to court or the police were called.

If you are truly in a dangerous situation. Please remove yourself form it, seek a safe environment and do not do as you stated above. Some times strength doesn't come from fighting but, from leaving and finding a better channel (e.g. therapy) to deal with the emotional challenges from a failed relationship.

Good Luck!
Tayken
 
yep the house is going to be the hard part. Legally it became half his when you married. How much equity is in the house? Did he own the tools before you were married? Believe me its not all cut and dried like you think.

calling him on things when he is angry does make it a mutual conflict.
 
goosie77 said:
There's no mutual conflict. Like I said before, I'm not a fearful little mouse when he's angry. If he's in my face yelling at me and says something stupid, I'll call him on it, like when I called him an idiot. I don't have to sit there and take his shit.
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That certainly screams mutual conflict... just because you don't physically touch him, you are engaging in the conflict by such statements. To say you are not engaging in mutual conflict is hard to believe as you openly admit that you verbally abuse him.

As for the house...you may not be so lucky...it is great to hope, but it is clear you are both wrapped up in conflict. He could have contributed $0, but being the mat home, it will still be split 50/50. His tools, if they are for his personal business, you may not be able to touch and really why would you want to?
 
To the OP: that's quite the declaration - that you are not a "mouse" and that you can stand up to him. However, when he's got you up against the wall choking you and telling you that it's women like you, that make husbands kill their wives and then themselves, you are the mouse. Presumably he is physically stronger than you are. Correct me if I'm wrong.

Hopefully you can sort out your equalization issues and steer clear of anyone who resorts to physical violence and threats of same.
 
To answer your question, claiming DV is not worth it. No fault divorce means just that, you dont't need a reason to divorce.
DV has become a buzz word that the courts are beginning to role their eyes at.
If you are in an abusive relationship you need to get out!!!!!!!!
Yelling and standing up to an abusive partner is not a responsible thing to do. He isn't scared of your slurs or name calling and it does escalate the situation.
Family Law is not as cut and dry as you may think, and an abusive person doesn't change their colours just because you say the relationship is over. The abuse continues it just takes on a different flavour.
Property maybe easy to divide but the MH does have very clear rules, so just be aware as you move forward.
 
I don't think it's necessarily cut and dried, but I'd like to try to make it cut and dried if I can by not being a vindictive bitch about things as I said.

He owned his tools before we got married, however they are not used for his 'business', he is a mechanic, but his employer provides his tools at his job site. I don't want half of his tools, but if he wants half of the value of the house, then I should be able to subtract half the value of his tools, yes?

hadenough- I don't know if you're trying to piss me off or trying to make me feel like a poor helpless victim or what, but it isn't working. I know what he did, and I know how much strength he has on me, thanks. I know I've made mistakes in staying with him while his issues escalated, and am going to now attempt to rectify them.
 
momforever1956 said:
To answer your question, claiming DV is not worth it. No fault divorce means just that, you dont't need a reason to divorce.
DV has become a buzz word that the courts are beginning to role their eyes at.
If you are in an abusive relationship you need to get out!!!!!!!!
Yelling and standing up to an abusive partner is not a responsible thing to do. He isn't scared of your slurs or name calling and it does escalate the situation.
Family Law is not as cut and dry as you may think, and an abusive person doesn't change their colours just because you say the relationship is over. The abuse continues it just takes on a different flavour.
Property maybe easy to divide but the MH does have very clear rules, so just be aware as you move forward.
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I can contest to this and am still dealing with it. Perhaps some preparation as to what reading materials would best meet the needs of this poster can be recommended?

I have read many of William Eddy's books and have found them extremely helpful.

The abuse does continue as momforever explains. It is a cycle and does not end easily, even though you may want it to.

How you proceed is up to you. If you wish to escalate matters by 'raging' back, you may have an increase of issues and perpetuate the cycle further.

Divorce brings out the worst in people and often times an abusive relationship becomes even more abusive and dangerous.

Stay safe, stay smart, stay sane.
 
If he had the tools before marriage he then brought them into the marriage he gets to leave with those tools...however you don't get to do the same with the mat home. You could argue that he only gets to share in the increase value of the mat home from the time of marriage, instead of splitting it 50/50.

Example... if the house has equity of 20K at the time of marriage and now has equity of 50K, he should be entitled to half of 30K, which is the increased value from the time of marriage. This would be true providing he did not live in that house prior to marriage.

Knowing this man is abusive and choosing to stay is not going to help you, you are risking your own safety for nothing. You should be getting out of the house and applying for exclusive possession.
 
Yes, I am assuming he would get half of the equity. I'm not positive of how much that would be, exactly, but it would probably be somewhere around 40-50K.

ETA- wouldn't it be the half the value of the increase in equity since when we were married and now? i.e. since I owned the home for years before we were married? The TOTAL equity in the house is probably over 120K, but the majority of that was when the house was solely mine.
 
goosie77 said:
Yes, I am assuming he would get half of the equity. I'm not positive of how much that would be, exactly, but it would probably be somewhere around 40-50K.

ETA- wouldn't it be the half the value of the increase in equity since when we were married and now? i.e. since I owned the home for years before we were married? The TOTAL equity in the house is probably over 120K, but the majority of that was when the house was solely mine.
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Doesnt matter. If you would have had the house paid off before you married him he would still be entitled to half the value.
 
OP: I have no interest/reason to try and piss you off. I was in a relationship (I'm ashamed to say) similar to yours, and (more 'shame' on me) for longer.

There's nothing sarcastic about anything I said. Quite the contrary. Keep yourself safe and don't give out second chances to a man who treats women like that. If you can get out of this for 50k, count yourself lucky and don't look back.
 
hadenough said:
OP: I have no interest/reason to try and piss you off. I was in a relationship (I'm ashamed to say) similar to yours, and (more 'shame' on me) for longer.

There's nothing sarcastic about anything I said. Quite the contrary. Keep yourself safe and don't give out second chances to a man who treats women like that. If you can get out of this for 50k, count yourself lucky and don't look back.
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Never feel ashamed. I was in one to and I know how the abusers work. They whittle down your self-esteem, your confidence and whatever else that makes you, you. They cut you off from support from famiy and friends. Those are the true abusers.

I am not sure if your relationship was similiar to hers as she admits to pushing his buttons when he was angry.
 
There are many books that can give you an insight to an abuser, one I suggest is, "Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft.
There are many support groups for victims and it is a good idea to look into this, depending on where you live etc.
There is a bottom line, (the accountant in me) GET OUT!!!!!!!
 
Thank you SOS, you are very wise. I can't help but feel some embarassment (even when we are in court) that I was "with" such a creep. The good news is: it will NEVER happen again :)

I did not "push his buttons" on the 2 occasions he got physical with me. If I had, I feel quite certain he would have done some real (physical) damage to me.

Over the course of my relationship w/him, esp in te last few years of it, I made it very clear to him, and with my words that I loathed him. I too became verbally abusive, towards him (in response to his verbal attacks on me). I became so verbally abusive in fact that there was/is nothing left to say to him. I have called him every possible name, descriibed in great detail to him how repulsive he is etc. There was literally nothing left to say.

I take a lot of comfort in the fact that I will never be in any relationship like that again. I won't tolerate any abuse/control from anyone and I have no (natural) desire to bash someone with my words. I prefer silence over any/all useless arguments. Admittedly, I do sometimes find this forum to be a bit of an outlet at times and I have been argumentative with a few select posters.
 
goosie77 said:
Yes, I am assuming he would get half of the equity. I'm not positive of how much that would be, exactly, but it would probably be somewhere around 40-50K.

ETA- wouldn't it be the half the value of the increase in equity since when we were married and now? i.e. since I owned the home for years before we were married? The TOTAL equity in the house is probably over 120K, but the majority of that was when the house was solely mine.
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Yes, what you describe would be fair.

Unfortunately, he might get half the matrimonial home anyway. Increase in value applies to everything... except the matrimonial home.

Probably best to settle quickly, before he realizes that he can grab half of the home, while you cannot touch his tools.

That said, while family law is unfair, you can twist it to be unfair in your favour. Provoke another argument, then get the cops involved when he becomes abusive. Even if he doesn't become abusive, you know he meant to, so just talk about previous events, but make them sound like he just did it. Get a restraining order, and exclusive possession of the home.

Then, while he is struggling with the criminal law system, offer to make everything go away if he signs a separation agreement on your terms. He'll probably be happy to comply. As others have said, no need to officially make the divorce about domestic violence, you'll have your divorce in the year. The important thing is to win financially, and you can do it if you take the correct steps.

Try to play fair, and you are possibly going to lose half of your house.

Your call.
 
Janus said:
Yes, what you describe would be fair.

Unfortunately, he might get half the matrimonial home anyway. Increase in value applies to everything... except the matrimonial home.

Probably best to settle quickly, before he realizes that he can grab half of the home, while you cannot touch his tools.

That said, while family law is unfair, you can twist it to be unfair in your favour. Provoke another argument, then get the cops involved when he becomes abusive. Even if he doesn't become abusive, you know he meant to, so just talk about previous events, but make them sound like he just did it. Get a restraining order, and exclusive possession of the home.

Then, while he is struggling with the criminal law system, offer to make everything go away if he signs a separation agreement on your terms. He'll probably be happy to comply. As others have said, no need to officially make the divorce about domestic violence, you'll have your divorce in the year. The important thing is to win financially, and you can do it if you take the correct steps.

Try to play fair, and you are possibly going to lose half of your house.

Your call.
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WTF kind of advice is that. Push his buttons, make him hit you and then lie to the police??? Very bad advice.
 
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