Is claiming domestic violence in a divorce 'worth' it?

G

goosie77

New member
I am at the point where I am considering getting out, finally.

Only been married 3 years, but things have been getting worse in terms of general not getting along, but there has been ocassional violence. I have been pushed into walls a few times, once in a fight I called him an idiot and he pinned me to the bed by my neck, fist to my face, saying he'd kill me if I ever called him an idiot again. We stayed together, tried to make it work... then 2 nights ago we went out, came home and started fighting about stupid stuff (i.e. him not snowblowing the driveway, saying that *I* should have shoveled it myself after I'd come home from work, despite him being home all day)... anyways, he was yelling at me, I was sitting down waiting for him to shut up, and he decided to come at me, pushed me back into the wall so hard my head bounced off it, then choked me for about 10 seconds while yelling at me. Then said I'm apparently 'the reason men kill their wives then kill themselves'. Then asked me to leave the house so I 'wouldn't see what happens next'. He left the room, I heard him dragging things out of the closet, where his gun cabinet is. I called 911.

So I think I probably have enough to claim domestic violence to get the hell out of this shit sooner than waiting 1 year. But if I do claim it, am I going to have to get a lawyer, 'prove' things, fight it out and drag things out moreso than if we just go our separate ways for a year? Will it be messier and more difficult for me, I wonder?

I am HOPING I can get him to agree on a separation agreement between just us two, bring it to a lawyer and have it filed to cut down on costs, and then potentially file the divorce paperwork ourselves too. Am I crazy to think that can be done smoothly if I claim domestic violence?

Thanks in advance.
 
I am just hoping to get it all done and over with quickly, not have to deal with him again in a year from now. I could prove what happened Friday night as the police did come, but I don't know if it will just make it messier that way. I want things to be as quick and painless as possible, though I realize that rarely happens.
 
goosie77 said:
I am just hoping to get it all done and over with quickly, not have to deal with him again in a year from now. I could prove what happened Friday night as the police did come, but I don't know if it will just make it messier that way. I want things to be as quick and painless as possible, though I realize that rarely happens.
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It would be less messy to go thru the one year separation.

You use to domestic violence angle then he may try and fight you every which way he can. In fact the domestic violence thing may drag it out more. The police were there but was he arrested? Is he going to be charged and go to court?
 
Agree with standingonthesidelines. I'm not dismissing your assaults in any way, but you don't need them to get divorced, and the time frame really won't be any different. Because of the paperwork involved it will take a year anyway.

The positive thing about the year wait is that tempers cool (hopefully) and people move on (hopefully.)

You need to either move out immediately or get a restraining order and exclusive possession of the home immediately. As soon as you take the first step to divorce, the situation will escalate. You need to be in a safe place.

If you have no kids and you have a place to go, then the best solution is to just go. The paperwork can be sorted out later.

Filing for divorce immediately and citing abuse can give you some satisfaction that is all on the record, and that can be important. But keep in mind it will also antagonize your ex and make them even more hostile and drag things out and possibly have things become more dangerous. Only you can be the judge of which is better for you, but if it were me, I would just go and not look back.

The concept of a quicker divorce due to cited abuse has to be compared to the increased antagonisim from the ex because you are putting the issue front and centre in the divorce. It's your call, but if you want out, just get out. Let your lawyer file the papers and don't involve yourself more than you have to.
 
Violence is unaccceptable.

Divorce in Ontario is 'no-fault', meaning you don't need a 'reason' to divorce.

Claiming abuse won't be a factor on your divorce being granted, or in the amount of time it takes for the process to unfold.
 
Was he arrested/charged?

You need to plan your exit. Don't tell him you're leaving or filing for divorce. Speak to a women's shelter. Someone will be available to speak to you and help you develop a safety/exit plan. Things will absolutely escalate when he knows you are filing for divorce/speaking to lawyers.

What did the Police say? Are the weapons still in the house? By your description, he sounds like a ticking timebomb. Do not engage in arguments with him. Do not "tell him" what you are "plannng to do." Just plan it and DO it. I hope there are no children involved.
 
all good advice^

Keep in mind Christmas/holidays always see a rise in domestic violence.

Get through this time and make sure booze/drugs are not involved.

You can always call 911 and ask to be taken to a women's shelter for protection.
 
There are no kids involved. I'm not going to a shelter or leaving my home, he's gone to stay at his mother's home anyways. He claimed he wasn't going for his guns, but for wrapping paper, but I heard his keys jingling. He was half in the bag at the time, now he's claiming he didn't do anything wrong... this was via text. I told him to stop contacting me.

I'm quite sure in retrospect he was trying to be dramatic and 'scare' me, he's always been the type to create drama and exaggerate everything to garner sympathy, but still, no excuse for being a jackass. The police came here and spoke to me and said they'd try to locate him, I'm not sure whether they did or not. I know he hasn't been arrested though. I didnt tell them he choked me... I didn't say yes or no when she asked me though either, I didn't want him to get arrested and have his life ruined. I still care about what happens to him, as stupid as that may sound.
 
goosie77 said:
There are no kids involved. I'm not going to a shelter or leaving my home, he's gone to stay at his mother's home anyways. He claimed he wasn't going for his guns, but for wrapping paper, but I heard his keys jingling. He was half in the bag at the time, now he's claiming he didn't do anything wrong... this was via text. I told him to stop contacting me.

I'm quite sure in retrospect he was trying to be dramatic and 'scare' me, he's always been the type to create drama and exaggerate everything to garner sympathy, but still, no excuse for being a jackass. The police came here and spoke to me and said they'd try to locate him, I'm not sure whether they did or not. I know he hasn't been arrested though. I didnt tell them he choked me... I didn't say yes or no when she asked me though either, I didn't want him to get arrested and have his life ruined. I still care about what happens to him, as stupid as that may sound.
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So are you planning on staying with him then/working things out?
 
My recommendation is to immediately eliminate the alcohol.
You might need some counselling in this area. There are many people who will help you.

Children are the priority. Make sure they are safe. If you or your partner have a drinking problem leave the kids with friends or family.

If you're living in a fog you won't be able to see the grass from the trees.
 
No, I am not planning on working things out. But I don't want to ruin his life just for the sake of doing so, either.

Arabian - nobody has a drinking problem. We had went out to a charity event at a bar that night and he had had a few beer. Neither of us drinks except for the occasional social event like that one.

Again, there are no kids.
 
To recap: You don't want to "ruin his life," but he's threatening yours.. That's kind of you to protect him like that. The next time he's choking you, you might want to re-think your position. You really should seek counseling - your self esteem has been lost.
 
My self esteem is just fine, and he won't be getting an opportunity to choke me again. I know I'm better than him and better than to take that, I just don't want to be a vindictive bitch on the way out, unless he forces my hand.
 
back to your original question about if it's good to claim domestic violence....

Canada is a no-fault divorce country. The only benefit from claiming physical or mental abuse or adultery is that if you are successful (like I was) you don't have to wait the full 1 yr before your divorce is granted. Seriously, that is the only benefit. Judges are precluded from taking reports of domestic violence when they determine property awards, child support or spousal support - AS THEY SHOULD. In Alberta things seem to go quicker for divorces than in Ontario so unless you live here I don't see what the benefit is to use abuse as a reason for your divorce. Bottom line - no one cares why you break up. Remember that the document you enter into court will outlive you and your kids will eventually have access to every dirty little detail of your divorce.

Matrimonial property and equalization determination is one thing.
Child custody and support is one thing.
Spousal Support, proof of eligibility of same, is another thing.

Be prepared to compartmentalize everything. In other words - if he was a bad boy it don't mean shit when it comes to money honey.
 
Goosie77,

Speaking from my own experience....we will always try to defend what's happened and minimize the assaults. It's easier and hurts less that way.

If you both don't get help- it will get worse. It won't get better on its own.

Abuse is about control.

Not all of it is physical either.

It took me a long time to get my head on straight. I was (and still am to degree) angry with myself for letting it happen. I still have nightmares, oh joy! (hence why I'm up).

One book I found helpful was 'the verbally abused' by Patricia Evans.

The divorce will be much more costly if its on grounds of abuse or infidelity (the only two clauses that allow for an immediate divorce). As you then have to either have his consent to the divorce and he also admits it(not likely), or you go to court to argue it. Even if he admits it- it's highly unlikely the divorce would go through before a year anyhow.

The year goes by very fast.

I wish you the best.
 
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goosie77 said:
My self esteem is just fine, and he won't be getting an opportunity to choke me again. I know I'm better than him and better than to take that, I just don't want to be a vindictive bitch on the way out, unless he forces my hand.
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Good on you g77.

Your only mistake was to include details of how everything went down which apparently invited everybody and their sister to voice their opinion on how you should deal with the abuse issue.

You got the (unanimous) answer to the one question you asked.

Good luck and I hope everything works out for the best.
 
Warning: Controversial Opinion

1. There are no children involved in the matter.

2. Your best opportunity as stated by others to protect yourself is to leave the relationship and remove yourself from the presence of the other party.

3. Divorce is "no-fault" and with no children involved in the matter equalization will still happen on a 50-50 basis generally. So alleging domestic violence won't get you anything really. It won't get you more support generally. As well, you are in a very short marriage so support (spousal) is a very low possibility.

4. The evidence to prove violence in the relationship to get a divorce done quickly often takes more time than the 1 year of separation does. You will have to get before the court and as children are not involved in the matter you can expect that the schedule to get you into trial to get a final decision will take 2-3 years or longer.

5. Leave the residence and then serve an offer to settle that is reasonable on the other party and notify the other party in writing that with service you are notifying them that you are now living "separate and apart". This will start the timer for when you can file for a divorce.

6. There are no children involved so really all you have to do is split any marital property and possibly deal with any support if applicable in the situation.

7. The best thing you can do is to eliminate the other party from your life and effectively end communications. I would recommend in your situation that you retain counsel and have them deal with the matter and just serve an offer to settle.

8. You are under no obligation to directly communicate with the other party for anything and you should retain counsel to deal with the other party on the matters of equalizing the marital assets and support (if applicable).

Good Luck!
Tayken
 
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