introducing....

natty2013

natty2013

New member
.... Hi everyone,

My wife and are in the process of divorcing after a six year marriage, with amicable intents, two young children. She was a stay-at-home mom while I worked full time (except for some periods of extreme stress during the near-end of our marriage). We are trying to avoid losing everything in a divorce through lawyers, so we are going to try mediation. We're in agreement that we want to do what's best for the kids and I've already offered significant spousal support and table amounts of child support beginning in the fall (currently I'm transferring over my entire pay every 2 weeks just to pay the bills for her while we still have the house - she is living there with our 2 children). Wish us luck!

nat
 
One of the first things you would be required to do if you both had lawyers would be for both of you to prepare a budget. Divorce isn't fun and usually both parties have to adjust their standards of living.

I think you are very smart to sign on to this forum. Familiarize yourself with the 'search' function and you will find there is plenty of information for you to access.
 
natty2013 said:
(currently I'm transferring over my entire pay every 2 weeks just to pay the bills for her while we still have the house - she is living there with our 2 children). Wish us luck!

nat
Click to expand...

Move back into the house- tomorrow. Understand, your children need you to be an equal parent. You will be relegated to EOW if you don't move back in and continue to parent your children.

If you are both intent on remaining amicable and coparenting, she should have no issues with you returning to the home, in a separate living space, in order to reserve your mutual funds until financial separation is complete.

eta; oops -- and welcome!
 
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I see my kids three times a week at least, and all day every Saturday. I still bathe them and put them to bed on those days, and we also tend to have fairly regular meals together as well.

Based on our situation, leaving the home was the only option... we do well for the sake of the kids, but there is no way we'll be living under the same roof again (we were both falling apart that way).
 
At the very least, get a written agreement signed by you and your soon-to-be ex stating that both parents intend to share parenting on a 50/50 basis. Get it notarized. These forums are full of people who moved out during the amicable phase of a divorce only to find that as things became less amicable, the party who stayed in the home claimed to be the "primary parent" and the party who moved out had to fight for equal parenting. If you and your STBX are truly on good terms, she won't have any issues with writing up an agreement stipulating shared parenting going forwards. And find yourself a living situation where you can have your kids stay overnight ASAP.
 
With all respect, your children and your future with them should be your priority. Are you prepared to have the SAHP govern their growth as they mature and dictate your access? That is the road you are on.

Dump the girlfriend/boyfriend short term and focus on parenting your children long term.
 
Welcome Natty!
I agree with all the above comments - basically you are not doing yourself a favor by leaving the matrimonial home. Do some research on "status quo" and how it pertains to family law.
You have the right idea with keeping the lawyers out of it and going for mediation. Hopefully things will not deteriorate and you and your soon to be ex (STBX) will have a cordial split. Spend as much time as possible with your kidletts and if it can be arranged, share the house (spare room) with your spouse ... until you have a signed separation agreement.

Good luck to you.
 
HAHA, you're getting played. Of course is amicable, you're giving her your entire salary and you've given her sole custody. Smarten up but don't make it so obvious that you know she is screwing you.

-Say you really missing seeing the kids and go home.
-Keep a recorder on at all times
-Do what you can to get her to get a job, do it in a super friendly way otherwise she is never going to work.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE if you still want to be a father (not an every other weekend clown + ATM mmachine) make some changes VERY quickly,

Also, button down the storm is coming.
 
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Basic negotiation: Avoid creating a situation where she is comfortable and she has no incentive to change it. You'd be appalled at how long it can take to restore an equitable arrangement via the courts when one party is intent on stalling (hint: years, not months).
 
If you ever want 50/50 access for your kids, then you have to start today. If you just want them every other weekend and maybe a weekday, then that is easy to get at any time.
 
It's already too late, he says things aren't working out so he nicely moved out well according to LAW you abandoned the marriage.

That's the future term get use to it. When you abandon the marriage you abandon the Primary Residence and the little things there like children and maybe the equity in the house.

It's also nice to give your ex provable support of half a months salary for the next 20 years (for a short term marriage)

I wonder how good everything will be if Mother Teresa gets a live in boyfriend or perhaps the poster gets a girlfriend.

Keep it out of the COURTS your already done there anyways, get a good separation agreement through mediation (actually do everything yourselves without a lawyer just get your contract witnessed dated and signed) and thro it into a cupboard for future reference if needed
 
Disagree with MrToronto's depiction.

Hard to justify the term 'Abandonment of marriage' when he is paying spousal voluntarily, and looking after the kids, and when it seems like it was a mutual decision for him to move out. You have not forfeited your share of the marital assets by moving out.

However, you have put yourself in a bad negotiating position, and I'd *guess* the only way to keep this out of the courts is for you to continue rolling over.

Your ex is getting the idea that she is entitled to stay in the home, with the kids, and with little change in her finances. She will not be happy with the reality that likely you may have to sell the house (she'd have to pay you half the equity to stay there).
 
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I think it's admirable that the two of you are trying to move on and not lose the precious equity the two of you have worked for. When two people get married and have children the last thing on your minds is the possibility of a marriage ending. Heed the advice of other people on this forum, however, because what you are doing today may greatly impact your family's future and overall well-being.

Of course you should be absolutely certain that divorce is right for you. Sometimes people can separate for a while, work on issues and then reunite. I hope you have explored all of the options because the decision to divorce will have a long lasting, if not permanent, impact on the two of you as well as your children, no matter how civil things are.

Depending upon the roles the two of you assumed during your marriage, there could be lots of adjusting. The biggie is financial. If you were the only person who worked outside of the home and paid the bills then I would strongly suggest that you give your STBX (soon to be ex) the tools and support she will need to start budgeting and paying her bills. Many people who are immersed in a role of primary child care provider simply do not know how to manage finances. Managing finances isn't just a matter of paying bills it's about budgeting and planning for future. Having an open and supportive dialogue about finances will go a long way in helping each other become less dependent upon the other. Some people adapt quickly, others not so quickly.

Preparing budgets together might be a good step. If possible, work on these budgets together. It would be naive to think that budget-planning is a one-time meeting. Be prepared to get together frequently and discuss the weekly expenses. By doing this you are giving each other full financial disclosure. Prior to having these regular "meetings" you might want to agree on some things that you agree shouldn't be discussed. Neutral locations to meet and have these discussions might be helpful.

If you can do this then you are leaps and bounds ahead of those of us who end up in lengthy and expensive family court litigation.
 
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dinky's right, the term Abandoned the Marriage or deserted or left the marriage has various degree's of meanings but make no mistake, there's going to be label slapped on Nats forehead at some point.

little blurb below (and note the blurb didn't even mention custody):

We live in a time when divorce is easy to get. Marital Abandonment can be hard to prove and the courts, except in severe cases are going to view abandonment as legally immaterial. In other words, the courts will not force a man or woman to stay in a marriage. The one who abandons the marriage will not be forced to return but he/she will be held financially responsible for things such as child support, spousal support and division of property.
 
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