Internet

Thanks everyone for your responses... I'm not specifically concerned that she has no Internet... My concern is using it as an excuse to not do homework. Take him to the library or anywhere else that has free Internet.

Btw it happened again this morning... Gets to my house and says I have more homework to do. This time it was only one question. It didn't even specifically need Internet. All he had to do was use 3 adjectives to describe Abraham Lincoln... So instead of helping him she uses it as an excuse and passes the buck.

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Fb_ do you see your son every weekend or are there weekends you don't see him? I know your ex isn't the easiest person to deal with, but if you at least talk to your son every weekend and he does have homework that requires the internet, would Mom be open to bringing him to your house for an hour to get some research done? I can't imagine at his young age requiring a lot of research. This seems more of a way to shove it in your face that she doesn't have internet.
 
I look at this as more inconsiderate than anything. The OP wasn't advised until the last minute of the need to assist, had he known, he may have been able to line some info up.

But outside of that, I see it as a non-issue. You can't change stupid. The ex apparently isn't adept at ensuring the kids school work is done. Unless I am mistaken, this isn't real news to OP, he's lived it before. OP will just need coping mechanisms to help him deal with stupid....venting here is a start.

At most, I may mention to the ex that should the kids need internet access to do their work, and she isn't able to get them to a library to do so, that she give you a heads up so you may be able to line stuff up and organize your time accordingly......but don't expect it. OP's ex just isn't built that way.
 
Berner_Faith said:
Fb_ do you see your son every weekend or are there weekends you don't see him? I know your ex isn't the easiest person to deal with, but if you at least talk to your son every weekend and he does have homework that requires the internet, would Mom be open to bringing him to your house for an hour to get some research done? I can't imagine at his young age requiring a lot of research. This seems more of a way to shove it in your face that she doesn't have internet.
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Yes, In fact I had him for an hour on Sunday after hockey, it's just I didn't hear about the homework until the voicemail at 7:00 pm (when I was working) on Sunday night. She told me I had to do this and that Monday morning because she didn't have internet.

He would obviously be welcome to use my internet, although when I don't have the kids I tend to keep myself busy. Again had I known we were at the hockey rink watching his sister practice Saturday morning and I would have taken him to the library to do it myself even though it was not my weekend. I guess I'm just frustrated and venting...
 
So back to my question, how should I address this if at all.

Send a polite email stating that I'd be more than happy to help with a little more notice. Suggest alternatives??
 
FB_ said:
So back to my question, how should I address this if at all.

Send a polite email stating that I'd be more than happy to help with a little more notice. Suggest alternatives??
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Dear Crazyhead:

I understand that you are experiencing difficulties with internet access at home. As you are aware, Kidlet needs access to the internet from time to time to complete homework assignments. Over the last week you have requestd that I assist in completing these assignments in the morning, before school.

Please remember that it can be difficult to both complete homework in the morning while also preparing kidlet for school. In future it would be most advantageous to kidlet if I was better prepared to help with this necessary task. All that I ask is that more notice be provided, or alternatively, that kidlet can spend the evening with me when such assignments come up.



But - FB - how do you want her to give you more notice? Phone calls???
 
She is on the way to losing custody....
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lol...She won't lose custody for not having internet access nor will she lose it for not helping with homework. This is simply the burden of the responsible parent to make up the difference for the deficient one....happens all the time.

My ex doesn't have internet, a phone, a TV, a radio or anything else in his house. There's been many days where he's left her alone without access to any outside communication method so she has to go to the neighbour's next door to call me to come and get her because he's gone. My daughter does her homework at my house and the timing is often not convenient.

You can communicate with her on this but I guarantee she'll just ramp up the drama to keep you talking to her...she won't fix the problem. She is self-focused and you're going to have to learn to deal with it.
 
Pursuinghappiness said:
lol...She won't lose custody for not having internet access nor will she lose it for not helping with homework. This is simply the burden of the responsible parent to make up the difference for the deficient one....happens all the time.

My ex doesn't have internet, a phone, a TV, a radio or anything else in his house. There's been many days where he's left her alone without access to any outside communication method so she has to go to the neighbour's next door to call me to come and get her because he's gone. My daughter does her homework at my house and the timing is often not convenient.

You can communicate with her on this but I guarantee she'll just ramp up the drama to keep you talking to her...she won't fix the problem. She is self-focused and you're going to have to learn to deal with it.
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You leave your kid in those conditions. What if there was an emergency?
This is just a piece of the pie.
 
If you have time do the homework. If you don't leave it be. The kid is 8 - this isn't med school. Mom already knows kid's homework isn't being completed - that's why she calls/tells you to finish it. Telling her again is futile at best.

As for the no phone, no internet in the other person's house while dad has access - I also think we are overthinking this. So what? We all survived without internet and cell phones growing up. And many of us didn't have telephones either. It really isn't that big of deal. And clearly kid has back up plan (note emergencies require emergency services) as the neighbour's house is an option when needed.
 
At one point people rode horses and ate with sticks, the horses gave you saddle rash and sticks infect your food. Sure nobody dies but a rash and an infection aren't fun
 
You leave your kid in those conditions. What if there was an emergency?
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No, I've given her instructions to call me from the neighbor's house and I pick her up or arrange for her to be picked up if I'm at work.

I brought this up more than once during our custody evaluation, however, my D was 12 at the time and the law isn't clear cut on when its ok to leave a child alone. There's no doubt that he puts my daughter in harm's way with this behavior so I do my best to mitigate what I can. I do not, however, have a case to remove all of his access. The evaluator's recommendation was that my ex purchase a cell phone for my D but he won't and I won't because I know that he will utilize it himself to make long distance calls, etc. I bought her a kindle to text me, however, he only has internet access when he can figure out how to steal it from one of his neighbor's homes.

In my opinion, my ex is a self-absorbed individual and a substandard father...always was and always will be. In time, I have no doubt that he'll erode the relationship he shares with our youngest D like he did with the oldest one but in the meantime, I honor the access arrangement that I have. I was lucky enough receive default sole custody but he has equal access...even though he certainly isn't interested in using it.

I actually look on his behavior as a positive. It encourages my D to find solutions and be creative and it helps me be a better mother since I have to make up for his deficiencies. Frankly, I enjoy being the parent our kids rely on...its not a burden to me. My ex wasn't much of a husband, isn't much of a father and I expect no parenting assistance from him. When you come to that conclusion, life is a whole lot easier. FB needs to come to the same point and stop banging his head against a brick wall. Asking for any type of assistance from people that only think of themselves is always a waste of energy.
 
Pursuinghappiness, just a thought - have you considered getting your daughter an old-school pager or beeper (just like the kind the drug dealers used to carry :))? Doesn't need internet, can't be used to make long-distance calls, and gives your daughter a way to contact you if necessary when she's alone.
 
Pursuinghappiness said:
Frankly, I enjoy being the parent our kids rely on...its not a burden to me. My ex wasn't much of a husband, isn't much of a father and I expect no parenting assistance from him. When you come to that conclusion, life is a whole lot easier. FB needs to come to the same point and stop banging his head against a brick wall. Asking for any type of assistance from people that only think of themselves is always a waste of energy.
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So true! even very young children have enough sense to figure out which parent is the 'solid' one. Growing up I learned to be self-sufficient long before I started grade school, my mother being ... unreliable (that's putting it nicely).

When Dad got home from work, it was such a relief for me to be able to simply act my age, to be a little kid again and feel secure. My father was a good role model, raising the four of us with hardly any help from our mother. He had very little expectations from his narcissistic spouse and dealt with it with as best he could - pressuring her to step up would have been pointless. One good parent was good enough for us.

It's rare that both spouses have the same parenting style or equal dedication.Though when it comes down to one being 'out to lunch', lacking even basic common sense, wishing it were different won't make it happen ... some people were clearly not meant to be parents.
 
stripes said:
... beeper (just like the kind the drug dealers used to carry :)
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Hilarious!

I used to buy marijuana in high school but that was probably long before beepers were invented.


It's nice not to have a cell phone. If someone wants to send me a message they can email me. I'm sure the kid does just fine without a cell phone. Some kids are even raised in the countryside and don't have cell access in some places.

In the old days there used to be "neighborhood watch" homes where children knew they could go if they had an emergency. Neighbors knew each other.
 
There's nothing you can do to change your ex. Not her refusal to have internet, and not her disinterest in the kid's homework success. The more you push, the more she'll resist. If anything, she's probably projecting the blame for her lack of internet onto you and sees the kid's resulting inability to do homework as your fault. If it inconveniences you, her punishment strategy is working. She's just trying a new tactic to suck you back into the drama.

The only thing you can do to address this situation is work around it. Get the kid to do as much of the homework assignments as possible at your house during your time, or when you have him near the library as you mentioned. If you know he will need to do some research on a particular topic while at her home, print some pages for him to bring there, or check out a book from the library. If homework ends up incomplete, he can honestly say to his teacher "I couldn't finish this because my mom doesn't have internet" and his teacher will have ideas for accommodating him. Stay in touch with the teacher about upcoming assignments so you don't have to be informed by your son or your ex.

This is just the next item on the list of ways your ex is trying to push your buttons. Just hit your mental reset button every time and help your son yourself.
 
At age 8 your son knows he has homework. He also knows if he has not done it. So Mom is not interested in helping him. But he can always ask you over the weekend. Obviously he is not that interested or motivated either, so I,would suggest that you check every weekend on his homework status.

All my,children had to write homework in a homework book, which, I,would check when they came home from school. I,had 3 girls. One would come home and get her work done, 1 would whine but,eventually get it done and the 3 rd would " forget " her book" on the bus. I knew my bus deliver well,had been to his house to retrieve the book on more than one occasion. Found out about homework at 7:30 on Monday. We had all the necessary resources.

My point is, your son is part of the issue here. He knows he has the homework. He is supposed to do this work on his own. If he requires the internet he needs to communicate with you that he needs it for homework. Concentrate on communicating this with him. Maybe a friendly concerned communication with Mom that son is avoiding his homework. Had you considered she might not be the culprit here?
 
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