Interesting question..common law and child support while living with me.

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You cannot prevent her from leaving with your son. And as I said earlier, the courts SUCK at enforcement. So start proposing some schedules that make it easy for her to agree - without bending over backwards. Include the overnights. Suggest at most 2-3 days with each parent, then switch. You need 3 or 4 overnights per week. Not 2. 50-50 is usually calculated from # overnights. You might find that daycare will be a necessity (i.e. when both of you work at same time) ... start looking into it. Don't fall into the trap of letting this be 'the lady's job' to arrange. Daycare alliances are important - they often see the mother as the customer and can be hostile to dads.

Start being out of the house with your son, doing stuff. This will increase her confidence in you being alone with your son, that you will always come back, and get her used to the 'quiet house', a good transition to the actual '2 houses' arrangement.

Start behaving as if 50-50 is the only possible option, this is the way it will be, because it is the reasonable thing to do. Start thinking about the practicalities of back and forth. Where will you exchange? Who will do the driving?

React positively to her relationship with your son .. don't give any hints that you think you can do things better, or that she is in any way inadequate, or that you intend to interfere in her parenting.

Get ready with equipment for overnights at both houses. You go and buy the stuff (another carseat, another crib, more baby gates, more bottles) - don't quibble about splitting the cost, just be ready.

When she moves out, start paying CS according to the offset method (i.e. look up the table amount for your income, and subtract the table amount for her income), and divide by 2. I'm assuming you are making more than she.

Start with solid foods and formula, to encourage reduction in breastfeeding. Keep records of breastfeeding schedule leading up to her move out date.

Just ... make it so (in 6 days!).

Then, if she starts refusing, you are golden (i.e. organized, cooperative) when it comes to appearing in front of a judge.
 
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I don't think I ever said that...if you read what I wrote it CLEARLY stated that if she does take the child he would get an immediate court order to have the son returned.
 
What you need to do now that is she is moving, is put a parenting/custody agreement under her nose. Have your lawyer write up an agreement providing for joint custody and 50/50 parenting time NOW!

It is important that you provide her reasonable offers on custody. And getting her to sign a custody agreement prior to leaving with the child would eliminate the need for an order to have the child returned. See if you can get her and her lawyer to meet you and your lawyer to negotiate a custody agreement ASAP. If you think you can do this yourself, try. But the agreement is better and significantly more enforcible if you each independant legal counsel.
 
It's kind of sad if the woman left the home with the child its okay but if it was reversed where the man left, the child should stay with mom.
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lol..Here we go with the gender nonsense.

If she leaves with your kid, you immediately file a court order to have the child returned. She has zero right to do so...just like you wouldn't. The only exception is if she feels that she and the child are in physical peril. Neither a mother or a father has a right to move the child out of their home without a court order.

And if she does try to leave and force you to file an emergency motion to get your child returned, it will be part of the continuing record and will set a tone of her behavior going forward...ie. it won't look good for your continued negotiations.

You need to understand that right now...prior to any court order you both have assumed shared parenting status and you need to exercise yours immediately. She doesn't have more rights because she's female...or vice versa.

Stop talking to her verbally and email her to let her know that you would like to work out a reasonable schedule for the child so that you can both have fair access. Be polite, be clear and continue this communication with her and keep backups of it. You need to show that you are making a sincere effort to co-parent with her. If anyone is going to be irrational, make sure it isn't you. With all the mudslinging back and forth, judges tend to side with the parent who simply seems the most reasonable over time. And longterm, setting a tone of behavior with her will pay-off for the emotional and mental well-being of your son.

Forget about her...forget about your anger and bitterness...forget about your adult relationship when dealing with parenting issues. Everytime you say (email) or do anything...think of what is best for your child....then do it. If you have that mindset from the very beginning, it will be a lot easier for you going forward.

You need to separate the two things out and find a safe place to vent and deal with the separation...parenting should be handled with only one frame of mind. The best interest of your child.
 
Okay, good to know. I will propose two arrangements in email. The first one would be the standard 2/2/3 and the other one will be based upon her work schedule.

At the end of the day, I want her to have maximum contact with him too as well as working around our schedules. Since is he 11 months old, I understand frequent contact is better for infant bonding correct?

So she works Monday-Tuesday 5-2am and Fri-Sat-Sun 9-6 and I am standard 8 t 4:30 M-F. I will propose that I take him 3 overnights from Saturday morning 8 am (she will be off the work) to and returning him Tuesday 8 am. Does that work? I realize tho she needs to find her own baby sitter on Tuesday. However, I can help her too in that regard. I would essentially have him 3 days and her 4 days correct without the Tuesday babysitting?

And great ideal about putting this in an email. This will at least provide a paper trail for the judge in how both parties are negotiating.
 
Update, I finally talked to my lawyer and he said I can drop off my affidavit tomorrow. He will take a look and said that we probably won't be in court for at least a few weeks as we need to serve her and she respond etc. I've also sent her my proposal.

I asked him well, what can I do to prevent her from leaving and he said well he is your child but then it would just get complicated and messy if the police are invovled?

I also left a message for the family law person I had spoke with when I submitted a parenting order back in October stopping her from moving to B.C. (She never went through with it so she didn't need to respond to it).

At this point, does anyone know what the process is to get an Interim Parenting Order in place. I assume it's faster than the 2 weeks he quoted me. My fear, as you guys have so helpfully reminded me is Status Quo. If two weeks pass by and he is at her place full time, then she could find more ways to extend the status quo. (e.g. I can't make it this court date) blah blah.

Hindsight being 20/20 the advice on this forum about me needing back to my house was way more helpful than my lawyer telling me to stay away. (That would've helped her case even more and it would've looked like I am giving up my rights especially if he's now telling me it's going to take at least a few weeks. If that was the case, she would've had primary care of him for a whole month by the time we get to court! Thank you guys!!)

What should I do next?
 
2 weeks is not status quo. 6 months would be a start.

If you can get an interm order within the next 3-4 months, you are well on your way.

Continue to make reasonable parenting time offers that are child centric. Keep your lawyer informed, but managed appropriately.

You cannot prevent her from leaving the house. Do not obstruct her, confront her or anything. If she has the kid in her hands and goes to leave, you must let her. Call your lawyer and advise them that you want them to prepare and file an emergency motion to have the child returned to the matrimonial home. It may take a week or two to get heard, but that isnt the end of the world.

Just breathe man and be prepared. Just don't be stupid (no drinking while the kid and her are in the house for example.)
 
Okay, thanks that helps, I'm breathing now.

As for preventing her to leave, I would never do anything physical as I know that she would just grab him like a rag doll if it came down to it which is just mindblowingly irresponsible. Hence my question of what legal ways can I do this proactively.

Okay, that's what I do will do then. File the emergency motion and if he is hestitant I will say Hammerdad said so, so do it! Kidding aside, you guys have been tremendous in your support.

HammerDad said:
2 weeks is no, status quo. 6 months would be a start.

If you can get an interm order within the next 3-4 months, you are well on your way.

Continue to make reasonable parenting time offers that are child centric. Keep your lawyer informed, but managed appropriately.

You cannot prevent her from leaving the house. Do not obstruct her, confront her or anything. If she has the kid in her hands and goes to leave, you must let her. Call your lawyer and advise them that you want them to prepare and file an emergency motion to have the child returned to the matrimonial home. It may take a week or two to get heard, but that isnt the end of the world.

Just breathe man and be prepared. Just don't be stupid (no drinking while the kid and her are in the house for example.)
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So I sent her the email. If there is any doubters to what I am dealing with...here is her response. It's almost like dealing with a child. (pay attention, saturday and sunday is her 9-7 work shift) so basically no overnights. How should my response be? Should I print this for a judge? Would he even care? I have consistent emails where as soon as I talk about this, she starts saying swearing...

Get fucked!!!!!!over my dead body:) i will.agree to sat and sun 9 to 7 until he is at least 18months

From: johnxxxx@xxx.com
Date: Wed, 25 Jan 2012 16:02:08 -0700
Subject: Proposed Parenting Plan when Brandon moves out.
Here is the proposed plan for shared parenting. Let me know if you agree or not.

I have 2 options.

1.We do the standard 2/2/3 with alternating weekends. This is what they usually do for infants his age for maximum contact to each parent.
2.This one is based upon working around both our work schedules so that we can maximize the time when I am working / you’re not working vice versa.
a.I would take Brandon starting from Saturday morning 8 am and to Tuesday 8 am. *I could also help with babysitting Brandon on your Tuesday night shift*
b.You would have Brandon from Tuesday 8 am to Saturday morning 8 am.

Please let me know your response.

Thanks,
John
 
So by me sending an email to her, she has now basically flipped out and said she just called the police and will be press assault charges when the cops came last last Sunday. even though I just confirmed with an officer on the line that there was no evidence of a crime taken place and it is closed investigation. However, I have a warrant for my arrest. Will update.
 
well at least you have the email to show her attitude. so is she pressing charges against you because the police would not?? How did you find out about the warrant???

I really feel sorry for your son having such a nutjob for a mother, at least you got out, he wont be able to for a few years, hopefully before she does him mental health damage.

good luck
 
Well, I just got off the phone with the police. They looked up my case as I said to them if I am being charged or have a warrant, I'd just like to arrange myself to come in. He looked up the case file and basically said that:

1. It was closed and it was not reported as a domestic abuse incident etc.
2. She is entitled to lay charges if the cops don't up to one year. However, it is rather odd that she would press charges now after a week has passed. "I suspect she is trying to manipulate the situation, did something recently happen?" BINGO. Yeah I sent her an email asking for shared parenting and she flipped out.
3. If she does charge you, she would be arguing her word versus the police as they were there. Either the police on the scene say we recant our story and that there was an actual assault or two, they would say no there was no crime committed or lack of evidence.
At this point, I think I should go back to my bro in law house eh? Is it still worth it to go home with a PVR?
 
Chris2008 said:
Well, I just got off the phone with the police. They looked up my case as I said to them if I am being charged or have a warrant, I'd just like to arrange myself to come in. He looked up the case file and basically said that:

1. It was closed and it was not reported as a domestic abuse incident etc.
2. She is entitled to lay charges if the cops don't up to one year. However, it is rather odd that she would press charges now after a week has passed. "I suspect she is trying to manipulate the situation, did something recently happen?" BINGO. Yeah I sent her an email asking for shared parenting and she flipped out.
3. If she does charge you, she would be arguing her word versus the police as they were there. Either the police on the scene say we recant our story and that there was an actual assault or two, they would say no there was no crime committed or lack of evidence.
At this point, I think I should go back to my bro in law house eh? Is it still worth it to go home with a PVR?
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well she is proving she is not above fibbing about things so if you go back make sure you protect yourself. She just basically screwed her credability if she presses charges after the police investigated and found no reason to lay charges. Look at it this way, you are taking a risk moving back but it may piss her off enough that she makes mistakes and really screws her chances for custody up. Only you can decide if you can live there, but she is still moving out Feb 1st?? Be there when she does so you can make sure she doesnt take stuff that belongs to you or your chances of getting it back are next to nil.
 
Chris2008 said:
At this point, I think I should go back to my bro in law house eh? Is it still worth it to go home with a PVR?
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Do you want to be a visitor in your kids life, or do you want regular and frequent contact?

If you have the PVR on AT ALL TIMES and you don't engage her, you are going to be ok.

I hope you recorded that little bit about her calling the cops, as it will likely kill her credibility should she need to be cross examined and you play it back (or have the transcription read into the record).

You reply to her email something like the following:

Dear Satan's Half Sister,

I understand this is a turbulent time, but I respectfully request you refrain from using such vulger language when responding to my honest and reasonable requests to work out a parenting agreement.

It is in the child's best interests that they have a relationship with both parents. It is also in their best interests that they have frequent and meaningful contact with both parents. My main focus is looking out for our child and ensuring their needs and rights are protected.

In this regards, as you were unwilling to accept my previous offer and I don't believe your offer would be in the child's best interests, I propose the following (then list a bunch of different schedules that are suitable to you. If they have to be progressive, meaning you deal with weekends for 2-3 months then move to 3 days a week etc, list them. But put firm deadlines for progression. That shows you are negotiating in good faith and trying to work something out).

But yeah, stay in the house. Have your PVR running 100% of the time. Don't engage her. Be involved with your kid. And let your lawyer know via email what transpired last night.
 
What I want our son to have is equal access to both parents. As much as I do not like her parenting style, it is his right to see his mom and have that loving relationship with her and it will be up to him to continue it as long as she is not endangering him *then I step in to protect him*. As for me, I want to give him a stable and happy positive life. I want him to have everything I have. She has two daughters from a previous relationship and even though she legal custody of them, they have been with their grandparents for the past 7 years due to her not making the full committment to take care of them.

I've seen first hand how it affects them. I do not wish that on my son

Yes, I have all of that on text as that is her preferred method of communication. I even had it in the end where she says yeah, I didn't call them but I will. As it for the texts, I have lots and lots. As you've mentioned before, my main case is that I'm going to show that I have been there for my son since day 1, i've taken care of him etc. I'm not looking to attack her as it looks bad. But at some point, I need to defend myself as I know she will try to attack me. I think you said it or someone else, use it as a shield. So do I just really pick out stuff in my texts with her that show instances only where she is manipulating access to my son and build a theme around that if she attacks my character?

Regardless of what plan put forth, she is not agreeing to shared parenting and hence no overnights period till he is at least 5 because it's just not breastfeeding now, it's because I need anger management classes for abusing her because it's all documented now when she called the police last last Sunday. As well "I can suck a big "gi**** c*** and swallow you f*cking re*tard". She is 30 btw. So I mean I can send her proposals, and it'll be quashed but I just need to document at this point or what?

HammerDad said:
Do you want to be a visitor in your kids life, or do you want regular and frequent contact?

If you have the PVR on AT ALL TIMES and you don't engage her, you are going to be ok.

I hope you recorded that little bit about her calling the cops, as it will likely kill her credibility should she need to be cross examined and you play it back (or have the transcription read into the record).

You reply to her email something like the following:

Dear Satan's Half Sister,

I understand this is a turbulent time, but I respectfully request you refrain from using such vulger language when responding to my honest and reasonable requests to work out a parenting agreement.

It is in the child's best interests that they have a relationship with both parents. It is also in their best interests that they have frequent and meaningful contact with both parents. My main focus is looking out for our child and ensuring their needs and rights are protected.

In this regards, as you were unwilling to accept my previous offer and I don't believe your offer would be in the child's best interests, I propose the following (then list a bunch of different schedules that are suitable to you. If they have to be progressive, meaning you deal with weekends for 2-3 months then move to 3 days a week etc, list them. But put firm deadlines for progression. That shows you are negotiating in good faith and trying to work something out).

But yeah, stay in the house. Have your PVR running 100% of the time. Don't engage her. Be involved with your kid. And let your lawyer know via email what transpired last night.
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Chris2008 said:
Regardless of what plan put forth, she is not agreeing to shared parenting and hence no overnights period till he is at least 5 because it's just not breastfeeding now, it's because I need anger management classes for abusing her because it's all documented now when she called the police last last Sunday. As well "I can suck a big "gi**** c*** and swallow you f*cking re*tard". She is 30 btw. So I mean I can send her proposals, and it'll be quashed but I just need to document at this point or what?
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LOL, no overnights until 5....who is she to dictate this? When did she become an expert in either parenting or psychology...lol

Don't acknowledge or say that you agree with the anger management. Should she bring it up the incident to a judge, simply reply that neither party was acting appropriately and both parties were allowing their emotions cloud their judgment. You have no prior history of these sorts of incidents and there hasn't been any since. You are remorseful for your part in the incident.

Her refusal to negotiate in good faith and the anger in her emails/texts will not help her when you put them in front of a judge when you make your requests.

Make one more offer to her, then get your lawyer involved. It makes no sense in bashing your head against the wall with her. Have your lawyer file a motion for interm custody and provide a parenting plan with it that suits your wishes. The sooner you can get in front of a judge, the better you will be with this one. You are up against a nutjob who really hates you. Not only did you break up with her, after she "kicked you out", you moved back in. You are also interferring with "her child"....she likely looks at your kid as her possession. You will need to see through and act in the best interests of the child, because your ex will only act in her best interests.

You may have to go with a progressive approach and take some baby steps for a bit. But DO NOT AGREE with ANY wording that looks like "overnights to happen upon mutual agreement" or "overnights to happen once the child appears ready for such parenting time". Why? Because for the first one, she will never agree with you. You will say the child is ready, she will say the child is not....and you are back to square 1. For the second instance, who determines the child is ready? You? Her? Once you are in that cycle, go back to my first point and see how she can delay, delay and delay.... You want wording like every Saturday and Sunday from 9am-7pm until the child is 15-18 months of age. Upon the child reaching X age, Dad shall be entitled to X until the child reaches the age of 2. Upon child reaching 2y/o, Dad shall be entitled to Y.
 
Just a note as the other posters are already giving you relevant advice...

Make sure you are not having verbal discussions with her without a tape recorder on. Personally, I'd try to stop all verbal communications by her. If you must speak to her on the phone...make sure you are using a screening method (ie. its on a taped answering machine) and let her know that the call is being recorded right away. But your very best friend now is email.

When you email her. Be polite...never go to her level...she will be trying very hard to make you angry and make you blow up. You have to see through that and manage your temper. Go vent over at a friend's house if you need to. Maintain email...maintain communication...even just to ask how your son is doing. But try not to engage her verbally if there's any way around it. Stay totally away from her and out of her way. Remember that its a lot harder to bring taped, verbal conversations into court but email is very very easy to submit. And be firm that you have a right to see your child...she doesn't own him...he's your son.

Mostly save all email, all tape, all video recordings. It protects you. Make sure that she always knows that she's being taped so that it doesn't look like you're trying to entrap her.

You don't need a "pitbull" lawyer. I disagree with the whole notion of proving her unfit. Let her put the nails in her own coffin. My experience with my ex trying to do that to me with false allegation after false allegation didn't go so well for him. I stayed reasonable and it is a much better approach in my opinion. If she's irrational and silly, believe me, it will come out without you having to ramp up the bull in affidavits etc. I'd be careful if its what your lawyer is suggesting. You want to show that you are the fair, reasonable parent out of the two of you going forward. You want to show that you're willing to work with her to provide a good homelife for your child. Let her anger sink her and it sounds like it will.

I agree, however, that he should aggressively pursue you getting access time with your child. She has zero right to control the child and keep him away from you.
 
In every email to her, and in each of her responses, be thinking of how it looks when judge reads it. Your 'picture' is painted with these emails.
Just an observation... you are giving away your belief that she has more right to him in some or your wording e.g.
1) when 'brandon moves out'. Excuse me, but YOUR EX is moving out, not your son.
2) you asked for 3 overnights. Why not 4?
3) One of your reasons for the schedule SHOULD be to maintain stability of remaining in same home (there is a slight hint that you believe that stability comes more from being in mom's presence).
 
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