How do you all respond to the petty stuff ?

[May_May]

...I just want to comment that divorce/seperation is a very sressfull thing. The stress doesn't disappear very quicky either.

Feelings are hurt, and often times people act and/or react totally out of their usual character.
...

Because, be honest... you've had a real 'brilliant' moment or two yourself since it all began. Haven't you?

Unless you want to feed the fire. In that case, you should call the cops - file a report. Exxagerate the facts to include threats of violence - and have him arrested. In the next breath - slap him with a restraining order against you and the kids. Make him fight for months in court before he can even have 30 minute supervised access to the kids, etc.

WO-Did you post in the right thread ? I agree completely that the stress will not go away, but I am surprised/shocked that it has gotten worse !
What's up with the DV and restraining order ? I've never done that and wouldn't. I've been the mom who has pushed 50/50 on dad and made him stick to it. I also adjust our schedule so if he's travelling for work, I alter the days of the month so we still have equal time with our children. I've never made him fight in court for our kids ...

 

[dorano]

I'm feeling pretty silly and petty these days, but I'm so sick of having to replace things that dad doesn't replace!!

My daughter is obsessed with dresses - wears them every day. On the days where she goes to her dads for an overnight or for the weekend she's always wearing a nice dress and tights. Sometimes the dress will makes its way back here but I almost ever get the tights back!

I know it sounds petty, but these are 10$ a pop! And when she's at her dads, she never ever wears dresses otherwise I would have no problem with him keeping some dresses and tights provided they eventually come back here in the regular flow of things anyway. Instead I have to harrass him and most of the time to no avail.

Anyhow... at least 100$ in tights in the last two months. May sound silly but it sure adds up! And now I'm at the point where I will force my daughter to have to wear something other than a dress she wants to wear just to avoid the hassles with her dad in having to get clothing back or replacements at the least.

 

[Mess]

You won't change dad. If you could, you wouldn't have had to divorce.

You are still in the process of raising your child, and you can teach her to pack her dress and tights and bring them home, otherwise send her to dad's in sweatpants. If she's that obsessed, she'll get the point. But present it in a logical cause/effect way. In the history of the human race, not one of us has ever changed our behaviour in a positive way due to being nagged. If she won't bring her tights back, just don't let her wear a dress and tights.

 

[Hopefuldays]

Lorac's observation of the impact ignoring someone who is highly-conflicted is correct but, there is another element that you have to be aware of... Many highly-conflicted people just never give up. Ignoring them can often make things worse.

This might be fodder for another thread but the highly conflicted person is, as you might guess, big in my life too.

So many many times i have "let it go" sent over BAGS of clothes, paid the unpaid bills, sucked up the lies int he community, ignored emails, ignored breeched agreements, paid the lawyer.. and still, we wait, sometimes it is even a (sad) joke -- something is going to happen -- then the bailiff appears and another (stupid) motion is in force.

Brownstone does promote bigness and adult responses and letting go of a lot but i think there is a serious issue with what i call "intelligent violence" or "intelligent abuse" which is this under the radar kind of abuse or frustration that erodes a sense of self and safety in the recipient: like a court order transition time of 6:00 and father arrives at 6:27, father owes $220 and hands me $160. or father has a restraining order of 100 meters away and brings his car nose to nose with mine in the parking lot...

I have to think on a bigger picture sometimes -- about what battles i want to fight: assault -- check; major money like over 5K -- check; splitting or hurting the child -- check. then i let the rest go.

but the sad part to which Tayken is so finely attuned, is the extinction response is huge (read: you take away the pellet and the rat just keeps on hitting and hitting that bar for more, and forever) and i just don't know what to do.

My pal out East took a second job, budgeted $1000/month for her lawyer and just let him take care of all the petty stuff -- told her ex to submit everything to the lawyer and she stayed out of it. Then she started to smile.

I am thinking of doing the same thing. But when i get strong and well again, i want to fill in Brownstone's blanks with a book on intelligent violence and look at what this all really means.

i have even considered applying to law school... and making a difference in some way via that avenue.

 

[Hopefuldays]

Just a quick tip Dorano:

Get some outfits you don't care about and put your daughter in them.. tights are a dollar at The Sally Anne. I went out and bought a big bag of lovely used clothes (or ask friends to donate to the cause and use them for access weekends) and just quietly and happily bring out the "special" "pretty" clothes for dads and if they don't come back -- think of it as a donation to his home and a notch in the rising bar of your happiness... small price for the dissolution of your frustration -- now i need to take my own advice!

 

[wretchedotis]

WO-Did you post in the right thread ? I agree completely that the stress will not go away, but I am surprised/shocked that it has gotten worse !
What's up with the DV and restraining order ? I've never done that and wouldn't. I've been the mom who has pushed 50/50 on dad and made him stick to it. I also adjust our schedule so if he's travelling for work, I alter the days of the month so we still have equal time with our children. I've never made him fight in court for our kids ...

I was being facetious.

Just trying to say we can all be ridiculous at times. Don't let it get the better of you.

Since my 'Final Order' the conflict has inreased for me as well. It's almost like she prefers the fight over the win.

All you can do is control your behaviour.