How do you all respond to the petty stuff ?

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May_May

May_May

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Since the 'explosion' last Sunday, my ex is sending countless notes about stupid stuff. (One example so you have an idea...we switch Sundays @ 4:00pm and do week on/week off. With the temperature today, our 6 year old didn't want to wear socks. He's freaking out because he didn't have socks on and and now he'll be short a pair.)
This small stuff doesn't bother me and I don't even notice...he's freaking out about everything...I almost reached my data usage max for the month, and I swear it is from his notes ! ha

How do you all deal with this stuff...Do you reply back to these or ignore them ?
 
May_May said:
Since the 'explosion' last Sunday, my ex is sending countless notes about stupid stuff. (One example so you have an idea...we switch Sundays @ 4:00pm and do week on/week off. With the temperature today, our 6 year old didn't want to wear socks. He's freaking out because he didn't have socks on and and now he'll be short a pair.)
This small stuff doesn't bother me and I don't even notice...he's freaking out about everything...I almost reached my data usage max for the month, and I swear it is from his notes ! ha

How do you all deal with this stuff...Do you reply back to these or ignore them ?
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You ignore something like this. It is 50-50 and the expectation is that both house holds have items for the kids. Counting down the socks is just someone seeking to create conflict where none should exist.

Do keep all this "stuff" because should the matter land up in court it is great material to demonstrate the conflict that the other party is seeking.

Just ignore it. Even better. Send over a bag of socks with the children the next exchange they go back to the other parent.

High-conflict people will find anything, even children's socks, to fight over. Most rational people wouldn't bother with something so minor and make an issue out of it. High-conflict people will... Everything is a battle for them. Everything is a "war" to be won.

When they "go to court" they see you as the all bad and them as the all good party in the litigation. Hell has no fury like a highly conflicted person scorn about socks, blankets, stuffed toys, toys and other incidental items. They will scream at you at an exchange, send you piles of messages about it, they often enroll their own family members (i.e. grandparents) to engage in the conflict and yell at you too at exchanges.

Often they think they are being "clever" trying to get "one up" on you. Basically what they are demonstrating (as justice Quinn puts it...) their "jackassedness" and inability to move on and parent the children.

Good Luck!
Tayken
 
best way, dont answer them. If he is complaining about something like the socks then send an extra pair when the child goes back to replace the ones. Yes he is being petty but try not to go down to his level.
 
Personally May I would ignore him. It's no fun goating...having a fit...yelling...yada yada when the one you are directing it to ignores you. It's like walking over a child when he's on the floor screaming, eventually his behaviour will have to change as he's not getting a response from you. The only difference being he's suppose to be an "adult".

My ex is still trying to get a rise out of me by ignoring our youngest son. I don't have time for this kind of performance he's so not worth my time...OH wait a minute, I'm over it!!!!
 
Lorac said:
Personally May I would ignore him. It's no fun goating...having a fit...yelling...yada yada when the one you are directing it to ignores you. It's like walking over a child when he's on the floor screaming, eventually his behaviour will have to change as he's not getting a response from you. The only difference being he's suppose to be an "adult".

My ex is still trying to get a rise out of me by ignoring our youngest son. I don't have time for this kind of performance he's so not worth my time...OH wait a minute, I'm over it!!!!
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This is where Justice Brownstone's (note for Mess) observation of "maturity" in his book comes into play. But, what doesn't fold well is *why* someone would act in an "immature" way and complain about socks. This is the gap in Justice Brownstone's book in my opinion and where mental health literature or someone like William Eddy could fill in the gap.

(My answer based on May_May's other posts... is that the other parent is highly-conflicted and has traits of an axis II disorder possibly)

Lorac's observation of the impact ignoring someone who is highly-conflicted is correct but, there is another element that you have to be aware of... Many highly-conflicted people just never give up. Ignoring them can often make things worse.

B.I.F.F. or E.A.R. the other parent back. (Google search "E.A.R. and B.I.F.F. and William Eddy")

Good Luck!
Tayken
 
Thanks everyone...Next week when our boys are here I will send a new bag of socks over ! It's crazy...

The only positive is that when I sit back and have quiet time (doesn't happen often), I chuckle and remember how lucky I am that I'm not in the same house with him anymore !
 
Tayken said:
This is where Justice Brownstone's (note for Mess) observation of "maturity" in his book comes into play. But, what doesn't fold well is *why* someone would act in an "immature" way and complain about socks. This is the gap in Justice Brownstone's book in my opinion and where mental health literature or someone like William Eddy could fill in the gap.

(My answer based on May_May's other posts... is that the other parent is highly-conflicted and has traits of an axis II disorder possibly)

Lorac's observation of the impact ignoring someone who is highly-conflicted is correct but, there is another element that you have to be aware of... Many highly-conflicted people just never give up. Ignoring them can often make things worse.

B.I.F.F. or E.A.R. the other parent back. (Google search "E.A.R. and B.I.F.F. and William Eddy")

Good Luck!
Tayken
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Tayken-BIFF_Love it ! GREAT ADVICE. At this point in our separation, I cannot / will not offer him Empathy. I agree completely that in the past, the only people he has ever related to are those that listen and feel sorry for/agree with him. I believe there have been several recommendations for William Eddy books...which one do you feel is a good starting point that would go well with "Tug of War" ?
 
DITTO!!! I would think that if you asked every ex on here or their ex spouses we would all have AXIS 11 Disorder.
 
Tayken said:
B.I.F.F. or E.A.R. the other parent back. (Google search "E.A.R. and B.I.F.F. and William Eddy")

Good Luck!
Tayken
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Just want to mention, Eddy's books list in the $70+ range on Amazon, they are available as Ebooks from Indigo/Chapters for under $10.
 
The books are also avail at most public libraries but probably best to buy them for easy future reference/re-read. My ex also made a huge production out of the most insignificant things. I now have a respectable small library of various self-help/personality disorder/Cdn Family Law books etc. Ahhhhh, such FUN :D
 
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Yup, what everybody else said: Ignore the buffoonery - if someone is 'disturbed' the kindest thing you can do is ignore them. If, on the other hand, someone is being an ass, the cruelest thing you can do is ignore them ... it's win/win.

(note to self: ignore Birdbrainmom, et.al.)

I do like the idea of sending a bag of socks, though. I'd try to get my hands on a big sack full and send 'em over :)

Cheers!

Gary
 
Last year my ex emailed me that she was having anxiety about the kids' socks and how she couldn't find a match for any of them. So I bought 30 pairs of identical socks and sent 15 pairs over to her place in one of the kids' knapsacks. Not a thank you, and after a couple of months they were coming over in mismatched socks again.
 
Our 2 sets of kids have a bag that goes back and forth (this bag has the clothes they arrived in, in it) they change that night and it goes in the bag. We spend a decent amount on our childrens clothes, because it gets handed down (we have three girls), the other parents spends WAY to much on clothes and My ex spend nothing on clothes... Seeing as we don't all have the same idea about clothes we avoid the issues by sending that parents clothes right back... Health cars are in the bag, as well as any tupperware etc that they might have in their lunches. WE can send communication back and forth and don't have to interact with the other parent. The mediator also suggested a note book so the parents can write to each other in the note book if needed. Also exchange is done at daycare, to avoid the bio parents from having to interact in front of the kids! As for the texting, it drives me nuts too, you will never please them... I'm not sur eI would buy a bag of socks to give, because that will just encourage the negetive behaviour that your ex is doing. Next time s/he wants pants you'll get some other story! It's stupid but for whatever reason they have nothing better to do then drive you nuts!
 
The past week has felt like a big Seinfeld moment when dealing with my ex.

When I first read the sock of coins comment, I couldn't help but think it would be the same as the roll of coins for the pocket...
 
May_May said:
Since the 'explosion' last Sunday, my ex is sending countless notes about stupid stuff. (One example so you have an idea...we switch Sundays @ 4:00pm and do week on/week off. With the temperature today, our 6 year old didn't want to wear socks. He's freaking out because he didn't have socks on and and now he'll be short a pair.)
This small stuff doesn't bother me and I don't even notice...he's freaking out about everything...I almost reached my data usage max for the month, and I swear it is from his notes ! ha

How do you all deal with this stuff...Do you reply back to these or ignore them ?
Click to expand...

You already knew the answer to this, didn't you?

I just want to comment that divorce/seperation is a very sressfull thing. The stress doesn't disappear very quicky either.

Feelings are hurt, and often times people act and/or react totally out of their usual character.

But you already knew that too, didn't you?

You overlook and forgive stupid things like this. Hopefully, your ex overlooks and forgives your stupidity to him.

Because, be honest... you've had a real 'brilliant' moment or two yourself since it all began. Haven't you?

Unless you want to feed the fire. In that case, you should call the cops - file a report. Exxagerate the facts to include threats of violence - and have him arrested. In the next breath - slap him with a restraining order against you and the kids. Make him fight for months in court before he can even have 30 minute supervised access to the kids, etc.
 
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wretchedotis said:
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Unless you want to feed the fire. In that case, you should call the cops - file a report. Exxagerate the facts to include threats of violence - and have him arrested. In the next breath - slap him with a restraining order against you and the kids. Make him fight for months in court before he can even have 30 minute supervised access to the kids, etc.
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Did I miss something? :confused:

Personally, I would totally send a huge bag of socks! :cool:
I've had this fight many a time too, over mitts, shirts, and he even forbade her to bring her DS on vacation.

I can recall a time when I texted him myself though, to complain that he had sent our 5 year old to school in fancy boots and no snowpants on a day it snowed over 6 inches. I just sent her back wearing her extra pair of snowboots and he kept sending her in them after. Sometimes it really is just a "mistake", and the way to handle it is just to correct it, then ignore any backlash.
 
My ex was the same with my step son (who has never seen his real father) because she nit pik'd and she decided the dad just wasn't good enough to see his kid and she ended that for her son...then when she left me after we had a few kids ..she also nit pik'd me too death but I just had too much cash for her too win and no matter how much she boo hooed in court about bedtimes and mealplans she liked my cash too much..lol... sad part it's 12 years later and she still nit picks (and I raised her kid from another dude..where's the thanks) ...thank gawd I made it thru and the kids are all in there 20's and doing okay...moral of the story once a nit picker (and bitter) always a nit picker and bitter..but u need cash to shut them up
 
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