how do i approach this? any suggestions?

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oh and also he will be moving in with his sister in her house and his family is very involved (more than him). They will do whatever to make sure he gets what he wants. So I am a bit scared of that as well. We get allong now..but they are people that you don't want to cross. I wish I could grow a backbone for my daughters sake and not be so scared of all of these things. Thank goodness for finding this forum.
 
if he comes over drinking and driving and wants to take the child then call the police. You have to start to document stuff and a police report is a good idea. It will show that he has a problem and the safety of the child is at risk in his care.
 
Well I'm happy to see that I'm capable of getting a rise out of some of you.

Look I really don't give a lick about you, him, her, that guy, whoever.

But I read through this and all I see is that you are having 'control' issues.
You don't want to let Dad be Dad. I guess you have some fears of his ability to be a human being and not drink, smoke, shout, whatever you say he does.

I have no idea if those fears are valid or not. Truthfully, I suspect your version would not match his version of how capable he is as a parent.

What I do have an idea about - is that being told "NO you cannot have/see the child because you are a useless piece of shit" is not going to make things go well between you and Dad.

Now please, all you critics have at me.
:)
 
Legally, without a court order you cannot deny him access to the child. Does he have any arrests for alcohol related issues? Drunk and Disorderly? Public Intoxication? DUI?

If the answer is NO, then unfortunately it's your word against his. It sucks, but you can't stop him from seeing her. HOWEVER if he shows up smelling of alcohol, you are within your rights to refuse to allow him to take her.

(There was another post around somewhere from someone whose ex was sending their alcoholic father to pick up the kids...however as that poster was told, as long as he shows up sober, you can't deny access without a court order).

Perhaps you should try to get his family on board your side? Are things amicable between you and them? Perhaps a phone call or a letter to them indicating that your only concern is his drinking, given what you have first hand knowledge of, that any legal issues are between him and you , and that you realize that and will endeavor to promote their relationship with the child, no matter what happens with her father.
 
Also should mention, there IS such a thing as a functional alcoholic....sounds like he is one. He's capable of staying off it long enough to attend work, hold a job, etc.

If he can do it for that, he SHOULD be able to do it when he has the child.
 
NBDad said:
Also should mention, there IS such a thing as a functional alcoholic....sounds like he is one. He's capable of staying off it long enough to attend work, hold a job, etc.

If he can do it for that, he SHOULD be able to do it when he has the child.
Click to expand...

Excellent points. A lot of controlling parents give themselves anxiety attacks worrying about what "might" happen and hope that a court will listen to their emotional reasoning. So much court time is wasted with this kind of nonsense it just slows the whole process down for everyone who actually need to use the family law system to resolve disputes.

Judges do not work on "assumptions" or "future problems" unless there is, as the Act says, evidence to past conduct. *Evidence* is the keyword there that 99.99999% of litigants don't understand. Just because you write a paragraph into an affidavit doesn't make it true. Just because you got your friends to write affidavits saying it is true doesn't make it true.

Police reports, doctors reports, psychological testing, etc... cogent evidence to this past conduct. Huddling with your friends and all writing mean things just demonstrates you are high conflict and have no real evidence.

Good Luck!
Tayken
 
What Tayken says is true. Hence why I asked about past charges that would help you to prove your claims.

It's NOT about what you know...it's about what you can prove. In the legal system (and family law is NO different from any other in this regard), he with the best documentation wins.

Ask for a parental capacity study with a psychological component. If there are past charges (ie. where he was actually found guilty) then document it and request the files via court motion.
 
NBDad said:
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Ask for a parental capacity study with a psychological component. If there are past charges (ie. where he was actually found guilty) then document it and request the files via court motion.
Click to expand...

I would emphasize this element for any custody and access evaluation / parental capacity study. It should be psychological assessment when you ask for it. An assessment leveraging known methods say like MMPI-2-TR, etc... If the assessor doesn't do this and makes observations then it basically throws their report out the window as they can't do an assessment of the parents as they represent the children. Its a huge catch 22 in these things that many unfortunate people don't understand.

The assessment should be done by a third party and not the evaluator.

Good Luck!
Tayken
 
Stressing the "psychological component" boils down to the assessment requiring your assessor to be a trained psychologist. An ex-CAS worker or someone with those skills would be insufficient to complete that kind of analysis.

It costs more, but the people trained to that level should be capable of being unbiased. They should be trained to recognize and deal with psychological/mental health issues
 
If the father is doing what you say he's doing, then his access should absolutely be supervised. I'm an access father who had an addiction and my access is still supervised. I have been clean and sober for over a year and am before the court now asking that supervision be removed. But it is only now that I'm clean and sober do I realize that it was the right thing for the court to do when they ordered supervised access. You cannot take the chance. If he has a drinking problem, then he should get help, get sober and do it for his child. It may take a while with denial and all the things that come with addicition, but if he truly wants to get sober for his child, then he'll do it. It's in no way your fault that he has a drinking problem. Do what you gotta do.
 
Access Dad- my eyes got watery when I read your post. Good for you that you got sober! I'm hoping so badly that my child's father can do the same and you are proof that it's possible. Especially the fact that you take accountability for your actions. I feel terrible for thinking of having his visits be supervised but the risk isn't worth taking. Last saturday he had a visit and he threw my childs car seat base on the lawn and lost control. I'm hoping that one day my ex will be able to speak like you and realize why I am doing this. That it is not to exclude him as a father and not to control him ...that is what he feels at the moment.
 
janedoe99-Thank you for your comment. I'm very proud to be clean and sober. Like your ex, I too was angry and in denial and didn't want anyone telling me that I was a danger to my child. I couldn't stand the thought of someone having to watch me be with my daughter. It's tough to accept that your child at risk when in your unsupervised care. I think this is particularly so for men. We have egos sometimes that cloud us from putting the interests of our loved ones ahead of our own. Especially when there's addiciton involved. One day I finally had enough. I was sick of living the lonely, angry and dark life of an addict. I wanted to give my daughter 100 percent of her father even if I could only see her 40 percent of the time. I went into a 12 week rehab which included anger management. Your ex must come to this conclusion in his life on his own. He must be willing to make all the life changes necessary in order to be a full part of his child's life. You're doing the right thing. Sometimes doing what's RIGHT is not always doing what's POPULAR, especially for mothers. Your child is way too young to be in his unsupervised care if he cannot control his drinking or his temper. Forget everyone else. You are a mother and single mothers are on my short list of heros in this world. Hopefully one day your ex will realize that your obligations to protect your child come before anything. Good luck and what you have to.
 
Thanks AccessDad..man I wish you were a friend of my ex's . Maybe he'd be on a different path if he had more people around him like you. You must have extreme dedication and love for your daughter to have overcome addiction. She is lucky to have a father that can overcome one of the most challenging things for her. I watched my ex struggle with trying to quit and he just couldn't do it. I actually felt so bad because I could see him trying so hard. He could sometimes go a few days but would have to down like 10 fake beers instead. Then he would lose it and binge drink. I don't know how he lives like this. He always seems so miserable.
 
AccessDad: thanks for your refreshing honesty and a no holds barred point of view on addiction, and the challenges single parent's face when dealing w/sensitive issues. Your child is fortunate to have a dad like you that can be so honest - it is a true testament to the depth of your character. Jane I continue to feel for you as you have such a young baby to protect.
 
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