how do i approach this? any suggestions?

Status
Not open for further replies.
J

janedoe99

New member
I have a 5 month old with a man that I dated. We moved in, tried to make it work. Since our child was born, he spent more time drinking, hanging out with friends..basically avoided our child. Had no interest in her or me. I left him due to his daily drinking and irresponisibility. Since I have left he is all of a sudden showing interest. It seems to be a control thing or pressures of his family (who have been involved and interested). I never denied him access to our child. I just asked that it be supervised since I have witnessed his uncontrolled alcohol problem and his short fuse with a crying baby. There have been occations where he has yelled in her face "shut the f up" when she was only weeks old...while man handling her (jolting her). There have been other problems as well. His mother is to be supervising. My problem is that he is very difficult to reason with. His family wants her on xmas and I allowed that. However it is out of town so I wanted to driver her and pick her up. (so I would know where she was...no drinking/ driving etc.). He flipped a lid. He is now saying he'll take her whenever he wants...I have no say because there is no court order. I really wanted to avoid court as his family and I get allong and want to preserve harmony. However, I don't know how I can police his drinking and ensure that he follows our verbal agreement and that my child is safe. Might I add he is extremely convincing..he knows how to act and holds a job. ANy help or suggestions? Anyone going through the same thing with a child so young?
 
A friend of mine who used to practice family law many years ago said he would often advise women in similiar situations to let the dad have at least 50% if you truly think you want to keep harmony. That way if dad (or mom) has access and they can not handle it then you have proof it can not work. If, on the other hand the other parent is now pulling their weight, you have someone helping 50%. Bonus!
Good luck.
 
Of course you are concerned for your childs welfare. Of course.

However, it is not your job to 'police' anyones drinking (or anything else), save for your childs'.

You sound alot like my ex when her and I first seperated. I didn't appreciate it from her, nor do I appreciate it from you.

What you SHOULD do, is minimize conflict between yourself and your ex.
This is not accomplished by 'demanding' or 'policing' anything.

For sure, voice your concerns to him in a very calm and rational way.
Ask him to please not drink when he has care of the child - and then trust that he will turn into the DAD that is within.

If I may offer a very insensitive insight into the womans' psyche.
You do not own the child.
He is the father, and you best make peace with that as there's literally 25 years ahead that you two have to get along and at least pretend to be 'friendly'.
 
how often does he drink and how much at a time??The yelling at a baby is something to be concerned about. No good dad yells at a baby to shut up.

Dont see what his problem was with you dropping and picking the baby back up. You are making sure that whoever is driving her has not been drinking. Safety of the child first and foremost.

Keep documenting the times that he has her and his drinking. If he cant control the drinking and anger when he has her then something has to change. Other then that keep doing what you are doing by asking the mother to supervise. If he has a drinking problem, she will know and make sure the baby is safe.

Kinda wonder why now of of a sudden he wants to be a dad now that you no longer live together. When he had the child their everyday he basically ignored her. Wonder if its $$$$$ motivated?
 
If I may offer a very insensitive insight into the womans' psyche.
You do not own the child
Click to expand...

As a woman who's divorcing a middle-eastern male who is still under the misguided assumption that he owned everything....me, the kids, the money, even my own family....I can assure you that that is yet another very stupid gender stereotype. You clearly know nothing about women's "psyche's." I find it interesting, however, how that many posters work so hard to work misogynistic rhetoric into their posts instead of simply answering the post. Its very illuminating.
 
WO; you just never stop offending. Stunning. PursuingHappiness - a great response. Let's get back to buddy being an alcoholic - that yells "shut the f up" at a crying baby. It is SICK and it would wrench any good parent's stomach. The road to hell is paved w/good intentions - as they say. As much as it would be fabulous to avoid court and preserve harmony - this "father" sounds like he absolutely should have supervised access only. True, mothers don't "own" their babies - but when one parent's abilities are compromised by alcohol, a bad temper and bad judgment - then the responsible parent should take all measures to ensure the safety and well-being of the child(ren) - End of Story
 
thank you for your advice.

I do not think I own my child. However...I have an obligation to ensure she is safe. If not...I can also be in trouble. If it were me drinking a 20 case of beer a night..then I would hope the father would step in and make sure that I was safe around my child. I do not blame him...I know he has a problem. He drinks everynight until either all the booze in the house is gone...or he passes out on the couch. He has admitted he hasn't gone over a week sober in 10 years. He drives drunk all the time and I can't simply let my 5 month old in his care alone knowing this.
I am not sure what his motivation is. It started after he spoke with the free lawyer at the courthouse. I feel like because he knows he is under a microscope by his family etc..that he is making sure to do everything right. He is always really concerned about what people think.
It is really hard because everyone is telling me to get a lawyer and take him to court. I've never been a person to make enermies and it makes me terrified to start a big mess like that.

to the person that says I remind them of their ex...I think you may have a bias because you've been in a similar situation. You don't have to come down hard on every woman that is looking out for their child. I am a very reasonable person and devote my life to my daughter..I would hope you would do the same if the mother of your child was doing the same thing.
 
Most ppl on here have decent suggestions on here. As for others -- whatever. Don't take some of what's said personally. You really need to speak to Family Svcs. You can get a free 2 hour consultation w/a family lawyer. I would be horrified if I was in your situation. And yeah - what a totally STUPID comment made in that earlier post re: ownership, and "women's psyches" - what a total pile of CRAP.
 
If your situation is exactly how you describe it, I can only say: GET OUT! I know it is all easy said...lawyer, court.... Don't be scared there are other ways and there is help for women in your situation. The key is...to get away. So many women think it will get better and he will change - they never do! It will get worse and one day it is too late. There is a fundemental problem with this man and you cannot fix anything until this problem has been corrected (counselling, therapy etc.) If he would ever agree to this is one thing, how long it will take and if it works is another. In the meantime life is passing you by and at the end you are no further ahead. Maybe you still care for person, nothing wrong with that. You can love him, but you cannot live with him. It's for your own good and more so for your child. Do yourself a favour and find a way to get out! God bless you!
 
thank you so much guys. If I do decide to go to court..in the meantime if he says "well I'm just going to take her"...is there anything I can do to refuse it if there is no supervision. Right now I take her to his moms 3 times a week for 3 hours and allow him additional time over here but he is threatning to just take her whenever he wants, wherever he wants. Am I able to just tell him that I will be driving her on christmas out of town to his family instead of him driving? Do I have that right? I really don't see what his deal is...I am letting her go for her first christmas with him and his family. All I ask is that I drive her and pick her up. Thanks so much for your replies...I feel so conflicted right now and it helps a lot.
 
The situation is how I describe it..however I know you are probably picturing some convict tatood guy..but no He is actually a really sweet guy when he's not drinking or hung over. It makes it hard because he'll appologize and promise and then I don't want to pursue any legal action.
 
Please go tomorrow and speak to duty counsel at your local courthouse re: your options. You need to get on this right away. You need formal legal advice and if your description of ex's behavior/character is accurate: he is a danger to himself. He is a danger to any child and a menace to anyone out driving. You may not want to rock the boat, but it's already rocking and it's not going to fix itself. If he gets into a car accident or does God knows what else while he has your daughter - an innocent in this - resulting in injury or worse - it will be TOO LATE
 
hadenough- Thank you. You are right I really should. I don't have much experience and haven't known anyone actually go through with family court. I did speak with 2 free lawyers both of them had different views. The first said basically go for sole custody, with supervised access until he passes drug test and alcohol program. The second lawyer said that he is the father and take her whenever he wants unless there is a court agreement which can take up to 2 years and cost thousands. She said there is a good chance it will be a he said she said thing and I could end up in a worse situation.
I am almost wishing I didn't leave him. At least I wouldn't have to leave him in her care alone. I thought I was doing the right thing by leaving but now it feels like she's in more danger.
 
Alcohol paralyzes the brain and that's when bad things happen. Would he jolt your child when he is sober? It only takes a second for you to be sorry for the rest of your life - you don't want that. He needs to go to AA to start with and you and your child need to be in a safe place in the meantime.
 
007-thank you so much

I just wanted to thank you guys for your help and giving me courage to do this. My mother instincts have been telling me to do this all along but I keep having this hesitation because I feel like maybe this isn't abnormal and worth a war. That is exactly what I've been thinking since he jolted her.. wondering...what if he's alone and she's crying and I'm not there. I've always been telling myself don't wait until it's too late. I think you are all right. Unfortunatly I don't apply for legal aid so I need to figure out where this money is going to come from. Thanks again.
 
I have no doubt that there are some charming, seemingly fabulous people out there who are also alcoholics. Please do yourself a favor and don't ever make excuses for bad behavior. He is a menace and tattoos and hangovers have nothing to do with it. Plenty of high powered executives, dressed to the nines are alcoholics as well. The 1st lawyer you referred to made sense. The 2nd one sounds like a card-carrying a*shole. Your pattern of thinking is both victim and enabler. Been there - done that. One day you will realize that this man is made up of a thousand of your excuses for him. He sounds like a bully - and like all addicts - they think only of themselves. "Me Me Me" - if you didn't have a child together and decided to put up w/his bs, that's one thing - but there's an infant involved now - and you absolutely made the right choice to leave. Now you need to make and take the right steps to ensure the safety of your daughter, and if he ever decides to seek help and become a responsible parent - (don't hold your breath dear) - then you and he can re-visit access options. Please if you can go.. Go speak to duty counsel, I'm sure you will present as a genuine and loving concerned mother. You cannot and will not change your ex. Alcohol, when abused is deadly. If he had a needle hanging out of his arm it would "seem" more urgent - personally - at 20 beers a day and routinely drives around drunk, I don't see the difference. Its an accident waiting to happen, as is HE.
 
hadenough- you are right. Thank you so much for your reply. I am trying to not be an enabler. It's so hard though. Do you or anyone else know why he is all of a sudden seeming interested. Is this something that happens often? His visits don't really coincide with his drinking rituals. Other than the saturday morning visit 10am..which he is always late for. I know he is still drinking at night..he admitted it the other day. Is there a chance he's ready to change because he realizes he misses her? I dunno maybe this is just the enabler in me talking.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top