Happy Friggin Birthday

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CCB

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I've counted to 10, 100, 1000...nope hasn't done a damn thing.

Ok, yesterday we had pictures taken of our 5 kids. His, hers and ours for the sake of clarity. Our youngest who is 3 was so happy to see his sister who is 17. He hardly sees her because she refuses to visit our home anymore and her mother will not enforce her visitation. He really wanted her to come back to our place so he could show her his room and his toys, etc. We told him that she couldn't come today but she could come over tomorrow when she drove her sister back to our place and to take part in the birthday celebration we were having for my step-son today. My husband confirmed this with her before she went on her way yesterday.

Hubby calls her today, she says she's not coming over, surprise, surprise. He told her he wasn't happy with her, but all she does is say "God Dad" and "gotta go".

So, this afternoon her sister walks in the door. My hubby says to her "who dropped you off?" She says D17 did. She dropped her sister off in our driveway and left!

We are furious to say the least. My hubby says that he can't call and ream her out because she'll just hang up. I get mad at him because I just don't understand how her can let this go.

We don't know what to do. D17's mother won't make her come visit her father. She didn't even come for Xmas.

How do you deal with something like this?
 
she is 17 and right now probably hanging with her friends (or boyfriend) is probably more important to her. There is no sense him making a big deal of it or he will just push her away. As for making her mother force her to see him, i think that would be next to impossible. The girl has her own mind and is making her own choices in life.
 
You don't encourage someone to come and visit and develop a relationship by reaming them out. That you would have wanted your husband to do this, that you would tell him what to do with HIS relationship with HIS child, and that you don't have a clue, is good start to explaining where the problem is coming from.
 
First of all, I don't tell my husband what to do, ever. We're married. What upsets him, upsets me. If it were my kid, I would ring her neck, so why do divorced kids get the kiddy glove treatment? We are a blended family, it's not just about HIS kid and HIS relationship with her. It affects us all, especially a 3 year old little boy who would love to see his big sister.

I am on this forum to seek information and advice for my husband's situations. It's not me communicating with his kids or his ex-wife. I've stepped away from my step-daughters because of their hostility toward me, letting my husband try to maintain a relationship with them. But if I'm upset about something that one of "our" other kids is doing, he's damn well going to tell me what he thinks we should do. It's called being parents.

Yes, she is nearly an adult, but obviously she still has a lot of growing u p to do. Is it not a parents job to teach their kids respect? Since she refuses to see my husband, and her mother and step-father refuse to discipline her in their home, then I guess he can't really do anything.

That's a warped version of parenting.

I guess if your child was too lazy to come and visit, you'd just sit back and say "oh well, she's almost an adult, nothing I can do about it"? That's all it is with her, lazyness. She doesn't have a boyfriend or friends for that matter and the only time she leaves the house is when she goes to school and her part-time job. Oh, and when her mother and step father reward her for being such a bitch by taking her out to the movies every Sunday night.
 
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CCB said:
Oh, and when her mother and step father reward her for being such a bitch by taking her out to the movies every Sunday night.
Click to expand...

You answered your own question as to why she doesn't want to visit your house ! If anyone referred to my child as a 'bitch' you would get your walking papers...
 
You have no idea what we've been through in the past 5 years. What I call my step-daughter to my husband behind closed doors remains there. And given what's happened, it's not out of turn, believe me.

My mother called me a bitch when I was a teenager. Looking back, she was right, I was being a bitch. Good thing she wasn't given her walking papers, I wouldn't have had a mother.

I came on here for advice about what my husband should do. Tough love with his daughter, speak to his ex-wife and husband, whatever, because we are at a loss at this point.

The old, his kid, his business stuff really irks me and it's not helpful advice. I am not the reason he cannot communicate with his ex-wife, I am not the cause of the problems between him and his daughters.

I am so sick of my husband being punished because he moved on with his life. And I'm even more sick of being hated for no damn good reason. Yes, I'm bitter about it. I never had a fighting chance, not with the ex-wife's work on the other end. I did nothing but care for my step-daughters and try to be their friend, nothing more. But you know what, it didn't make a bit of difference in the end because here we are.
 
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you seem to have alot of hostility towards the daughter and you expect her to show up?? She has probably sensed it and doesnt want to be around it.

if your mother called you a bitch then obviously you were not the perfect teen either.
 
Our family psychologist recommended that given what has happened, that I step away from my step-daughter because she is of an age where I am best to put any relationship between her and I off to the distant future.

I never displayed ANY hostility toward her whatsoever, despite the way I feel about how she treats her father (like crap). She was the one who told me to shut up in my own home and told me I was a bitch and everybody knew it. Still, I told her mother she was welcome in our home anytime. Still I shopped for her Xmas presents and signed my name to them. Didn't matter.

I am not the sole reason she doesn't visit here, she has plently of other opportunities. My husband's parents come to stay in our home when we go on vacation. She doesn't visit even if I'm not here. My husband drops her presents off to her for occassions that she doesn't come over, and half the time it's a battle for her even to come into the driveway to see him for a minute. She's just lazy and selfish and there are no consequences for her behavior, so why would she act any different?

I'll be the first to admit I was a very difficult teen. My mother was justified in calling me a bitch. It sure did hurt my feelings to hear her say that, and it made me wake up a little bit. My parents didn't just sit back and say "oh well" when I was rude and disrepectful. There were consequences for my behavior. She has none.

Unless you are a step-mother, it's really hard to understand the whole dynamic of these situations.
 
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I am sure I will get some negative feedback on this but here it goes...

When I first started dating my bf, I was honest with him off the get go... yes they are his kids, but if him and I were going to be together, I made it clear to him that I would treat his kids, just like I treat every other kids in my life... do I have kids of my own, no, but I have a WAY younger brother, niece and many friends who have young children. When we are all together, it doesn't matter whose kid is doing what, if one of the kids are acting out, who ever happens to see them doing it, is the one to discipline. From day one, I have disciplined my bf's kids if it was needed. They have seen the time out chair many times... they are very young, turning 4 & 7, however, for the past 2 years, when they are with us, in our house, they are expected to follow our rules... they know full well that if they do something wrong, any adult that is around, is allowed to send them to time out, or tell them to play nice...

I agree with you CCB, even if they are HIS kids, they are a part of YOUR life... however, at her age, there isn't much you can do. I would suggest however, that if she doesn't have the respect to come and visit her Dad, he should not be going out of his way to deliver presents to her...

Its not easy having a child that doesn't fully respect you... today for example, S6 was being rude to the other kids around and being bossy, I reminded him that if he couldn't play nice he was not going to play, well he cocked an attitude and started screaming at me saying he was and what not, well guess where his butt landed? Right on the time out chair, where he spent the next 30 min... not only did he have to deal with me sending him to time out and taking his toys away for the remainder of the day, he also had to answer to Dad, who was less than happy that he disrespected me... To me, CCB, Dad should have stepped up a long time ago and made it clear to his kids that, that sort of behaviour would not be tolerated.

This goes both ways however, we had the kids for March Break and S6 told me how he was mad at his Mom because she took his favorite car away... when I asked him why she took it away, he said because he yelled at her... I then asked him what would happen if he was at Daddy & My house and he yelled at one of us... he admitted that he would get a toy taken away as well... I then told him that Mommy did the right thing, because he was expected to listen to Mom (and her new bf), even if he didn't agree with what they said...

I just feel that children are not brought up the way they use to be, they are allowed to disrespect whom ever they want because parents are afraid to discipline.
 
How about offering to pay her to babysit the three-year old? She might like some extra money, and this way she doesn't have to interact with her dad or you very much, which is probably what she tries to avoid. Then the little guy gets to see his sister and they may form a better bond, and that might lead to her coming over more often. And there might even be some interaction at arrival and departure.
 
Thank you Rioe, that is an excellent suggestion. Maybe that would be a great way to get at least our little guy and his sister some time together. I also suggested to my husband that he spend time with D17 outside of our house, i.e. movie or ice cream dates, but she doesn't seem interested in doing anything with her Dad. He's very hurt by this, especially since his daughter goes to the movies with her step-father every weekend.

Berner, thank you so much for the post! I have nothing negative to say about your story, we are all different and trying to figure this stuff out the best we can!

I discipline my step son just as I do my other two boys. Some days I want to throttle them all, LOL. If one of our boys is acting like a little terror, we deal with it! My step-daughters were older when my husband and I met, so I didn't feel comfortable disciplining them which was fine with him.

This is an adult forum and just because we might say amongst us that one of our kids is acting like a brat, or a step-daughter is acting like a bitch doesn't mean that we would ever say that to them or let them think that.

I don't know any parent who doesn't feel like that about their kid at one time or another. We are sometimes just venting to other adults who can sympathize with similar situations and give objective advice, all of which helps prevent us from taking our frustrations out on the kids.

I'm with you Berner, I'm really shocked at the lack of respect kids show others these days and at the fact that society seems to be so accepting of it. It's sad really.

Advice without judgment is what I try to practice on this forum, it's so much more helpful to people.
 
I remember being 17 in an intact family, and I wanted very little to do with my folks, far preferring to be out with my friends than do "family stuff." But there are ways around these things. You might try to find activities she can't resist doing, and get her involved (yeah, it's utter bribery, but you need some big guns to get her used to you). "The family is going to try horseback riding this weekend, want to come?" Maybe you can tell her that she's welcome to invite her boyfriend, or her best friend along. That way she has someone she feels more comfortable with to talk to and doesn't feel so outnumbered or awkward. Then once the friend sees that you guys are nice, this will get reinforced to her a bit.
 
Hey there!!

First of all - ((hugs))

I am a step mom and I grew up a step daughter.....

From my own experience, as a teen, I hated my stepmom & resented my dad... in my immature mind she represented everything that was "wrong" with my current (teen) life - which to a teen girl is just about everything!! It was completely off base, but that's what it was..... there was nothing anyone could do or say, and the harder my mom pushed me to have a positive relationship with my father, or the more my dad & step mom told me I was welcome, the harder I pushed back. But when they finally left me alone, I finally came around... it took time, patience, and it took a lot of growing up on my part...

Sadly dear, the best advice I can give you is to pull back and focus your time and energy on the family (including younger step daughter) and making it as much fun and loving as you can!! In the meantime, your hubby also needs to stop trying to force a relationship - stop dropping off gifts, just store them in the closet, or just don't buy them if you know for certain she won't be there (or return them after she doesn't show up).... I don't buy gifts for the family I still don't talk to today... All you can really do is show her that she is not controlling your life/emotions... as hard as stepping back will be, you both need to find a way to let go of the anger & hurt.

Most of all - Best wishes!!!
 
Thank you so much cbarker! It's so nice to be able to hear about things from the point of view of the step-daughter and that you can also understand the dynamics of being a step-mom.

I wasn't sure about what to do about the gifts and all that, thank you so much for giving us some advice about that, it's a tough one. Easter is coming up, so this gives us a new perspective!

At Xmas time, my husband's parents stayed with us. D17 didn't even come to visit them, she said she would the night before they were leaving, but instead chose to go to the movies with her step-father. Way to reward her behavior. Hubby's parents went our of their way when they were leaving to drive over to D17 and deliver her Xmas presents. We were not impressed.

You are right cbarker, we do need to find a way to let go of the anger and hurt because it really does eat away at us and causes problems in our own relationship.
 
I know at 17 my grandparents were the last people I cared to hang out with. It's not nice to say, and thankfully we do grow up at some point.

It sounds like its best just to step back and let this young woman grow up, by her mom forcing her to visit you and dad, well let's face it at 17 it's not going to work.
If they try and force her, then she's going to resent them too.

You seem hung up on the step dad and mom "rewarding" her behavior, as many posts have said this.
Sounds like they're trying to have a relationship with her, it doesn't sound like a reward at all. Of course though we do not know the full story, just what you're saying. So that's all we can go by.

I'm quite sure in time she will come around, it's just the more you and your husband push her, the farther you'll push her away.
It's a no win situation, for now.
 
You're right, it's a no win situation. And you're right, we do feel that she is rewarded for her behavior, but only because this has been happening since D17 turned 14 years old. At that age, yes, they can decide where to live, but should they be given a choice about whether or not they have to "visit" a parent? She took full advantage of the situation her mother provided for her, giving her a "choice" at a young age about whether or not she had to visit her father.

We are just starting this road with D14. So far, so good, but she's starting to push the limits a little lately. I don't want to see this happen again to him.

I know I would be heartbroken if I couldn't even convince my own kid to see me, and if they might step foot in my home twice a year.
 
It is heart breaking to have children that absolutely refuse to see you.
I've gone through it, still going through it.
I only hope someday my own daughter will come around.

Towards the end of my marriage my ex husband told the oldest girls I was to be addressed as the "bitch" as I deserved it.
The older girls are in their 20's now.
The oldest girl and myself have worked on and developed a wonderful relationship, the 2nd oldest daughter refuses contact of any kind except for the occasional text message.

Does it hurt? Oh god yes, but even though she's my child I can't force her to have a relationship with me.
 
Fedup, that's awful. That's a terrible thing your ex-husband did!

My husband always says that it's not the kids fault, it's their mother (or father in some cases) that set them down this road. But that makes me wonder...at what age do you have to say ok, they are "adults" now, they make their own decisions and they are now choosing to behave this way which they have to know is wring, so is it still the other parent's fault?
 
CCB, what's funny is almost 20 years later I can now sit and talk with my dad and step mom, and hear their side of the story. I've heard from their own mouth's pretty much exactly what you're saying here.... and yes, even they said I was being a little bitch!! ((and in hindsight, they are absolutely right!!)) We talked to great lengths the hurt I caused my dad, and how it affected his relationship with my step mom....

Eventually time heals most things..... Keep demonstrating happy & healthy relationships, while maintaining that you both are ready when she is - the ball is in her court. Don't let on to her, or anyone else (in person) how much she is hurting you. Doing so, you're just giving her power. If her behaviour comes up in discussion with your other kids (steps or not) keep it light and positive, something like "well sure we miss her, but we always love her, and she knows where we are..." then try to change topics...

I think the hardest thing for a kid to hear (even a teen) is "I'm disappointed...." As a teen it was easy to tune out the ranting or raving, but those two words spoken softly had always carried a much bigger wallop!!

Looking back, my own prima donna behaviour caused me to miss out on some awesome family vacations - things they will still talk about today, but I can't share in because I wasn't there.... oh well... such are the consequences!!
 
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