Hi there...I hope I posted this on the right forum. Here's the deal. After a really nasty divorce, and, a 3 year relationship with a very abusive alcoholic, I finally turned to my mother, whom I have not had contact with for years. Her and her husband bought a house for me, and I am paying rent, to cover their mortgage, with the option to buy after my bankruptsy is finalized. That was a year ago. We have gotten on pretty well, no major bumps in the road. I met a guy very different from any other guy I have ever been with (translation...not disfunctional or abusive) 6 months ago. I so appreciate the very cheap rent my mom gave me for the past year. I told her that I was planning on moving my boyfriend in and would like the rent to be raised. She told me that I couldn't! If I did, she would sell the house. It is against her religous beliefs. I feel so controlled once again. I mean, even if this guy was a fling (which he isnt), I feel that I am 37 years old and old enough, and responsible enough to make the decisions that I feel is right for me and my kids. Any ideas? I am at a total loss
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feeling controlled once again
- Thread starter melanie
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logicalvelocity
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Sounds like your mother is set in her ways and living in a common law relationship is against her morals and values.
It is a bit controlling, but not much you can do. She owns the house your living in. Maybe you can purchase the house from her, private mortgage rather than paying rent?
It is a bit controlling, but not much you can do. She owns the house your living in. Maybe you can purchase the house from her, private mortgage rather than paying rent?
I wouldn't look at it as a control issue. Think of it as "her house", "her rules", and respect her morals and values. She probably doesn't want to see you hurt again. My parents have helped me out financially to pay legal fees. I am so grateful for them.
Why not wait until you are on your own feet financially before you start a new live in relationship.
Why not wait until you are on your own feet financially before you start a new live in relationship.
These are just our opinions but I agree with Grace and Logical velocity here.
The new person should be able to provide something too or else you may be following a similar path to the old spouse. You have a great mother.
It is not your Mom that is in front of you that holds you back......it is what is in you that keeps things from going forward to where you need to be!
The new person should be able to provide something too or else you may be following a similar path to the old spouse. You have a great mother.
It is not your Mom that is in front of you that holds you back......it is what is in you that keeps things from going forward to where you need to be!
I do get that the house is hers. I guess her and I have a problem separating the landlord/tenant relationship with the mother/daughter relationship. I had voiced consern about this when I first moved here. Mom assured me that there would be no conflict over this.
My boyfriend would be paying rent, which would be in my favour as far as buying the house. He has offered to sign any paper that my mom or myself wanted him to. He has already increased the value of the house by making a recroom and bedroom and second bathroom in the basement.
But, I realize that the final say is up to her. I am extremely grateful for the help that she has given me. I just don't think that because she has helped me this way, she should be able to dictate moral values this way. Oh well, I am still hoping that when she gets back from florida, we will be able to work things out. Stay tuned....
My boyfriend would be paying rent, which would be in my favour as far as buying the house. He has offered to sign any paper that my mom or myself wanted him to. He has already increased the value of the house by making a recroom and bedroom and second bathroom in the basement.
But, I realize that the final say is up to her. I am extremely grateful for the help that she has given me. I just don't think that because she has helped me this way, she should be able to dictate moral values this way. Oh well, I am still hoping that when she gets back from florida, we will be able to work things out. Stay tuned....
Gonna throw my 2 cents in here, and hope you're still checking this thread out. I was in the same position as you are now in, only it was my Dad that bought the house, he didn't oppose my moving my boyfriend in, and we didn't increase the rent (not sure why you're wanting to do that? Just to speed up ownership?). In any case, my significant other benefitted for several years by paying approximately half of what he did for rent before moving in with me, and when we found out we were expecting twins and needed a larger house, my Dad transferred title of the smaller home into my fiance's ownership, to enable us to purchase a larger home. The deal was that although it was essentially MY house that was being rented to own, the small house would be used as collateral for a down-payment on a larger home, since we suddenly were doubling the size of our family, and I had student loans to repay on my credit and couldn't qualify for a mortgage. Now, two years later, I've been separated from the jerk for a year, and he won't transfer title of the larger home to me.
Moral of the story... be very, very careful, and respect the fact that your Mom has been trying to do something to benefit YOU, not the guy that you're in love with. Respect that she's older and wiser, and if the guy is really all that you think, you can live in separate households, and still have a relationship, and maybe down the line your Mom will be trusting of him and the relationship, too. If that's not good enough for you, I would respectfully submit that you relinquish any hold you have on the house you're in, be grateful that you've had cheap rent, and move on. Parents are generally a lot smarter than we give them credit for, and without the trees in the way, they can see the forest a lot clearer, KWIM? I'm wishing now that I had never involved my jerk, or that my Dad had interferred to the point that your Mom is.
Good luck, and try not to blame your Mom; she's only signed up to do her best for YOU, not you and whoever you're serious about.
Moral of the story... be very, very careful, and respect the fact that your Mom has been trying to do something to benefit YOU, not the guy that you're in love with. Respect that she's older and wiser, and if the guy is really all that you think, you can live in separate households, and still have a relationship, and maybe down the line your Mom will be trusting of him and the relationship, too. If that's not good enough for you, I would respectfully submit that you relinquish any hold you have on the house you're in, be grateful that you've had cheap rent, and move on. Parents are generally a lot smarter than we give them credit for, and without the trees in the way, they can see the forest a lot clearer, KWIM? I'm wishing now that I had never involved my jerk, or that my Dad had interferred to the point that your Mom is.
Good luck, and try not to blame your Mom; she's only signed up to do her best for YOU, not you and whoever you're serious about.
Thank you sasha for your story. You are so right...it is important to remember that nobody looks out for you better than your own self. I had done some research in the area of living common-law. I found that making a contract regarding anything, from behavior to kids to property was binding, if it was done with the help of a lawyer. I dont know, though. Lots of times i think that I am looking at canadian sites, and find out that they are from the states. We had talked about making up a contract--it was actually something that he brought up even before this started with my mom. We both agree that one will have to be made. Both of us came from relationships that ended with us on the losing end
mother2boys
New member
There has been some wonderful advice and tips offered from the members on this site. However, it seems as though your mind is already made up.
Have you really thought this through...do you really know everything there is to know about this man? I am from a similar background; I was married to an abusive alcoholic for 5 five years, and because of his drinking and all that was associated I had to sell my house to pay the debt I didn't even know existed. Funny how when you own your own business, you can secure all kinds of loans using the house as collateral, and they don't even have to inform the other joint owner (being me). Anyways, I am in the same situation now as you; my parents offered to buy a house for my boys and I to live in. I would pay the "rent" so to speak, until I finished my Master's at University, and then they would transfer ownership into my name when I was done school. After 2 1/2 years of being single, I had recently met someone who lived in the States and things became serious rather quickly; to the point that I was considering moving my family down there to start a new life. Now this isn't the exact situation that you are in...but hear me out. After I thought I had found the man of my dreams (I will save the details), I decided to tell my parents what my considerations were. They never tried to tell me how to live my life, they only offered support, but questioned what I really knew about this other person, whom I was considering uprooting my boys for, after they had finally found stability and grounding. As it turned out, a few months into the relationship I started to see his true nature...and the ad from this site, that one which delineates the behavior associated with an abusive partner kept popping into my mind (similar to what I was married too). After all was said and done, I ended the relationship, but I came to realize that had my parents not have stated their concerns, I may have ended up in the same situation as previous. And again I would have no house, and financial stability that my parents are trying to give back to me which my ex-husband had originally taken away from me.
I am not saying that your current partner is at all similar to this, but this time around you need to be completely sure before you move forward. Is it really going to hurt your relationship to wait awhile longer? Get to know one another. Let your mother see how committed he is to making you and your family happy. And maybe that will be enough to convince her that his intentions are nothing but honest and straighforward.
You never did mention, why there is such a rush to move in so quickly together. Who is initiating these plans? If he has a stable enviornment in which he lives in, and has every thought of forming a lasting relationship with you and your family then he will have no problem waiting. If he is rushing you along...think about that...you may just be headed down the same path as what you were married to as well. If you are trying to head into this so quickly; ask yourself why? Why are you unwilling to give it some time?
Good luck! Hope you are still checking this thread!
Have you really thought this through...do you really know everything there is to know about this man? I am from a similar background; I was married to an abusive alcoholic for 5 five years, and because of his drinking and all that was associated I had to sell my house to pay the debt I didn't even know existed. Funny how when you own your own business, you can secure all kinds of loans using the house as collateral, and they don't even have to inform the other joint owner (being me). Anyways, I am in the same situation now as you; my parents offered to buy a house for my boys and I to live in. I would pay the "rent" so to speak, until I finished my Master's at University, and then they would transfer ownership into my name when I was done school. After 2 1/2 years of being single, I had recently met someone who lived in the States and things became serious rather quickly; to the point that I was considering moving my family down there to start a new life. Now this isn't the exact situation that you are in...but hear me out. After I thought I had found the man of my dreams (I will save the details), I decided to tell my parents what my considerations were. They never tried to tell me how to live my life, they only offered support, but questioned what I really knew about this other person, whom I was considering uprooting my boys for, after they had finally found stability and grounding. As it turned out, a few months into the relationship I started to see his true nature...and the ad from this site, that one which delineates the behavior associated with an abusive partner kept popping into my mind (similar to what I was married too). After all was said and done, I ended the relationship, but I came to realize that had my parents not have stated their concerns, I may have ended up in the same situation as previous. And again I would have no house, and financial stability that my parents are trying to give back to me which my ex-husband had originally taken away from me.
I am not saying that your current partner is at all similar to this, but this time around you need to be completely sure before you move forward. Is it really going to hurt your relationship to wait awhile longer? Get to know one another. Let your mother see how committed he is to making you and your family happy. And maybe that will be enough to convince her that his intentions are nothing but honest and straighforward.
You never did mention, why there is such a rush to move in so quickly together. Who is initiating these plans? If he has a stable enviornment in which he lives in, and has every thought of forming a lasting relationship with you and your family then he will have no problem waiting. If he is rushing you along...think about that...you may just be headed down the same path as what you were married to as well. If you are trying to head into this so quickly; ask yourself why? Why are you unwilling to give it some time?
Good luck! Hope you are still checking this thread!
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