Father giving child to much information

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kamkatie

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Hi all,

Hoping to get some advice on how to approach my ex about this situation. My daughter piped up on the way to school this morning that her step-mom had a black eye and bio-dad had a scratch. She was told by bio-dad that step-mom had gotten in a bar fight and he'd had to break it up. Step-mom also apparantly has a broken ankle from falling down the stairs. My concern is twofold. Either bio-dad was telling the truth in which case he's still informing our daughter about an adult situation I don't believe she needs information about or the step-mom got hurt some other way. My ex got physical with me a few times and I'm worried that the behaviour is either continuing or escalating with this new relationship although I have not seen the injuries and my children have not returned home with any.

Advice?
 
Try to document any conversations with the chilren about this. Also include your past experiences. If you have any of this documented ie police reports refer back to that. Potentially quite the situation. Caution is key to start I think. Keeping a mindful eye open. See what or if anything more developes. Your concerns regarding the kids is valid. He may not touch them but.... past behaviors are not easy to change. If something further happens you can express your concerns to police, CAS, school etc.
 
Thanks for the reply. Unfortunately I don't have any of his past behaviour with me documented with the police and its too late to start now. All of our communication is via email as he is verbally abusive as well and could not remain civil during pick up and drop offs so I removed myself from the situation. Rest assured I will continue to monitor the situation! I have already had to stop his access once because he was incapable of changing our child's diapers and my son came home from every weekend with dad with a diaper rash (and by this I mean raw, he had no skin left on his bum - poor little guy). I don't know how it can get that bad over the course of two days but he managed it. Grr. Unfortunately I can't be terribly proactive only reactive in regards to this. Just wanted to vent a little and see if others felt the same way I do about giving kids this kind of information and how I go about objecting to it.
 
You ex sounds something like mine. Just try to do the best you can. My child is 10 and I know what you mean by too much info. Under the circumstances venting is helpful. Some times the answers we need come from it and as well I found helps me deal with the nonsense. Babies have such sensitive skin so if left unattended well easy to get to that point. many years ago a friend of mine had to take the baby with them for a 3.5 hr drive, baby was sleeping so wwell so was left to. by the time they got home the baby had sucha bad rash. They found out that he was alergic to that brand. But you are absolutely right though that child should be changed frequently.
 
Fortunately my son is out of diapers now, although dad doesn't seem to ensure that he uses the potty all the time so he often returns home in pull-ups (my son turns 4 in April and rarely has accidents during the day, nights are stilly iffy). Another quick question, my ex seems to now have racist tendencies. Something he did not exhibit while we were together. He threw a fit when we got the kids a world vision child sponsorship as a Christmas present. Comments about how his child support is going to feed &*$#* "African" babies (you get the picture). I don't condone this behaviour at all. Unfortunately all of this was said in front of my children. When I sat them down to explain how it's not ok to hate people based on their appearance my daughter said "oh, mommy and daddy don't like black people". Ironically, the step-mom is from a visible minority. You'd think she would be more understanding. I'm afraid if I make an issue of this that the behaviour will get worse. Suggestions?
 
Children do learn by example... that is a given. I think what you have done (gift) is a good thing. In stilling a sense of charity and that even if our actions are small they can make a difference to someone in need. Continue to teach these values and a social conscience to your children. It may not appear so right away but as they grow into adults these qualities will remain and they will be better adults for it. As they become more aware of the world outside their home they are going to see the issues out there. and they will know they can do something about what concerns them. I think too that will help to teach them that the world does not owe them like so many people seem to think these days. All good things and I am not going to go on and on. But you already know this by your choice in the gift.

As for Dad's attitude you will not change him and I dont think you need to focus on his problems. Yes it influences the kids but you are more in power to influence thier thinking for the better. Talk to them about the fact that there are many opinions in the world and we cannot change them all. They have valid thoughts and feelings too. and that if they feel it is right in their heart then it is okay to help someone else in the world. People for the most part are basically the same and we all have the same basic needs despite our culture. Food, shelter & security. Once those are met then we get into more material things. I dont care what race you are we all need those 3 first. Explain that despite the colour of our skin etc most of the time it is circumstance that has landed us where we are not the outward appearance.
I think you can see where all this is leading and I am sure you can adjust these thoughts to a level your children can understand.

Sorry too for a bit of a rant here but the way people in Canada treat each other is a bit of a tender spot for me. Just in that I have watched and lived through a system gone painfully wrong.
 
Don't apologize for your rant. Everyone should have the opportunity to be treated equally regardless of race, religion, gender etc. etc. Sadly that is not always (or often) the case. Thank you for your advice. So far, dad's negative attitude towards race and gender roles doesn't seem to be affecting the kids terribly. We just continue to try and set an example and hope it sinks in. At what point does this kind of behaviour constitute emotional abuse? Its not just the racist remarks. Dad also makes numerous comments about extremely traditional gender roles that I find terribly offensive and are not in keeping with the way the children are being raised. The latest one was about karate, my daughter is taking lessons, dad had her in tears because "only boys do karate" and she desparately wanted to go. Nevermind that before I signed her up I asked him if he thought it was ok and he agreed.
 
Sounds like Dad has to get with the times. But in all fairness etc to you there are many more schools, other people and organizations that hold fast to the idea that women are capable too. Your Kids will see this for their own too and will shape their desires in life by what they are exposed to. Just keep on the track you are on. Would like to talk more but out of time right now.
 
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