False alligations, stressed, help!!!!

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TRG2010

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Don't know where to start..... Basics....

Married 2 1/2 years, together - 4, 2 children, one is his 1 year now, my other child is 13. Separated since September 09. Left him because of emotional, financial and verbal abuse. Alcohol abuse, neglect of children and me.
Went to a shelter (2x) once in Dec 2009, again in September 2010 when I left him after calling the police for domestic violence. CAS involved, said access was to be supervised (his access, his baby is 6 months at the time) because they had concerns with his drinking and mental health. (The police were called on him in dec 09 because he threatened to cut himself).

His sister was the main supervisor until 2 weeks ago. It was his weekend. Baby was sick the day before, she stayed home, told him would let him knowif Sun would be ok later. Left message on phone and sent email sun morning letting him know she was ok and I would see him at 9:30am. He did not show up (stated in court we each do the picking up), his sister at 11:30am calls and harrasses me, asking where she was, I said he was to pick her up. she continued on - is it legal , was it said in court, is it on paper, was it through the lawyers. all to which I said yes, she went on, then hung up on me. So I told my lawyer I no longer approve of her as a supervisor. Why would I want someone who disrespects me as a suitable supervisor for my baby??

So now, his lawyer states I am doing things to frustrate his access, that he (my ex) says my actions are erratic, irrational and unjustifieed and her has concerns about my psychological wellbeing and my ability to care for our baby!!!! Now he wants my medical records and my OHIP records for the past 5 years - fine, I have nothing to hide!! He does, I am going to ask for his... His rehab records, psychotherapist records, doctors, CAS..

I am going for Sole custody. I think this is one of his ways of trying to thwart my chances, he has used a lot of divorce tactics that are cruel and uncalled for, bullying really. My lawyer and I are not cruel. We are going to court for an intrium motion for custody and access in April. I have proof of his drinking, his admittance to depression and anxiety on his part, emails.... I am scared and begining to doubt myself. What else can I do?
 
TRG2010 said:
His sister was the main supervisor until 2 weeks ago. It was his weekend. Baby was sick the day before, she stayed home, told him would let him knowif Sun would be ok later. Left message on phone and sent email sun morning letting him know she was ok and I would see him at 9:30am. He did not show up (stated in court we each do the picking up), his sister at 11:30am calls and harrasses me, asking where she was, I said he was to pick her up. she continued on - is it legal , was it said in court, is it on paper, was it through the lawyers. all to which I said yes, she went on, then hung up on me. So I told my lawyer I no longer approve of her as a supervisor. Why would I want someone who disrespects me as a suitable supervisor for my baby??
Click to expand...

Calm down, re-read that paragraph above, take another deep breath, and re-write what happened. Before you repost it, read it again.
 
TRG2010 said:
So now, his lawyer states I am doing things to frustrate his access, that he (my ex) says my actions are erratic, irrational and unjustifieed and her has concerns about my psychological wellbeing and my ability to care for our baby!!!! Now he wants my medical records and my OHIP records for the past 5 years - fine, I have nothing to hide!! He does, I am going to ask for his... His rehab records, psychotherapist records, doctors, CAS..

I am going for Sole custody. I think this is one of his ways of trying to thwart my chances, he has used a lot of divorce tactics that are cruel and uncalled for, bullying really. My lawyer and I are not cruel. We are going to court for an intrium motion for custody and access in April. I have proof of his drinking, his admittance to depression and anxiety on his part, emails.... I am scared and begining to doubt myself. What else can I do?
Click to expand...

Im in a similar situation. Ex is trying everything to prove that Im making it impossible for him to gain access to our daughter because that's all he has left because he and everyone else knows there is no way he can get any type of custody. Even told this to me a few weeks ago.

I wouldn't worry much, as long as you think you are doing what's in the best interest of the child keep doing what you can. These I believe are only threats because they are feeling volnureble and know this is out of their control ( and they don't like being controlled that's for sure)

My ex decided this weekend not to show up either! Nice. Is going to wait till courts and lawyer decide his access. Am I worried, not really. I think he just wanted a break and didn't want to have to deal with me.
 
ps- did you talk to your lawyer about this? If so, what did they say? Im also going to court this month!
 
dadtotheend said:
Calm down, re-read that paragraph above, take another deep breath, and re-write what happened. Before you repost it, read it again.
Click to expand...

I dont understand...sorry, I will try. If I am missing what you are trying to tell me, please tell me.

Access is supervised (CAS stated this, then told me it was at my discretion after they talked to him), it is supervised by his friends and/or family. His sister is the main one he uses to supervise his access dates, he does have other people. I stopped it 2 weeks ago. It was his weekend. Baby was sick on the Saturday, fever, up all night, she stayed home. I called and wrote and email and let him know she was sick and that I would let let him know if she was better for his Sunday access later on. On Sunday morning I left a message on his phone and sent an email letting him know she was ok and I would see him at 9:30am. He did not show up (stated in court we each do the picking up), his sister at 11:30am calls and harrasses me, asking where she was, I said he was to pick her up. she continued on - is it legal , was it said in court, is it on paper, was it through the lawyers. all to which I said yes, she went on, then hung up on me. Her tone was antagonistic and loud, I was in shock at her actions and remained calm, I did not raise my voice, I barely had a chance to say anything over her and before knew it, she hung up on me. I called my lawyer and told him what had happend and told him that I no longer aprove of her as a supervisor. That I never disrespected her and I dont deserve that. I also reminded my lawyer (forgot this earlier) that she was already told that her contacting me was not acceptable - she tried negotiating access back in december and was told it needed to be through the lawyers.

Im sorry dadtotheend.. I dont know... I think I am missing what you are trying to tell me, please help.
 
Sounds like there's a heavy undercurrent of conflict.

If y'all were getting along OK, this wouldn't have escalated. Try and work on doing what it takes to get along, even when it's not your fault.

Easier said than done.
 
tugofwar - I just recieved this letter today and my lawyer wasn't in the office. (His secretary emails it to me). I have pointed out a few things in a letter I wrote to help me to calm down. The fact that I was in a shelter twice and that if htey suspect anything they have an legal obligation to report to the authorites, the did (the shelter) write me a letter stating they have no concerns regarding my parenting, CAS also just had concerns with him, not me. I will, hopefully, talk to him tomorrow. Also, I traded weekends with him because of his work schedule, how am i trying to frustrate his access?? I adjust my schedule to accomodate his work schedule, then he complains if I want things adjusted to accomodate babies schedule - 9am instead of 9:30am. I feel I am bending over backwards for him, not getting recognized for that, but they harrass me and I am supposed to put up with it? It Sucks!! I know, tactics and lifes not fair... well it should be.
 
dadtotheend said:
Sounds like there's a heavy undercurrent of conflict.

If y'all were getting along OK, this wouldn't have escalated. Try and work on doing what it takes to get along, even when it's not your fault.

Easier said than done.
Click to expand...


Very true - Easier said than done. There is a ton of conflict!! has been even before I left him. I say black ,he says white, if I then say white, he says grey..... We don't agree on anything. He wants her all weekend friday to sunday, he has since she was 6 months, and she is nursing, still is. I have tried to explain that she needs to have her visits expanded over time so she can adjust, he still insists on what he wants, then he wants 10am-4pm. 10am is nap time, I said 9 or 9:30, give her time to get settled before her nap, and she comes home at 12:30 to nurse, her times can increase over time. (it was just increased to 9:30-12:30 in Feb, but he has missed every weekend of his since then) He wants it now. There is no getting along, not as far as I can see, well yes there is... if I agree to everything he says and do things exactly the way he wants. I try...feels like I am hitting my head against a brick wall...
 
TRG2010 said:
Very true - Easier said than done. There is a ton of conflict!! has been even before I left him. I say black ,he says white, if I then say white, he says grey..... We don't agree on anything. He wants her all weekend friday to sunday, he has since she was 6 months, and she is nursing, still is. I have tried to explain that she needs to have her visits expanded over time so she can adjust, he still insists on what he wants, then he wants 10am-4pm. 10am is nap time, I said 9 or 9:30, give her time to get settled before her nap, and she comes home at 12:30 to nurse, her times can increase over time. (it was just increased to 9:30-12:30 in Feb, but he has missed every weekend of his since then) He wants it now. There is no getting along, not as far as I can see, well yes there is... if I agree to everything he says and do things exactly the way he wants. I try...feels like I am hitting my head against a brick wall...
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I totally understand because I am in the same boat. There's nothing you can do about it. He doesn't like to be told how he should have access. Mine enjoyed his sporadic visits before his lawyer told him he should try to get her at least once a week.
It's a control issue. They don't understand the importance of routine! I don't know about your whole situation but my daughter doesn't really know who he is and doesn't know him as her father, just someone who picks her up and drops her off.
There's no real thing you can do but try your best to just stay focused on your child. Your ex sounds like mine, it's not about the children but themselves and I don't think that will change. He will not change.
 
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Family Law Statue - Best Interest of Children

Family Law Statue - Best Interest of Children

Under the family law act you have support with respect to the fact you were abused. Hope this helps.

Order for exclusive possession: criteria
(3) In determining whether to make an order for exclusive possession, the court shall consider,
(a) the best interests of the children affected;
(b) any existing orders under Part I (Family Property) and any existing support orders;
(c) the financial position of both spouses;
(d) any written agreement between the parties;
(e) the availability of other suitable and affordable accommodation; and
(f) any violence committed by a spouse against the other spouse or the children. R.S.O. 1990, c. F.3, s. 24 (3).
 
Don't allow him to treat you like a door mat!!!! He just doesn't know what to do with you if you start speaking up. Just stay focused on your child, schedule and routine, offer things around that routine and if he can't deal with it or is making it hard, tell your lawyer.
Children need routine and consistency. It's a proven fact. Keep that and state that to him and if he demands anything more talk to your lawyer.
 
Tugofwar - others have told me the same. Control, I feel controlled by him still and abused still. I am so sad, I dont believe that anything will come from his alligations of my "psychologicall wellbeing and my ability to parent - our baby", but part of me isn't sure!!! Sometimes I doubt myself, but then I know I am a great mom. I love her, I nurse her when she asks, I play with her, I hold her and hug her and kiss her. I take her for walks, and her apointments, I dont yell or anything like that at her, shes always clean and happy. Just reading what he says hurts!!! I keep trying to talk to myself, like, if he is so concerned about her, then why is he just asking for joint custody? I have a 13 year old, she is an excellent student - A's & B's, she is respectful, loving, honest, well manered teen. I rasied her myself, doesnt that say something? Isn't this kind of stuff he's doing ruining his own chances for joint custody? I say the same tugofwar - he is just interested in whats best for himself, not her. I hope the courts see it too. Stuff like this makes me want sole custody even more, he scares me! Am I wrong??

Also, anyone know what would be considered "all treating medical professionals"? his lawyer wants all of my "medical clinical notes and records" from them. Obviously family doctor, who else? My midwife? cousellors? therapists?

I'm tired... hard to stay strong...
 
tugofwar said:
Don't allow him to treat you like a door mat!!!! He just doesn't know what to do with you if you start speaking up. Just stay focused on your child, schedule and routine, offer things around that routine and if he can't deal with it or is making it hard, tell your lawyer.
Children need routine and consistency. It's a proven fact. Keep that and state that to him and if he demands anything more talk to your lawyer.
Click to expand...


I try... dammit... haha.. on one occasion, i droped her off. it was 9:30am. Lawyers letter stated her dropp off time was to be sometime in the morning according to her scedule. most times it was 10am. well her nursings were starting earlier in the morining, then she would nurse every 2-2 1/2 hours. she nursed at 9, best to drop her off at 9:30. makes sense right!? So I get there, right off the bat - your early - (no hi baby, so happy to see you....) I said its according to her schedule, he says "well. dont worry , that will change soon (all antagonistic)

Looking4answers - I only have a few things for proof of abuse - none of his abuse was physical - I have a letter he wrote stating he knows he was neglectful and distant, I have the fact I called the police, and I have the marriage therapist - I told her, with him there an incident where he was verbally and emotionally abusive which he addmitted to saying. thats it. I dont know if the courts will see that as enough. The rest I have is all my word against his, and there are a lot, 40 typed pages of incidents. Hopefully the judge will ook at it as there is something in there that is the truth. Oh I have my daughter as well, she witnessed a lot of it, but my lawyer says that a judge is going to frown on using her as a witness. Another witness I have to an incident is his sister, not likely she will testify for me. The exclusive possession is not a factor here. I moved out, and I am now in geared to income housing. I can't afford the home even if he let me stay there, the mortgage is too much!!! But thank you!! I will look into that link.
 
TRG2010 said:
Tugofwar - others have told me the same. Control, I feel controlled by him still and abused still. I am so sad, I dont believe that anything will come from his alligations of my "psychologicall wellbeing and my ability to parent - our baby", but part of me isn't sure!!! Sometimes I doubt myself, but then I know I am a great mom. I love her, I nurse her when she asks, I play with her, I hold her and hug her and kiss her. I take her for walks, and her apointments, I dont yell or anything like that at her, shes always clean and happy. Just reading what he says hurts!!! I keep trying to talk to myself, like, if he is so concerned about her, then why is he just asking for joint custody? I have a 13 year old, she is an excellent student - A's & B's, she is respectful, loving, honest, well manered teen. I rasied her myself, doesnt that say something? Isn't this kind of stuff he's doing ruining his own chances for joint custody? I say the same tugofwar - he is just interested in whats best for himself, not her. I hope the courts see it too. Stuff like this makes me want sole custody even more, he scares me! Am I wrong??

Also, anyone know what would be considered "all treating medical professionals"? his lawyer wants all of my "medical clinical notes and records" from them. Obviously family doctor, who else? My midwife? cousellors? therapists?

I'm tired... hard to stay strong...
Click to expand...

Listen, don't worry about him or what he thinks! That's the first step! I was the same before, didn't want to rock the boat, I didn't want to upset him and in the meantime my daughter was suffering because I was thinking of him and not her.

Have you tried any type of counselling? I strongly recommend it! Honestly, the best thing I have ever done for myself and my daughter. Ive learned to put her first!

I go back and forth to about joint and sole but honestly "I strongly believe that it is in my daughter's best interest to have sole custody!"

Just do your best for your children! All that you mentioned about that you do, does he do the same?
Just think of all the great things you plan on doing with your child. How you will continue feeding them emotionally, and educate etc.
Make a parenting plan for the child. What do you plan on doing to ensure your child has the best life possible.

As for him, forget about him. STEP 1!
 
What are your plans? Did you mention going to court soon? As for the abuse, emotional will probably be hard to prove etc.
Focus on why you are the good parent. If you focus too much about all his faults etc I don't think the judge will care.
Like I said, make a parenting plan, think of all the things that make you a good parent and focus on that. That's all I have.
 
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