Extra Curricular's/Underemployment/Offset CS, etc

[LovingFather32]

How quickly has she forgotten Mother's Day
And all your kind deeds
And thoughts

Yes indeed. And perhaps she forgot about all the holidays I missed when she denied access. But I wont dwell on that. All my nice deeds and thoughts arn't for my ex that's for sure .. they're for D5
When you have an education and are fully bilingual you have a lot of options in the workforce. It would just be nice for her to attempt contributing financially just a little bit for our child.

 

[LovingFather32]

Just to clarify between section 7 and extra-curricular...

With offset CS:
non-section 7 expenses (e.g. 'normal' extracurriculars) should be split 50-50 because the point of the offset payment is so that each household has equal $'s to spend.

Regardless of full vs offset CS:
section 7 expenses (which may include some 'special' extracurriculars) are proportional to income.

That's the theory, anyway ... and individual orders may specify some other arrangement.

So it's possible she should be paying 50%....

Is this true? Personally I know if my ex put D5 in say swimming or anything that would benefit her and that she enjoys .. I would pay 50% right away. Or at least set up a plan that I pay for one and she pays another....something like that.

Our order says noting about extra curricular or S7 .. it wasn't even touched. I can handle all the expenses .. but I just have to work 3 times as harder to do it....which is fine by me. It would just be nice to have a rest once in a while and have her help out a bit.

All in all I've decided not to even approach her on it for now. D5's big recital is coming up at the National Arts Center and my ex will get to enjoy the end result of all the blood, sweat tears and money put in to it. The last thing I want is conflict at this point.

 

[stripes]

This strikes me as a pretty simple question.

You can ask Mom to contribute towards Kid's extracurricular activities. If she says yes, great. If she says no, you're no worse off than you are now. If she says no and money's getting tight, you'll have to prioritize what you can afford on your income, especially if there's a new baby coming.

 

[LovingFather32]

This strikes me as a pretty simple question.

You can ask Mom to contribute towards Kid's extracurricular activities. If she says yes, great. If she says no, you're no worse off than you are now. If she says no and money's getting tight, you'll have to prioritize what you can afford on your income, especially if there's a new baby coming.

I'd pretty much agree to everything here. The S7 and extra curricular stuff is more in principle than anything. We're pretty good financially. G/f is now a nurse and I have 2 jobs plus I'm a magician (few gigs/week at 200/show). So it's more just like....why doesn't she contribute anything?

We can still pay our bills and live very comfortably with money left over .... but we did cancel out summer vacation. If ex contributed we would still go this summer. When we have a new baby we're fine financially . Equal parenting doesnt seem so equal financially....I literally pay everything....plus offset because she chooses to not make what she's capable of earning.

 

[SadAndTired]

I understand the principle but C/S is only based on your income and now girlfriend is working as a nurse? You likely have 3times the income your ex has. It is her that can't afford to help pay for ballet by my calculation. What does she bring home? 1,200 a month?

 

[standing on the sidelines]

I'd pretty much agree to everything here. The S7 and extra curricular stuff is more in principle than anything. We're pretty good financially. G/f is now a nurse and I have 2 jobs plus I'm a magician (few gigs/week at 200/show). So it's more just like....why doesn't she contribute anything?

We can still pay our bills and live very comfortably with money left over .... but we did cancel out summer vacation. If ex contributed we would still go this summer. When we have a new baby we're fine financially . Equal parenting doesnt seem so equal financially....I literally pay everything....plus offset because she chooses to not make what she's capable of earning.

I see it really isnt a matter of money but just a matter of principal. I can understand that but sometimes you just have to let some stuff go. Ask yourself these questions.

does daughter enjoy it?
is it beneficially to her?
can I really afford it?

If you answered yes to all the above then maybe this isnt a big deal. Yes it would be nice if Mom contributed but if she cannot afford it then its up to you.

 

[Beachnana]

If you are experiencing Financial difficulties Girl Guides of Canada will happily assist. You just have to ask your Sparks Guider if you could apply for financial assistance so D5 can continue in Sparks. I think it's $175 for registration. Not to expensive.

 

[Beachnana]

So if ballet is $1000 and Sparks is $175 you are out of pocket by $560. Does this really mean you cancelled your vacation?

Seems a little petty.

 

[SadAndTired]

My youngest is a competitive dancer. Regular ballet lesson for the entire year is $425. Costume was another hundred. Sparks as far as I know is around $175 or less for the year. Total $700 at most.

 

[LovingFather32]

So if ballet is $1000 and Sparks is $175 you are out of pocket by $560. Does this really mean you cancelled your vacation?

Seems a little petty.

Wow Beach .. Very surprised by your posts lately. First you frown upon me having D5 make a mothers day card for her mother .. now the petty thing.

I think in a previous post I mentioned it was more on "principle" (keyword). We're equal parents and she pays for nothing. I'm sorry I'm not a mom coming on saying her ex isn't paying anything .. then the "deadbeat" word would be tossed around.

Beach, we're not doing bad but we do have to prioritize (vacations, etc) as my ex refuses to pay anything for our child and I still pay her CS. We'l still go camping, etc as we do every year. I don't think I'm being petty .. fairly odd comment. I bet almost $600 bucks means something to some people during the summer holiday.

I don't think that refusing to offer any financial support to a child should be okay in an equal regime .. but my initial question for the thread was whether or not I should perhaps communicate to her somehow that it would be helpful for her to contribute something...anything ("Principle"). As mentioned...I buy the clothes, school stuff, etc...all kid expenses and activities. For example .. half the clothes I buy D5 stay at my ex's...and half stay here. She just wont buy anything. So it's not all just extra curricular.

 

[LovingFather32]

I see it really isnt a matter of money but just a matter of principal. I can understand that but sometimes you just have to let some stuff go. Ask yourself these questions.

does daughter enjoy it?
is it beneficially to her?
can I really afford it?

If you answered yes to all the above then maybe this isnt a big deal. Yes it would be nice if Mom contributed but if she cannot afford it then its up to you.

Yes, "principle" more than anything. I agree. I did answer yes to all the above. I think the best thing for me to do is leave it alone and just continue to work hard for my family. No need to turn a molehill into a mountain. A little help wouldn't hurt but what are ya going to do?

 

[Beachnana]

It's not an equal regime. In your case your ex is only tolerating you and the shared parenting.

You were smart and self represented your self to equal parenting based on an order and she is playing nice and friendly. Enjoying your Mother's Day efforts ( which I still believe is unnecessary but your choice).

She will never give you the time of day when it comes to money. There are people who work for everything they want and then there is your ex enjoying the gravy train a desperate dad was grateful to agree to.

You seem to be a super dad and I only hope your daughter lives up to all pressure from both parents and continues to be an exceptional child. But then are not all our children exceptional when they are cute 5 year olds.

Just accept she will not pay and let your daughter figure that out in a few years when she starts to question who pays for what.

I deal with lots of teen girls who have separated and they are smart, manipulative and wise to the world. They are no longer a minority to be whispered about they are the norm. There are even blogs about how to deal with 2 sets of parents at weddings and graduation ceremonies.

It's the world your generation have created so it is what it is. You need to be more cynical.

 

[LovingFather32]

It's not an equal regime. In your case your ex is only tolerating you and the shared parenting.

lol .. no .. we're tolerating each other actually. I think it's what most separated parents do for their kids.

Enjoying your Mother's Day efforts ( which I still believe is unnecessary but your choice).

I dont think I'm the first nor the last parent to have a child buy a gift or make a card for their other parent on a special day. D5 enjoyed it...that's all that matters really.

She will never give you the time of day when it comes to money. There are people who work for everything they want and then there is your ex enjoying the gravy train a desperate dad was grateful to agree to.

Pretty much nailed it here. lol I'm not making the money thing a big deal and I'm not asking for her to contribute. D5 sees that I buy everything .. I just hope she doesn't see less of her mom by noticing she buys nothing..is it weird I think that way? Probably I guess I certainly ensure my child never does without.

Also, she beame just as desperate when she was told to do something or I would have sole custody.

You seem to be a super dad and I only hope your daughter lives up to all pressure from both parents and continues to be an exceptional child. But then are not all our children exceptional when they are cute 5 year olds.

Beach .. I'm far from Super .. but I do consider my self a great dad. I dont understand why you feel D5 has any kind of pressure more than any other normal child. We're big on teaching that nobody's perfect and mistakes are made (we have discussions on why erasers were invented..lol). Not sure I get the pressure thing you speak of.

It's the world your generation have created so it is what it is. You need to be more cynical.

Bahh .. I'm not really into cynicism...except when I see parents denying access without good cause..which I get crap for here on the site...but it's just a touchy subject for me.
Always been a glass half full kind of guy .. in certain situations I can see where being cynical might help me. lol

 

[arabian]

for what it's worth I think your 'ship sailed' with regards to getting your ex to pay for dance etc. I believe she would have had to agree to it in the first place for you to have any right to go after her for money. Your lawyer was a dud and didn't alert you to that so you didn't have it in your SA.

Your ex is a leach so I'd just accept it and move on. I don't think you would be successful in having a higher income imputed to her now anyway. Now the most recent thing she has on her resume is babysitting so it would be pretty difficult, if not impossible, to prove that she could be hired for anything else that pays more. She seems to have satisfied her welfare/social worker that she is working to her maximum capacity or they would have cut her off by now I think. Again, ship has sailed.

 

[LovingFather32]

Darn ships and their sailing. lol
Wasn't just dance...just .. anything. Perhaps a shirt or a pizza day at school once in a blue moon. That's what parents do.

Yea .. I thought the same thing. The important thing is that I got what I set out for and D5 is doing amazing. I'm not afraid of a little hard work .. I'll just keep chugging on.

 

[arabian]

well look at it this way... the good taxpayers are helping out

your ex is a total low-life...any time when you don't have to have dialogue with her is a good thing

 

[LovingFather32]

well look at it this way... the good taxpayers are helping out

your ex is a total low-life...any time when you don't have to have dialogue with her is a good thing

Omg I totally agree about the dialogue piece. It was quite a ride wasn't it. I really can't thank you personally enough for all your support and help.

 

[arabian]

Every time when I feel a tad sorry for my ex, or hear a BS sob story from a lying patient, I look at the yellow post-it note on my computer:

"we all eat lies when our hearts are hungry"

For some reason this snaps me back into the present... into reality - it works ...kind of like a cue of sorts

Perhaps you need some sort of cue to keep you from being too much of Mr. Nice Guy w.r.t. your ex? (your dud lawyer's business card on the fridge...) - something to remind you that the bitch put you through hell and back. You are the sort of person who probably gets taken advantage of and you can bet your ex knows this.

 

[Berner_Faith]

Wow Beach .. Very surprised by your posts lately. First you frown upon me having D5 make a mothers day card for her mother .. now the petty thing.

I think in a previous post I mentioned it was more on "principle" (keyword). We're equal parents and she pays for nothing. I'm sorry I'm not a mom coming on saying her ex isn't paying anything .. then the "deadbeat" word would be tossed around.

Beach, we're not doing bad but we do have to prioritize (vacations, etc) as my ex refuses to pay anything for our child and I still pay her CS. We'l still go camping, etc as we do every year. I don't think I'm being petty .. fairly odd comment. I bet almost $600 bucks means something to some people during the summer holiday.

I don't think that refusing to offer any financial support to a child should be okay in an equal regime .. but my initial question for the thread was whether or not I should perhaps communicate to her somehow that it would be helpful for her to contribute something...anything ("Principle"). As mentioned...I buy the clothes, school stuff, etc...all kid expenses and activities. For example .. half the clothes I buy D5 stay at my ex's...and half stay here. She just wont buy anything. So it's not all just extra curricular.

Well you are partly to blame for this one. First off, your expenses seem to equal less than $100 per month so I'm not even sure they fall under S7 or extracurricular. Bite the bullet and spend the $100 a month. It isn't even a principle thing when it comes to $100 per month.

As for the rest, stop sending clothes to the the exs house... that's pretty simple... what you buy stays at your house. Sure a few items may end up going back and forth but why would your ex buy clothes when you fund the wardrobe at her house? If your concerned about paying for school activities stop. If it's not worth stopping without her contribution it's not worth bringing up.

For what it's worth my husband pays full CS plus we buy all our own clothes for the kids and pay for sports... sports which we drive 1.5 hours to pick the kids up so they can attend their sports and then drive 1.5 hours back to drop them off... usually twice a week in the summer. By principle his ex should be helping out because she agrees to the sport but does she? Nope! We pay all fees, all uniform costs and do all the driving. It is what it is and we do it for the children. Asking her to chip in would be useless so why bother?


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[LovingFather32]

It isn't even a principle thing when it comes to $100 per month.

Ballet alone is 350/semester. Where are you getting your figures? I'm not just talking about extra curricular .... everything Berner.

It's my fault that my ex wont pay anything for our child? Wow...that's a new one. If I were a mother coming on saying dad won't pay a penny towards anything I BET you wouldn't say it's partly her fault. Just a prediction.

It's TOTALLY principle. If you have a child you contribute "something..anything". No?

what you buy stays at your house. Sure a few items may end up going back and forth but why would your ex buy clothes when you fund the wardrobe at her house?

Her mom would have nothing to dress her in if I didn't send stuff. I tried it and she sent her to school in sizes way too small and ripped.

If your concerned about paying for school activities stop. If it's not worth stopping without her contribution it's not worth bringing up.

Yea .. I'll continue to pay and I wont bring it up. But it's just in addition to everything else.

By principle his ex should be helping out because she agrees to the sport but does she? Nope! We pay all fees, all uniform costs and do all the driving. It is what it is and we do it for the children. Asking her to chip in would be useless so why bother?

Yep. That's the conclusion I am coming to as well. Except I'm not telling you that you're partly to blame like you are me. If Im to blame for anything it would be that I didn't take care of it in my order. But I'm not even complaining anymore. I said I'm leaving it alone. ... so you can probably stop saying how its partly my fault she doesn't pay anything for her child and that it's not about principle. (Pretty ridiculous thing to say in my opinion)... I'm totally not surprised. I'm starting to understand this site more and more.