Extra Curricular's/Underemployment/Offset CS, etc

LovingFather32

LovingFather32

New member
Just a quick question as I've never really delved in to S7 or extra curricular stuff.

Currently, I have D5 in a really great Ballet class and Sparks. Here she has many friends, thoroughly enjoys it and is flourishing like crazy. The ballet is the big expense.

My question is this ... my ex is not contributing to anything extra curricular, but sees the benefits (social/emotional, etc), the friends she's made and all the other good stuff associated with being in these 2 clubs.

She still ha me paying offset CS and is still underemployed, babysitting one child at pretty much minimum wage .. while she is fully bilingual and educated with a degree.

Would it be wrong of me to ask her to contribute a bit towards .. say the ballet recital costume? Or a portion of these costs? Or at least lower CS while I'm paying this stuff? It's just hard for me to understand because her bilingualism and education could land her a job that easily pays more than I get right now .. in which case I would be receiving offset..which would help pay for this stuff. ButI don't really want to go down the "underemployed" road.

Before posters say to take the child out if I can't afford it .. I can afford it but it's getting tougher. But we all see the benfits and she's made many friends. We can't simply pull her out.

Is it normal to ask my ex to help out a bit? As an equal parent (I'm paying for everything for D5...ie. school supplies, clothing, book bags, extra curricular's e..as well as normal expenses of a 50/50 parent)

What are the chances we can even things out just a little bit?

Thanks
 
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Only you know how amicable your ex has actually become. Do you think asking her to help with the costs would break down the fragile coparenting relationship you've managed so far?

You may have to choose between ballet and Sparks, if your ex refuses to help with the costs. Lots of kids don't get to do everything they want to do, no matter how good it is for them, because it's simply not affordable.

Just be careful that your ex doesn't spin it as "your dad is making you stop Sparks." Make sure your child understands that "mom and dad aren't able to afford both." You don't need to tell her that her mom never helped pay for either before.

You have to remove your bitterness about your ex's underemployment, and the resulting unfair offset CS, from the s7 equation. Her income is what it is, until she has enough incentive to change it. Start by asking for her proportional share of both ballet and Sparks, and see what happens from there.
 
What is she paying in Offset CS (is her income $20k or imputed as $20k or another amount)? What should her actual income be ($60k?) as a bilingual educator? Was your agreement/order signed with a $60k income and she changed it afterwards?
 
Adversely you could ask family members to give it as a gift. When my siblings kids were little I would buy them things my sister and brother in law struggled to afford. This included clothing, sports equipment for things they were registered in, dance costumes, swimming lessons etc.

I hated buying them more toys they would only play with for a short period of time so this was a way to help my siblings and my nieces/nephews at the same time.
 
I am in the same boat but with competitive cheerleading. Our court order states that all agreed upon section 7 expenses will be paid 50/50 otherwise it is the parents who registers responsibility. My ex make it a point in EVERY email about cheer to add the line: Please remember you are responsible for cheer as I did not agree to _______ participating in it. This is on emails that have to do with competition information, class time changes, anything. She also tells my daughter to tell me that I am responsible for everything in regards to cheer. It's sad really but the way I see is, my daughter loves cheer and is happy doing it, so I continue to pay for it, do all the driving for it and enjoy it with her. I also pay offset child support to an unfair income (She has been on welfare for years and won't even get a minimum wage job) Take your ex out of the equation and decide if you can continue to pay for such activities and remember your doing it for your daughter, not for your ex.
 
Rioe said:
Only you know how amicable your ex has actually become. Do you think asking her to help with the costs would break down the fragile coparenting relationship you've managed so far?
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We're doing sooo good and I don't want to rock the boat so to speak.

Lots of kids don't get to do everything they want to do, no matter how good it is for them, because it's simply not affordable.
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Yea .. each just has so much to offer. She's learning so many social skills, kindness, empathy, etc from Sparks and has tons of buddies. Likewise her dance is just so amazing and good for her and she has a ton of friend there too. But I'll have to do some cutting at some point I suppose.
You have to remove your bitterness about your ex's underemployment, and the resulting unfair offset CS, from the s7 equation. Her income is what it is, until she has enough incentive to change it.
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I agree I am a tad bitter about it. I pay for everything and she is choosing to be underemployed to live the easy life and doesn't help financially for most things.
Start by asking for her proportional share of both ballet and Sparks, and see what happens from there.
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That was why I started the thread. I just want to make sure asking her would be the right thing to do. What's the worst that could happen I guess?
 
Canadaguy said:
What is she paying in Offset CS (is her income $20k or imputed as $20k or another amount)? What should her actual income be ($60k?) as a bilingual educator? Was your agreement/order signed with a $60k income and she changed it afterwards?
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I'm paying offset. She has chosen to look after 2 kids during the day making min wage instead of earning what she is capable of (paralegal diploma and fully bilingual).
Agreement was normal offset clause and I didn't pry on her underemployment, just as I wont now. I just would like at least some help with our child financially ... without starting a war.
 
rockscan said:
Adversely you could ask family members to give it as a gift. When my siblings kids were little I would buy them things my sister and brother in law struggled to afford. This included clothing, sports equipment for things they were registered in, dance costumes, swimming lessons etc.

I hated buying them more toys they would only play with for a short period of time so this was a way to help my siblings and my nieces/nephews at the same time.
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Great idea Rock. My mom already spoils our kids like crazy. lol
 
freckles1234 said:
I am in the same boat but with competitive cheerleading. Our court order states that all agreed upon section 7 expenses will be paid 50/50 otherwise it is the parents who registers responsibility. My ex make it a point in EVERY email about cheer to add the line: Please remember you are responsible for cheer as I did not agree to _______ participating in it. This is on emails that have to do with competition information, class time changes, anything. She also tells my daughter to tell me that I am responsible for everything in regards to cheer. It's sad really but the way I see is, my daughter loves cheer and is happy doing it, so I continue to pay for it, do all the driving for it and enjoy it with her. I also pay offset child support to an unfair income (She has been on welfare for years and won't even get a minimum wage job) Take your ex out of the equation and decide if you can continue to pay for such activities and remember your doing it for your daughter, not for your ex.
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Okay .. so you feel my pain on this one. Very similar stuff. My ex must be doing a good job with D5 as she is happy and thriving across all domains. Her teacher said we didn't even need a parent-teacher interview...so proud of her.
I have nothing bad to say about my ex .. we're co-parenting like champions. I just wish she could pull her weight financially or else D5 may be the one doing without. What am I saying....I'll work 6 jobs if I have to so that D5 can still enjoy seeing her friends and enjoying these 2 activities. I just wish it didn't have to be like that.

I just peeked at my agreement again and absolutely nothing about extra curricular expenses were mentioned.
 
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Just to clarify between section 7 and extra-curricular...

With offset CS:
non-section 7 expenses (e.g. 'normal' extracurriculars) should be split 50-50 because the point of the offset payment is so that each household has equal $'s to spend.

Regardless of full vs offset CS:
section 7 expenses (which may include some 'special' extracurriculars) are proportional to income.

That's the theory, anyway ... and individual orders may specify some other arrangement.

So it's possible she should be paying 50%....
 
LovingFather32 said:
Okay .. so you feel my pain on this one. Very similar stuff. My ex must be doing a good job with D5 as she is happy and thriving across all domains. Her teacher said we didn't even need a parent-teacher interview...so proud of her.
I have nothing bad to say about my ex .. we're co-parenting like champions. I just wish she could pull her weight financially or else D5 may be the one doing without. What am I saying....I'll work 6 jobs if I have to so that D5 can still enjoy seeing her friends and enjoying these 2 activities. I just wish it didn't have to be like that.

I just peeked at my agreement again and absolutely nothing about extra curricular expenses were mentioned.
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I do feel your pain! I thank god every day for my wife who helps with paying the fees and does most of the driving (I work night shift so I cant do all the practices). That is awesome that your daughter is thriving! Honestly, count your blessings! My daughter is being put in the middle no matter how hard I try to keep her out.

My feelings exactly! I would work 6 jobs and not sleep in order to give my daughter what she wants. She loves cheer and it is her getaway from life. I would sell my right hand to keep her in it!

It was put in my agreement because I insisted on a clause stating that she can do cheer (her mom has tried to pull her out 2 times because she "didn't like it") If it isn't in there the best you can do is ask but dont expect it will happen.
 
This is totally unrelated .. but the first real hiccup since our order.

D5's B-day lands on my day this year (did last year as well). But since it's the middle of the week (Wednesday) I will be having it on a different weekend.

Anyways .. my ex's response wasn't too happy. She said that since she wasn't going to have D5 on her b-day again that she was going to go.

I haven't been on a field trip with D5 yet this year, it's my "parenting time" and I took my last vacation day for it. I don't think I'll even respond to her correspondence. Thoughts?
 
LovingFather32 said:
This is totally unrelated .. but the first real hiccup since our order.

D5's B-day lands on my day this year (did last year as well). But since it's the middle of the week (Wednesday) I will be having it on a different weekend.

Anyways .. my ex's response wasn't too happy. She said that since she wasn't going to have D5 on her b-day again that she was going to go.

I haven't been on a field trip with D5 yet this year, it's my "parenting time" and I took my last vacation day for it. I don't think I'll even respond to her correspondence. Thoughts?
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Sorry .. typed that fast. I'd like to attend a field trip that happens to be on same day aa her bday. Order states that whoever has that day gets her.
 
No need for a response just go on the field trip... if she shows up as well oh well... then your daughter gets the benefit of having both parents there right? Or if you really don't want to see ex let her go and you can see D5 after school


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I don't think she's trying to be difficult or anything ... she just wants to see d5 on her bday.

I understand that these things will even out over the years with scheduling .... but she's got to go on field trips this year and I haven't yet. Already booked my last vacation day .... so I'm going to use it. I suppose I could go with ex.....but I'd rather have my time with D5 just as ex has on field trips.
I'm not turning this into a battle....that's for sure.
 
I wonder since paying for ballet is causing trouble if you and your girlfriend should reconsider having a baby until you are more financially stable? Possibly after girlfriend has her own job?

Babies are very expensive. If you're considering having to decide between Sparks and ballet, likely this isn't the time for a new baby.
 
What does your order say about S7 expenses? Did she agree to these things you enrolled the child to - that you both discussed that it was a necessity ? Would a judge agree that they are a necessity ? How long has the child been enrolled ? Does she have the necessity means to afford them? If so, what percentage could you say she can she afford?

Both so called "s7 expenses" that my ex has unilaterally created without discussion or agreement (both of which I am disputing as necessity), she has not been able to get anything from me. The judge basically told her tough luck at our last court date.

As per her income.. I would think that a minimum imputed salary of $15/ hour would make much more sense for someone with a degree. In what field does she have a degree in and what job search efforts has she made ?
 
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SadAndTired said:
I wonder since paying for ballet is causing trouble if you and your girlfriend should reconsider having a baby until you are more financially stable? Possibly after girlfriend has her own job?

Babies are very expensive. If you're considering having to decide between Sparks and ballet, likely this isn't the time for a new baby.
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They'll be eligible for a baby bonus as well as the new universal child tax benefit that Trudeau brought to life.
 
The thread was initiated to inquire about S7 expenses and whether both parents should be trying to help out...even with some of the school stuff...anything. Also, if I should even ask her if she could help. I pay everything .. the school supplies, pizza days, milk orders, field trips, dance, sparks, shoes, coats, etc.

I already have a thread about our decision to have a new baby .. which we are trying for right now and very excited about. I can barely sleep I'm so excited.

I think Berner's post in my other thread summed it up nicely:
Berner_Faith said:
I have to agree with you... there really is never a "perfect" time... we thought we waited for the perfect time three years ago and then life had other plans... took us three years to finally be able to say we are pregnant. Money is made every day and sometimes you sacrifice what you have to for your children. Best of luck!


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I couldn't have said it any better than Berner. Money comes .. money goes. We're nowhere near the poor house.

Please keep the thread on topic .. if you want to start a convo about having a new baby please visit my other thread touching on that subject. Thanks S&T :-)
 
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