Dsicouraged and concerened!

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Concerned

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Hello,

My name is Rob, I am single, 43, and never been married with no kids........ yup, you read right! I gather you may be asking yourself, "So what the heck am I doing in this forum!!!!". hmmmm.

Well, I am getting to my midlife stage and sort of getting a little lonely. I am a very hard worker, I own 2 successful companies and I am well off.... let's just say I don't deprive myself from anything. Pretty handsome too.

So now your about to answer me with a post that says, "sorry Rob, but you are in the wrong forum and should be in the dating forum site down the hall !!!!!"

Yeah, I know that, but lately, I could not believe what I am reading on the Internet regarding all the marriages ending up in a catastrophic divorce. I mean I have learnt things that leave me in a complete state of shock. Marital law is really not my comfort zone which makes it very scary to get into a relationship.

All I am hearing is how unfair the marital justice system is towards men. I have listened to Marc Rudov's videos, Rexe's video's, men in distress videos and the list goes on and on. And I have read things that just don't make sense anymore. One of the videos went as far to say that the governments pass laws which are advantageous to women in order to get the votes since women are the majority of voters. It is claimed that women are the majority voters because there is a lack of male votes due to the fact that men are not as present during voting election segments. And it goes on to explain that the lack of men is because men are extracted by society in events such as wars(in Irak), men goto jail more often than women, men leave the country to work in construction and that men live less longer than women and resulting in a majority of women left to vote.

What the hell happened to "til death does you part". Why should priests even say this anymore. Today I have seen statistics that show over 1 million divorce case are ongoing in the US as we speak.

So what is a man like myself to do. I really and honestly don't even feel like dating anymore. I am a person which does a great amount of due diligence in whatever I do but I don't see a solution to all of this. All I keep hearing is horror stories but very little advice or guidance for single men so they avoid the injustice that is propagated in today's society.

Very Convoluted.

Sincere regards
Rob
 
Two words: Prenuptial Agreement! ;-)

What you write makes sense. I don't disagree. Every day I think about how 50% of marriages end in divorce and hope my marriage doesn't end up in that statistic. Though as much as my husband and I have been through in our 7 years together, I don't think there's anything we can't get through together!

I'm thinking that at your age, Rob, perhaps "marriage" is not the answer. But an honest and loving partnership with someone who makes you smile and with whom you're in love is what you seek. You don't need to tie the knot. Though you may one day become common-law. But from what I've read or heard from those your age, at the state in life you're in, you know what you want and you know what you don't want. And I think that holds true for most middle-aged people. I think most 40-something women out there are just like you, looking for love and companionship.

A coworker of mine... in her late 40's... is a divorcee but still willing to love and looking for love. She has found some great men on eHarmony and is hopeful that she can find love again and be happy in a partnership. She'd like to be married again, but it's not a priority. She just wants to find someone to spend the rest of her life with.

Don't dispair because of statistics. Each person is different, and each couple is different.

As I've said before, my husband and I have been through A LOT, and it's only made us stronger. Though I know of couples that are not yet married and we can already tell that their relationship will not last.

Don't be afraid to take a chance on love. You'll regret it if you don't.

Cheers!
 
I'll make an assumption here: Being a single non-parent at 43, you may have accumulated some significant savings. So you are understandably concerned at being subjected to some illogical, unequitable laws that says you must 'give it away' if you want to be in a relationship (or rather, exit a relationship).

In any relationship there will be someone who earns more and someone who earns less (one one who has a bigger 'pile'). Which means that as a pair, living the same lifestyle, one will be paying for the other, to some extent. So, once you meet someone you are serious (and crazy!) about, you will have to do some honest (and ongoing) discussions about this. To me, common law makes more sense for 2 people who already have accumulated significant assets. You acknowledge that what's mine, stays mine and ditto yours. And discuss how significant purchases will be handled. I find the common-law separation asset division 'rules' to be quite logical and equitable. Quite different from marriage/divorce rules, and... child support rules.

And don't be too surprised if you meet a woman who is in the same situation as you, and has the same concerns!!!
 
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Hello StepMom,

Its really nice to see that your relationship is in harmony. I wish you well and hope it will last for ever... the way it was meant to be.

You are right, perhaps marriage is not for me, but even under common law, there still can be a great deal of unfairness for men or women depending the way it gets drawn up. If you have 10 minutes to spare..... I know its quite a bit of reading but it sort of demonstrates the false security a prenuptial agreement can actually give, see:

Prenuptial agreements what why how - Marriage relationships divorce family talk

You see, we need to say it the way it is if we are ever going to solve the differences between men and women. In all the women that I have met, they all said that they will never want to get married. But a month or two passed into the relationship, hints did come out that they would really like to be married one day. Its like as if they hide it at first and then slowly slowly they bring it upon the relationship. Heck my mom is 78 and she was thinking of getting married with a man. Thank god she didn't. It goes to show that even if most women say they don't want to get married, they would feel much more comfortable if they eventually did. And there's nothing wrong with that... you know, we guys understand that women have insecurities also and want re-assurance that there future is based on a solid foundation. And that's okay, but we have to level the playing field so both genders feel comfortable in the *whole* ordeal ... so to speak!

I really feel that if two single individuals without kids meet where one is significantly more financially comfortable then the other, this should be taken into fair play and consideration as to who gets what in the event of a breakup if the relationship ever turns to a marriage. A 50% split is sort of harsh don't you think especially when no kids are involved !!!

Look, what I don't understand, is stuff like this. As a scenario, lets suppose a man and a women meet, they get married and have *no* kids. The man gloriously respects and provides house, car, food, and any other financial help for his better half due to the fact that he is much more wealthier then she is. After 5 years of marriage, she meets another man and decides to leave her husband by typically leaving a note on the kitchen table announcing she wants out of the marriage and she demands alimony for her future convenience. Now.... does this seem fair to you? I didn't complicate the scenario because I want to keep it simple, but in any case, so many men have gone through this very unfairness and can't do anything about it. My question, is why is this not recognized as an unfair scenario for the man in court.

Its really a no brainer..... right? But yet, government ministers, lawyers and political bodies which are extremely intelligent individuals having studied for years on end extensive collection of academic complex courses such as physics, calculus and law which are required in academic university programs in order to gain impressive degrees so they can be pined up on there office walls.... these very individuals ...... < don't seem to see the unfairness>.

Its almost as if they do it on purpose or out of spite!
And it can be the other way around where the women is wealthier then the man and the man leaves her for another woman and it wouldn't be fair for the woman to pay alimony to her husband either.

There is too must unfair turmoil. Its like as if it is lovy-dovy at first and all business-law at the breakup. If tomorrow morning, one of my business partners was to leave one of my companies, he gets his share and that's it. There's no busimony owed to him here!

There's about 10 scenarios like this that I personally need concrete answers to for me to gain trust in the marital law system before I lay any signature anywhere. You may think that I will be single for a long time and therefore what will I do with my money....??? honestly I rather give it to medical research!! :-)

>But from what I've read or heard from those your age, at the state in life you're >in, you know what you want and you know what you don't want.

Yeah, I suppose so, but in reality, in my case I think I can feel what they want instead. Honest to God, when I meet a woman, in the first 5 minutes of speaking to her, I get a feeling as to weather or not I am in sync with her or she just simply isn't for me. But even at that, I still am afraid. Its almost as if I would feel more comfortable if some of the laws would change *slightly*. But thats my gut feel talking and I can't fight it or change it.

Sorry for the long post!

Sincere regards
Rob
 
Rob.
Pay for sex. It will save you a bundle in the long run. I have a friend who has done that all his life and he is a happy man. I paid a lot more than he did and got a lot less.

FN
 
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Hello DinkyFace,

>To me, common law makes more sense for 2 people who already have >accumulated significant assets.

So if I get into a relationship and never get married and no kids are involved, I fall under common law right! At this point, on top of that, I have to draw up a prenupt. I have a feeling no woman will want this deal. And that's a concern as well.

You acknowledge that what's mine, stays mine and ditto yours. And discuss how significant purchases will be handled.

Don't mind that!

>I find the common-law separation asset division 'rules' to be quite logical and >equitable. Quite different from marriage/divorce rules, and... child support rules.

Yup, I suppose so. But that doesn't mean I won't examine closely all of those marriage/divorce rules before I get involved. :-)

>And don't be too surprised if you meet a woman who is in the same situation as >you, and has the same concerns!!!

So then let me ask you. If a poor man meets a women which is extremely wealthier than him, and the relationship lasts 5 years as common law whereby she pays everything for him, and one day he decides to leave her high and dry for another women and demands alimony to continue with the same lifestyle.... would he actually get the alimony ?

Just asking!

Sincere regards
Rob
 
Hello FreeNow,

Yeah that could be an option, I know allot of guys too that do that!

But okay the sex is the sex part. But all this unfairness can't go on this way. People need love too! Someone, somewhere has to step up and recognize this because man, I tell ya, its getting really bad out there.

I have seen all types of men, educated, non educated, doctors, lawyers, electricians, bus drivers, chemists, MBA, computer geeks in short individuals in any walk of life being reduced to the most depressive state ever even to the point where suicide was an option. And that's not the worst of it..... some of these people were the most nice, calm and collective individuals and because of this ugly word "divorce" turned them into criminals where they killed the whole family before turning the gun to themselves.

I live in Montreal and there doesn't pass a month or two where some freaking family disaster drama gets manifested in the local newspaper.

Sincere regards
Rob
 
Hello dadtotheend,

Naaa! Probably a concern of many.

"Maybe a sex-change operation would solve a lot of these problems for you?"

Funny how you denoted them as *problems* and it seems like they are problems
that won't go away soon now won't they... with that attitude right dickface!

Sincere regards
Rob!
 
As is the case with everything in life... risk is involved. Emotional risk, physical risk, and financial risk. Although it's great to gain knowledge and try to protect yourself the best you can (I know that's what I try to do)... sometimes you just have to cross your fingers and jump right in, and hope for the best! After all, you live only once. And what will you do with all your savings once you've passed on? Just my 2 cents. ;-)
 
Hello #1StepMom,

And you are definitely entitled to your 2 cents. But I am sorry, I can't buy into that. Not with a 50% divorce rate. If I told you that you could fly from New York to Mexico but have a 50% change that the plane can crash, would you still go?

Trust me, plane crash and a disastrous divorce are both a life threat in case you disagree with my comparison.

And what's even worst is that I posted a very simple scenario, and there doesn't seem to be any resolution.

Relationships for me... ha ! you got to be kidding me!
Given the lack of resolutions, I feel better alone!

Nice chatting with you!

Sincere regards
Rob
 
Concerned said:
Relationships for me... ha ! you got to be kidding me! Given the lack of resolutions, I feel better alone!
Click to expand...

Pease don't take offense... but have you ever considered that maybe, subconsciously, what you want is to be alone?

I understand that the older you get, the more difficult it is to find someone to share the rest of your life with. You become more and more set in your ways with time, and you accumulate your assets all by yourself, making you feel extra protective of what you have accomplished/amassed. From what I hear (I have a single, never-married aunt in her forties), the older you get, the harder it is to change your habits to adjust to life with another individual... and the more reluctant you become to do so.

Perhaps it's my younger age, but I cannot imagine being in love with a person and enjoying our time together, and only thinking "I wonder when he/she will divorce me?"

Maybe it's time to look around? In your family and friend circle... does the 50% rate of divorce hold true?

My husband and I come from intact families (are sets of parents have been married for over 25 years) and there has never been any divorce in our immediate families or circle of friends. So given that fact/trend, as well as everything we've already been through together, we feel that we will not become that statistic. But, all that is certain in life is death and taxes, so you never know what the future may hold. But, I love my husband and he loves me, and we don't think about "what if we divorce?" It's just a non-issue until - should the situation ever arise - it becomes an issue.

What I do know is that it is difficult to find love/companionship when a break-up is your biggest fear.

Maybe one day you will overcome that fear, Rob, and find someone with whom to happily spend the rest of your life with. I wish you all the best in this special endeavour. Because as my never-married great-aunt says... "loneliness is aweful."
 
As a never-married childless great-aunt (!), who has amassed a modest pile, always expecting to support myself - I can also relate to the need to keep my pile safe --- especially on becoming common-law partners with a non-custodial parent i.e. someone who is liable to become financially victimized by capricious judges, an overwhelmed court system, and poorly designed child support rules.
Me, no I don't want to be married. Why would I want to sign a legal contract whose financial implications are completely inequitable on nonsensical? It makes me cringe inside.
 
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#1Stepmom... you are one of the lucky ones.

I wonder if loneliness for a man is as bad as loneliness is for a woman. If someone can answer this, I really would be curious.

And yes, loneliness is awful. But its a better type of "awful loneliness" than the one where a man looses 1/2 his money/assets and ****love**** due to unfair laws !!!

You see, my pet peave #1StepMom, is that I read many posts about this relationship/divorce stuff on forums and the Internet and I read allot of sad stories mostly from men. They are pouring their hearts out on what they have experienced as a divorce. But hearing these stories is not why I am here. I am here to try to understand the unfairness... there must be a reason that my simple scenario has no remorse for its existence. No one can answer as to why it is accepted in court of law. Look, I really don't loose sleep over it. But if I am to get involved in a marriage, I want to know *why* should I ever get divorced I would be stuck with a lifetime maintenance monthly invoice especially if no children are involved. Lets just start there.... I can get complicated too with other scenarios. But l want to know why this simple one would be fair in eyes of the law.

If I can't get an answer.... Then something smells even more fishy. Lets try to expose the reasoning behind the marriage laws passed by our ministers. No wonder I may be happy to be alone.... and this is because the law is not clear in its intent and rational and sincerity to me and to perhaps many other men.

Can anyone rationalize my scenario.... anyone at all!!!!

Sincere regards
Rob
 
Concerned said:
Can anyone rationalize my scenario.... anyone at all!!!!
Click to expand...
Sadly, I don't think even a divorce/family court judge could rationalize the Family Law Act or the Divorce Act. :(

At least that has been my experience. All my husband has ever asked for from the court is what he is entitled to according to the Family Law Act... and he has even quoted sections of the Family Law Act in his conference briefs, stating clearly he wants what is right and fair as per Section X(y) of the Family Law Act or Child Support Guidelines... yet no judge has allowed him this right. Instead, they make rulings to their discretion, because it is what they "feel" in their "opinion" is right at the time. THAT is why so many people (especially men, most of whom are fathers fighting for their children) are posting their sad stories and looking for advice and support on forums such as this.
 
Rob
Prenupt!
Don`t get discouraged there is plenty of successfull single women out there. The women you find shouldn't care about the little empire you have built before her. Yes it seems that the "system" can be unfair. I wouldn't be one of the firsts to tell you so either. I am a single father of my 3 yr son and I'm not discouraged to be married again, one day. Even though it seems like I'm getting the short end of the stick from the old relationship. We (ex and I) have a joint custody and joint guardianship of our son but she has the primary residence. That means I get him 50% of the time but his main home is at her house and we decide together on his major life changing decisions. On top of that I still pay $1200/month. The one thing I should of done is a prenupt, that is one thing I do regret. Not every divorce is nasty with lawerys and money being wasted on them. But the sad part a divorce is the way of life now. It seems "too easy" to get them. The second thing I learned from my marriage is, you find out who your true friends are and what they really thought of your partner. There is nothing wrong to take advice from your friends on what they think of your partner. It could be just hard to ask.
 
Rob, just marry someone who has a job. She won't be economicly disadvantaged by the marriage, and you won't be liable for alimoney. This solves all of your problems.

Now, the problem may be that you have nothing really going for you other than money, so no woman will date you for any other reason than money. If that is the case, changing the law isn't really going to solve your problems, is it?
 
Hello #1StepMom,

But there is so many men and perhaps women that feel that certain laws are unfair to men, so why are we as a society (me, you, judges, lawyers etc...) excepting them? The first step is assuring that society wants to change the laws so that they are fair and if we can't even get to that step, then what's the use.

You see, #1StepMom, then next time a women comes up to me in anger and asks me any of the following questions:

"What the hell is wrong with men these days?"
"Why don't men want to get into a serious relationship?"
"Men are a**h**es because they can't commit?"
"Men are so childish and have no backbone for being a father or a husband?"
"Where are all the real men, all I meet is mama's boys?"
"Why can't I find the right man for marriage?"
"Why are men so scared to get involved in a serious relationship?"

well then, I will just tell them, "why don't you try to understand the divorce laws and maybe you will find you answers there".

You see #1Stepmom, the world is getting smaller and smaller due to the Internet. More and more people are exposed to these unfair laws everyday. If women support these unfair laws, there just shooting themselves on the foot.
See what I mean! Men just won't fall for marriage anymore. They just won't do it! Its not like it was 30 or 40 years ago..... nowadays, kids in the their teens and 20's are realizing what most of us used to realize when we were in our 40's or when it was too late.

You know I really understand that women feel bad about all of this too. I mean women don't go into a marriage with the idea of getting divorced in 5 years from there wedding... at least for the most part! And I know shit happens. But when it does, this were the fairness has to come into play for both genders.

Why can't the government ministers discuss this issue. Its not rocket science you know..... just change the laws so its fair for everyone!

Sincere regards
Rob
 
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