...and marriage? If yes, did you have a period following separation where you didn't believe in love anymore, and how did you get past that? If no, do you think you ever will? What is it doing to you/for you to not believe anymore? Just curious as to the 'healing curve' out there... it would be helpful if everyone who posts also says how long he/she were in the relationship, and how long ago it ended.
Do you still believe in love?
- Thread starter sasha1
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Divorcemanagement
New member
This is a very interesting question and it could conceivably be answered with further questions:
- The person you once loved is now divorcing you (or vice versa) is it because you fell out of love or because there simply wasn't enough love to make it work?
- Is your life, your baggage, your personal demons, one of the reasons that you met and fell in love with the person you are now divorcing?
- If you are now an emotionally healthier and happier person, would you be attracted to and possibly fall in love with someone who shares the same traits as your former spouse - or is there someone with different traits you might be hoping to meet?
I believe (and trust me, I am speaking from personal experience here) that often we meet, seemingly fall in love with, marry and ultimately divorce someone who we loved for all the wrong reasons. The person we were when we met that person might have been a completely different person than the person you are now - for me, I couldn't deal with the possibility of being alone. During my failed marriage, I compromised myself to a point where my fear of being alone (or being abandoned) caused me to literally become someone I am not. Everything I did in that marriage, every decision I made was made from the context of ensuring that I wouldn't be alone, that I wouldn't be abandoned.
Yet the marriage still failed.
So I forced myself to be alone. I had to embrace the fact that I came into this world alone and that I will leave this world alone - I had to make peace with my own vulnerabilities and teach myself that I could be alone and still matter.
And it was painful. It was hard to do. I made tremendous mistakes on that journey.
But I did conquer that demon. I took the experience of divorce and redefined my life based on an acceptance of who I am. I taught myself to never again sacrifice my sense of self for the sake of a relationship and it changed my life - for the better.
My former spouse is a good woman and an exceptional mother. She will probably be an excellent wife for the right person - I was not the right person for her and my divorce taught me that she was definitely not the right person for me.
As my heart and soul have now healed, I can look at love from a healthier and more realistic perspective. I have learned that "it's not what you're doing, it's who you are with" that is important. I have learned to emphasize sharing for the sake of sharing - with no conditions attached. Finally, as Bilbo said in The Fellowship of the Ring, I learned "it is no bad thing to celebrate a simple life".
- The person you once loved is now divorcing you (or vice versa) is it because you fell out of love or because there simply wasn't enough love to make it work?
- Is your life, your baggage, your personal demons, one of the reasons that you met and fell in love with the person you are now divorcing?
- If you are now an emotionally healthier and happier person, would you be attracted to and possibly fall in love with someone who shares the same traits as your former spouse - or is there someone with different traits you might be hoping to meet?
I believe (and trust me, I am speaking from personal experience here) that often we meet, seemingly fall in love with, marry and ultimately divorce someone who we loved for all the wrong reasons. The person we were when we met that person might have been a completely different person than the person you are now - for me, I couldn't deal with the possibility of being alone. During my failed marriage, I compromised myself to a point where my fear of being alone (or being abandoned) caused me to literally become someone I am not. Everything I did in that marriage, every decision I made was made from the context of ensuring that I wouldn't be alone, that I wouldn't be abandoned.
Yet the marriage still failed.
So I forced myself to be alone. I had to embrace the fact that I came into this world alone and that I will leave this world alone - I had to make peace with my own vulnerabilities and teach myself that I could be alone and still matter.
And it was painful. It was hard to do. I made tremendous mistakes on that journey.
But I did conquer that demon. I took the experience of divorce and redefined my life based on an acceptance of who I am. I taught myself to never again sacrifice my sense of self for the sake of a relationship and it changed my life - for the better.
My former spouse is a good woman and an exceptional mother. She will probably be an excellent wife for the right person - I was not the right person for her and my divorce taught me that she was definitely not the right person for me.
As my heart and soul have now healed, I can look at love from a healthier and more realistic perspective. I have learned that "it's not what you're doing, it's who you are with" that is important. I have learned to emphasize sharing for the sake of sharing - with no conditions attached. Finally, as Bilbo said in The Fellowship of the Ring, I learned "it is no bad thing to celebrate a simple life".
Sean, I pictured you as the guy with the perfect marriage. Sorry to hear that you too have suffered hardships from your own personal experience. I also commend you for speaking highly about your ex as an excellent mother. That will only serve your child/ren well in the future. I hope it is a two way street, and your ex also feel that way about you as a parent.
Mind if I ask what your custody arrangements are??? Or if you are a support payor???
Mind if I ask what your custody arrangements are??? Or if you are a support payor???
Divorcemanagement
New member
Grace:
Will send you a private message.
Will send you a private message.
alreadydid3
New member
The question that came to my mind was.... Do your children believe in love? That one bothers me because my daughter's attitude is you can't trust anyone but yourself so don't even try.
princess_leia
New member
I come from a family of divorces. My mom and dad divorced when I was 8. Mom got remarried and divorced again and just when I thought no one else was going to get divorced my grandparents split up and eventually divorced. Both my parents are remarried again and have been for 15 years, but things were tough for a while. I think it's normal for kids of divorced parents to be very leary of marriage and love, but they can also learn from it too. I've been married for over 9 years now and still in love. Not to say it hasn't been tough at times, but we have learned that you have to work at a marriage to make it work. For us divorce is not an option.
I hope to love again
I hope to love again
hello to all
What have I learned from being married for almost 9 years and now being separated for the last 6 months is that I can make it on my own that I am still lonely but will not settle for second best. I do agree that you become a different person as your marriage goes on. I feel that I became stronger and more dedicated when my children came along. I had hopes that my husband would grow and change to with time but that didn't happen. He was a very me oriented person and still is. We have gone through alot of struggles, mishaps and just plain bad luck and through it all I felt I was the one to keep things going well when the time came I needed some extra support I didn't get it. I suffered from post partum depression with my second son He is also delayed so it was alot to deal with at once. It didn' matter how many times I asked for help he was so caught up in his own issues that mine and the children came in last. I sought help through counselling. It was a hard decision for me to make but I finally decided that I was better off on my own and so our the children. We are still ironing out all the detail but he blames me for everything. Do I hope to meet someone new? Yes I do but I now have this experience behind me and do know that I want someone who I can lean on as well. Will I ever marry again?I don't know because now I have my children to consider. Here is a question? If you could go back would you do the same thing or something totally different. The way I look at it if i hadn't met My husband then i wouldn't have my boys and right now they are the loves of my life and is what keeps me going. Thanks to the writer of this original post it feels good to get this out and I hope it might help someone else. Thanks
I hope to love again
hello to all
What have I learned from being married for almost 9 years and now being separated for the last 6 months is that I can make it on my own that I am still lonely but will not settle for second best. I do agree that you become a different person as your marriage goes on. I feel that I became stronger and more dedicated when my children came along. I had hopes that my husband would grow and change to with time but that didn't happen. He was a very me oriented person and still is. We have gone through alot of struggles, mishaps and just plain bad luck and through it all I felt I was the one to keep things going well when the time came I needed some extra support I didn't get it. I suffered from post partum depression with my second son He is also delayed so it was alot to deal with at once. It didn' matter how many times I asked for help he was so caught up in his own issues that mine and the children came in last. I sought help through counselling. It was a hard decision for me to make but I finally decided that I was better off on my own and so our the children. We are still ironing out all the detail but he blames me for everything. Do I hope to meet someone new? Yes I do but I now have this experience behind me and do know that I want someone who I can lean on as well. Will I ever marry again?I don't know because now I have my children to consider. Here is a question? If you could go back would you do the same thing or something totally different. The way I look at it if i hadn't met My husband then i wouldn't have my boys and right now they are the loves of my life and is what keeps me going. Thanks to the writer of this original post it feels good to get this out and I hope it might help someone else. Thanks
sunnybeachcal
New member
Yes, I believe in love. If it does not work this time, there's always another chance. It's his lost, not mine!
Paralegal_Speshell69
New member
Do you believe in Love?
Do you believe in Love?
I believe that the first time the majority of people who marry, do this because it is the next step in their relationship, dating, college, jobs, marriage, and than children, but is there really love? A lot of times eventually each partner feels that their needs are not being met yet they need to stay together for the sake of the kids... I believe that every one should marry young and get the first one out of the way so that they have many years to enjoy the second one... I truly believe that the second time around people truly marry for love, companionship, support, comfort, and that there is a special true bond between them... Maybe I live in a fantasy land but I really do believe that after all the hurt, and disapointments heal you will be able to all find love again...
Shell
Do you believe in Love?
I believe that the first time the majority of people who marry, do this because it is the next step in their relationship, dating, college, jobs, marriage, and than children, but is there really love? A lot of times eventually each partner feels that their needs are not being met yet they need to stay together for the sake of the kids... I believe that every one should marry young and get the first one out of the way so that they have many years to enjoy the second one... I truly believe that the second time around people truly marry for love, companionship, support, comfort, and that there is a special true bond between them... Maybe I live in a fantasy land but I really do believe that after all the hurt, and disapointments heal you will be able to all find love again...
Shell
Love vs Life
Love vs Life
Love is not the problem, life is....
Life is what changes; life is what takes people in different directions.
Love is that warm fuzzy feeling that you get when you first connect with someone.
Life is what happens after those warm fuzzy feelings are gone.
Love-Life and you will have found harmony.
Those are my thoughts on love anyway.
Duped
Love vs Life
Love is not the problem, life is....
Life is what changes; life is what takes people in different directions.
Love is that warm fuzzy feeling that you get when you first connect with someone.
Life is what happens after those warm fuzzy feelings are gone.
Love-Life and you will have found harmony.
Those are my thoughts on love anyway.
Duped
piggybanktoex
New member
Never Again
Never Again
My ex put me through a living hell for almost three years that nearly cost me my job, my income, my future, and my health.
Every possible issue, roadblock, lie, whining, accusation, and cost was thrown at me.
And apparently, all in the name of family law and equality.
I will never, ever, let myself be put into a position like this again, ever.
Never Again
My ex put me through a living hell for almost three years that nearly cost me my job, my income, my future, and my health.
Every possible issue, roadblock, lie, whining, accusation, and cost was thrown at me.
And apparently, all in the name of family law and equality.
I will never, ever, let myself be put into a position like this again, ever.
representingself
New member
That is sad....
Although you are in pain now... hopefully someday in the far, distant future, you will get past your anger and resentment and be able to open up and love again...
Just remember to learn from your mistakes, so that you will never be put through the wringer again...
PRENUP!!
Although you are in pain now... hopefully someday in the far, distant future, you will get past your anger and resentment and be able to open up and love again...
Just remember to learn from your mistakes, so that you will never be put through the wringer again...
PRENUP!!
About_Time
New member
Love yes, marriage no
piggybanktoex
New member
Sorry, let me clarify,
Love OK,
Stripped of my income, not again.
Love OK,
Stripped of my income, not again.
standing on the sidelines
New member
well i am on my second marriage and my hubby can tell you that i had deep trust issues to work on. With his help and love I learned that not every man was like my ex. My husband was wonderful and understanding when i was going through the turmoil of trying to learn to trust. He even said to me one time that he was paying for some others mans mistakes but he knew that i needed to work through things. He gave me the time i needed and it has been almost 12 years of happy marriage.
blinkandimgone
Moderator
Absolutely...don't believe in writing off all men because of a bad experience with one. There is a right partner out there for everyone and I certainly believe in having fun trying to find them!
What is Love......
What is Love......
I am also a child of divorce. My Dad was an alcoholic, mom was the "perfect wife". They divorced when I was 13, and luckily I had two sisters and a brother. We became the four muskateers !! The four of us stuck together and protected each other from our parents crap, but in the end we all were screwed up as to relationships and love, and life. I was married at 24, to my public school crush. It was bizarre to me and "romantic"...is that stupid. I hadn't seen him in ten years, we never dated in public school, he didn't know I existed. Funnily enough, I took a part-time job with someone else I'd known all through ps and met him again after all those years and I shook ;like a baby just seeing him. Long and short of it three months later I moved in with him (his mother & sister, his parents had separated the year before) and a two years later we were married. His Mom and I became best friends and she was an amazing person. I spent most of our relationship as his caretaker, he was a drinker and the goal was always to drink and get drunk. You'd think I'd have clued in to the "marrying Dad" syndrome but oh no I knew better!!!! He spent his time with his friends, at strip clubs with his friends and at parties with his friends...first year we were married he spent "same as above" while I called around looking for him...or spent the weekend waiting for him to come home so we could fight....nice eh!!!! I should have left then and his Mom thought I would, she was the only one who knew some of this behavoir...I hid it from everyone else so I wouldn't look like a fool. Then I got pregnant....it got worse....he is/was a good provider but usually he provides for himself and then me and the children.
He wasn't abusive as in physical but emotionally and I let him. I knew better and I let him all because I didn't want anyone to know that I had made such a HUGE mistake because I was the "smart one"...lololo
I've come to realize through the death of many family members, his parents and my older sister, especially...that life is very short and very long...the death of people close to you will make you exam yourself and those around you. The loss of my sister was devastating to me and after her death I really started evaluating my life. Then my (oldest)15 year (at the time) old started cutting herself, one night I ended up at the hospital with her...I over heard her say to the attending that she cut herself so my husband and I would quit fighting and we'd have something else to do...I went for a walk while I cried my eyes out realizing in that brief moment that I had done no one any good and had taught my daughter that pain was the only way to get me to see...I called my husband and told him what she had said, he thought I was over reacting as usual. He was asleep when we got home at 4am. I know he had to work....so did I....I was up all night thinking, went to work and got sent home....no one ever brought up that night again...we didn't talk about it, I tried but both him and my daughter blocked me out. That's when I started leaving.....
I loved my husband with all my heart, I thought he was my sole mate... and he loved me maybe..I don't know..I loved my daughters unconditionally...they hate me....the best love I knew was my siblings and that's changed.....so I don't know if I know what love is or should be...I don't love myself anymore...I failed...a lot of people....I don't feel worthy of love....I wonder sometimes what's the point of any of it. I wonder if I did anything "right" or if love is some elusive carrot the world dangles in front of us to keep us going......
Non-existent in the universe
What is Love......
I am also a child of divorce. My Dad was an alcoholic, mom was the "perfect wife". They divorced when I was 13, and luckily I had two sisters and a brother. We became the four muskateers !! The four of us stuck together and protected each other from our parents crap, but in the end we all were screwed up as to relationships and love, and life. I was married at 24, to my public school crush. It was bizarre to me and "romantic"...is that stupid. I hadn't seen him in ten years, we never dated in public school, he didn't know I existed. Funnily enough, I took a part-time job with someone else I'd known all through ps and met him again after all those years and I shook ;like a baby just seeing him. Long and short of it three months later I moved in with him (his mother & sister, his parents had separated the year before) and a two years later we were married. His Mom and I became best friends and she was an amazing person. I spent most of our relationship as his caretaker, he was a drinker and the goal was always to drink and get drunk. You'd think I'd have clued in to the "marrying Dad" syndrome but oh no I knew better!!!! He spent his time with his friends, at strip clubs with his friends and at parties with his friends...first year we were married he spent "same as above" while I called around looking for him...or spent the weekend waiting for him to come home so we could fight....nice eh!!!! I should have left then and his Mom thought I would, she was the only one who knew some of this behavoir...I hid it from everyone else so I wouldn't look like a fool. Then I got pregnant....it got worse....he is/was a good provider but usually he provides for himself and then me and the children.
He wasn't abusive as in physical but emotionally and I let him. I knew better and I let him all because I didn't want anyone to know that I had made such a HUGE mistake because I was the "smart one"...lololo
I've come to realize through the death of many family members, his parents and my older sister, especially...that life is very short and very long...the death of people close to you will make you exam yourself and those around you. The loss of my sister was devastating to me and after her death I really started evaluating my life. Then my (oldest)15 year (at the time) old started cutting herself, one night I ended up at the hospital with her...I over heard her say to the attending that she cut herself so my husband and I would quit fighting and we'd have something else to do...I went for a walk while I cried my eyes out realizing in that brief moment that I had done no one any good and had taught my daughter that pain was the only way to get me to see...I called my husband and told him what she had said, he thought I was over reacting as usual. He was asleep when we got home at 4am. I know he had to work....so did I....I was up all night thinking, went to work and got sent home....no one ever brought up that night again...we didn't talk about it, I tried but both him and my daughter blocked me out. That's when I started leaving.....
I loved my husband with all my heart, I thought he was my sole mate... and he loved me maybe..I don't know..I loved my daughters unconditionally...they hate me....the best love I knew was my siblings and that's changed.....so I don't know if I know what love is or should be...I don't love myself anymore...I failed...a lot of people....I don't feel worthy of love....I wonder sometimes what's the point of any of it. I wonder if I did anything "right" or if love is some elusive carrot the world dangles in front of us to keep us going......
Non-existent in the universe
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