Do you feel guilt or regret?

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hadenough said:
PH: so well said. Thanks for that. That was damn near poetic Lady :)
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I agree 100%... you hit the nail on the head...

It is amazing how well children adapt when presented with the correct environment... as much as we would love for our relationships to last forever, sometimes that is not the case.

From my own experience, I dated a guy for 6 years, certainly not as long as some people have been together, but from public school, right through high school and then some... things were honestly great between us... until I went to college...maybe it was the distance, maybe it was he grew jealous, whatever it was, we ended up splitting... our picture, perfect relationship ended...unfortunately he did quickly flip from that wonderful guy into a maniac that many are forced to tango with after a break down... however, when the relationship was done and over with and the fire had cooled, I had the best time in my life... it most likely wasn't what most thought a college student would do...

I got up every morning, attended school 8-6pm Monday-Friday, went home ate dinner, did home work and walked my dog, wash and repeat... but it allowed me to grow and learn about the real me... do I regret the 6 years I spent with him? Not at all, he taught me a lot about myself, and because of him I over came the hurdles I was faced with. To this day I appreciate what we had, but knew it was time to move on. Amazingly enough, after a year and a half of not speaking to each other, I ended up as his boss after college.... we are now closer friends then we were when we were together...

I hope someday that everyone can find some sort of peace with their decision to end a relationship. Whatever the reasons for the break down, one cannot dwell on the past... simply pick yourself and move forward...the past is in the past, it made us who we are today, no sense on trying to change what happened or think about the "what ifs"
 
I would like our children to make their own mistakes (as we have ours).

I do not want them repeating history because they think a terrible marriage is 'normal'.
 
No guilt, no regrets: because i am sure...because i am clear...because i have valid reasons for leaving. Beyond the sadness and the trepidation and the challenges of pulling this through as amicably as possible with my stbx, while continuing to demonstrate unfettered love for my kids, I continue to be amazed at my overwhelming sense of excitement over ``getting to that `zen``, which i sense, is within my reach...

A leap of faith...but worth the risk...
 
For a few years I felt afraid to leave. The "unknown" - the financial impact etc. It then shifted to the fear of STAYING being greater. Once that "shift" took place - there was no looking back. Had it not been for fear (of leaving) - I'd have been gone long ago. Definitely, it was worth taking that leap into the unknown; for me, and my child. There's no way I'd ever get stuck in a dysfunctional relationship again. Lesson learned :)
 
Maturity is a good thing. I too PH realize that I married the wrong person. I know that and kind of new that then, but in the naivety of my youth I though Love would conquer all.
 
Thank you hadenough and Berner.

Maymay...to this:
I do not want them repeating history because they think a terrible marriage is 'normal'.
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I'm not sure what "normal" is in marriage. Unfortunately normal seems to be two people who are not fully matured and without enough life perspective going into a cripplingly legally binding union having unreasonable expectations of the other person.

Then...add some kids.

Then try to get a divorce and you realize what you actually got yourself into.

Cynical, I know...

However, I truly do believe in love and commitment. I just don't think its something I had a chance at achieving success at in my 20's. I'm hoping my kids take a longgggg time to get married.
 
Thanks Billm, do believe in attitude being just about the most important thing. Here's a quote I read often and pass on as much as I can.

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes.”
Charles R. Swindoll quote
Not always easy to live up to, but so true :)
 
I feel both guilt and regret. I broke up with my ex because he didn't care about anything but himself. He was just a lump on the couch basically with his drinking buddies and smoking pot.
It was only after leaving him that I researched the effects of a broken home. The effects of children moving from home to home and never having a secure base. I feel guilty that I didn't try and stick it out longer to see if things would change.
I keep thinking, maybe the stress of a newborn would have subsided and we could have made it work.
I grew up living with both parents. I had and still have a great relationship with them and always felt comfortable and secure. I had a routine and it made me excel in sports etc. I didn't have to worry about switching routines all the time. I still don't know what effects a broken home really has on a child..but I am pretty sure it does take a toll one way or another.
Mind you, subjecting a child to an unhealthy relationship could be far worse.
 
Jane - as a child of a "broken home" I am of half a mind to call BS on most of those "studies"!!! I joke today that the second best thing my parents did was to divorce!! ((The first being having me of course! LOL!)) My sister and I were not shuffled off to one home or another. While my mom moved often, my dad is still in the same house he was 30 years ago.... Home is where the heart is, not the brick and mortar house you live in! Even when we moved with our mom, it still felt like home. Spending EOW with our dad, still felt secure and solid. I learned different things from each parent's home that I feel I would have missed out on had they stayed together for the sake of the children!!

In my own experience, and in talking with friends with divorced parents, I feel it is FAR more damaging to the children to stay in a relationship that is unhealthy for those involved. Kids aren't stupid! They may not see or hear the fighting or arguments, but they don't see the kindness and love either!! My dad and stepmom have been married over 25 years now, and are still in love. They hug and kiss and joke with one another - still! Sickening, I know! LOL! But as a kid growing up seeing this, I learned this is the model of a relationship that is healthy.

In my own marriage, I too knew it was a mistake from the start, and I also naively thought "Love" would conquer all.... It didn't.... 10 years married (13 years together) and we just grew to be different people. Who we became today were obviously not as compatible as the people we used to be. We had different dreams and goals, and very little common ground anymore. Lord knows we tried to make it work. But at the end of the day admitted defeat. I would not want my children growing up in a home that is not full of love and laughter between all who live there. I don't want them to think that to "just settle" is good enough. I wish for them to find a partner who treats them as just that - a partner, with love and respect.

My one year anniversary of my separation is just shy of three weeks away (Apr 29). Not once have I felt a moment of regret or an ounce of guilt over my decision to leave. My kids have two solid homes, with two parents who would go to the end of the world and back again for them. They see their mom and dad happy and living Life. And my daughters see their mom modelling the strength and confidence in myself that I wish for them to gain as well!!
 
cbarker78 said:
In my own experience, and in talking with friends with divorced parents, I feel it is FAR more damaging to the children to stay in a relationship that is unhealthy for those involved. Kids aren't stupid! They may not see or hear the fighting or arguments, but they don't see the kindness and love either!!
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Cbarker, you are right on this point... just a few weeks ago, I had the bf's kids at home, while he was working late, at the dinner table his S6 said to me...

"You know...at first I was sad when Daddy said he was moving out... but now I am really happy because Daddy is a lot happier then when he lived with mommy and us. Mommy is still not happy, but maybe someday she will find a new friend to be happy with." He then went on to say that if Daddy hadn't of moved out, they never would have known me.

That was very touching, and a clear example of when a marriage doesn't work, the kids do notice... there are no hostility between him and his ex, it was actually her that decided he could not come home (he was working out of town). But to hear those words come from a six year old, is clear to me that they notice and pick up on a lot of things.
 
Berner_Faith said:
"You know...at first I was sad when Daddy said he was moving out... but now I am really happy because Daddy is a lot happier then when he lived with mommy and us. Mommy is still not happy, but maybe someday she will find a new friend to be happy with." He then went on to say that if Daddy hadn't of moved out, they never would have known me.
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**sniff** Awwwww!! That's really sweet!! :)

My own step daughters expressed similar sentiments when they were little... having two homes (one with mom and the other with dad) just seemed to be the norm... nothing damaging or weird about it :)
 
Nope & Nope

Nope & Nope

walshch said:
Guilt? Not an ounce.
Regrets? Even less. Best thing that ever happened.
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I'm with walshch! ... BEST THING I EVER DID!

I'm proud that I finally found the courage to break up our "home" because it was HUGELY dysfunctional and I didn't want our 3 boys growing up thinking it was "normal".

The kids' & I have all moved on and have a far much better life then they would have had I "stayed for the sake of the kids" ...
 
Guilt...Nadda....All I have to do is read his "bitch book" about me and life is good again.

Regret..Yes...Regret I didn't do it sooner.

My boys are all closer to each other now. I see and hear from them often and they are delighted that "mom" is so happy.

Ahhhhhhhhh life is good
;-)
 
I can't say I regret the divorce itself, I do regret how I delt with it. I had my head buried in the sand or maybe I wasn't paying attention.

If I had to do it all over again things would have ended up much differently.
 
I waited many years for the kids to be grown, it was bad for me but I put the kids first. (OK, and fear held me back too - ex threatened war!). The only problem doing that is you sell your soul. Once I left, my older independent kid caught me singing and told me that was the first time ever, and that I should have left years ago... I am OK with my choice to stay and "sacrifice me" which offered the kids stability, since we don't have any other family here. I didn't have the maturity I have now, nor the inner/outside resources to fight "emotional abuse". By staying, I also had a chance to protect the kids from the ex's moods. Is there guilt? Only where I am concerned. I can't imagine the effect the divorce would have had on the kids if they had been younger, it's been a war but I can explain it to them when they ask questions. They were able to leave potentially explosive situations and come to me. So little regret, little guilt. It's all better on this side, once the emotional roller coaster gets shallower. It takes a long while to cut the spousal umbilical cord, then it's all good. Only look forward, a day at a time! Therapy or lots of reading on the subject will help get over those feelings (we all get them at the start, no one likes to make waves).
 
Well said Torontonian. Roller coaster ride. Yup, thats what it feels like. So good one day and so bad the next. But I do know that if I am having a bad day, just wait cause tomorrow will be different. Lots of reading is good, as you said and journaling has helped also. I am just glad that I know I made the right decision. It's already better on most days, feel more myself and relaxed; at least most of the time lol. In the end it will all be better.
 
Hi May_May

One day while I cleaning out the end tables in the rec room I came across a notebook. I opened it up to see what was in it and believe it or not he had every argument we have ever had in it. The reason I call it a "bitch book" was because that was all he did in it. If I went out for supper with my friends he wrote in it, when I joined water arobics with my sister he wrote about it, if I was having a bad day at work and came home to the usual of nothing at home all day and I got upset he said I was crazy and unstable. He said I was bi-polar, on drugs yada yada yada. He wrote things like I bought books for gardening and had to spend money. He wrote that all I cared about were the kids and that he was sick and I didn't care. He wrote that I would no longer give him his injections. I came home late one night and he had to inject himself so from then on I told him that he was now able to do it himself and that was a good thing.

My 34 year old son told me tonight that his father told him it's only been 9 months and already I applied for a divorce. He refers to me in the third party when he talks about me to our son "her" not mother. Brad told him he should be glad because I'm the one that had to pay for the divorce and not him. Our son said his father whines about everything because he refuses to make a life for himself. He also told our son "that he feels he has to fight for him" OMG grow up. Brad is not a child he's a 34 year old man with 3 children...HELLO!!!! I told Brad I was sorry he has to listen to him bad mouth me but he is still his father. His response was "I know mom and I love him" but I just wish he would get over everything and try to be happy.
 
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