Do you feel guilt or regret?

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Pink

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For those of you who were the ones to ask for the divorce, do you have any feelings of guilt or regret..especially if there are children involved?

With all of the nonsense going through this divorce and the stress it has caused for the kids I sometimes feel guilty that I didn't just wait until they were grown to ask him to leave.
Maybe I should have just waited another 10yrs, put my own needs and feelings on hold and let them grow up, after all I am the one who chose him as their father.

I have asked other people this question before but most haven't been in this position and they typically say if you aren't happy the kids aren't happy or its not healthy for them to be in a 2 parent home if the parents don't get along.
I get that but we never fought and got along for the most part, so it's not like they saw us yelling and screaming at each other. Are they really any better off now that their dad is with a new woman who doesn't know how to behave like an adult?

I don't miss or want the x back. I just struggle with the guilt.
 
There are lots of things in life to feel guilty about - trust in your decision - and work to make yourself happy - and wish the best for him .......... THAT is what the kids deserve. If there are comments about his new partner ..... the kids will pick up and that and THAT is not healthy. No matter what - he deserves to be happy too -- everyone does!
 
Good question. I know plenty of people where some of them feel guilt or regret while others are perfectly happy they gout out of that relationship.

It all depends why you got divorced. You can't regret or feel guilty if you or the kids were abused in any way. But if you left him for another man or if he has issues he needed help with and so on, then yea, you can feel both.
 
Pink said:
For those of you who were the ones to ask for the divorce, do you have any feelings of guilt or regret..especially if there are children involved?

With all of the nonsense going through this divorce and the stress it has caused for the kids I sometimes feel guilty that I didn't just wait until they were grown to ask him to leave.
Maybe I should have just waited another 10yrs, put my own needs and feelings on hold and let them grow up, after all I am the one who chose him as their father.

I have asked other people this question before but most haven't been in this position and they typically say if you aren't happy the kids aren't happy or its not healthy for them to be in a 2 parent home if the parents don't get along.
I get that but we never fought and got along for the most part, so it's not like they saw us yelling and screaming at each other. Are they really any better off now that their dad is with a new woman who doesn't know how to behave like an adult?

I don't miss or want the x back. I just struggle with the guilt.
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They would still have seen or sensed that there was nothing beneath the surface calm, no mutual respect, no caring, no reality to the shallow shell approximating a happy marriage. They would have grown up never knowing what a good marriage looked like, and how to behave in one themselves.

That's one of the very main reasons my ex had to go, even though in non-couple (aka child related) matters we still get along quite well. But I didn't want my children to grow up thinking it was okay for a marriage to lack respect and intimacy, and to think lying to the people you love was acceptable.

Sometimes raising children isn't about your direct influence, but the role-modelling you are doing, the example you are setting.
 
Pink, maybe the simple answer is what would want your child to do if they were in the same situation when they grew up?
 
Rioe said:
They would still have seen or sensed that there was nothing beneath the surface calm, no mutual respect, no caring, no reality to the shallow shell approximating a happy marriage. They would have grown up never knowing what a good marriage looked like, and how to behave in one themselves.
...
intimacy, and to think lying to the people you love was acceptable.

Sometimes raising children isn't about your direct influence, but the role-modelling you are doing, the example you are setting.
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I agree whole heartedly with this.

I made this mistake, this relationship should have ended a long time ago (17 years). They do pick up on it, and now the one remaining child at home will see that it doesn't have to be this way, the lying to your self, the putting up with the shallowness, etc...



Regret for not doing this years ago.



Someone recently told me this:


You and two young children are in a boat, and it tips who do you save?

Yourself, then you save the kids, by reaching out, if you don't save yourself how can you save the kids and show them how to reach out.
 
Rioe said:
Sometimes raising children isn't about your direct influence, but the role-modelling you are doing, the example you are setting.
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Yes, but what is the example we are setting, exactly?
50% of marriages end in divorce. Or so they say.
Whoever 'they' are.

I'm not sure I want to be a role model to this example.

I struggle with this every day.
 
billm said:
Pink, maybe the simple answer is what would want your child to do if they were in the same situation when they grew up?
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The problem with that bill is I would have a very hard time telling them to leave and make themselves happy (unless of course they were being beaten) just because I know what they are going to go through in a divorce and you just never know what the grandchildren would be exposed to in future mates as well.
Perhaps I feel that way because my Mom was not happy with my father, but stayed anyway for our benefit. Often times I would say you should have just left, we all would have been better off, but now I'm not so sure of that.

All kinds of "what if's"
that's life I suppose.
 
Life is full of a lot of 'ifs' unfortunatly. But you only get one shot at a decision usually, and a limited amount of time to ponder the options and ramifications. I've tried to learn to live life without playing the 'what if' game after the fact. You make decisions the best you can, with the information and skills you have at the time and you go from there. Beating yourself up over the decisions you make will drive you buggy and it isn't healthy.

Do I regret leaving my ex? Occasionally, but its few and far between. I had this discussion with friends and family if it is better to stay in a relationship and raise my son in a miserable household, or to have the possibility of two happy households and happy parents raising a child. I'm here, so you know what my choice was. Am I happy? Not yet, but I'm a *lot* less miserable than I was a year ago. I miss seeing my son all the time, but work has me away from home a lot, so I make every minute I have with him count.

Do I feel guilty about getting a divorce? Not in the least. My relationship with my ex was built on lies, manipulation and deceit. She doesn't see anything wrong with that, in fact she was *proud* of having done it. If she even showed an ounce of remorse or regret, there might possibly be a small chance I might feel a little guilty. Maybe.
 
Ok Pink, so I'm new. I have looked at this site before, but your post about regret prompted me to join. I do feel some guilt and regret, but am working to resolve these issues so I can move forward. I did the oposite of you. My ex and I never fought, or very rarely. It seemed like we lived in a marriage of indifference. I waited till my kids were grown. I had, or thought I had come to terms with "this is my life and just deal with it". Havent been happy for years. Burried those feelings so I could pretend to myself that it was good. Somehow I found the strength this fall to utter those words; "I'm leaving". Most difficult thing I ever did.
I am so much more at ease now. As far as if it is better to leave sonner rather than later; to each his own. I waited and it is what it is. My kids are 21, 19 and 16. The two oldest are away at school. It's the oldest who is a girl who is having the most difficulty, however she is also the one who knows I have been unhappy for years. The other two are boys and are taking it very matter of fact.
Do I regret waiting. No, cause obviously I did it when I was ready to do it. Do I feel guilt, remorse; yes. I do feel I have betrayed the family unit for my own happiness. However, having said that I know I was at the end of my rope and could no longer deal with the continuous burying my feelings. So it is better for me and in the end it will be better for everyone, if they choose it to be.
Hows that for a first post. lol This is a difficult process, but I do believe that in the end it will be for the best. Attitude is everything.
And I know I intend on making the best of this, cause if it isn't, imagine putting my family through this and then not being happier!
 
No guilt. Some regret - but only that I didn't leave a lot sooner. The only guilt I feel is that I chose who I did to be my son's father. It's an incredibly huge sacrifice to make - to stay - "for the sake of the kids."
 
mglee said:
Ok Pink, so I'm new. I have looked at this site before, but your post about regret prompted me to join. I do feel some guilt and regret, but am working to resolve these issues so I can move forward. I did the oposite of you. My ex and I never fought, or very rarely. It seemed like we lived in a marriage of indifference. I waited till my kids were grown. I had, or thought I had come to terms with "this is my life and just deal with it". Havent been happy for years. Burried those feelings so I could pretend to myself that it was good. Somehow I found the strength this fall to utter those words; "I'm leaving". Most difficult thing I ever did.
I am so much more at ease now. As far as if it is better to leave sonner rather than later; to each his own. I waited and it is what it is. My kids are 21, 19 and 16. The two oldest are away at school. It's the oldest who is a girl who is having the most difficulty, however she is also the one who knows I have been unhappy for years. The other two are boys and are taking it very matter of fact.
Do I regret waiting. No, cause obviously I did it when I was ready to do it. Do I feel guilt, remorse; yes. I do feel I have betrayed the family unit for my own happiness. However, having said that I know I was at the end of my rope and could no longer deal with the continuous burying my feelings. So it is better for me and in the end it will be better for everyone, if they choose it to be.
Hows that for a first post. lol This is a difficult process, but I do believe that in the end it will be for the best. Attitude is everything.
And I know I intend on making the best of this, cause if it isn't, imagine putting my family through this and then not being happier!
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One thing I like about your post is the simple fact that you did not blame your unhappiness and choices on your ex. Great attitude.
 
I think a lot of divorcing people deal with feelings of failure and/or guilt because they didn't provide the picture perfect home environment for their children to grow up in.

The funny thing is that if I look back on my own life, the things that made me into the person that I truly am are the hardships that I've overcome through my life. In fact, some of the best and happiest people I've ever met in my life had extremely difficult childhoods. Children who never have to deal with anything...never learn coping mechanisms..or learn to overcome difficulties and challenges.

There is a wealth of benefit that can come out of a divorce for children. I've noticed that the time that my children spend with each parents may be overall reduced, however, its more focused, one-on-one time.

I'm so thankful for my divorce...for myself...for my children. It has its difficult moments but is also an empowering life decision for me. I'm soooo glad I did it. My only regret is that I wasn't mature enough when I married to realize that my ex was simply the wrong person for me and vice versa.
 
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