Do i address, or not address EX's random cancellations?

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Unless it changes a situation from full CS to offset CS, access and CS are not linked. Just because he doesn't exercise his already minimal access won't affect CS amounts.

Disappointing as it is, I think you'd be better off considering yourself a single mom to a child with only one parent (don't frame it that way to your son of course!), and make your plans accordingly. Obviously don't plan to be out of town on so-called dad weekends or put down deposits you might not get back, but otherwise... Any time his dad does see him would then feel like a bonus, as opposed to times he doesn't see him being a downer.

You are not ever ever ever going to be able to change his father, and from observations here, I think you spend far too much of your emotional energy wishing otherwise. It sucks for your son, but it is what it is and your acceptance is critical to your own well-being. Let FRO work towards the collecting of CS, and rely on your "entertainment" time being during non-dad-time sleepover arrangements.
 
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hadenough said:
Quote by totd "You can't force him to take his child & making a fuss about it only makes the child feel he's unwanted or a burden in both homes. I've never made an issue out of it & always considered it as 'bonus time' for me with the children. Yes it's inconvenient if you already have plans, at 13 he can be on his own in the house for a few hours if you have dinner plans, etc. If you are comfortable with his friends' mothers you can always ask to impose on them if you can't cancel offering to reciprocate by taking their son overnight the next weekend."

Thank-you. I agree and for the record, I do not try to force or impose the access. My son now jumps at the chance to give 'weekends at dad's' a swerve. As for sleepovers- my God it's been one massive sleepover since school let out. Often over here - other times over @the friend's houses.

True. At 13, he can be left home alone. Problem with that is - sometimes my "entertainment" plans don't necessarily involve my "going out" if you follow.

What if: (and no, this was not the case 'this' weekend) I'd had plans to fly to ie: another province, or to the States for the wkend? What then?

I know there are some decent dads out there. I know some personally. But my son's father is a total useless waste of (insert any of several words here).
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My x isn't up for any Dad of the year awards either. Do you have any family support? I'm (and my siblings) incredibly lucky we live near our parents who are always willing to pitch in when plans get derailed. I actually make plans with my parents first and have them on backup if my husband and I take a mini vacation. If x cancels they are already available to help out or if he unexpectedly needs to bring them home early someone is there to take the kids.

I do understand that sometimes you need to put the mom hat to the side and just be an adult with adult moments .. and they do get a bit tricky to plan when your schedule can change at a moments notice. Hmmm other than the friends or family helping out I don't know how else you can work around that.
 
No, no family close by. None.

Thx Rioe, good points and trust that I am well beyond having any hope ("wishing") of him becoming a decent person/parent.

He does irritate the hell out of me, I will admit to that. But to be honest, I laughed my ass off at his recent response to my email. (We rarely exchange emails, btw).

If I wasn't so financially strapped, things would be a lot easier. That's definitely having a negative impact on my overall 'outlook.'

I am not remarried and do not have a steady relationship. So I truly am, on my own. While court was going on, I did not feel I could manage a relationship and partly b/c I wanted to spare anyone else, from the bs I was going through. It should be noted that I wasn't much of a man-magnet at the time either :s
 
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Lol Rioe: often the "non-dad sleepover times" are sprung on me at ie: 4 or 5 in the afternoon. Just picture me calling 'guy a' (b or c) lol and saying "so, can you come on down, you're the next contestant" lol, I'm j/k around but there is some awkwardness in trying to drum up last minute plans. Those nights, I usually end up watching t.v by myself. Hard not to feel that (personal) life is passing me by, sometimes.

I'm not altogether unpopular where the opposite sex is concerned, but I don't have anyone on "standby" to my knowledge ;)
 
Well... It's happened again. Just 2 weeks ago ex cancelled his wknd access claiming to the child that he's "really broke." This week - he's attending a "family wedding, out of town" so must cancel. Funny eh? The time before this he claimed "broke" - now - it's a Family Wedding. Hmmm. Guess our son not considered part of his 'new family?' - or it's a total fabrication.

Whatever. I'm starting to see that since FRO's involvement, this is happening more and more. My guess is, that soon there will be no more "weekends at Dads." How pathetic.

In a week or so, he will get the next step of FRO's enforcement. Notice of intent to suspend his license. Let's see how he handles that one. Quite possibly, he'll ignore it (like he does everything else) and then tell everyone (including child) that I'm the "cause" for it all. I can just see the text msg now "Sorry bud, I won't be able to see you b/c your mom told FRO to take my license, so I can't drive."

If it wasn't so pathetic, it would almost be entertaining. I don't think he realizes that child (almost 14) sees right through him and thinks he's a total knob.

Sad.. That someone (an adult, w/two other young kids) can be so foolish, and thoughtless. I have no plan to address any of this directly w/ex. He's making his bed now, he can "lie" in it. No pun intended.

So glad that my son has a healthy, positive outlook on life and appears to be very resilient and not easily fooled. I feel some guilt (on his behalf) that I kept him in our lives for as long as I did. He's no dad. Not to this child, or the two others who will also grow up to realize that they lost out in the "Dad Lottery."

Luckily, son is at an age where he's very busy with friends and being outdoors etc. He is not bothered (anymore) when Dad cancels. I'm so glad he's not younger (ie: 5-10 yrs old) where it would be really hard to see him feeling (most likely) very rejected. Anyway, just thought I'd update my own thread. Might need to document a few things carefully at a later date and at least here, there's a "back-up" ;)
 
Still on the 'cancellation run.' It's been 2.5 months now. Son, (almost 14) does flat out, not want to go. Dad doesn't seem to mind. I think it's time I accepted that the EOW access is coming to an end. I had anticipated it, yes.. Just not this soon.

S13 is quite happy with the start of Grade 9. Has many old friends and is making new ones fast. Our access order is pretty much defunct.

Wondering how much difficulty would I encounter to get ie: travel consent removed? Ex and I don't talk. He's remarried and has 2 very young children.

It's glaringly obvious that he has no real interest in his son. I accept that, as I cannot change it. I am (as someone above posted) a single parent. I don't feel that there is another parent and it's become clear that S13 agrees.
 
Ok, so here's the upshot. Inevitably, those "random cancellations" turned into a month, then two, and so on. It's now been 4.5 months. The ex has cut off S14's phone (that he previously paid for over the last 2 years) and there has been no contact, but for one outing (shopping) about a month ago.

Since that time, ex and I had a court date that had been scheduled months ahead of time (not Family Court). It was on that very day that he terminated S14's cell ph service even though it's on a contract and he will still need to pay approx $25/month to have the service inactive/unavailable.

In addition, colorful text msgs were then sent to my cell, addressing both me ans S14, essentially telling S14 to "f-off and stop trying to ruin my life." Very bizarre and all in Capital letters. The two have not spoken and obviously S14 has nothing to do with mine and his father's legal battles.

So there goes Christmas at Dad's. I can't say I didn't see it coming. I really want our access order to reflect the reality that is our situation. Does it matter? And the clause stating I need ex's "permission" for travel w/my son - I'd like to get that struck. He couldn't care less if we travelled to the moon and didn't return. Is there any way to get this clause removed? My ex and I do not ever communicate (very very occasional text msgs). We never speak and it's been that way for years. He can't be reasoned with, he's vile and explosive.

He has now officially (via recent txts) turned that vitriole towards his son. It's like having a rabid dog barking at you... Would I get hassled travelling with my son? Not that I'm heading anywhere soon... I'm too financially strapped from going to Court with a psychopath over the last few years.
 
Unless you get the order changed you will still need to get his permission to travel if that is what your court order states. If you want to change that you will have to do it through a motion to vary which can be difficult because the onus will be on you to provide reason why it should be struck. But given the lack of involvement/contact you could actually have a case for varying the clause to state, "parent should be notified" instead of "permission."

A judge will be hesitant to remove the clause altogether because it is a reasonable expectation (whether born out in reality or not), that both parents would naturally want to have some general idea of where their child is in any given time, especially in relation to travel outside of the country.

If all you have to do is send him a letter/email to notify him of travel plans that will be a lot easier then trying to get permission.

It sounds like your ex is falling apart under the stress of the recent loss in court. He should have prepared himself psychologically and emotionally with that possibility. Instead of dealing with it like an mature adult he has a case of verbal diarriah and appears to be shitting all over the place including sending capitalized messages. (My ex does this when he gets stressed). It is very sad that he has decided to channel some of that anger towards his/your son.
 
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Sometimes things happen for a good reason. Sad your ex treats his son poorly but look on the up side - your son won't be spending any time soon with this loser. To blame a child for something that happened in court (that had nothing to do with the child) is inexcusable. Very immature. Count your blessings that this poor excuse of a man isn't in your son's life setting a poor example for his son.
 
Thx for above responses. Yes I believe I have enough materials to vary the order to state that I will simply advise him via email. I even have proof that this was (once) raised in a letter from my lawyer to his, but of course it was ignored by the OP.

In this situation, as bad as it might sound, S14 clearly is better off not being exposed to such a caustic, twisted and bitter individual. This has been building up for awhile now. I knew it was simply a matter of time. I feel pity for all his children (3 in total) for losing the Dad lottery. But some important lessons have been learned too. Valuable, life lessons - although learned the hard way, has built up a strength and confidence in S14 that I am very proud of.

He has galvanized throughout all of this. He posesses a terrific sense of humor, good analytical thinkiing, and a healthy positive outlook. I'm not oblivious to the idea that he is disappointed, of course he is. But he's using his smarts to channel his energy into being assertive and thoughtful. I know a lot of kids feel responsible for things that they clearly are not responsible for. I find that heartbreaking. That really does not appear to be the case with S14.

I have lived with my own disappointment of having a dad that I'd rather not have known at all. Regardless of that; it is my reality and I accepted long ago that some kids don't have 2 loving parents present in their life. Thank God in many instances, they have one. One, that raises them to be a good person and teaches them to hold their head high. Confidence and belief in one's self is the most important thing. He knows that "class" is not about wealth or education. It's about attitude and outlook. He knows that people make choices and that there are consequences for those choices (good or bad). I've told him not to be angry. Anger is heavy and non productive (I would know) - his happiness and success is the main thing.
 
Just updating my thread. 7 months.. "Dad" has not seen child. Dad lives about 1/2 hour away (possibly less) but he does not take son for eow anymore. They don't talk on the phone or text msg. Neither of them initiate communication.

Our order has all these stipulations re: March Break (coming up), Xmas break etc. None of it is being exercised in terms of access.

I still think the access order should be varied to reflect the reality of the situation.

Ex is paying CS monthly (b/c he's forced to). The current arrears are in the 10's of thousands.

Son appears to have no problem with the arrangement that he does not see his father. I wonder sometimes if it will always be this way.

But for the CS pymts, it's almost as though he ceases to exist (like he died)

I honestly will never comprehend how someone can abandon their child. To not even have one shred of decency or conscience to extend a "hey, how are you - what have you been up to?"

It's disgraceful. It's also the reason why there is zero communication between me and the ex. Going on 6 years of near silence. I've only seen him when we've had Court. I do enjoy the silence. I just wish that he was decent/normal when it comes to our son. But he's not, and he's never going to be.
 
He's a loser. Doesn't say much for his significant other either, but then when one is insecure in their relationship they generally encourage this type of behavior. Yeah putting the child first certainly isn't on your ex's agenda. Beyond sad.
 
That is very sad.

However, your son is obviously not lacking in support. It is far better to have one functional parent then two non-functional ones. There are so many children out there who do not even have one parent, or are being raised by grandparents or foster parents.

When I was very young (20 years ago) I had the opportunity to travel for long periods of time by myself on research trips, I often found that I was able to build up a community/family wherever I went. There was always someone who assumed the role of parents, grandparents and an elder brother/sister. Complete strangers who assumed these roles because they felt they should look out for me. I never felt alone, despite being half way across the world from my "real" family.

You will also find that as your son gets older he will be able to create his "own" community around him wherever he goes which will compliment your role in his life. There is also evidence to suggest that children that are without siblings are more likely to have an excellent set of social skills and are very good at making friends because they have always had to.
 
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Nadia those are excellent points you raise. Thank-you.

Arabian: agreed, he is a total loser. I will be filing a motion to vary soon. His income for one, needs to be imputed higher. New info has come to light.

It is difficult in some respects, being the "only" parent - but there are other aspects of it that I must admit really simplifies things. Imagine, if you will that the other parent ceases to "exist" --- that's what it's like. I know a few people who would be quite happy if their ex "didn't exist." ;)
 
What's not a 'nice thing' to say? I'm only being honest.

Yes, I rec'd your PM - and if you meant what you said, I'd think it was a lot more sincere if you posted it where everyone can see it.

Contrition is always a good thing. I have come to know a few of the nicest ppl from this forum. It/they have been such a tremendous help. I found this site later on (during my "court-daze") but what an eye-opener it has been.
 
Lol, PS: I didn't say "dead" - I meant "awol, mia, disappeared" is all. Even our Judge commented that ex and I "hated eachother." It's no big secret.

I will add that after the fact, seeing that noted in our decision (the hate eachother part) it's a little embarassing. What's done is done. We can only strive to be better people, to learn more, to overcome challenges to the best of our abilities. I admit, it is a shame when parents hate one another. It truly is. Unfortunately, it's a reality in some cases.
 
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hadenough said:
What's not a 'nice thing' to say? I'm only being honest.

Yes, I rec'd your PM - and if you meant what you said, I'd think it was a lot more sincere if you posted it where everyone can see it.

Contrition is always a good thing. I have come to know a few of the nicest ppl from this forum. It/they have been such a tremendous help. I found this site later on (during my "court-daze") but what an eye-opener it has been.
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Not a problem, no ego here

Hadenough, arabia and pursuinghappiness

subj: Peace

Hello there,

First off..I'll just like to apologize for some of the things that have been said between us. I know you are only trying to helpful with your comments, and I'll like to assure you that they are appreciated

cheers
 
Thank you, oink.

Please keep an open-mind and acknowledge that both men and women are going through a difficult time with Family Law disputes. We get thrown into the "machine" and it's a high stakes game of wits and fortitude. Very intimidating for most people.

I have had to deal with a mammoth ordeal and it's not over yet. I don't go into the details on here. I'd lose far too much privacy if I did. I am living proof that some women get screwed over, large.

While some (men) might rejoice in that declaration, I can assure you that injustice is injustice, and there are some things that no one should have to be put through: not man or woman, and certainly not child/ren.
 
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Thanks for that Oink. I'm sure you are going through a very tough time right now. For the most part I enjoy some bantering on this forum. I am certainly not without fault, having referred to someone last summer as a "breeder."

I have had a very rough go in my family court over the past 3 yrs. I have also had to deal with corporate issues which are all extremely time-consuming. I also work. I am 56 yrs old and fortunately in reasonably good health.

I realize that I frequently rub people the wrong way. I represent the "ex wife who receives indefinite spousal support." My ex made many errors along the way which I have been only too happy to share so that others do not make the same mistakes. I take the "devils advocate" position often and hope that my critique of someone's situation helps them to realize and alter the deficiency(s) in the argument they hope to succeed with in family court. With that said, it is important to realize that my eligibility for spousal support has been reviewed by 6 separate judges (each time my ex has taken me to court to have SS thrown out). With that in mind I feel that I can share first-hand personal experience in this area. I am far from being any sort of expert but from the sounds of things I have been in court more than many of the lawyers that have been retained by some posters.

All the SS in the world will never bring back my marriage or my flawed perception that I would spend my retirement and old age in comfort. Only I can make that happen.
 
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