Denied Access, need help!

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nerkkooanse

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Hello all,

My ex-girlfriend and I were together for about 2.5 years, our son was born 8 months ago. I moved into her Dad's house the moment we found out she was pregnant, at that time I was the only one bringing in income to support her throughout the pregnancy and took her to all appointments.

One month before the birth of our son, we moved into my parents house. We had happily lived here and raised our son here till last week when she decided to up and leave. She was on welfare since his birth and I was bringing in extra income with freelancing design jobs until I got a full time job 3 months ago. Also my parents supported us a lot, majority of the time we were there- they supplied all diapers, wipes, formula etc.

Anyway, she went to her mothers last week for "space", I was even courteous enough to drop her off. The next day I dropped off a few of the baby things she needed, and brought her some extra formula- I briefly got to see my son outside for 10 minutes or so. A few days later she had decided the relationship was over, I drove over to her house and knocked on her door to speak to her- after being denied that, I asked to at least see my son- I was also denied that. I left.

Yesterday it had been one week since I'd seen him, she had told me I can bring all her stuff over and see him with the supervision of her mother- I agreed to that. Once I got there, only her mother was there and told me their lawyer suggested not letting my son or her have any contact with me till the court date. She said they already filed for custody because they feared I was planning to take him away from them or flee the country with him. She also mentioned there's no way they would ever allow me to have 50/50 custody of him and would fight all the way even if it got dirty. I kept my cool, and left once again.

Worst thing is, my brothers getting married next month and family that I only see every 5-6 years is coming over. They were all excited to see the little bundle of joy and I really wanted to introduce him to them- but seems that wont happen now.

Alright now that I'm done with the huge back story, as you can see, I'm being denied access to my son. I have briefly spoke to a lawyer for advice but I was just wondering... what kind of custody agreements are usually decided in situations like this? I mean the child has lived in my house up until now, can she really keep him away from me like this?

I want to fight for 50/50 custody, with weeks alternating. I believe its the only fair way to share bonding time with our son. I don't want to loose out on his life. What are the chances of this actually happening?

Also at the time of birth I was not put on the birth certificate and the child has her last name, will this affect my case in anyway?

Anyway, any advice or insight would greatly be appreciated.
Thanks
 
Whatever you decide you want, DO IT NOW!. You have a right to see and be an equal part of your son's life. But there is something called "status quo". The longer you leave things the way they are, the more likely a court will be hesitant to change it. Fight for 50/50 now and there's a good chance of this happening unless there is some compelling reason that it is not in the child's best interests. Why did she end the relationship? Do you have any problems that a court may think affects your ability to parent the child? Now is the time to honest with yourself. If there is any behaviour on your part that can be perceived as damaging, now is the time to fix it. Choose your lawyer carefully. At the very least, you will get to be in your child's life; in what capacity, I can't tell you that. My advice is just move quickly. By moving quickly, you will be demonstrating that you have a strong desire to see your child and will also prevent this status quo from forming. Good luck!
 
Thanks for your reply.
I will get the ball moving ASAP, just trying to find the best lawyer to suit my needs.

She ended the relationship on the basis that I was 'controlling' and the relationship was one-sided when it came to decisions. But she is categorizing that as 'mental abuse' -saying I manipulate her to get my way all the time.

Which frankly is bogus, shes using very minor cases/examples to prove her point- others don't even agree, including HER family members, with what shes classifying it as and see it definitely being over-exaggerated.

Personally, I don't think that should account towards my ability to raise my son. Not to mention his environment here was great. He had the love of my parents, grandparents, brother and sister-in-law in a house that is more than big enough to accommodate all of us. Throughout the day, even whilst I was at work the last few months, it was my parents/grandparents that would watch him for at least a 3-4 hours.

Oh, and due to the nature of my work, my boss has already given me the green light to work from home every other week if needed.
 
Instead of thinking of this as a battle between you and your ex, try to frame everything mentally in terms of your son.

Your ex moved away from your home, which is perfectly her choice, but she is not legally entitled to take the child away from his home. There are emergency legal channels you can take to have him returned. Especially if you have a plan of care for him when you have to work. But as mentioned, take those steps now. The longer you wait, the more likely it will be considered that you approved of the move and are content to have the ex do the majority of the parenting. Not fighting this now sets you up very badly for everything else to come. It's called status quo, and what it means is that a court will prefer to keep continuity and stability for the child, so if enough time elapses, they won't want to put the baby through a second dramatic upheaval in environment and caregiver. This has to get taken care of ASAP.

It is in the child's best interests to be raised equally by both parents, together or not. If you and your parents had a lot of contact with your child before the split, this should continue afterwards. This is your main argument to get 50-50 custody. Her main argument, although it won't be expressed that way of course, is that she doesn't like you anymore, wants to have nothing to do with you, and is willing to use the child to hurt you.

You also have the argument that a unique special occasion is coming up, and it's in the child's best interests to have the rare opportunity to meet his extended family. So you're operating against a deadline.

Good luck!
 
Thanks for your reply also.

I understand the status quo situation, but when turning to legal proceedings- don't these issues take time to get a date and come to a conclusion? This would be countering against me.

During this time frame, it would be out of my hands.
 
As a father with shared custody of a young child (22 months, had shared since 12 months), I would suggest 2-2-3, or some variant.
Insist upon shared custody NOW, and accept nothing less.
Get moving on this shit asap.
 
nerkkooanse said:
Thanks for your reply also.

I understand the status quo situation, but when turning to legal proceedings- don't these issues take time to get a date and come to a conclusion? This would be countering against me.

During this time frame, it would be out of my hands.
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Normal legal proceedings do move at a snail's pace, yes. But what you want is emergency legal proceedings, which act quickly to correct actions exactly like your ex's. Get advice at the courthouse or find a lawyer able to act immediately to get your child returned to his home. (key wording approach - it's the child's own home he's being returned to, not yours.) Remember what I said about courts wanting stability and continuity for the child. Right now, that's to live at your home with your parents. However, you also want to be clear that you are not intending to block the child from seeing his mother, so also have a plan in mind for much contact between them. It's just that the child should reside half the time in the familiar home.

And also, don't be frightened by or accept what they are telling you and what they say their lawyer is advising. They are trying to scare you so you just roll over instead of fighting.

Lastly, you would be well-advised to wear an active digital recorder during all your interactions with her. It might be handy to keep track of their tactics when you are using mental energy on keeping your cool instead of fully listening. And while it won't be of use in family court, it could be a lifesaver in criminal court if the ex ever falsely accuses you of domestic violence during an interaction. This is a not uncommon tactic with exes who fight dirty. Which it already seems your ex is.
 
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Do not settle for anything less than 50/50. Do not settle for any wording or terminology that does not state you as an equal parent (ie there should be no 'primary' caregiver etc).

Your relationship with the mother is not relevant. Your son deserves you as much as his mother - it sounds like you have good parents too. You deserve your son as much as his mother.

Also, if he is less than 40% of the time with you (usually counted by nights sleeping with you), you have to pay full child support, which is of course not fair. If 50/50 you pay the difference between her full cs and yours. Do not accept paying full support in exchange for equal access. You pay support based on access. Access should be determined in the best interest of the child, which is to have you equally.

Also, with 50/50 she won't have an excuse to continue not working and she can go get a job and support herself and her child.

Be clear, be straight forward, be business like.

You may have to file for an emergency motion for access. Access should be unsupervised. She is staying you might flee (and deny her access), but she is the one doing that.
 
Thanks everyone for the advice.

I just took some time to document everything so I don't start losing track of what happened when and it'll be easier to present the facts/situation to my lawyer.

Does anyone know what kind of role age will play in these types of situations? or if it isn't relevant. We are both young parents, she is turning 18 in December, while I am 19.

Also, I am finished high school and got a lucky break with a good career.
She is still in the process of finishing credits, therefore will need to go to school in September and is most likely planning to put our son in Daycare.

Will any of these facts play a role in court?
 
nerkkooanse said:
Thanks everyone for the advice.

I just took some time to document everything so I don't start losing track of what happened when and it'll be easier to present the facts/situation to my lawyer.

Does anyone know what kind of role age will play in these types of situations? or if it isn't relevant. We are both young parents, she is turning 18 in December, while I am 19.

Also, I am finished high school and got a lucky break with a good career.
She is still in the process of finishing credits, therefore will need to go to school in September and is most likely planning to put our son in Daycare.

Will any of these facts play a role in court?
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I don't think your age will play a part. You're both young yes. But you're also both parents to this child. You seem to be stable and have stable family support systems in place. It's also a good thing to mention that your work allows you to be home.

You have an advantage here. You're both young and she doesn't have a job, she doesn't seem to be mature enough to value her son's relationship with his father. I would do everything you can to demonstrate that you are the more mature parent of the two. DO NOT ENGAGE IN MUDSLINGING!. Let her and her mother do all that. STAY CHILD-FOCUSSED! As mentioned, make sure your parenting plan and affidavits include a plan for the mother to spend time with the child; make sure you state your belief that a child needs both his mother and father. I would take a parenting course if I were you. This will definitely go a ways in showing that you are the more mature one.

Don't worry about how long the court process takes and how that relates to the status quo. It is how fast you moved to get court process started in that will be considered. And as mentioned above, you can (and should) file an emergency motion. This way a judge will give you a interim order that will keep you in your son's life while everything is being worked out in court.

You said how you had to bite your tongue and calm yourself down when you went to the mother's house. Do more of that. It's very difficult at times, but you will be glad in the end if you can keep it up. Do everything through your lawyer.

Don't let her or her mother try and scare you by threatening you and telling you what their lawyer said and advised - age old tactic. Don't fall for it. Just concentrate on your own case. DO NOT GIVE UP. It sounds to me like you're in a good position here time-wise and fact-wise. So just make this your number one priority every single day you get out of bed. What city do you live in? Maybe we can give you recommendations on a good lawyer. Alot of us are like family on this forum.
 
I've never seen such support on a forum, especially so fast. I honestly do greatly appreciate everything.

I will definitely get the ball rolling by Monday, hearing all this advice keeps me motivated which has been hard for me on a day to day basis lately.

I live in Toronto, having a hard time choosing a lawyer that will do the best possible job in representing my case. After talking to a few lawyers, the median cost I've seen is about $200-$300 an hour, is this reasonable?

I know it's hard to estimate the total cost after the entire duration because we cannot say how many appearances there will be, but what does one usually end up paying after all is said and done?

It's a shame knowing all this money could of gone into a RESP for my son.
 
Something else I wanted to add: you mentioned that your parents helped with supplying formula. So she's not breastfeeding? At least you don't have that argument for her to use in favour of her getting the bulk of the care time.
 
nerkkooanse said:
I live in Toronto, having a hard time choosing a lawyer that will do the best possible job in representing my case. After talking to a few lawyers, the median cost I've seen is about $200-$300 an hour, is this reasonable?
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That is actually a good price...as hard as it is...don't focus on the price, you need to find a lawyer that is going to do the job you need them to do. Are your parents in a position to help you with this? I know its not easy asking your parents for help, but sometimes having family to back you up makes things a little easier...

As others have suggested...start on this first thing Monday morning... see a lawyer about filing an emergency motion to have the child returned to their residence.
 
nerkkooanse said:
I live in Toronto, having a hard time choosing a lawyer that will do the best possible job in representing my case. After talking to a few lawyers, the median cost I've seen is about $200-$300 an hour, is this reasonable?
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That is a reasonable price. Of course it is your choice, but if you're in Toronto, I might try giving Lauren Israel a call. She is in the Young & Sheppard area (right in the same building as the North Yprk Family Court house). She's really experienced and reasonably priced. If you type her name in the search field @ www.canlii.org you will see 17 cases where she was counsel. She is, in my opinion, one of the best. BTW, in case you didn't know, canlii.org is a website that contains thousands of court decisions.

Ms. Israel's number is (416) 733-8415.

And remember, keep that motivation going no matter how hard it gets. Just try and always keep in mind that your son needs you and his life can take many wrong turns if he doesn't have a meaningful relationship with his father.

Good luck and keep us updated.
 
Ending the relationship means automatic 50-50 shared custody with joint legal. That's the law. If that's something you want, push hard for that NOW. If you settle for less, you will have a HUGE and YEARS LONG battle to increase it down the road.

She is not breastfeeding, so there is NO reason the kid cannot do immediate overnights. Offer some reasonable parenting plan that does 2-2-3 or similar schedule. Then if she refuses, ask for costs.

Start paying OFFSET CS right away, make sure you document what it is for (ie. USE the memo field). Bank the difference between offset CS and full CS, just in preparation for worse case scenario. That way if you get hit with arrears, you'll have them handy.

The lawyer cost you indicated is reasonable. An emergency motion will run you 900-2500 depending on the lawyer. Get a loan or otherwise liquidate any assets to build a war chest. You are going to need it if she gets stupid about it.

Read THE LIST

Lots of good advice in it. Your ballpark guesstimate on a final cost is going to depend on how amicable or ugly this is. A high conflict case will run you 1-3 years and 10-30K+ at a minimum to get a final order in place. (A decent lawyer should have a temp order for you in a matter of weeks)
 
I have spoken to and retained a lawyer today. She will have the application drafted and ready for tomorrow, I will then get it served later that evening, and return the next day to file to forms with the court.

The lawyer advised me that an emergency motion can be put in place once the initial application has been completed.

You mentioned start paying offset CS, could you elaborate? Who would I work out that arrangement with? How does that whole process exactly work?

I'm not sure if it's true or not, but when I did speak with her mother briefly that day- she mentioned that my ex isn't even going after CS. Her concern primary is custody.

Once again, thanks for the advice everyone. I will keep everyone updated on the situation and I will take a look at that list.
 
It doesn't matter what she is going after. CS is the right of the child. If the mother goes on social assistance/welfare/ontario works, they WILL make her go after you for CS. Pay it now, or pay it later. It looks a LOT better if you pay it willingly.

I always say in the absence of a court order, you pay CS like you have the custody arrangement you are asking for. Unless you can prove the mother unfit, the BEST case scenario is 50-50 physical w/ joint legal.

Offset CS is the difference in what you pay her vs what she would pay you. It's typically used when one has at least 40% access.

Basically you plug YOUR information in to THIS SITE and then plug in hers. (If she isn't working, then you use whatever full time hours @ minimum wage would be for her).

Subtract the smaller # from the larger, and the person with the larger # pays the difference between the two to the person with the smaller number.

EVERYTHING hinges on custody. If she gets sole custody with at least 61% time, then YOU owe FULL CS, AND she gets the CCTB/UCCB entitlement all to herself. She can claim the kid on her taxes ALL the time. In a 50-50 or 60-40 split, you use OFFSET CS, and you would get the CCTB in a shared arrangement.

Basically you get delegated to a walking, talking ATM with no input and minimal involvement with your kid's life.

CRA CCTB info

You make arrangements to pay her directly. Send it via email money transfer and use the memo field. (FOR CS - MM/DD/YYYY - offset amount)

If you want to be involved, then you want JOINT LEGAL (essentially and equal voice on the kid pertaining to medical, educational, and religious decisions) with 50-50 PHYSICAL access.

She's indicated she wants SOLE CUSTODY, likely with the EOW screwjob for you. (where you get Friday - Sun Every other weekend, with ONE evening visit on the off week). That's the ATM scenario, you typically don't want that.

So...start paying OFFSET CS right away, bank the difference between it and full CS just in case.

Look into taking parenting classes

Look into parenting courses for separated/divorced parents. (There is one in New Brunswick called "for the sake of the children", try to find one similar to it in your area)

Take a infant CPR course

You want to show you are taking steps to be involved and educated. I'm assuming you want to be fully involved, and not an EOW guy.
 
nerkkooanse said:
You mentioned start paying offset CS, could you elaborate? Who would I work out that arrangement with? How does that whole process exactly work?

I'm not sure if it's true or not, but when I did speak with her mother briefly that day- she mentioned that my ex isn't even going after CS. Her concern primary is custody.
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Child support is dictate by your income. You take your annual income (usually people use line 150 from their Notice of Assessment from CRA) and look it up on a table, or use an online calculator site, and that's how much you pay the person with custody, if you have less than 40% time.

If you share the child equally, which is what you are fighting for now, then each parent owes the other a monthly payment. But since parents don't have identical incomes, it doesn't cancel out and there's a resulting offset amount.

So if you are the higher earner, you will end up owing some money to her for CS every month. This is what people are suggesting you start paying her now. If she doesn't have an income, you can impute one to her. This means guesstimating what she is capable of making if she were working, as it's not acceptable for her to not be supporting her own child. Based on her age and lack of education, you'd probably want to use full-time minimum wage for her income. Don't feel guilty about it, as she is living with and being supported by her mother and this simply reflects that.

CS is the right of the child, and she can't give it up. She can not pursue it immediately, but if/when she does it later, you're on the hook for arrears.

So you send her a cheque every month, write in the memo field that it's for CS, and clearly document how you arrived at the calculated amount. The returned cheque will be proof that you paid so she can't come back for arrears later.

nerkkooanse said:
Once again, thanks for the advice everyone. I will keep everyone updated on the situation and I will take a look at that list.
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The list on that website is fairly dramatic, for the most adversarial of cases, so keep that in mind. But overall, digital recording of all interactions, and as much documentation of every event and contact as you can muster will serve you very well.

Good luck!
 
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The list is worst case scenario. (and it's US based). It IS fairly common sense though. Keep all communication in writing, (email!) keep your cool, don't engage on ANYTHING not to do with the kid. DON'T be the nice guy. The time for that is after you have a final order in place. There are dozens here who will echo that I'm sure.

Play hardball now, or spend the next 10 years kicking yourself in the ass. 9 times in 10 it's true. If you are the 1 in 10 where it's not, then you are already ahead of the game but personally I'd recommend you hedge your bets and figure it's going to get nasty-ish at some point.

The "nice" game on her side will last until she talks to a lawyer, you decide to assert yourself and challenge her, OR you start dating someone new.

NBDad's Rule #1: Until the ink is dry on the final order, it's fuzzy pink bunnies and glitter farting unicorns.
 
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