Dating after seperation/divorce

[dadtotheend]

I tried to keep it light and fun for her, I'm hoping it helped and she'll come around but I guess time will tell!

You know best, but from here I would say that you should give her time and space on this one.

On a separate but related note, she needs to understand that even though she hopes you could get back together, that isn't going to happen, that it wasn't her fault, and that you both love her very much. All of which I'm sure you know.

 

[blinkandimgone]

Thanks DTTE. I have told her before that it isn't her fault and doesn't have anything to do with her or her brother although I know she doesn't quite believe me which is fair considering the circumstances under which we split up. I think last night was the first time I had told her we wouldn't be getting back together so that brought some tears too. Poor munchkin.

For the time being I'm leaving it for a while unless she brings it up.

 

[mrsb]

I say nay to dating coworkers. Never dip the pen in the company ink..

As far as how soon is too soon I guess only you can answer that. When you feel ready to date then date.As for inroducing them to the kids this shoud only be done once you know you are serious and this person is going to play a very important part in your life

I met my current husband when my kids were quite young. When the time was right I introduced him to my kids as "Mommmy's friend". It was my oldest who figured out it was Mommy's boyfriend. My kids were cool with me dating so I never had an issue in that department.

As for dates, until the kids were used to having him around I went out on dates when the kids were having their weekly sleepovers at the Grandparents. After that we always tired to have kid friendly dates.

All you can do is remind your kids how much you love them and they will always be your #1 priority but sometimes Mommy likes to have a life too.


Good luck!

 

[Epona]

How soon is too soon?
When you aren't comfortable with the idea of dating. No set time -- it will be different for everybody
How soon is too soon to date someone else who is recently split? Same as above -- might be rebound and won't last long.
Dating co-workers? nay -- never a wise choice, though it can work for some
How do you date when you or the other person has kids - or both?? Date when kids are with their other parent.
How do you handle it if your kids object to you dating, even after a long seperation or divorced for a while? No experience in this department
What's your criteria for introducing the new person to your kids? Don't know -- yet. No experience in that department. Although I imagine you wouldn't introduce children to the other "for a while" and/or when you want to spend more time together and s/he is interested in meeting the kids? How about introducing their kids to your kids? Ditto -- though kids might become ... competitive for attention and seemingly regress in their behaviour?
If there are kids involved, do you introduce the new person to your ex? If so, when? When it seems right, and you and the other are comfortable with each other on neutral turf, ideally.
How do you know you're ready to be back on the market? You'll know.
Does your failed marriage affect how you approach or react to new people and relationships? Yes. How? Bit more skeptical and if someone reminds me of my ex, that diminishes my interest a lot.

 

[Johnross]

Take it slowly

Take it slowly

The most important consideration is to be sure to NOT rush into anything. I know I was totally messed up after the separation. I thought I was fine but 4 years later I realize I was in no way ready to start something serious.

 

[Nadia]

I agree take it slowly

I agree take it slowly

Rushing into marriage was what got me in trouble the first time around. Met him over the internet in April and we were married by November 1st of that year. We were expecting our first baby a month later. Fast forward two years still working hard to save the marriage. Pregnant again. Separated four days after the birth of our second child. No family in this country and had to manage by myself. Divorced two years later.

I would never marry again and I would be very weary of getting involved with someone. It took me a long time to re-gain my confidence, self esteem, and identity. Just couldn't afford to lose it again.

But bravo for you Blink. It sounds like you are in a better place then me and ready to move on. Just don't rush into anything serious and take it slow. Your children are older and once they see that you are happier being with that special someone, they will soon come to realize that it may not be a bad idea after all.

Good luck.

 

[logicalvelocity]

Like Nadia mentioned ... Once bitten, twice shy.

 

[Mess]

Once more into the breech, dear friends! Full speed ahead and damn the torpedos!! Life is a daring adventure, or it is nothing!!! Don't get cocky kid, it's not over yet!!!!

 

[blinkandimgone]

I agree with Mess. I totally understand LV's 'once bitten twice shy' but I do try not to feel that way. I know my marriage ended with one particular man and not because either of us is or was a bad person, we just couldn't make it work together. I try not to hold what i found to be his shortcomings (for lack of a better word) against other potential future mates because they aren't the same person. That's like smacking the new dog's nose because the old dog peed on the rug, it's premature and judgemental and I try not to feel jaded towards dating or meeting new people. The ex and I talked about it last night on the way home from my work xmas party and I think we both decided we weren't ready to be involved in a full fledged relationship but wouldn't turn down an offer to spend time with someone interesting.

 

[Gary M]

What's your criteria for introducing the new person to your kids? How about introducing their kids to your kids?

As far as timelines go, I think trying to arbitrarily define an interval is absurd: Someone could be ready in a day, while others may take years... It's like trying to define a "proper" period of mourning: Some people would happily dance on their deceased partner's grave while others will never get over it.

BUT...

I am curious about the kids angle. As some of y'all know I am a single (ONLY!) parent with both of my teens 100% of the time. I've always held that interaction with my kids is critical: If a potential partner doesn't like my kids, or my kids don't like the potential partner, it's off. No question, no hesitation, no regrets: Done. So, I've never been shy about introducing potential mates to my goobers.

The way I look at it, the largest part of "potential" in a relationship is my kids because they come first, so there's no point in exploring any other potential if a good relationship with my kids is a no-go.

I do realize, though, that 99.999988734% of the people out there think about this another way, and prefer to explore potential before involving the kids.

Needless to say, I'm following this topic with interest.

Cheers!

Gary